Parenting a teenage daughter. Help!!!

[jericha]

...it might also involve an element of expanding and developing and responding to the wider perspectives of a person on the verge of adulthood.

This is very true, and something that I need to also keep in mind constantly.
I will do my best, day by day, and asking always for God's wisdom, and patience. I tend to rush things, instead of letting them come up naturally. For example... She will not be alone/unsupervised with this boy any time soon, so I am trying to not feel rushed, or that I need to discuss "everything" all at once today.
I know that I need to be patient, and wait for an opportunity where DD seems to be open to hearing me, especially to breach certain subjects. I will also be praying much for her heart to be open to me (and open to God of course), and for God to make it clear to me RE timing.
I felt very caught unaware by this situation (almost revelation), as shows by my fear-based, worried messages, and reaching out on this forum.
I was not expecting to have to deal all of these issues, not right now at least. Not at all; it happened so fast. I am still in a bit of shock. (Still cannot stomach any food, and did not sleep well last night. When I fell asleep, I had terrible dreams based on all of this.)
But I am feeling more hopeful today, and I will try and stay determined to use this to bring me closer to God, and hopefully closer to my Daughter, Son, and husband too.

Thanks to all who have posted with their opinions, support, and concern. I am so glad that I found this virtual place. I do not have my own safe circle locally.
I hope to have only positive updates to share. I am open to hearing more too, so feel free to send more messages, especially encouraging ones!
I really look forward to this storm being over, and freeing my time and mind up a little to focus on helping others on the forum, as you have all helped me. : )
God Bless all of you.

 

[jericha]

....And, in reality, 16 is very old to start the "facts of life" talks...

I have to mention that of course we have had the facts of life talk. She knows that sex can cause STD and pregnancy. We have not had in-depth talk drilling the importance of using BC, or gone over the specific types of BC and how to use/obtain.
I had not felt a need to go more in-depth until this came up. That may be my naive fault, but all signs pointed at sex not being an issue, and her feeling strongly about waiting.
I was shocked to find out what I found the other day. Shocked and ashamed. Ashamed that I did not know her better. Ashamed that I have not done a better job at making her feel that she can trust me.

 

[Paidiske]

We definitely plan on having a hard talk with this boy. My husband wants to do it. one of the stipulations for her seeing this boy is that we meet him. And in one of those first meetings, we plan on addressing that their relationship started out with sneaking and lying. then to continue to talking about our expectations, and etc, and ask them to not break any rules, letting him know that she is a gem and worth it.
If she likes him enough, and if he likes her enough, they will both agree to this. That was the loose plan. I am sure that daughter would be mortified by this, but again, if she likes him and he is a decent person, he will agree.
I do worry that husband will be too "scary" and would like to be there for the conversation to help, and would like daughter to be there too.
I suppose that this can be done by phone, it is harder to judge character and truth by phone though.

Honestly, I don't see this playing out well. The idea that they will both agree out of liking each other and respect for you makes a lot of assumptions that I think are probably very unlikely. I think it much more likely that Boy will walk away thinking that Girl's parents are controlling her to an unreasonable and damaging degree - and encourage her to think so too.

At this point I think you have to focus on your daughter, not Boy.

Yes, I plan on a serious talk about this within the next few days. I do not want to be accusatory, just share with her some info that I had found... And yes, make it a little scary.
I think I will just have to hack away at this whole situation a little every day, and talk a little w her every day, without bombarding her with tons of long lectures that she does not want to hear.

Each time, I would like to share a few (or more) prayers that I pray for her, so she knows how much we do think of her, and also address only one issue such as -
1. meeting boy - talking to boy about this sneaking situation
2. meeting boys parents
3. talking about dangers of sexting
4. birth control talk
5. discuss how she can earn trust back and privileges
6. What the two of them can/cannot do together
7. School - How is she feeling/doing at school/friends? (I suspect that this may be a 1 word answer though!)
8. Church - She needs to choose new church or go w us. She just left her church, that she attended w her grandma. She does not want to attend the one that we attend, and we compromised and allowed her to attend w her grandma at different church for about 1 year). This also keeps grandma company and gives them weekly time to hang out. Grandma interested in switching churches too, and there is one that DD mentioned where a good friend goes.


There is so much. I am just trying to keep rational and make a bit of a plan of action, and then start working.
These are not in a timeline. I do not have a timeline yet. What am I missing?

I'd leave "meeting boy's parents" off the agenda until you've met him and seen how that plays out. It may be that meeting his parents never happens.

The other thing I'd add in is some sort of discussion about your daughter's long term goals and dreams. What does she want to do after school? More study? In what area, leading to what kind of work? Etc. Help her build a picture of a future worth working for, and support her in reaching for that, and then there's something at risk when she behaves badly, if you know what I mean? At the moment she may not feel like there's much to look forward to except what might come with Boy. Help her build another focus.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I have to mention that of course we have had the facts of life talk. She knows that sex can cause STD and pregnancy. We have not had in-depth talk drilling the importance of using BC, or gone over the specific types of BC and how to use/obtain.
I had not felt a need to go more in-depth until this came up. That may be my naive fault, but all signs pointed at sex not being an issue, and her feeling strongly about waiting.
I was shocked to find out what I found the other day. Shocked and ashamed. Ashamed that I did not know her better. Ashamed that I have not done a better job at making her feel that she can trust me.

IF I remember...it was a long time ago...my mom took me to the GYN when I was about 15...and there the doctor filled me in on birth control...female doc. I wasn't about to go to a male one (still won't). It was factual and presented as "if you don't want to get pregnant...". At the time I was still "pure" but I was armed with knowledge for when I did lose my virginity to my boyfriend.

Many times, daughters don't feel like they can trust their mothers. I know I couldn't trust mine. Anything I said was either broadcast to the rest of the family, or brought back up as a weapon later. I was very secretive my entire life with her...I learned quick to nod my head, agree, then do whatever I was doing. I hope you're not that mom.

 

[jericha]

IF I remember...it was a long time ago...my mom took me to the GYN when I was about 15...and there the doctor filled me in on birth control...female doc. I wasn't about to go to a male one (still won't). It was factual and presented as "if you don't want to get pregnant...". At the time I was still "pure" but I was armed with knowledge for when I did lose my virginity to my boyfriend.

Many times, daughters don't feel like they can trust their mothers. I know I couldn't trust mine. Anything I said was either broadcast to the rest of the family, or brought back up as a weapon later. I was very secretive my entire life with her...I learned quick to nod my head, agree, then do whatever I was doing. I hope you're not that mom.

I hope I am not that mom too! I have worked hard for 16 years to try and not be!!
RE getting BC info from a Dr, I had actually considered that as a possibility as I thought about "the talk" we need to have, but I was not sure if was a good idea or not.
I am curious about what others think.
I did not have a lot of parenting by my parents as a pre-teen/teenager, and never ever a sex talk, so this is new territory for me! Everything I learned was from friends; that did not work out well, so I work at doing it differently.

 

[jericha]

At this point I think you have to focus on your daughter, not Boy.

Can you please clarify what you mean by this?
Are you recommending not talking to him at all?

I do not think we have to talk a lot to him on the first meeting, but do think that it is fair for him to know where we are coming from, and what we expect.
Do you disagree with talking to him about that?

I do agree that meeting him comes first, before his parents, and had planned as such (as much as anyone can plan something that has not happened, and may not happen). I would wait on parents until she wanted to go to his house or something, or perhaps if I picked him up/dropped him off there some time.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I did not have a lot of parenting by my parents as a pre-teen/teenager, and never ever a sex talk, so this is new territory for me! Everything I learned was from friends; that did not work out well, so I work at doing it differently.

I think you need to try to find a happy medium between overbearing, controlling and hung up on "purity" and a "do what you want" approach.

You said in your first post that she would be living at home for her first 2 years of college...is that economics or control? Late teen years are a time to be loosening the reins, not tightening them up. You have to trust that she's going to make fairly wise decisions...and if not, then she suffers the consequences of those dumb decisions...just like the rest of us.

My mother tried to be a controlling sort with me (only girl, 4 brothers) and it blew up in her face to where we had virtually no relationship at all. Maybe that's why I reacted so badly to some of the things in your first post.

By now...at almost 17, you just have to trust that she'll figure it all out. Parenting is a time-limited job. You have 18 years to create a human being who is capable of getting along in the wide world.

Oh...and talking to her and boy is NOT going to go well.

 

[Paidiske]

Is there no education on sex and contraception and so forth at school? By the time I was your daughter's age I'd had a very good and thorough education on that side of things at school. (Also covering issues like consent, which I think is such important ground to cover).

I will admit that when I was a pre-teen/teenager my mother was quite abusive, so a lot of my musings here are coming from a place of trying to help you do something different to that! It seems that in parenting, so often the best we can hope for is not to repeat the mistakes of the past but make new ones all of our own...

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Is there no education on sex and contraception and so forth at school? By the time I was your daughter's age I'd had a very good and thorough education on that side of things at school. (Also covering issues like consent, which I think is such important ground to cover).

Here in the US, sex-ed is a very touchy subject. Most sex-ed is "abstinence based"...IOW..."don't do it". Mostly because certain factions are very hung up on the idea that giving kids factual information is a "license to fornicate". The US is beyond messed up when it comes to sex-ed in schools.

 

[Paidiske]

Can you please clarify what you mean by this?
Are you recommending not talking to him at all?

I do not think we have to talk a lot to him on the first meeting, but do think that it is fair for him to know where we are coming from, and what we expect.
Do you disagree with talking to him about that?

I think trying to lay down the law with him will not go anywhere productive. As far as building a relationship with him, create an environment where it's okay for him to come over and get to know your family in a relaxed and friendly way, would be my advice.

I was trying to put what I thought into words, and RedPonyDriver said it so well. You and your daughter need to work on her boundaries. You don't get to set his.

 

[Paidiske]

Here in the US, sex-ed is a very touchy subject. Most sex-ed is "abstinence based"...IOW..."don't do it". Mostly because certain factions are very hung up on the idea that giving kids factual information is a "license to fornicate". The US is beyond messed up when it comes to sex-ed in schools.

Ugh. But that means if you have parents who are useless at this, you're left with nothing... that's indefensibly negligent, if you ask me.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Ugh. But that means if you have parents who are useless at this, you're left with nothing... that's indefensibly negligent, if you ask me.

Yeah...well...welcome to the US where things surrounding sex are utterly insane. I mean, it's not like anybody cares about sex ed as long as you don't have an abortion (even though neonatal and maternal death rates are the highest in the "first world")

 

[jericha]

Is there no education on sex and contraception and so forth at school? By the time I was your daughter's age I'd had a very good and thorough education on that side of things at school. (Also covering issues like consent, which I think is such important ground to cover).

I will admit that when I was a pre-teen/teenager my mother was quite abusive, so a lot of my musings here are coming from a place of trying to help you do something different to that! It seems that in parenting, so often the best we can hope for is not to repeat the mistakes of the past but make new ones all of our own...

There is NO sex ed at her school. She goes to a Christian School where they do not breach the subject from a Biblical view either.

 

[Poppyseed78]

There is NO sex ed at her school. She goes to a Christian School where they do not breach the subject from a Biblical view either.

In that case, it sounds like a talk is long overdue. I went to a public school (in the US) and had comprehensive sex education in 6th grade and in 8th grade. They taught us how pregnancy happens, contraception, and the various STIs. I'm glad that my school district offered this education, because so many do not. Learning this stuff in a factual way was really helpful. I have no idea how I'd learn anything, and what kind of misconceptions and myths I'd pick up, otherwise.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

There is NO sex ed at her school. She goes to a Christian School where they do not breach the subject from a Biblical view either.

So she learns by what her peers say, books, TV, movies, magazines? I'm sorry but I so do not feel that's healthy in any way. A bunch of hormonal teenagers with feelings they can't quite explain and no information at all? That's doing the kids an utter disservice and borders on educational neglect.

 

[jericha]

I think you need to try to find a happy medium between overbearing, controlling and hung up on "purity" and a "do what you want" approach.

You said in your first post that she would be living at home for her first 2 years of college...is that economics or control? Late teen years are a time to be loosening the reins, not tightening them up. You have to trust that she's going to make fairly wise decisions...and if not, then she suffers the consequences of those dumb decisions...just like the rest of us.

My mother tried to be a controlling sort with me (only girl, 4 brothers) and it blew up in her face to where we had virtually no relationship at all. Maybe that's why I reacted so badly to some of the things in your first post.

By now...at almost 17, you just have to trust that she'll figure it all out. Parenting is a time-limited job. You have 18 years to create a human being who is capable of getting along in the wide world.

Oh...and talking to her and boy is NOT going to go well.

I agree completely with finding that happy medium. I have been trying for that all along.
RE 2 year college, there are many factors... Money is certainly one, and a big one, as are her ambitions. She is not interested in pushing for high SAT scores, nor does she have super high grades to gain acceptance to a 4 year school right away. After we went to college discussion at her school, I breached the idea of starting at a 2 year school, based on our finances, and she said that she kind of felt more comfortable starting at a smaller school, so she can "get used to" college in an easier manner.
She may change her mind of course, and then we'll see.

 

[jericha]

So she learns by what her peers say, books, TV, movies, magazines? I'm sorry but I so do not feel that's healthy in any way. A bunch of hormonal teenagers with feelings they can't quite explain and no information at all? That's doing the kids an utter disservice and borders on educational neglect.

I agree, and wish they would do something about it, instead of ignore it all together. We do/have talked about sex. I had not gotten into BC or how to use BC or detailed each STD, though.

 

[jericha]

I think trying to lay down the law with him will not go anywhere productive. As far as building a relationship with him, create an environment where it's okay for him to come over and get to know your family in a relaxed and friendly way, would be my advice.

I was trying to put what I thought into words, and RedPonyDriver said it so well. You and your daughter need to work on her boundaries. You don't get to set his.

I thank you for these thoughts. I do agree that working with her is #1. I felt that we could not ignore the way that the "relationship" started. All in all, I would like to acknowledge that their sneaking around was wrong, and we parents are not okay with it, and ask them to please respect this.
It is so hard to know the right thing to do. The advice here has been helpful, but on one side I have people saying to call and chew him out, and on the other, to say nothing.
My gut said to do something in between, talking to him, acknowledging the situation, letting him know that we have high standards and that DD is worthy of those standards, but not being unfriendly or angry or accusatory.
But now doubt sets in on how to handle at all, and overthinking, anxiety, fear come back.

 

[jericha]

The Christian school won't. One of multitudinous reasons why I'm rather opposed to these sorts of schools but that's a discussion for another time. The problem is that she has been getting her information from biased and probably incorrect sources. Like..."if you have sex standing up you won't get pregnant" and other ridiculous stuff like that. The lack of sex-ed is probably due to certain forces w/in the school...the thinking that if you don't talk about it, they won't do it.

Regarding college - if she doesn't really know what she wants to do post-high school, maybe the best thing for her is to find a job (which I highly recommend once any kid turns 16 anyway). It would expose her to the world, she'd learn more about what she doesn't want...or has the school been sending subtle messages that women, post high school should just look to get married in lieu of higher education.

My mother flipped that I wanted to be an engineer...she didn't consider it "ladylike" and I can't repeat the names she called me when I declared what I wanted to major in or where I wanted to go to school (I went to the same school as some of my personal heroes).

She does have a passion that she wants to continue into college. She is interested in another field too, which she has said she would like to take classes in, and see what she thinks.
I know that you are not a fan of private schools, but her school is college minded. Almost all go to college, and many go to a 4 year after this HS

 

[jericha]

I thank you for these thoughts. I do agree that working with her is #1. I felt that we could not ignore the way that the "relationship" started. All in all, I would like to acknowledge that their sneaking around was wrong, and we parents are not okay with it, and ask them to please respect this.
It is so hard to know the right thing to do. The advice here has been helpful, but on one side I have people saying to call and chew him out, and on the other, to say nothing.
My gut said to do something in between, talking to him, acknowledging the situation, letting him know that we have high standards and that DD is worthy of those standards, but not being unfriendly or angry or accusatory.
But now doubt sets in on how to handle at all, and overthinking, anxiety, fear come back.

Is it unreasonable to address the situation, acknowledging that we do not approve of the way that this relationship started? I want to encourage them to get to know eachother, but want them both to know that they can do this without breakig rules or laws.
I feel that we would otherwise be ignoring a huge elephant in the room!