Parenting a teenage daughter. Help!!!

[jericha]

I am looking for replies/help/encouragement/prayers from parents who have had less-than-perfect teenagers. I am struggling with my almost 17 year old daughter. She has struggled with depression, and my heart and mind are always worried about her. She has been generally not a worry for a while, though we have our ups and downs, as does she, and she does see a counselor 2x per month. She attends a Christian High School, and was regularly attending church and youth group, until about last Wednesday, when she broke up with her boyfriend that went to that church. I told her she is welcome to come with us to church (there is no youth ministry at the one my husband and I attend), but she is not interested. She did say that she would attend at a different church with a good friend, which is fine.... I think?
Yesterday morning, I found out that she had been lying, breaking rules for the last few days. She met a young man (just about the time that she broke up with ex BF), and had been texting him, then met him at a friends house on Saturday. She drove him in her car a few times over Sat, Sun, Mon, which she is not allowed to do, by law (provisional license) or by our rules. She lied about where exactly she was, and who she was with, to hang out with him, and drive him home/pick him up. We do not know this boy, but she just "broke up" with her first "boyfriend" who was a Christian, and we trusted him and his family.
I had a discussion with her last night, addressed the issues, told her that there would be consequences, but needed time to think about/pray about/talk to husband about what those specific consequences should be.
I cannot eat or sleep. I am so alive with worry.
Most of all, I worry that she will not remain pure and will choose to have sex before marriage, sneak around more, and I will not know, and that this will force her to get sneakier, as we get stricter in our rules.
I struggle with how to help, and how to help and give consequences in a way that will not push her away and cause her to continue to lie/sneak.
I want for her to be honest with me/us of course, and thought that we had that type of relationship.
I am hurt by the betrayal, and struggle with trying not to take it personally.
My heart breaks that she is not the teen that I expected with the way that we have tried to raise her.
My mind will not calm down. I cannot stop thinking about her, and the boy that she was meeting.
I have guilt for reading her texts with him (unknown to her), which confirm that they have not had sex, but that they have kissed and really "like" each other, and are definitely not "just friends."
I pray with every breath for peace in my mind, and of course for my daughter and the whole situation.
I am struggling so much, and do not have any close friends with older daughters to get advice/support from.
I am an wreck. Please if someone has gone through anything like this, please tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!?
Thank you in advance. : )

 

[Poppyseed78]

It's clear that you really love your daughter and want the best for her. I haven't raised a teenage daughter, but I remember what it was like to be a teenage girl. So, take what I say with a grain of salt.

Please don't take it personally that she is pushing boundaries. It's just part of growing up. I'm sure she isn't trying to spite you. Although you're disappointed in her recent behavior, and there are consequences for it, I think it's important to show her that you still love her and are proud of her. It's really important for teens to know that even if they make mistakes, their parents are still there for them. I'm not saying act like her "friend" - kids need discipline - I'm just saying, an over-emphasis on how disappointed you are could backfire. Try to keep the lines of communication open. Let her know that you want to be able to trust her, but she has to be honest with you. That's how trust is earned.

I would try to see this time in her life as a phase, rather than as a failing on your part. I hope that she is honest from now on and makes wise choices.

 

[jericha]

Thank you @Poppyseed78 for your caring and quick reply! Wise advice, especially for someone that has not parented a teenage girl!
I do REALLY try to keep those anxious and disapproving thoughts out of our conversation. I think that last night when we discussed this, I did the best that I have ever done at staying calm, telling her that I love her again and again, and letting her know that yes... We all do make mistakes. I even shared a somewhat funny story about a time where I made a bad choice as a teen, and got caught.
Rationally, I know all of these things, and that I have to let her go and be her own person. But my busy, worried, anxious brain will not listen to rationality. I know how much my secular young years led to deep scars on me that even God has not yet able to heal. I do not want the same for her, hence trying to raise her in a Christian home with such values. Having mostly sexual based scar tissue, my husband and I want her to remain a virgin till marriage, and i am so scared to let that go, though I know that she will ultimately have to make the decision on her own. We cannot be there to monitor what she is doing once she is grown and/or moves out of our home.
I know now that we will have to give her consequences for her choices, and worry also about being too lenient, or about being too strict, and having her be very angry resentful about the consequences, and the consequences almost giving her good reason to push away, sneak even more, to get what she wants, because she feels that is the only way that she can get it.
Apologies for my rambling. I am obviously consumed my this. : /

 

[Poppyseed78]

It's just hard to parent teens, there are no two ways about it. I think it's a good thing that you are so invested; it shows that you care. I'm sorry you have scars from the past. I admire your dedication to teaching your daughter Christian values.

Even if your daughter is angry about the punishment now, later on I think she will appreciate that you set limits and enforced them. Kids need to see that parents will enforce the rules.

 

[jericha]

It's just hard to parent teens, there are no two ways about it.

Yes! that sure is the truth! Ouch!! She is jumping in WAAYY to fast with this boy that she just met. Dropping everything and breaking rules/lying to be with him, and not even listening to her friend's advice to not "go steady" with him.
I only know about all of this because I am spying on her txts, and have guilt for that, which makes me even more anxious.
I do want to make sure that they are not making plans to sneak and see each other, or plans to have sex/etc.
I feel conflicted about spying on her txts without her knowing, have a lot of guilt, and reading them makes me feel worse, not better.
Should I just stop reading her txts and let her be/make her choices? With also keeping good tabs on her so that she does not have an opportunity to be alone and secluded with him so that she cannot have sex?
UGGHHHH!
I am so broken and torn!
I keep praying for peace of mind, but feeling none.

 

[Poppyseed78]

That's a tough situation!

Have you discussed this with your husband? What does he think should be done?

I would start by having a conversation with your daughter about the boy. Who is he and where does he live? When might you meet him and his parents? How did she meet him? Then go from there depending on her responses and tone. If she is defensive or acts like she's trying to hide something, that's not a very good sign.

I understand why you want to try to keep tabs on her via reading the texts, but if she finds out somehow, she would be very angry at the invasion of privacy. On the other hand, at least with the texts you know where she is and who she's with. I get the allure, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to keep reading the texts. At this point, after whatever punishment you decide on is complete, I would require that she always tell you where she is. And as part of the ongoing "earning back trust," then you reserve the right to check up on her. For instance, if she says she's at the library, then she will have to confirm it somehow so that you know she's safe. It might be very irritating to her, but hopefully she learns that this won't be necessary as long as she is honest. The goal is for you to be able to trust her, so the checking in is no longer needed.

I don't know if that's good advice or not. But it would teach her to earn back your trust, while also hopefully calming your worries.

 

[jericha]

Hi again,
First, I REALLY appreciate that time and care that you are showing me to reply to my rambling tear and anxiety filled messages. Your advice is really good. It really helps to read and objective opinion, and I already know this in my mind, but the emotions and fear take over, especially when I try and close my eyes and rest. It is good that my initial thoughts were perhaps on track with checking in on her wherever she is for a while.
I hope that the more that I can read/get out my feelings, the more calmly and rationally I can think about this, and not be led by my emotions and my fear. I know that I "feel" too much, and wish I could "turn it off" so that I would not hurt as much, and then perhaps I could think and act rationally, and not be a blubbering, scared, depressed mess.

Yes. I talked about this situation with my husband. He knows the basics, but not as much detail as I know. The only consequences that we discussed were concerning the car and the breach of trust with the car, and how to handle. He would like to revoke her driving privileges for a month, and get a GPS for the car once she is driving again. Too harsh? Not harsh enough?
We have not discussed at all how to handle this new boy, and how to proceed in them talking or seeing each other, or if/how she will need to prove where she is.
I do know how/where she met him, and where he goes to school. She told me that much, and that he is "cute" but "short." That is the extent of the conversation we had about him. We will talk more. She seems angry, so I thought I would give her time?
She admitted to having a crush on him, but I know that they way they are txting, it is much further along than that.
She is not going to like me/us wanting to meet him and his parents. I think it is part of the pulling away and trying to be independent thing. We will require that of course, but I am not sure when/how to go about that.
What do you mean about it being a bad sign if she is defensive/etc about talking about him?
I assume that she will pretty much be defensive now when it comes to talking to me period, for a while.

I really cannot thank you enough for your time and concern. I do not have a friend or anyone that I feel that I can talk to about this.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Concerning the "defensiveness" - most teens are probably defensive/defiant to an extent. I meant it would be concerning if she was uncharacteristically angry about your interest. Something that you thought was unusual. To me she sounds like a normal young adult.

I don't really know what a reasonable punishment is re: revoking car privileges. Do whatever you think is best. Does she need the car for school/job or is it for recreational use only?

What are your current rules on dating? I would make sure she knows that she has to continue to follow them. Keep up the dialogue with her, but try not to push. Hopefully she will open up more with time. It's understandable that she wants to have some privacy/independence with this.

Try to stay calm. You're a good mom!

 

[jericha]

Thank you @Poppyseed78. : ) Your advice is really good. I will have to read and re-read it when I am waivering!
Yes she usually drives to school, work, and her daily extra curricular stuff, and well as recreation. Apparently, that was too much responsibility for her. It has only been about 1 month since she got a car, and this happened. : /
I will have to drive her everywhere while her car privileges are gone (my husband will help with some).

The rules are that they are not alone together, though we did allow her ex and her to meet in public places without chaperones, like meeting for lunch/dinner.

...She just txted me from school that she got called into work early. I cannot believe her though! Stress and anxiety level is rising!!!

 

[ValleyGal]

OP, you might look on Youtube or do a Google search on counterwill by Gordon Neufeld. In fact, you can look up his stuff, or Gabor Mate (attachment), or even Bruce Perry... all excellent resources for parenting children, but I have found Neufeld to be particularly good when it comes to teens.

Actually, if your daughter is nearly 17, I would say she's being a normal teenage girl. If you think about it, it was only a few decades ago when we didn't even have the concept of the teenage years, and girls would be married by the time they were 17. I think it is important that you let her know that you trust her to make good decisions - and then trust your own parenting; after all, you are the one who taught her all her childhood and teens to make good choices. She needs to know that you believe in her, and that you are a safe person to come to when she makes decisions that are not so good for her. If you "punish" her, it may damage the relationship. Have a talk with her as a young woman coming into her own "self". Let her know that you are disappointed in her lying to you, and let her know that the truth will be better, even if the truth is painful for you. Ask her if lying is congruent with her values, and who she wants to become as an adult. These kinds of talks will go a whole lot further than punishment or further restrictions. After all, restrictions is why she broke them to begin with. Give her some room to grow, to make mistakes, to have the consequences of those mistakes, and let her know that you are there for her when she needs you.

Also let her know that you are interested in this new flame. Invite them to spend time with you - take them for dinner or have him over or something. Not in order to size him up, but rather to get to know him. Getting to know him will help you see what kind of guy your daughter is interested in. Again, choice of partner will be hers, so you will need to get used to the kind of guy she's going to be bringing home.

Most of all, pray for her. Pray that she will make godly choices, that she will fall in love with a godly man, that she will have a heart that loves the Lord Jesus first. Make a list of godly qualities you will be praying for her - like a guy who respects her enough to have sexual self control and stay sexually pure, a guy who loves Jesus as much as she does, a guy who will have good work ethic, one who will bring out the best in her, etc. Then commit to praying for her every day.

 

[TheresaC.]

Hi jericha, I'm sorry for your situation. I would split the issue in two part, one about the new boy and the other one about misbehaving, lying and breaking rules.

So, she will have a boyfriend soon or later, IMO there is nothing bad about that, I would talk to her about your experiences, values of relationship, marriage, sex, friendly, hoping she will understand and hold with herself these values and teachings. I would not stop at all their relationship, well, it depends on her maturity and commitment level, anyway she will be legally adult soon and you cannot stop this or avoid future boyfriends, but you can give her good tools to manage these relations in the best way, then it's all in her hands. Give her trust and be sure she understands your worry and advises are for her wellness and happiness.

For the part about rules and discipline that is different. IMO you need to set firm boundaries and consequences, explain her rules and let her to know the related consequences, maybe even put them in writing. She made big bad choices with the car and lying to parents about serious issues. About you reading text IMO there is nothing wrong, I make that with my children. We have parental control active on their phones and PC, in addiction to the passwords, and they know we check online activities, apps installed, and if we need messages and mails. We limit electronics time too, only in the afternoon after homework and chores made, not one hour befor bedtime. Maybe parental control and checking could be good for your daughter too for the future. I saw apps that let you know her gps position too in real time. Just I would not make that without she knowing but letting her know you have possibility to check and you will make that. I'm all for trust and support but this doesn't mean we shouldn't do checks, if there is nothing to hide she has no reason to not accept control. It's valid for going to verify where she is too, just don't embarrass her, make it discreetly. About lying, that is a big trouble in our home, consequences are spanking but my daughters are younger and very rarely do that. I would find some consequence for her lying, that could be just the future checks or/and removing privilege, no going out, early curfew. Car privilege taken for a month seems reasonable to me.
Just don't be angry giving consequences, make them discipline for her wellness, explain her they are to prevent future misbehavior, and absolutely not as your surge. She needs both discipline and support.

 

[jericha]

Thank you @ValleyGal for the input. I really appreciate it: ) I looked up Gordon Neufeld on Youtube and will watch his videos. : )

Can I ask for clarification... Are you recommending that there are no consequences given to her (from us parents) on her indiscretions that I described?

I want to get to a place, or back to a place where she can trust me and be honest with me. But I do not think that I can let everything go without changes. She breached my trust big time, and needs to earn it back, i think. I did tell her that I am looking forward to her earning back that trust and then some, and that we all make mistakes, etc. I do not know how I could look away from the lying/sneaking without her losing my trust and without her having to earn it back by being where she says when she says.
And she broke the law, and we were very clear that in order to keep her car that we gave her, she needs to follow the laws and rules, so it seems that there should be a consequence there, for breaking a law/rule, not a month into driving on her own.
It seems like there must be some kind of good balance between the two?

I would not keep her from talking to this boy, and am okay with her seeing him, but under different circumstances.

RE meeting him and getting to know him, that is definitely what I want. I want to get to know him, have him hang out over here, etc. She is not interested in hanging out with me/family with him. She wants that alone time with him, certainly so they can be close and hug, kiss, cuddle, etc, and more maybe?? It is that MORE that I get so nervous about.

She also happens to feel very ditched by her best friend, which makes her cling to this boy even more, and breaks my heart even more.
I do not want to cause her more distress, but also cannot just let her run amuck and break rules and such. ugh. This is SO hard.

 

[jericha]

Thank you @TheresaC. I agree with splitting the issues, and not completely stopping her form seeing the boy that she is interested in.
It hurts me greatly to see how much pain she is in, and how angry she is at me. She did not apologize and is not acting remorseful. She wants only to know what the consequence is, and move on. No talking to me, no looking at me, only anger towards me.
I hope that this anger fades, and fades quickly. I have acted as kindly and matter of factly as I could, and not sure how she can still be acting mad. Today I mentioned that I am looking forward to her earning the trust back, and that this is hard on me too, but that I love her. Yes, this stinks, but I love her, and we should try to get through this with love.
Perhaps it is normal for her to still be very mad at me for "catching" her??
I do not know, but it is breaking my heart.
My worry for her heart, and my fears, and my sadness to see her so broken, is ruining me completely. I read a txt today from her to boy, and she wrote that her best friend since three/other friends at school are shunning/ignoring her, and that when she told them that her any boy might "go out" they disapproved, and then just ignored her all day.

 

[ToBeLoved]

I think that maybe all this has happened as a result of her loosing both her boyfriend and the church and friends at church.

I have recently had some issues with my pastor and it has caused me to feel very isolated. Maybe she feels her friends at church will side with her ex-boyfriend, or she does not want to go to church out of embarrasment or because she does not feel they will support her. I have two grown children and I know that their friends and boyfriends are what teenage girls are all about.

I would try to talk with her (maybe indirectly, like casual) about church and friends at church. Like "heh, does Jane Doe at church want to go to the mall with us this weekend? We could have a girls day and maybe even rent movies"? or "Do you think we should call Jane Doe and see if she wants to find a movie"?

Try to find out if her friendships are still there at the ex-boyfriend church or if she feels isolated now.

To me it sounds like she may have lost her boyfriend, friends and church at the same time and maybe she is just bonding with this new boy because he is there and distracting and wants to spend time with her. To me it sounds like she has lost her identity, maybe with her Christian walk with the loss.

I could of course be wrong, but this is what I thought. God bless.

I might ask her friend if you could talk to her briefly. Like at Starbucks or something. Tell her how worried you are and see if she will share any insight. Maybe something has happened that you do not know about. Yes, it may seem odd, but all the friend can say is 'no'.

 

[LaSorcia]

I have some advice. If it's helpful, great! If not, just ignore it.

1. Don't worry, pray! Paraphrase of Philippians 4:6: Don't worry about anything, but fling your concerns on God through praying; offering thanks as well. Pray several times a day and write down bible verses that speak to your situation, saying them out loud when you feel anxious. Pray until you feel peace and can relax. This might take a while, but that's okay!
If you look in Kings and Chronicles, even the amazing saints and prophets sometimes had to pray all night before getting an answer! So don't be discouraged if it takes a while.

2. I was a terrible teenager. Not because I was a bad person, but because I had abusive and neglectful parents. Despite that, I have a very close relationship with God today. So take heart that even if your daughter makes mistakes, she can still recover later on and be a good Christian woman.

3. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21. Setting healthy boundaries regarding her actions is good. But if you get more and more strict, she will likely use this as a justification in her own mind for why she is right in rebelling.
What kind of family activities do you do together? Whatever you all like to do, I recommend doing more of it. Spend more time having fun all together as a family, doing fun things. Then there will be less room in her life for the evil. If you are not used to doing family activities, then start experimenting.

4. If you let her see her 'boyfriend', but only at your home, then you can supervise. He might not seem so thrilling then.

Hope this helps and I prayed for your family.
Love,
LaSorcia

 

[ValleyGal]

I do understand your frustrations. She is individuating and part of that is the whole counterwill experience. If you have not taught her by now to let her conscience guide her, then chances are, you will have a very big challenge. If she has a conscience, it will hurt her more if you show her that you are hurt and disappointed rather than make it about breaking rules. Because she is individuating, chances are, she is starting to make her own rules. As well, her own values are emerging, which is why it's really important to use this time to talk about what kind of values she would like as she becomes an adult.

If the car is yours and you are fine with driving her around all over the place, then sure, restrict her use of the car and let her know that when she takes it for work or school, you will be checking mileage (or install a real-time GPS that you connect to your computer). But only let that happen for a couple of weeks. If you simply take the use of the car away altogether, she will have no opportunities to earn your trust back. Because the issue is about her lying to you, make it safe for her to tell you the truth. After all, why do people lie? To protect themselves from the consequences of a painful truth. So make it safe for her, no matter how painful, to tell the truth.

What I am suggesting is a natural consequence. The "punishment" is the lost trust and need to gain it back. The conscience also nags at her... if she has one, and if she values honesty. If that is the case, make it safe for her to think about how she has damaged the relationship by breaking your trust, and make it safe for her to feel bad - protect her in her vulnerability - and then she can come to you with a sincere and apologetic heart.

I would also suggest that you really empathize with her about losing her best friend. Listen to her when she needs to talk about it. But also know that as she individuates, she is also going to naturally turn to her peers as well - including the guy. Most parents don't know this, but a teenager will appear that they are more bonded with their peers and care more about them, but deep down, when a teenager has a secure attachment with a parent, they actually care more about that parent's opinion. If you have a secure attachment with her, you might want to have a chat about the temptations that hormones can dangle in front of young people, and talk about reducing the effects of sexual acts outside of marriage. Let her know that you trust her decisions, and that she can come and talk to you if she has any temptations, regrets, questions, etc. Make it safe for her to be honest with you about these things. After all, these things make her very vulnerable. Protect that vulnerability.

Additionally, there is the concept of "helicopter parenting" - you do not want to be one of these. She needs space to make these kinds of decisions on her own. Get her a journal so she can write about her emergent self, her struggles with her teenage years. And one thing that will be very helpful as you end these teenage years in another year or two, is to just simply be there. Be present, be approachable, and do not pursue topics she is obviously trying to work out on her own or does not want to talk about. Simply being there and being approachable will go a very long way with teens... it reminds them that you trust them to work out their stuff and it also provides them with a safe place to talk about it when they can't work it out.

 

[Paidiske]

You say that you are "not sure how she can still be acting mad," and I might have an idea about that.

I know for me, unresolved situations cause a great deal of anxiety. To the point where I might rush into doing something, anything, to resolve a situation rather than have to carry the anxiety around.

At the moment your daughter is dealing with a huge unresolved situation, because the consequences for her actions are unknown. I would guess that that is causing her a great deal of anxiety - what are you and your husband going to do "to" her? What is the punishment going to be? And as long as that is the case, I think she is likely to be angry, not at the consequences, but because of the burden of anxiety that she is carrying and cannot resolve. I would recommend that whatever decision you make, you do it quickly and get this over with.

I'm not sure I can give other advice; a big part of the picture is how long you think she is likely to be living at home. Is this her last year of school? Will she be moving away next year? If so, I think less emphasis on rules and more emphasis on equipping her to self-regulate is important. If she's likely to be at home for some years yet, the dynamic might need to be different.

 

[jericha]

Thanks @ToBeLoved . : )
I thought that this super quick in love behavior was also due to feeling like she is losing her best friend, and also losing her church, since she broke up with her exboyfriend. I too thought this too. It was her choice to end that relationship, but that does not mean that it will not be hard. She is clinging to this new boy as a way to feel liked/loved, and it looks like he is likely doing the same thing - jumping in too quickly to fill a void.
As an adult, I know that only God can fill that void, and I tried to tell her that recently. Perhaps I need to tell her that more.
She is going to try a different church, with a different friend. Hopefully this Sunday. If not, then I will push to have it happen next Sunday. That can be my first step there.
Still all the worry stress and tears about the other. I need to keep my head on straight.

 

[jericha]

Hi @Paidiske,
Yes, you may be on to something! She did want to know the consequences today. I was able to tell her that
#1. she would lose her driving (alone) privileges for a while. But I did not have a solid end date.
#2. She would have to regain the lost trust, by being where she is doing what she said she was doing, and proving it. I also said that I have the right to drop in to a place, to check on her (she did not like that). I would try hard not to embarrass her, but would just do a walk-by.

That is what I told her. She asked if she could see Boy, and i said yes, but not in the same way that she has been, and told her that if there was something specific that she wanted to do with him, to ask me, and we will see.

I also think we may put a GPS device on the car, once she can drive again. I have not told her that yet. I have not yet priced this, or looked into car insurance savings possibility for using this.

She is a Junior in HS this year, so at least 2 more years. We have talked about her living at home for 2 years for college, and going to a JC for those 2 years, but who knows about that and what she will choose to do after HS.

Do you have additional thoughts based on this info? Could she still be going crazy not knowing the specific consequences? I thought she may be stressed and angry about not knowing when she can see him next and how too.

 

[jericha]

thank you @LaSorcia , and thank you @ValleyGal . Your words are very helpful.
I am trying to do all I can, but talking to a brick wall is not very useful, and that is the way that I feel.
I am going to take a break, and be back here later.
Thank you all for your very good advice!