Yes dear. Happy wife, happy life and other terms...

[NothingIsImpossible]

So since feminism can be a popular subject around here I was curious about this. Whats the view of the "Yes dear" thing?

I've seen couples of all kinds (christian, non-christian...etc) disagree on feminism stuff, but yet all (men) openly will say typical lines like "Yes dear!" or "Happy wife, happy life!". And I realize maybe some of them are being a bit silly, BUT there is always some truth to when someone says those things. So what do you think of these sayings?

Do you think the wife really should be/is the head of the "roost" so to speak? Or do you think most mean it to be funny? And where do you think this falls when it comes to the topic of feminism? I've never been into a marriage where either spouse has more say then the other (despite my rants on here sometimes). I like the equality thing. But I get bugged by men who treat their women like slaves and let them have no voice. And bugged by women who think its funny their husband tends to let them do whatever they want because they can be bossy/play with his emotions(aka happy wife, happy life).

If you notice though you never see any of those slogans from women about men. Like happy hubby, lots of grubby!". Thoughts?

 

[All4Christ]

I find that often the phrase should be "happy husband, happy wife" lol. I love my husband so much but it is so hard to deal with when he is upset! That said - when you love someone, you want them to have the best and want them to have a voice. No matter what type of marriage you have (traditional, egalitarian, "feminist"), a healthy relationship includes trying to enable the other person to be happy and have a voice. If all husbands and wives considered the happiness of the spouse to be a component of their personal happiness, I believe we would have a significantly higher ratio of successful marriages.

 

[98cwitr]

Men might as well be castrated nowadays, but as Proverbs says:

Proverbs 21:19
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.

The women seem to wear the pants in the relationship, and men just give in at the first sign of disdain. If a man be a man and a woman a woman...both are human beings; there should be no need to fight over control and both should "wear the pants." We each have our own needs and wants, and as long as those things do not disrespect the other member of the marital team, then they should be free and without hindrance.

 

[WolfGate]

If all husbands and wives considered the happiness of the spouse to be a component of their personal happiness, I believe we would have a significantly higher ratio of successful marriages.

Very, very true.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

If all husbands and wives considered the happiness of the spouse to be a component of their personal happiness, I believe we would have a significantly higher ratio of successful marriages.

Agreed. We are both happy when the other is happy. If shes having back pain, I massage her so she feels better. This way shes happy. If I have a bad migraine, she sits with me and helps me through it, which then makes her happy because I am happy.

 

[J0hnSm1th]

Regardless of whether its the man or woman, the issue comes down to how conflict is handled. Upsetting each other is only natural and is bound to happen from time to time. However, a person who gets angry about an action their partner has taken, but is conscious to reaffirm their love and commitment and not let the issue detract from other areas promotes "happy life". Conversely a person who lets such issues affect how they feel about their partner and how they express those feelings undermines the relationship and makes for anything but a happy life.

 

[ValleyGal]

I'm not sure why "feminism" is separated from "egalitarian" since that's what feminism is. Feminism seeks an equal socioeconomic footing for women as men, equal opportunity, equal voice, etc. Imo, the two should not be separated. It is a very, very few extremist feminists who think women should have more than men. Very few.

And I'm not entirely sure why there has to be one or the other who has to "wear the pants". People who can't come to a collaborative, mutual decision really need to learn some decision-making skills and teamwork.

Saying things like "happy wife, happy life" and "yes dear" are okay.... after all, imo, it's about Eph 5:21 with more focus on the men saying it. Perhaps it is done lightheardedly or in jest. Because I am big on equality and mutuality, though, the other way should read "happy husband, happy wife" and "yes dear" from the wife.

The "happy husband/wife" cliche also speaks to one of Gottman's principles - mutual influence and shared power. If my husband is happy and that makes me happy, then I am allowing him to influence me in my feelings. If he is not happy, he also influences me because I then seek to help him resolve that which makes him unhappy.

 

[Thunder Peel]

If men would just learn to wash the dishes and put their underwear in the laundry hamper then the world would automatically be a happier place.

 

[Odetta]

These phrases are tongues in cheek to me, and I don't think much of them. The phrase I really don't like, though, is "what's mine is mine and what's yours in mine" as said by a joking wife. That comes from a selfish standpoint, in my opinion, to even joke about it. In my family, it's what's mine is ours, and what's yours is ours, although we each get a small allowance for "me" things.

The other theme I see, and this one is for real, not a joke, is "what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine." A lot of couples think that is a financial form of egalitarianism. I work with a lot of couples on financial planning, and the most difficult ones to plan with are the ones who think each of their money sources is owned separately, and they each have total authority over their own money, negotiating who pays what. In the worst cases, there is the opportunity for financial abuse. In most cases, though, it can hamper planning for shared goals.

Sorry, I think I just went down a rabbit hole.

 

[98cwitr]

If men would just learn to wash the dishes and put their underwear in the laundry hamper then the world would automatically be a happier place.

My wife has a hard time getting me to even put the dishes in the dish washer


In a seriousness, my wife and I have some pretty great systems for getting things done. For example: I like ironing (instant gratification) and she doesn't like it. So I said "If I iron our clothes with you wash and dry them and hang them up?" She immediately agreed. That deal has lasted for years, and we're both happy with it. She sweeps and mops, I vacuum. Whoever cooks (which I mostly do) the other does the cleaning (which she mostly does). We just do what we're good at and it has worked out well.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

If men would just learn to wash the dishes and put their underwear in the laundry hamper then the world would automatically be a happier place.

 

[Thunder Peel]

My wife has a hard time getting me to even put the dishes in the dish washer


In a seriousness, my wife and I have some pretty great systems for getting things done. For example: I like ironing (instant gratification) and she doesn't like it. So I said "If I iron our clothes with you wash and dry them and hang them up?" She immediately agreed. That deal has lasted for years, and we're both happy with it. She sweeps and mops, I vacuum. Whoever cooks (which I mostly do) the other does the cleaning (which she mostly does). We just do what we're good at and it has worked out well.

That's pretty much what we do. I don't mind cleaning and I'll do most of the vacuuming and dusting while she organizes and puts everything away. When it comes to taking out the trash or getting the mail we just go by whoever gets to it first; same thing with dishes and laundry. We enjoy doing different things and just meet in the middle for everything else.

 

[farout]

If men would just learn to wash the dishes and put their underwear in the laundry hamper then the world would automatically be a happier place.

You forgot remembering to put the toilet set back down. However I have been thinking. (that always gets me in trouble) If I was a female (and I am glad I am not) I would rather see the seat up knowing there wouldn't be wet spots on it. How do you know that it was up when your big guy or little boys in the house went potty? Just a thought to convince you ladies you just might be thinking this right?

 

[mkgal1]

Men might as well be castrated nowadays

Why do you hold to that belief? Do you not trust that a couple can BOTH care about each other's needs/desires? What's behind that statement, I'm curious?

 

[mkgal1]

If men would just learn to wash the dishes and put their underwear in the laundry hamper then the world would automatically be a happier place.

If only life were actually that simplified (I realize you're being funny, but that's not usually what destroys a marriage). My husband is the neat one in our household (daughter and I are neat/organized-challenged).

 

[All4Christ]

If only life were actually that simplified (I realize you're being funny, but that's not usually what destroys a marriage). My husband is the neat one in our household (daughter and I are neat/organized-challenged).

Sadly it is the same here. I try though!

 

[HannahT]

So since feminism can be a popular subject around here I was curious about this. Whats the view of the "Yes dear" thing?

I've seen couples of all kinds (christian, non-christian...etc) disagree on feminism stuff, but yet all (men) openly will say typical lines like "Yes dear!" or "Happy wife, happy life!". And I realize maybe some of them are being a bit silly, BUT there is always some truth to when someone says those things. So what do you think of these sayings?

Do you think the wife really should be/is the head of the "roost" so to speak? Or do you think most mean it to be funny? And where do you think this falls when it comes to the topic of feminism? I've never been into a marriage where either spouse has more say then the other (despite my rants on here sometimes). I like the equality thing. But I get bugged by men who treat their women like slaves and let them have no voice. And bugged by women who think its funny their husband tends to let them do whatever they want because they can be bossy/play with his emotions(aka happy wife, happy life).

If you notice though you never see any of those slogans from women about men. Like happy hubby, lots of grubby!". Thoughts?

I think it is mostly tongue and cheek. You will always have those that take it literally - both men and women - yet the majority realize what it is. I find those that take things like this to seriously tend to have a pretty miserable viewpoint of life overall anyway. (shrugs)

I can only think of one time in which I received a 'Yes Dear' response. H knew he was running extremely late, and never picked up the phone to let me know when to expect him. I called the cell phone while he had an office full of people - lol including his boss - and he answered, "YES Dear?!" The office full of people were laughing when he said it. Generally at work he can be pretty stern, and to see him lighten up when he got a call from me? I guess it tickled them. I already knew that week was going to be a bear, and I wasn't upset at the time. I just needed to know when I should start dinner. It was pretty funny - their reaction.

I think when couples are married - especially as long as we have - you tend to know the boundaries each has in certain areas. We have learned that each of us have certain strengths in certain areas, and that person generally makes the decisions in those areas. That's not to say we don't throw it past the other one, but its not generally questioned. We just go for it. It's been understood that way for a long time. The goal is what is best for the family overall.

He told me he wanted to marry a woman that was capable of standing up to him - nose to nose, toe to toe if needed - to tell him off. He didn't want a wimpy woman. I guess I could throw in a bit of sarcasm here, and say if he wants that happy wife/happy life he won't cross the boundaries. lol although he could say the same as well - justifiably so too!

The only time I have EVER heard him say the Happy Wife Happy Life term is when he didn't want to explain our relationship dynamics to his twin - who tends to be bossy, arrogant, and feels the need to control everything. Yes, he wanted a wimpy woman (this is their term, not mine)! Yet, in the last 10 years or so his wife has slowly grown a backbone...and the man is finally learning healthy boundaries. I remember the last time they were planning a hunting trip, and he said he needed to throw the dates past his wife. My H looked at me, and made the comical 'having a heart attack' response to me while we both giggled silently. In the past he never asked - he told. Call me a cynic but I think the fact she is the bread winner in that family helped her grow the backbone. They are childless due to medical stuff, and that might have been a blessing in disguise for the both of them. They are finally blooming as a couple - better late then never!

 

[98cwitr]

Why do you hold to that belief? Do you not trust that a couple can BOTH care about each other's needs/desires? What's behind that statement, I'm curious?

My wife and I care both about each other's needs, wants, and desires...so that's not my point at all. What I am talking about is some men I know personally seem to be the whipping boys for their spouses. Wife issues command, command must be carried out. I just think that, in some cases, men don't stand up for themselves and don't call for any respect to be shown to them. I guess it's just how someone is raised I guess.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

We have a pretty good division of labor. If you see it needs to be done, do it. The only thing that is strictly "mine" is grocery shopping and cooking. He is better at organizing and cleaning and I am better at laundry. So this is what works. Its worked for this long, so why change!

 

[Thunder Peel]

My wife and I care both about each other's needs, wants, and desires...so that's not my point at all. What I am talking about is some men I know personally seem to be the whipping boys for their spouses. Wife issues command, command must be carried out. I just think that, in some cases, men don't stand up for themselves and don't call for any respect to be shown to them. I guess it's just how someone is raised I guess.

I've also seen women treat their men as if they're babies and incapable of doing anything for themselves. "Don't forget to wear a jacket", "Make sure you pick the kids up after school", "You'll need to get milk at the store", "You need to mow the yard this weekend", etc. I guess some men are attracted to women like that (and vice versa) but it's something I just don't understand.