Parenting a teenage daughter. Help!!!

[ToBeLoved]

I found the chapter on Rape to be hilarious in the most twisted way. I especially liked the authors recommendations on how to avoid being raped. His first bit of advice is to "Date only Christians" because it "will certainly lessen the likelihood of being attacked."

Once on the topic of what to do if you are being attacked his best suggestion is to "Pray out loud: ask god to protect you and make his presence known...there is a good possibility that the rape is demonically inspired. In that case prayer and the world of god are your best weapons."

If that fails it's recommended that you "Stick your finger down your throat and throw up all over yourself...pick your nose...put the mucus on your face, or eat it...urinate on yourself...pretend you have snapped mentally...act strangely."

No seriously these are direct quotes folks.

This is indeed odd advice. I would not buy this book either.

 

[jericha]

I wasn't trying to draw the comparison, either. What I meant was - and we can move on from this - is that some parents will tell young ppl about bc, because they don't have the confidence it won't happen, while other parents are so confident that it won't happen because the young people's spiritual interests and attitudes are to the parents evidently so strong that they can't imagine it happening in any case. This was my point which followed from your mention of that book; but we can move on, of course. Blessings.

I am actually kind of in this conundrum, right now! I thought that I was in the camp that did not need to, thinking that her spiritual attitudes would be enough, but in light of this new situation, think that she may need more education on BC, because she is not as pure as I had thought.

 

[Poppyseed78]

@jericha (Hope the tag works, never tried it before) - The sexting would worry me a lot. Sending nude photos can cause a lot of problems. Depending on the state you live in, it is dissemination of child inappropriate contentography. If the pictures get in the wrong hands, your daughter could be publicly humiliated, or worse. Nude photos can come back to haunt you years into the future, can interfere with career goals.

In my opinion you don't deserve to be attacked on the "purity" thing. You had your own experiences which shape your thoughts on this. And other people have theirs. While I don't think it wise to shame your child, it doesn't sound like you're doing that at all. No matter what anyone's thoughts are on premarital sex, the sexting can become problematic.

I would try to casually bring up "timely" issues for teens these days, how things are different now than they were when you were a kid. How with cell phones, things that should be private can become public. And then I'd bring up some news stories of how sexting caused some problems. There are instances where girls committed suicide because their ex sent photos to the whole school. I'm sorry if this alarms you.

There's a website called christianbook.com that might help you in your search for age-appropriate books for you and your daughter to read. Definitely read reviews to make sure the text works for you.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Did I hug my daughter and tell her I love her and hope that this can help us grow as people, mom and daughter, and in faith? Yes. Of Course. And I prayed for her. She listened, but did not pray.

This is setting a very good Biblical example. Well done Mom!!

Don't forget all the things you are doing right, as you deal with some problems right now. Just want to share some encouragement on something that you did that I thought was so beautiful and loving.

Kids need to know that our love is not based on what they do, but who they are. Just as Christ loved us first, we are called to love others.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I am actually kind of in this conundrum, right now! I thought that I was in the camp that did not need to, thinking that her spiritual attitudes would be enough, but in light of this new situation, think that she may need more education on BC, because she is not as pure as I had thought.

In my humble opinion, teens should have accurate information about birth control. Having the knowledge won't push them to have sex. Having inaccurate information can actually hurt them if they decide to have sex, but do not have the proper info to use birth control safely. I don't think that information on sex ed and birth control should be given only to kids who are likely to "use" that info in the near future. I think it's just knowledge, like any other knowledge, that should be presented matter-of-factly as they grow up. They learn about history, math, science, etc, and they need to also learn about how to protect themselves from STIs and pregnancy, at some point in their life. It's still relevant information, even if they don't use it for 10 years, and wait until marriage.

Just my opinion, I understand others might disagree.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I am actually kind of in this conundrum, right now! I thought that I was in the camp that did not need to, thinking that her spiritual attitudes would be enough, but in light of this new situation, think that she may need more education on BC, because she is not as pure as I had thought.

Well, a lot of moms are in a similar position. Do you happen to know the bf's mom? You of course have a stronger communication channel with your daughter while his mom would have a fairly strong channel to communicate with him. Ideally of course he and she would be so committed to the life of reading and following the Scriptures prayerfully that the occasion of making provision for taking something or wearing something would be far more unlikely to arise. I guess one wonders what sort of advice his mom might give him, also.

 

[vinsight4u]

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[ToBeLoved]

In my humble opinion, teens should have accurate information about birth control. Having the knowledge won't push them to have sex. Having inaccurate information can actually hurt them if they decide to have sex, but do now have the proper info to use birth control safely. I don't think that information on sex ed and birth control should be given only to kids who are likely to "use" that info in the near future. I think it's just knowledge, like any other knowledge, that should be presented matter-of-factly as they grow up. They learn about history, math, science, etc, and they need to also learn about how to protect themselves from STIs and pregnancy, at some point in their life. It's still relevant information, even if they don't use it for 10 years, and wait until marriage.

Just my opinion, I understand others might disagree.

I do also think that they need accurate information. We have all heard about the kid who thought they could get pregnant from kissing. Probably more of 'our' generation, than our kids generation, but still, they need to know what equipment actually causes pregancy accurately.

 

[faroukfarouk]

In my humble opinion, teens should have accurate information about birth control. Having the knowledge won't push them to have sex. Having inaccurate information can actually hurt them if they decide to have sex, but do now have the proper info to use birth control safely. I don't think that information on sex ed and birth control should be given only to kids who are likely to "use" that info in the near future. I think it's just knowledge, like any other knowledge, that should be presented matter-of-factly as they grow up. They learn about history, math, science, etc, and they need to also learn about how to protect themselves from STIs and pregnancy, at some point in their life. It's still relevant information, even if they don't use it for 10 years, and wait until marriage.

Just my opinion, I understand others might disagree.

I know what you're saying; I guess some parents would feel that some of such educating can be too, shall we say, immediate, such as showing devices in class by removing the wrapper; some parents would far prefer that any such education be restricted to vague generalities.

 

[jericha]

@jericha (Hope the tag works, never tried it before) - The sexting would worry me a lot. Sending nude photos can cause a lot of problems. Depending on the state you live in, it is dissemination of child inappropriate contentography. If the pictures get in the wrong hands, your daughter could be publicly humiliated, or worse. Nude photos can come back to haunt you years into the future, can interfere with career goals.

In my opinion you don't deserve to be attacked on the "purity" thing. You had your own experiences which shape your thoughts on this. And other people have theirs. While I don't think it wise to shame your child, it doesn't sound like you're doing that at all. No matter what anyone's thoughts are on premarital sex, the sexting can become problematic.

I would try to casually bring up "timely" issues for teens these days, how things are different now than they were when you were a kid. How with cell phones, things that should be private can become public. And then I'd bring up some news stories of how sexting caused some problems. There are instances where girls committed suicide because their ex sent photos to the whole school. I'm sorry if this alarms you.

There's a website called christianbook.com that might help you in your search for age-appropriate books for you and your daughter to read. Definitely read reviews to make sure the text works for you.

Yes. I was thinking the same thing - talking to her with general warnings about dating in digital age and then specifically about sending pics, but need to do it at a good/right time. I do not think that it has to be today. I need to be patient and wait for good timing. Do you agree?
Of course, I do not know if she will listen, since by now she is head over heels and in her teenage "love" mania, and likely trusts this boy, more than me, sadly.
Is this a case where I have to do my best, and she will have to make her own decision?
That is so hard.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Yes. I was thinking the same thing - talking to her with general warnings about dating in digital age and then specifically about sending pics, but need to do it at a good/right time. I do not think that it has to be today. I need to be patient and wait for good timing. Do you agree?
Of course, I do not know if she will listen, since by now she is head over heels and in her teenage "love" mania, and likely trusts this boy, more than me, sadly.
Is this a case where I have to do my best, and she will have to make her own decision?
That is so hard.

You'll know the right time to talk to her about difficult topics. I do think this is a case where she has to make her own decision. Teenagers are so stubborn when they are infatuated! I know I was.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I do also think that they need accurate information. We have all heard about the kid who thought they could get pregnant from kissing. Probably more of 'our' generation, than our kids generation, but still, they need to know what equipment actually causes pregancy accurately.

Seems like you do think that parents of teens need to 'bite the bullet', so to speak, and see a need for teens to become well taught how to use bc, if the possibly extreme situation (though it's widespread) ever arose.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Yes. I was thinking the same thing - talking to her with general warnings about dating in digital age and then specifically about sending pics, but need to do it at a good/right time. I do not think that it has to be today. I need to be patient and wait for good timing. Do you agree?
Of course, I do not know if she will listen, since by now she is head over heels and in her teenage "love" mania, and likely trusts this boy, more than me, sadly.
Is this a case where I have to do my best, and she will have to make her own decision?
That is so hard.

Now take this with a grain of salt, because I am often not the most level-headed mom. But I would get that guy's phone number off my daughter's cell and would give him a well-thought-out piece of my mind.

I would directly ask him 'Why do you think it is appropriate of you to advise my daughter to sneek out of the house to meet you? I feel that if you really care for my daughter and see a future possibly for the two of you, that you would realize that asking her to lie to her parents and decieve us will in no way indear our hearts towards you. In fact, this has given us considerable cause for concern as to what your motivations are and if they are in her best interest or if you would just like to have her visiting you at odd hours of the night. You can choose not to respond, but I will take that as an admission of your guilt in wanting my daughter to disobey her parents for your own interest, with no thought of what it would do to my daughter or her relationship with us. I hope to hear from you.'

Maybe it will make him think and change his mind. Because if he stops asking her to disobey you, it will certainly make things a lot easier. And show you that he cares for her to some extent and not just himself.

On the other hand, your daughter may not take this well. My daughter would know I would do it and know that once she got busted there would be some intervention, but every parent and child relationship is different.

Give it thought and do what is best for you.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Seems like you do think that parents of teens need to 'bite the bullet', so to speak, and see a need for teens to become well taught how to use bc, if the possibly extreme situation (though it's widespread) ever arose.

Knowing the equipment needed to become pregnant is much different from feeling a teen needs to become well taught how to use birth control. FYI

 

[Poppyseed78]

Now take this with a grain of salt, because I am often not the most level-headed mom. But I would get that guy's phone number off my daughter's cell and would give him a well-thought-out piece of my mind.

I would directly ask him 'Why do you think it is appropriate of you to advise my daughter to sneek out of the house to meet you? I feel that if you really care for my daughter and see a future possibly for the two of you, that you would realize that asking her to lie to her parents and decieve us will in no way indear our hearts towards you. In fact, this has given us considerable cause for concern as to what your motivations are and if they are in her best interest or if you would just like to have her visiting you at odd hours of the night. You can choose not to respond, but I will take that as an admission of your guilt in wanting my daughter to disobey her parents for your own interest, with no thought of what it would do to my daughter or her relationship with us. I hope to hear from you.'

Maybe it will make him think and change his mind. Because if he stops asking her to disobey you, it will certainly make things a lot easier. And show you that he cares for her to some extent and not just himself.

On the other hand, your daughter may not take this well. My daughter would know I would do it and know that once she got busted there would be some intervention, but every parent and child relationship is different.

Give it thought and do what is best for you.

Truth be told I'd do the same. I was trying to be "mild" in my replies, because I didn't want to get flamed.

But in all honesty, I would do exactly what you described and deal with my child's wrath later lol.

Why would I do this? Because I wish my parents did, when I was 17, and got involved with a man who was 25. It would have saved me from a world of hurt.

 

[jericha]

Well, a lot of moms are in a similar position. Do you happen to know the bf's mom? You of course have a stronger communication channel with your daughter while his mom would have a fairly strong channel to communicate with him. Ideally of course he and she would be so committed to the life of reading and following the Scriptures prayerfully that the occasion of making provision for taking something or wearing something would be far more unlikely to arise. I guess one wonders what sort of advice his mom might give him, also.

I do not know his parents. I wish that I did. I do plan on talking to them when the time comes/chance arises. As hard as it might be, I do want to talk about our values, what we expect, and etc. It is very hard not knowing them, and they may not be Christian, or have similar values/expectations. That will be seen soon, if daughter and boy continue to hang out. In my mind, I was going to give it a few weeks before pushing to meet parents. Hopefully it will come up naturally, and I will be able to drive to boy's house to pick him up or drop him off, and could then meet his parents, and invite them to talk.
This is very hard for a very shy and socially awkward person such as myself. Lots of prayers that God works out the perfect plan.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Truth be told I'd do the same. I was trying to be "mild" in my replies, because I didn't want to get flamed.

But in all honesty, I would do exactly what you described and deal with my child's wrath later lol.

Why would I do this? Because I wish my parents did, when I was 17, and got involved with a man who was 25. It would have saved me from a world of hurt.

And IMHO, doing this makes it CLEAR to the boyfriend where her parents stand. Sometimes kids will say well it's ok with so and so, but it is not. I would just deal with it upfront without being demeaning nor accusatory, except for what they have already been caught trying to do (ie. sneak out at night).

Sometimes it is better to put it all out on the table, because then later you do not wonder 'what if I ....'. You know that you have done all you can do and have come at it from both angles, which if handled correctly, one can minimize offense.

 

[vinsight4u]

/

 

[faroukfarouk]

I do not know his parents. I wish that I did. I do plan on talking to them when the time comes/chance arises. As hard as it might be, I do want to talk about our values, what we expect, and etc. It is very hard not knowing them, and they may not be Christian, or have similar values/expectations. That will be seen soon, if daughter and boy continue to hang out. In my mind, I was going to give it a few weeks before pushing to meet parents. Hopefully it will come up naturally, and I will be able to drive to boy's house to pick him up or drop him off, and could then meet his parents, and invite them to talk.
This is very hard for a very shy and socially awkward person such as myself. Lots of prayers that God works out the perfect plan.

If the bf's mom is not a Christian, then I guess she might might be a bit more ready to advise him to wear something for bc than you are to advise your daughter about using some form of bc. You used the word conundrum; it's often this way among the moms and dads of teens.

 

[jericha]

Now take this with a grain of salt, because I am often not the most level-headed mom. But I would get that guy's phone number off my daughter's cell and would give him a well-thought-out piece of my mind.

I would directly ask him 'Why do you think it is appropriate of you to advise my daughter to sneek out of the house to meet you? I feel that if you really care for my daughter and see a future possibly for the two of you, that you would realize that asking her to lie to her parents and decieve us will in no way indear our hearts towards you. In fact, this has given us considerable cause for concern as to what your motivations are and if they are in her best interest or if you would just like to have her visiting you at odd hours of the night. You can choose not to respond, but I will take that as an admission of your guilt in wanting my daughter to disobey her parents for your own interest, with no thought of what it would do to my daughter or her relationship with us. I hope to hear from you.'

Maybe it will make him think and change his mind. Because if he stops asking her to disobey you, it will certainly make things a lot easier. And show you that he cares for her to some extent and not just himself.

On the other hand, your daughter may not take this well. My daughter would know I would do it and know that once she got busted there would be some intervention, but every parent and child relationship is different.

Give it thought and do what is best for you.

We definitely plan on having a hard talk with this boy. My husband wants to do it. one of the stipulations for her seeing this boy is that we meet him. And in one of those first meetings, we plan on addressing that their relationship started out with sneaking and lying. then to continue to talking about our expectations, and etc, and ask them to not break any rules, letting him know that she is a gem and worth it.
If she likes him enough, and if he likes her enough, they will both agree to this. That was the loose plan. I am sure that daughter would be mortified by this, but again, if she likes him and he is a decent person, he will agree.
I do worry that husband will be too "scary" and would like to be there for the conversation to help, and would like daughter to be there too.
I suppose that this can be done by phone, it is harder to judge character and truth by phone though.