Questions for someone with BPD

[smb12]

Hello, I am sorry that I may seem a little new and inexperienced with BPD---it's because I've only heard about the disorder this week. From the 9 areas of criteria that I have seen in the DSM IV (Diagnostics), I am no dr/therapist and I don't claim to be, but it's just that my on again/off again bf displays 7 of these characteristics and I'd just like to reach out to someone who has bpd for some help?

Other than starting to empathize, understand, and set good boundaries--is there anything I can do? Can someone with BPD help me understand why I suddenly get cut off w/o any warning? For instance, last month, he just stopped talking/answering phone/txt after we were hanging out for a good stretch of time? We get to a place where we have a little bit of intimacy and *poof* he's out. And I witnessed this many many times. He gets drawn away by other women very easily for some reason too, and I am starting to understand that this is also a trait that a bpd will carry as well: they start painting their current partner as black and rush off to find someone white, correct?

Anyway, I'm pretty much invested at this point (8 years) and this is the first I've heard of an (emotional disorder) called Borderline Personality Disorder. I think the feedback from someone who's dealing with this would help!

Thank you for putting up w/ my inexperience! God Bless you!

 

[madison1101]

My ex bought and read the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Randi Kreger." He bought each of my children a copy as well. My relationship with my adult children which was extremely strained improved considerably when my kids set firm boundaries. They made it clear to me that they would not be in my life if I continued certain behaviors. With the help of my therapist, I was able to change my attitude and restore my relationships with all three of my adult children. My older son told me a year ago that if I had not taken responsibility for the things I did in my children's childhoods, I would not have them in my life. My kids are 36, 34 and 30. I also have three young grandchildren.

 

[smb12]

Thank you so much for posting! I will go get "Stop Walking on Eggshells" today! Anything to help. . .I noticed, Madison1101, that you post on nearly every Borderline thread--that's a tremendous help and a great blessing!! I hope you know that what you've been through, God has used to help and touch many lives. . .

Your journey seems like a difficult one, and I may be reaching into painful areas, so forgive me, but can you tell me WHY someone who has BPD would do hurtful things like just "abandon" someone after a good, intimate period of a month? Can you relate to that at all? I am trying so hard not to be sad when he's just "out" of my life. . .I miss him, you know?

What he usually does is just break off communication and jump into a brand new relationship for awhile until that dies off. . .then begs me back into his life. . .can you relate to any of that?

With your experience, I just want to know if I am suppose to be just praying for him, if I'm suppose to be texting him during this time or if maybe he's out of my life forever. It's VERY hurtful & confusing.. .

Again, BLESS YOU for even responding. . .you've got quite a ministry going on! Have a wonderful day!!

~smb12

 

[madison1101]

Thank you so much for posting! I will go get "Stop Walking on Eggshells" today! Anything to help. . .I noticed, Madison1101, that you post on nearly every Borderline thread--that's a tremendous help and a great blessing!! I hope you know that what you've been through, God has used to help and touch many lives. . .

Your journey seems like a difficult one, and I may be reaching into painful areas, so forgive me, but can you tell me WHY someone who has BPD would do hurtful things like just "abandon" someone after a good, intimate period of a month? Can you relate to that at all? I am trying so hard not to be sad when he's just "out" of my life. . .I miss him, you know?

What he usually does is just break off communication and jump into a brand new relationship for awhile until that dies off. . .then begs me back into his life. . .can you relate to any of that?

With your experience, I just want to know if I am suppose to be just praying for him, if I'm suppose to be texting him during this time or if maybe he's out of my life forever. It's VERY hurtful & confusing.. .

Again, BLESS YOU for even responding. . .you've got quite a ministry going on! Have a wonderful day!!

~smb12

Thank you for your kind words. In thinking about your boyfriend, who leaves you, then begs you to take him back, I have to ask you why you keep taking him back. Is he threatening to hurt himself if you don't take him back? If someone dumped me over and over, I would say enough is enough. I wouldn't keep taking him back.

The way I see it is Christian dating relationships should be preparation for marriage. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is definitely not marriage material. I would have to ask what is it in you that has you keep taking him back after he dumps you for other women?

 

[smb12]

Well thank you again for responding. You're absolutely right! I need to seek some good counsel and find out what about me is saying, things are "ok, or rather have been "ok enough" to continue in the manner in which they have.

I read a book by John Townsend "Who's Pushing Your Buttons" Oh my word! GREAT book. . .Dr Townsend tells us not to "give up" on people. . .pray for them, set good boundaries, and with 7 resourcful steps, WE can be an agent of change for those who give us trouble in our lives (and perhaps even have a good relationship with them). I absolutely LOVE that msg.

I think about how Christ has beckoned me (us!) to him so many times, and we leave the relationship--how much He LONGS for us to come back to Him. He NEVER gives up on us, but he DOES not stand by idle either (which I know I've done) I MEAN THINK ABOUT IT--it took me 8 years to get off my heinie and actually realize my bf has a personality disorder!? That's absurd.

One last thing, Ryan (bf) doesn't harm himself or is involved with any substance abuse. . .I can't imagine I could have any contact with him if he had--I can't believe what YOU have dealt with your whole life--and it's such a great testimony!!

It's been a relationship where he basically is the BEST bf ever (good humored, creative, GREAT listener) --I almost feel idolized because the compliments are ENDLESS--then *poof* he's gone (devaluation). So, I don't hear alot of arguments and fights (RAGE). I don't get any of that myself. . .he treats others that way(shouts & sometimes curses/rage) , but not me for some reason--he JUST disappears. . .??

OK, again, I could prattle on about my relationship forever. There are other good people out there who deal with MUCH worse!!! I'm just thankful I seem to have some peace about what this disorder is. . .MANY BLESSINGS to God and all of His children!

I absolutely love you all in this forum! It's SUCH a help!

 

[LadyBikerButterfly]

I dated my husband for four years and have been married to him for just under 14 years. I accepted Jesus as my personal Savior when I was ten yrs old but at the time I married my husband I was not following the Lord and I married an unbeliever. We were both drinking almost daily and he had started smoking pot behind my back about a year and a half after we were married. In February of 2002 my husband was saved. The Lord took alcohol from our lives overnight and also took pot from my husband a few months later also overnight. Prior to my husband coming to the Lord he had an anger problem and 99.9% of our arguments come out of nowhere and escalate due to him, not me. He is 350 pounds and 6'5" and I have zero fear of him physically. He has never been a threat to me physically. He did however try to commit suicide on his 18th birthday and was a cutter for quite a few years in his youth.

I never really tried to find any kind of particular label or diagnosis for him, but that is absolutely what I am about. I have read hundreds of Christian and a few non-Christian "self help" books over the years. I don't like the term self-help as it connotes leaving out God which is completely wrong. They are full of scripture and the teaching is not extra biblical but Bible based. Anyway, I pleaded with the Lord recently to help me understand what is really going on with my husband.

He was in a motorcycle accident four months ago and dealt with it absolutely horribly during his down time. He could not put ANY weight on his bad leg for 10 weeks then just a little weight. He broke his hip and had surgery with plates and screws to hold it together and also damaged his knee. Watching his reaction to all this was highly enlightening. The first couple week sin the hospital he was on morphine and NEVER had one little BPD symptom. Following was Vicodin round the clock and he only exhibited slight impatience a few times. He is still getting Vicodin but breaks them all in half and does not take them regularly, only on days the pain is excessive.

Okay, with all that said, I was reading on the Internet and "stumbled" (Divinely I believe) across borderline personality disorder. It was a wonderful light bulb moment for me to say the least. A lot of shame goes along behind closed doors of a BPD and his non-BPD wife. I watch my husband (h) act one way in public and another way at home. A Jekyll and Hyde you could say. As believers we know his at home cursing is wrong, but he seems unable to stop. He controls it in public which is classic BPD. He has a history of putting me on a pedestal and then talking to me in a way that a husband should never talk to his wife. Ironically he reminds me so much of my dad (died in 1979). Perhaps the Lord prepared me by giving me the exact dad I had.

I had a rage problem in my first marriage and as soon as I learned he was a passive-aggressive and learned how to respond to him the rest fell into place. I worked hard at anger issues and over time overcame raging. In fact, now I have great self-control - PRAISE THE LORD, that's all I can say about that. If I didn't then my husband and I would be doomed. So now that I am somewhat educated concerning BPD I am much more prepared in how I RESPOND to him and I try my hardest to NOT REACT. The little time I have understood him more has been tons better. I can see so clearly how I was quite provoking in my choice of words and being so ignorant of what was "wrong" with him I was always flying blind. I knew that "a soft answer turns away wrath" and I did that often, BUT the BPD is so out of control and provokes others so intensely that it just felt so much bigger than what I could control. That's the thing - it is way bigger than what I can control. He still gets into those BDP emotional tirades but I back off and stop trying to fix him now. I understand once they start they have lost all perspective and trying to appeal to their unusually heavy sense of logic is futile. Once the angry venom erupts all logic goes on vacation.

One book I read said their brains are hardwired differently than non BPD's. I am not saying I definitely believe this, I have much more research to do. I am just stating something I read. The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger. It helped me the most from the four books I got. As a Christian you have to filter and discern as you go though as it is not written by a Christian author. One huge classic BPD symptom is refusal to seek help. He actually listened to what I had to say, but I can tell he holds my findings at arms length. I am not really sure how my findings can help him anyway, I am more convinced the Lord showed me for my sake.

Since learning about BPD I have been able to have more respect for my h which is as it should be. I am grateful for that. It is all so new still for me. I know I will be learning to set boundaries better as we go forth. It is difficult to not focus on him so much as BPD's have such huge personality and temperaments. He is a Choleric Melancholy and I am a Melancholy Phlegmatic for any reader who understand temperaments. They are quite in your face a lot and their world boils over into yours constantly. This is where boundaries come in I gather.

smb12: Yes you have 8 years invested, BUT you are not married. I strongly suggest you think this whole thing through with some objective views. You are under NO obligation to stay involved as much as you may feel otherwise. madison1101 asked very pertinent questions to you, I urge you to not give up finding the true answers.

BPD is a label made by the secular world of psychiatry describing a list of common symptoms among individuals. We have accountability and responsibility at the same time as being labeled BPD. God's grace covers ALL sin, past, present and future, we know that. The BPD person in our life tends to feel stuck, I know mine does. His relationship with the Lord is real, it is not fake, contrived, or compartmentalized. He cries real tears over this monster in his life and he does so many things right to keep going in the right direction. Attend church faithfully, serve at church faithfully, give faithfully, attend weekly Bible study faithfully, have Christian fellowship regularly, pray and read God's Word, however these two things are the hardest as time slips away too easily. More diligence toward these two things is needed and he knows it. He is a musician and loves to sing to the Lord and he cries and cries every time. It is his most favorite thing to do. He loves the Lord and I believe that will help him grow the most.

I am not sure what the answer is but I know WHO the answer is.

Thanks for listening folks!

 

[coolworld187]

Hi! I am one who has a few other mental challenges! BPD is too much as it is to Live through! I have been Married for 24 yrs which My Condition has been with Me and has gotten worse over the years and it can tax a Family! Me and My Wife Both Are Christians which u struggle with My Walk in Christ also. Out of Everything I feel the most important thing IS TO SHOW THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE THAT THE WORD TALKS ABOUT! Being in this type if condition is hard enough and not getting that UNCONDITIONAL LOVE makes it. 10 time as worse! In My Marriage I don't receive any of that! Just a bunch if put downs and no kindness or understand and that is from A Christian Wife!i try My Best not to judge My Wife because of how hard it is to be this way but if You Want and Expect That Loved One To Get Better It All Starts With Unconditional Love! But I do Appreciate those I know who do show this and feel I am Worthy Of Love! I do have a lot of days and nights filled with Tears know that My Wife treats Me that way but I leave that IN GOD'S HANDS to Help Her Understand! Hang in there and know there are people out here that Care And Love You And Your Family!! WHAT A PRECIOUS GIFT IT IS TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED!