Parenting a teenage daughter. Help!!!

[ToBeLoved]

I do not know his parents. I wish that I did. I do plan on talking to them when the time comes/chance arises. As hard as it might be, I do want to talk about our values, what we expect, and etc. It is very hard not knowing them, and they may not be Christian, or have similar values/expectations. That will be seen soon, if daughter and boy continue to hang out. In my mind, I was going to give it a few weeks before pushing to meet parents. Hopefully it will come up naturally, and I will be able to drive to boy's house to pick him up or drop him off, and could then meet his parents, and invite them to talk.
This is very hard for a very shy and socially awkward person such as myself. Lots of prayers that God works out the perfect plan.

Why don't you give daughter and boy and opportunity to do some fun things together under supervision.

For example, if you are going to take her car priveledges away for a while or limit them, why not say something like "Why don't you invite <<boy>> to come to the movies with us on friday night to see <<Enter Movie here>>. Dad and I will get seats in the theatre away from the two of you. So you can have a little privacy and we can all get to know each other.

Or..

"If you and <<boy>> would like to rent a few movies and for him to come over friday evening and us to watch them together that would be fun, or you don't have to watch them with them, but just have them at your house. You can then get to know him and if you get the chance to 'talk' with him one-on-one, you may want to ask him questions about the sneaking out of the house incident. Let it be known that you do not consider it appropriate for him to ask her to disobey her parents, nor do you consider it appropriate for a boy to invite a girl to his home at all hours of the night. YOU HAVE HIGHER STANDARDS. GODLY STANDARDS.

 

[jericha]

If the bf's mom is not a Christian, then I guess she might might be a bit more ready to advise him to wear something for bc than you are to advise your daughter about using some form of bc. You used the word conundrum; it's often this way among the moms and dads of teens.

Yes!! Constant conundrum! I look forward to being on the other side of the teen years with her, and then one to go (boy).

 

[faroukfarouk]

Knowing the equipment needed to become pregnant is much different from feeling a teen needs to become well taught how to use birth control. FYI

I guess by well taught I meant gain a reasonable understanding of how bc works. Sometimes secular ppl in school want to push this knowledge with ideas that go too far.

 

[jericha]

Why don't you give daughter and boy and opportunity to do some fun things together under supervision.

For example, if you are going to take her car priveledges away for a while or limit them, why not say something like "Why don't you invite <<boy>> to come to the movies with us on friday night to see <<Enter Movie here>>. Dad and I will get seats in the theatre away from the two of you. So you can have a little privacy and we can all get to know each other.

Or..

"If you and <<boy>> would like to rent a few movies and for him to come over friday evening and us to watch them together that would be fun, or you don't have to watch them with them, but just have them at your house. You can then get to know him and if you get the chance to 'talk' with him one-on-one, you may want to ask him questions about the sneaking out of the house incident. Let it be known that you do not consider it appropriate for him to ask her to disobey her parents, nor do you consider it appropriate for a boy to invite a girl to his home at all hours of the night. YOU HAVE HIGHER STANDARDS. GODLY STANDARDS.

I agree! Yes, we want to have him over here. I may let her see him in a group setting before this, but do feel that this is the safest bet. I will bring this up to her, and remind her that of course, we will need to meet anyone that she is interested in dating.
I need to remember this, and to share this with both him and her...
We have HIGH standards, GODLY standards.
It sounds so much better than just saying that we are strict.
Thank you.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Yes!! Constant conundrum! I look forward to being on the other side of the teen years with her, and then one to go (boy).

Well clearly you're still reluctant to talk to your daughter about bc, which I well understand. While her bf's mom might well tell him just wear something.

 

[jericha]

Well clearly you're still reluctant to talk to your daughter about bc, which I well understand. While her bf's mom might well tell him just wear something.

It is a really hard topic for me. And hard to balance how much info to give, while still getting the message across to please not "go there!" there is yet another conundrum. How much info to give and how to make it still biblical/fit with our values, and not giving permission to have sex.

 

[jericha]

It is a really hard topic for me. And hard to balance how much info to give, while still getting the message across to please not "go there!" there is yet another conundrum. How much info to give and how to make it still biblical/fit with our values, and not giving permission to have sex.

I found this online. This sounds like me, but I hope that this is not the case for me:

The problem is, many parents are too afraid to talk to their kids about sex because they don’t want to say “too much too soon.” Unfortunately, “too much too soon” often turns into “too little too late.”

 

[faroukfarouk]

It is a really hard topic for me. And hard to balance how much info to give, while still getting the message across to please not "go there!" there is yet another conundrum. How much info to give and how to make it still biblical/fit with our values, and not giving permission to have sex.

You think maybe that just avoiding any mention of bc is more helpful to her, while you know that her bf's mom might well be telling him just to wear something. I know a lot of parents would be inclined like you to say nothing.

I take your point about Biblical values, yes.

 

[ToBeLoved]

It is a really hard topic for me. And hard to balance how much info to give, while still getting the message across to please not "go there!" there is yet another conundrum. How much info to give and how to make it still biblical/fit with our values, and not giving permission to have sex.

You might just be very straight on about it.

For example (Yes, I love examples, lol) "I really think I need to discuss birth control with you. Now, this is very hard for me. You know my beliefs and I want to be sure that you understand perfectly, that our discussing birth control is in no way to be thought of as I am for birth control or even any type of intercourse before marriage, because you know that I am not. So I just want to make that perfectly clear before the conversation even starts. What I am going to discuss with you are types of birth control options and what it protects against (ie. pregancy only or pregnancy and STD's, ect.). I would appreciate it if you would make a mental note of any questions, but let me finish before we begin discussing it. (that will allow you to say what you want to say before other questions start arising).

 

[jericha]

You think maybe that just avoiding any mention of bc is more helpful to her, while you know that her bf's mom might well be telling him just to wear something. I know a lot of parents would be inclined like you to say nothing.

I take your point about Biblical values, yes.

I am not choosing to say nothing and to continue to say nothing. We have not been in this situation before, and this one situation is less than one week old. In time, we will talk more about sex and about consequences of sex as well as birth control, but one step at a time.
Again, this is a very new situation. Before now, I did not think that we needed to talk further. She had stated that she wanted to wait till marriage and I believed her.
Things have changed now, and I will need to change my approach.
I do wish that I had been more vocal always about sex, but like I said it is a very hard topic to discuss for me for many reasons that we do not need to explore.
I also plan on talking to his parents and get a gauge on what they expect and are teaching him re sex.

 

[jericha]

You might just be very straight on about it.

For example (Yes, I love examples, lol) "I really think I need to discuss birth control with you. Now, this is very hard for me. You know my beliefs and I want to be sure that you understand perfectly, that our discussing birth control is in no way to be thought of as I am for birth control or even any type of intercourse before marriage, because you know that I am not. So I just want to make that perfectly clear before the conversation even starts. What I am going to discuss with you are types of birth control options and what it protects against (ie. pregancy only or pregnancy and STD's, ect.). I would appreciate it if you would make a mental note of any questions, but let me finish before we begin discussing it. (that will allow you to say what you want to say before other questions start arising).

I love examples too!
I am getting SO many ideas and suggestions about conversations to have with her. I think I need a to-do list.

 

[Poppyseed78]

You might just be very straight on about it.

For example (Yes, I love examples, lol) "I really think I need to discuss birth control with you. Now, this is very hard for me. You know my beliefs and I want to be sure that you understand perfectly, that our discussing birth control is in no way to be thought of as I am for birth control or even any type of intercourse before marriage, because you know that I am not. So I just want to make that perfectly clear before the conversation even starts. What I am going to discuss with you are types of birth control options and what it protects against (ie. pregancy only or pregnancy and STD's, ect.). I would appreciate it if you would make a mental note of any questions, but let me finish before we begin discussing it. (that will allow you to say what you want to say before other questions start arising).

Great advice. I'll have to bookmark this for 15 years from now lol.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

It is a really hard topic for me. And hard to balance how much info to give, while still getting the message across to please not "go there!" there is yet another conundrum. How much info to give and how to make it still biblical/fit with our values, and not giving permission to have sex.

Giving factual information is important. Facts are value/moral/biblical neutral.

I am concerned regarding the pictures she is sending. Unfortunately, they can be construed as child inappropriate contentography. People have been busted for sending "sexting" pictures. Might want to clue her in on that.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Giving factual information is important. Facts are value/moral/biblical neutral.

I am concerned regarding the pictures she is sending. Unfortunately, they can be construed as child inappropriate contentography. People have been busted for sending "sexting" pictures. Might want to clue her in on that.

I think the assumption by teens or so it seems to be is that the 'sexting' pictures will only be seen by the person that they send them too. When in reality, once they press 'send' they have lost control of that photo forever. It can be forwarded to a huge group of people in 5 seconds or less and it is very easy to do.

If I have a physical photo in my hand, I can control who see's it and then hide it again by putting it in my pocket. But once a photo get's out on the internet it can never be brought back or controlled. Someone can alter the photo, add a caption, post to a website or share with the entire school. And we all know that Google indexes a lot of content. So at 60 years old, it could pop up. If my name is associated with it, when human resources Googles my name it could pop up. These of course are more extreme, but these types of things do happen.

She 'thinks' she understands that, but really does not think it will ever happen to 'her', like all of us do. Maybe scare her a little.

 

[jericha]

I think the assumption by teens or so it seems to be is that the 'sexting' pictures will only be seen by the person that they send them too. When in reality, once they press 'send' they have lost control of that photo forever. It can be forwarded to a huge group of people in 5 seconds or less and it is very easy to do.

If I have a physical photo in my hand, I can control who see's it and then hide it again by putting it in my pocket. But once a photo get's out on the internet it can never be brought back or controlled. Someone can alter the photo, add a caption, post to a website or share with the entire school. And we all know that Google indexes a lot of content. So at 60 years old, it could pop up. If my name is associated with it, when human resources Googles my name it could pop up. These of course are more extreme, but these types of things do happen.

She 'thinks' she understands that, but really does not think it will ever happen to 'her', like all of us do. Maybe scare her a little.

Yes, I plan on a serious talk about this within the next few days. I do not want to be accusatory, just share with her some info that I had found... And yes, make it a little scary.
I think I will just have to hack away at this whole situation a little every day, and talk a little w her every day, without bombarding her with tons of long lectures that she does not want to hear.

Each time, I would like to share a few (or more) prayers that I pray for her, so she knows how much we do think of her, and also address only one issue such as -
1. meeting boy - talking to boy about this sneaking situation
2. meeting boys parents
3. talking about dangers of sexting
4. birth control talk
5. discuss how she can earn trust back and privileges
6. What the two of them can/cannot do together
7. School - How is she feeling/doing at school/friends? (I suspect that this may be a 1 word answer though!)
8. Church - She needs to choose new church or go w us. She just left her church, that she attended w her grandma. She does not want to attend the one that we attend, and we compromised and allowed her to attend w her grandma at different church for about 1 year). This also keeps grandma company and gives them weekly time to hang out. Grandma interested in switching churches too, and there is one that DD mentioned where a good friend goes.


There is so much. I am just trying to keep rational and make a bit of a plan of action, and then start working.
These are not in a timeline. I do not have a timeline yet. What am I missing?

 

[ToBeLoved]

Yes, I plan on a serious talk about this within the next few days. I do not want to be accusatory, just share with her some info that I had found... And yes, make it a little scary.
I think I will just have to hack away at this whole situation a little every day, and talk a little w her every day, without bombarding her with tons of long lectures that she does not want to hear.

Each time, I would like to share a few (or more) prayers that I pray for her, so she knows how much we do think of her, and also address only one issue such as -
1. meeting boy - talking to boy about this sneaking situation
2. meeting boys parents
3. talking about dangers of sexting
4. birth control talk
5. discuss how she can earn trust back and privileges
6. What the two of them can/cannot do together
7. School - How is she feeling/doing at school/friends? (I suspect that this may be a 1 word answer though!)
8. Church - She needs to choose new church or go w us. She just left her church, that she attended w her grandma. She does not want to attend the one that we attend, and we compromised and allowed her to attend w her grandma at different church for about 1 year). This also keeps grandma company and gives them weekly time to hang out. Grandma interested in switching churches too, and there is one that DD mentioned where a good friend goes.


There is so much. I am just trying to keep rational and make a bit of a plan of action, and then start working.
These are not in a timeline. I do not have a timeline yet. What am I missing?

The only thing I can think of is maybe about the loss or feeling the loss of her best friend?

You also might add the positive things you can do or invites you can make. Mixing both together she may see that you are trying to meet her half way. As in if she wants to see this boy, you are making it possible by inviting him to the movies or them to come to your home to watch movies. Then she will not think that you are taking it all away and chastising her. She will see you are making an effort to find solutions to the things you disagree on and provide options.

Otherwise, good list.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I found this about sexting...it's from the US Department of Justice...so it's just facts
https://www.doj.state.wi.us/sites/default/files/dci/icac/dangers-sexting.pdf

 

[faroukfarouk]

I am not choosing to say nothing and to continue to say nothing. We have not been in this situation before, and this one situation is less than one week old. In time, we will talk more about sex and about consequences of sex as well as birth control, but one step at a time.
Again, this is a very new situation. Before now, I did not think that we needed to talk further. She had stated that she wanted to wait till marriage and I believed her.
Things have changed now, and I will need to change my approach.
I do wish that I had been more vocal always about sex, but like I said it is a very hard topic to discuss for me for many reasons that we do not need to explore.
I also plan on talking to his parents and get a gauge on what they expect and are teaching him re sex.

I can see that there are a whole lot of issues in terms of the way that you face this particular situation in your, and her, personal situations and some of these issues are naturally only very tenuously related to one another; you as the mom of course are at a unique advantage compared with those at a distance who comment, in terms of having an overview of the way in which various of these issues might overlap in your, and your daughter's, unique circumstances.

It's always good to remember of course that you are not alone; other moms - other Christian moms - have been facing and will continue to face in some way rather similar issues. And prayer and dependence on divine guidance through the Word are always a very important part of facing the issues. Revelation 2.20 - avoiding the inference of actually 'teaching' those near and dear to 'commit fornication', is a general background idea which informs the way many Christian moms and dads approach the bc issue.

In terms of your views about bc, while it may be sensed that you are slightly and slowly changing your views about how much to say, yet in a sense at the same time your daughter - whose best interests you constantly seek - is getting older, rapidly, it seems. So rather than it being a case of you changing your mind about bc, it might also involve an element of expanding and developing and responding to the wider perspectives of a person on the verge of adulthood. Remember also that the bf's mom might well have a range of dilemmas and inner conflicts to face but which might not necessarily be the same as your own; some bf's moms might even actively encourage and/or help arrange the supply of packs to use.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Giving factual information is important. Facts are value/moral/biblical neutral.

Many Christians would not necessarily agree completely; but even if for the sake of argument this is true, the fact is also that the way new facts are assimilated by growing and developing personalities does not necessarily presuppose a framework of spiritual and moral 'neutrality'.

Some parents do find talking about bc very difficult, in any case.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Many Christians would not necessarily agree completely; but even if for the sake of argument this is true, the fact is also that the way new facts are assimilated by growing and developing personalities does not necessarily presuppose a framework of spiritual and moral 'neutrality'.

Some parents do find talking about bc very difficult, in any case.

Facts, by definition, are neutral. They are indisputable. Let's talk about reproduction. Fact: sperm and egg meet and create an embryo. That's a fact. Now, whether you believe it's random chance or God did it is quite another thing.

Fact: unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy and/or stds. That's a fact. You may believe it's a sin or whatever, but it's still a fact. There is no moral judgment to it. It just is.

Fact: The sun rises in the east. Now...whether you believe God did it or that's just the way it is doesn't change the fact that the sun rises in the east.

You add your moral judgment to the fact.