Sick of This Emptiness

[AWorkInProgress]

I want to know what's wrong with me,i can't think clearly and i have trouble remember things and remembering who i am,i don't feel like myself,my eyes hurt i get headaches alot...ive been in inappropriate content for like two years and im trying to quit! do you think God is condemning me for my addiction? do you think He is doing this?

hmm.. Going to send you a PM. That way I can direct you and thread can stay on topic.

BTW Jak I think your enjoying this bud =P lol Catch you on MSN later.

 

[junezephyr]

This thread is seemingly becoming a mecca for all sorts isn't it.

It sure is. Guess you're a natural leader

 

[junezephyr]

Did long ago, still waiting on the answer.

I don't trust my therapist for many reasons, most of which are probaly just my own inabilitys to open up to her, plus I just plain don't like her.

My friend's don't know I have schizoid, I hide it well and whenever I let a small fleck of my real self out or whatever I get an ankward glance and an uncomfortable shuffle, to tell you the truth my fake side is jsut so darn comforting that no one wants to deal with the real me if I did bring it out. My fake side is whatever the person around me needs at the time, someone to talk to, someone to follow, someone to take control, someone to comfort you or tell you when your doing wrong and help you improve, etc. It's so sickening to to think how fake that wonderful person is and the problem is I have become somewhat of a leader and a leader is not allowed to have problems.

That truth is though I just want to fade into the limelight and blend in but I can't. If I am myself I become an outcast which wouldn't mbother me but being an outcast is hard in such a social society and the diplomatic playing field that is high school, a game I have gotten quite good at. So to blend in I made my goody fake side who I despise but I have to embrace to keep things easy. WHo knows, once I get out of highschool and don't have to fake anymore things should get much better, I can just do my wrestling thing or get a nice computer job and not have to deal with people anymore.

I think you're absolutely right about the high school thing. It's so much harder when you're in an environment like that where you're constantly being judged by peers, and if you act any different then everyone notices. I think it definitely can get better once you graduate. After graduation you've got much more freedom to spend time alone and be who you really are.

 

[Jakkaru]

Hi Jakkaru,

What you seem to be saying seems to be something quiet natural called social conditioning, we are all conditioned over time to act and think a certain way and to a certain degree, it seems that you are rebelling inside yourself over this maybe, you can see this way that you have to act around people as fake and annoying, and I think that perhaps you are thinking that you are not developing as an individual person but rather a conditioned person.

The thing is who is being more real, you for recognising this and wanting to just be yourself, or other people for operating like this and not even realising?

People fall into this sheep mentality and become copy cats of others all the time, be it fashion, sport, attitude or whatever, you are recognising that you can be your own person, I guess you sometimes feel this emptyness cus you maybe feel that you are not being all that you can be, or being who you should be.

Also why is it that you feel that you will be rejected if you just be as you are ? sometimes what you think and what people see are two totally different things, we often think the worst on situations by default, sometimes we can try too hard and get into the mindset that anything less will be rejected.

Not one person on earth right now is perfect, we all got our problems and difficulties, strengths and weakness's, we all have good and bad days, happy and sad, strong and weak, no one is consistant in their thinking, we all act to a certain degree, but focussing on these things too much can cause more pain and problems.

What makes you strong, what gives you life, where do you find happiness, what makes you laugh and what makes you smile, what motivates you to do good things, who do you love and why, what do you want to acheive in life, where do you want to be, its healthy to have dreams and try and chase them, try focusing on these things whenever you feel down, you get get great strength and motivation from just changing your thinking to something positive rather than the negative.

I think from reading what you have written so far you seem a strong and clever person, you are seeing life for what it is, sometimes it does seem fake, but dont be discouraged, their is great happiness that can be found in so many things, the trick is to find and chase these things.

Yes I do indeed get what your saying here, people can all be so fake sometimes but I never though of me in terms so deep or anything as if I was rebelling against it or anything. Just trying to live my life.

BTW Jak I think your enjoying this bud =P lol Catch you on MSN later.

I guess.

It sure is. Guess you're a natural leader

I prefer following, i lead when I have to which seems to be all the time.

I think you're absolutely right about the high school thing. It's so much harder when you're in an environment like that where you're constantly being judged by peers, and if you act any different then everyone notices. I think it definitely can get better once you graduate. After graduation you've got much more freedom to spend time alone and be who you really are.

Yup

 

[stpatricksdaygirl]

I have another question/comment: I'm only 14, but yet I fell all lonely and crud. I think it's because I don't have a boyfriend, and I see all these people who have one, and I'm afraid that I'll never get one. What makes you feel like you're pretty/handsome?

 

[junezephyr]

I have another question/comment: I'm only 14, but yet I fell all lonely and crud. I think it's because I don't have a boyfriend, and I see all these people who have one, and I'm afraid that I'll never get one. What makes you feel like you're pretty/handsome?

In my opinion, I'd say you're probably better off without the boyfriend. You're free and you can focus on what really matters. I'd say to wait a few years before worrying about that. At 14, it's highly unlikely that any guy your age is going to maintain a serious relationship with you. Getting a boyfriend shouldn't be a method of feeling better about yourself...been there and done that, and it doesn't work, especially if you break up. Be yourself and please don't look to others for your worth. Everyone is attractive in their uniqueness, including you.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

In my opinion, I'd say you're probably better off without the boyfriend. You're free and you can focus on what really matters. I'd say to wait a few years before worrying about that. At 14, it's highly unlikely that any guy your age is going to maintain a serious relationship with you. Getting a boyfriend shouldn't be a method of feeling better about yourself...been there and done that, and it doesn't work, especially if you break up. Be yourself and please don't look to others for your worth. Everyone is attractive in their uniqueness, including you.

Yup,

Building new friendships will be far more benefital to you. Keeping yourself active and having fun with others take those feelings away. It's worth reitterating.

"Be yourself and please don't look to others for your worth. Everyone is attractive in their uniqueness, including you."

 

[stpatricksdaygirl]

Yeah, I see both of your points. How do you convince yourself that you're beautiful/handsome, then? Self esteem has been a problem with me for a while, and I've always wanted to raise mine, I just can't figure out how.

 

[Jakkaru]

Yeah, I see both of your points. How do you convince yourself that you're beautiful/handsome, then? Self esteem has been a problem with me for a while, and I've always wanted to raise mine, I just can't figure out how.

The problem is simple, understand that your not perfect and that nobody is. There's bad side sto each and every human, we wish we were Obi-Wan Kenobi, and for the most part we are, but there's a little Darth Vadar in all of us. Thing is, this ain't no either or proposition. We're talking about dialectics, the good and the bad merging into us. You can run but you can't hide. My experience? Face the bad parts you feel about yourself, stare them down. Own it. Being human is a complicated gig. Give that old dark night of your soul a hug every now and again as it is part of you. Oh and don't worry about thinking your ugly or whatever, even though guys don't show it, personality is much more important to us.

Beyond this I can't give you much advice as my form of self worth takes a small amount of pride and arrogance when I can muster it.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

The problem is simple, understand that your not perfect and that nobody is. There's bad side sto each and every human, we wish we were Obi-Wan Kenobi, and for the most part we are, but there's a little Darth Vadar in all of us. Thing is, this ain't no either or proposition. We're talking about dialectics, the good and the bad merging into us. You can run but you can't hide. My experience? Face the bad parts you feel about yourself, stare them down. Own it. Being human is a complicated gig. Give that old dark night of your soul a hug every now and again as it is part of you. Oh and don't worry about thinking your ugly or whatever, even though guys don't show it, personality is much more important to us.

Beyond this I can't give you much advice as my form of self worth takes a small amount of pride and arrogance when I can muster it.

Very intresting answer. EDIT Checking out a friend's blog and I think this goes together well with what you said.

Two Wolves

An elderly man was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside of me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves".

One wolf is evil -- he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other is good -- he is joy, peace, love , hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The man simply replied, "The one you feed."

Author Unknown

Add one thing, beauty is not skin deep. Little to lazy right now to find the passage, maybe I will edit when I get in work. Inner beauty is what counts, of course that's difficult in society now of days. Who you are is more important than what you look like. Character is what makes a person special.

Look at those beauty pagents where girls look hot, but they are horrible role models. Since they party and do everything under the sun. I am not saying all are like that but you get my point.

Keep a strong relationship with God, build intrests and new skills. Don't be afraid to insert yourself into new positions or volenteer where you can. This stuff builds confidence and makes you part of a team, which is real fun.

I hope I am making sense lol

 

[stpatricksdaygirl]

Jakkaru: yeah, i guess you're right. I just need to get used to the idea that everyone's beautiful in their own light and that my personality matters more. I always thought that guys just liked girls that were pretty. That's interesting that personality actually matters to you guys.

AWorkinProgress: the story is very true. I know what you mean (about the whole paegent thing). I appreciate everyone's responce I will try and look at myself in a less critical way. I'm gonna pray about it tonight. And yes, you make perfect sence

 

[InnocenceCannon]

Oh, wierd, this condition sounds exactly like me... great, another condition to add to my list of problems...


But yeah, I'm rooting for you.

 

[Jakkaru]

Then welcome to the club I guess mate.