Nothing helps with the loss of my husband

[Rememberme]

Dear Pnkpetal, so glad you wrote back.I understand what you are saying.You just want your life back to what was normal.The everyday things that people take for granted.You want the pain gone.Who wants to do this? I too have yelled out for my husband to come back.I even text him when my roof was leaking like a sieve.Saying"come home I need you right now"People want you to trust God now and it is hard.How do you trust again?The biggest thing you needed in your life that you trusted God with is gone.My mind knows it"s not Gods fault but my heart screams" why God why?"When people say we don't always know why.I say "why not?How do I move forward again without knowing why?"I want to trust again but it is almost like a catch 22.The only thing that comes to mind is "Can these bones live again" I think we have to believe that we will sweety live again.It looks dead and we are here to keep living.What would your husband want you to do?I think mine would be saddened to know the grief I bare.I wish there was a manual for this.Step 1.Do this.Step 2. Do this.All we can do is trust the Lord to bring life out of our heap pile of bones.At times I feel a glimmer of hope rise in me.I want the hope to get so big that grief fades.Hug your Gkids even more for your husband.He is anxiously awaiting to hug you all again.Keep going for that reason.I know, God knows.We are here for you.If you are having a bad day just tell us.We are here for you.The club no one wanted to join.We know though.Here to help you,if only to acknowledge your pain.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

you are right pnktulip, we cannot know another's heart. We can empathize and sympathize but even if we have lost a loved one, like we have our pain is different from each other. I have no idea of the why's of life and death. I am very analytical and am constantly trying to figure out the whys. I never can, of course, but still I try. I do understand about not wanting to go on. For me, I just thought about what my husband would want me to do, and what he probably would have done if I had gone before him. Plus I have two boys that needed me, so I had to make the best of it for them. Is it fair? NO! Is life fair? NO! It still IS though, no matter what. Who knows how long, but hopefully there will come a day where you will also grow weary of being in the cycle you are in now. It's your journey and even if you are mad at God, He understands and so do I. I know that doesn't make it any better, but for what it's worth, we DO care and that's why we are here.

 

[pnktulip]

I truly appreciate your replies and kind words.
Hopefully life on earth will end sooner than later...
It's already ended for me..

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

I truly appreciate your replies and kind words.
Hopefully life on earth will end sooner than later...
It's already ended for me..

Hi pnktulip, I'm so glad you responded. As a widow, I'm grateful to have Christ in my life; I'm a lowly sinner not worthy of His good graces. And yet here I am, over 8 years' later, with something to show for having the tenacity to pray through this lonely time. Jesus is definitely the solution; what else have I? My husband was good, I don't want to replace him with an earthly man, I'm always comparing.

But I think the major comparison is to that of Jesus. Indeed, my husband died, but Jesus will never die, and I'll live in eternity with Him. I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but hopefully my words aren't for naught; I pray that the Lord will console you and your family. In the interim, it's OK to grieve, and methinks you're safe to do so here. Blessings!

 

[Darla1215]

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago to a brain tumor. He was 55 and we had been married 35 years. He was my best friend and the love of my life since I was 17. He had 2 surgeries, chemo & radiation. Was doing well and working up until 3 weeks before he got worse. I did not expect this so I am in shock, disbelief and very angry with God.
I have been a devout Christian all my life, trusting and believing in God to take care of us. I did everything the bible instructed, prayed without ceasing, ask and ye shall receive, prayed with faith and believing, called the elders to pray etc.. I never doubted for a second that he would not heal him. He took him anyway. I am so angry and feel so hurt and abandoned by the one I trusted the most. It makes no sense. I need him desperately. I am lost.
I have read many posts on here - it doesn't help. There are no words or nothing anyone can do. So here I am alone, in pain and don't know what to do. My life ended when God took him.
I no longer pray. I have no words. I scream at yell at God and let him know I am angry and don't understand. How can he put his children through such horrible things?? I don't see love in that.

Hello Friend, My eyes filled with tears and I got a big lump in my throat as I read your post. I was moved with compassion for you. I know that no one can understand your pain unless they have experienced it for themselves. Although I have not walked in your shoes, I too have experienced the pain of losing someone. The pain was overwhelming and tears became my meat day and night. I cried constantly. There was a big hole in my heart and I would walk around it during the day and fall in it at night. I was just existing/breathing, not living. I didn't talk to God for a long time. I guess I was angry too. One day I cried out to Him. I told Him how hurt and broken I was. A part of me was missing that I could not get back. It was then that I felt His presence. He overshadowed me with His love and He healed my broken heart. You see I only found peace when I ran to Him and stopped blaming Him.

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Satan's rebellion against God began uncounted eons ago, and continues even today. [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]He rebels by means of trading in deceit and slander. H[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]is goal is to subvert the hearts and minds of human's, to turn them against God.[/FONT] H[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]e seeks to turn humans away from serving God, so that they will instead worship and serve him.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]E[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]ven today, Satan's rebellion continues unabated. Know this for a certainty -- Satan's methods have not changed. There is, however, one big difference. Namely, [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]YOU ARE NOW THE TARGET! [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]As Satan did with Adam and Eve, he now seeks to make YOU doubt God's honesty and goodness.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]As Satan did with Job, he now seeks to prove that YOU will abandon your love and obedience of God when bad things happen to you or your loved ones.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial, Helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Moreover, whenever suffering afflicts you, Satan seeks to make you doubt whether God cares or even exists.[/FONT]

Don't let satan make you bitter at God. Satan is the author of death and suffering. God loved us so much that He put on flesh, to defeat the death that He so hates. PLease know that there is NOTHING I can say to take away your pain, BUT I know One that can. Run to Him friend. Let God wrap His loving arms around you and heal your broken heart. He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.
(Psalms 147:3)

YOU are in my thoughts and prayers. Love to you Please if you don't mind will you listen to a couple of songs Youtube "When I Cry" by Marshall Hall/Guy Penrod/Wes Hampton(2008) & "He Understands My Tears" by The Issacs

Rev 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.


He does understand my friend. Please know that you are never alone. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
(Romans 8:38-39)

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Hello Friend, My eyes filled with tears and I got a big lump in my throat as I read your post. I was moved with compassion for you. I know that no one can understand your pain unless they have experienced it for themselves. Although I have not walked in your shoes, I too have experienced the pain of losing someone. The pain was overwhelming and tears became my meat day and night. I cried constantly. There was a big hole in my heart and I would walk around it during the day and fall in it at night. I was just existing/breathing, not living. I didn't talk to God for a long time. I guess I was angry too. One day I cried out to Him. I told Him how hurt and broken I was. A part of me was missing that I could not get back. It was then that I felt His presence. He overshadowed me with His love and He healed my broken heart. You see I only found peace when I ran to Him and stopped blaming Him.

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Satan's rebellion against God began uncounted eons ago, and continues even today. [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]He rebels by means of trading in deceit and slander. H[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]is goal is to subvert the hearts and minds of human's, to turn them against God.[/FONT] H[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]e seeks to turn humans away from serving God, so that they will instead worship and serve him.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]E[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]ven today, Satan's rebellion continues unabated. Know this for a certainty -- Satan's methods have not changed. There is, however, one big difference. Namely, [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]YOU ARE NOW THE TARGET! [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]As Satan did with Adam and Eve, he now seeks to make YOU doubt God's honesty and goodness.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]As Satan did with Job, he now seeks to prove that YOU will abandon your love and obedience of God when bad things happen to you or your loved ones.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial, Helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Moreover, whenever suffering afflicts you, Satan seeks to make you doubt whether God cares or even exists.[/FONT]

Don't let satan make you bitter at God. Satan is the author of death and suffering. God loved us so much that He put on flesh, to defeat the death that He so hates. PLease know that there is NOTHING I can say to take away your pain, BUT I know One that can. Run to Him friend. Let God wrap His loving arms around you and heal your broken heart. He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.
(Psalms 147:3)

YOU are in my thoughts and prayers. Love to you Please if you don't mind will you listen to a couple of songs Youtube "When I Cry" by Marshall Hall/Guy Penrod/Wes Hampton(2008) & "He Understands My Tears" by The Issacs

Rev 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.


He does understand my friend. Please know that you are never alone. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
(Romans 8:38-39)

Hi Darla, I have something to say about suffering. We are to suffer for Christ; in fact, it says we're blessed if we do.

Matthew 5:3-4
3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

1 Peter 3:13-17
13 And who is he that will harm you, if ye be followers of that which is good?

14 But and if ye suffer for righteousness' sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled;

15 But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:

16 Having a good conscience; that, whereas they speak evil of you, as of evildoers, they may be ashamed that falsely accuse your good conversation in Christ.

17 For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.

As far as the Lord being able to heal us of the brokenness of widowhood (widowers included), He's amazing enough to do that. I can so relate to your experience of crying out to God and then having Him fill you. I had a similar experience. Not that I haven't struggled with bitterness at times, or even been tempted in ways that aren't glorifying to God... I have. I just pick myself up, dust off, and continue to run the race. Blessings!

 

[sonyeth]

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago to a brain tumor. He was 55 and we had been married 35 years. He was my best friend and the love of my life since I was 17. He had 2 surgeries, chemo & radiation. Was doing well and working up until 3 weeks before he got worse. I did not expect this so I am in shock, disbelief and very angry with God.
I have been a devout Christian all my life, trusting and believing in God to take care of us. I did everything the bible instructed, prayed without ceasing, ask and ye shall receive, prayed with faith and believing, called the elders to pray etc.. I never doubted for a second that he would not heal him. He took him anyway. I am so angry and feel so hurt and abandoned by the one I trusted the most. It makes no sense. I need him desperately. I am lost.
I have read many posts on here - it doesn't help. There are no words or nothing anyone can do. So here I am alone, in pain and don't know what to do. My life ended when God took him.
I no longer pray. I have no words. I scream at yell at God and let him know I am angry and don't understand. How can he put his children through such horrible things?? I don't see love in that.

hi pnktulip, Your still bless by God because you even had granchildren, I lost my spouse last April 2012, and we had only 4 yrs old son...I ask God why He took my Darling so early for us to enjoy and share life with, We've been married for seven years but we shared only about 3 years in total because my spouse is working in other country..The pain is really hard to endure...it almost make me feel i die too. We have many plans, dreams for the family, and I ask God why it seems He snatch all this things from us, from me...God doesn't want us to be happy. But then on as I continually pray for the answer...God gave me understanding, WITH ALL OF MY THINKING THAT MY SPOUSE WILL BE HAPPIER HERE WITH ME AND OUR SON, AND WITH ALL MY SELFISH DESIRES THAT I WILL BE HAPPIER TOO IF HE IS HERE, GOD taught me that THERE'S NO HAPPIEST AND SECURE PLACE RATHER THAN GODS HOME...AND IT IS ALSO THE PLACE WHERE WILL I GO WHEN I DIE ITS JUST HE WENT THERE EARLIER THAN I..THAT I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN..THAT'S COMFORTS ME .We really cant understand all things,only God knows, its a test of our faith...HOLD ON TO GOD, HOLD ON TO YOUR CREATOR WHO HOLDS THE FUTURE! GOD BLESS US!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

hi pnktulip, Your still bless by God because you even had granchildren, I lost my spouse last April 2012, and we had only 4 yrs old son...I ask God why He took my Darling so early for us to enjoy and share life with, We've been married for seven years but we shared only about 3 years in total because my spouse is working in other country..The pain is really hard to endure...it almost make me feel i die too. We have many plans, dreams for the family, and I ask God why it seems He snatch all this things from us, from me...God doesn't want us to be happy. But then on as I continually pray for the answer...God gave me understanding, WITH ALL OF MY THINKING THAT MY SPOUSE WILL BE HAPPIER HERE WITH ME AND OUR SON, AND WITH ALL MY SELFISH DESIRES THAT I WILL BE HAPPIER TOO IF HE IS HERE, GOD taught me that THERE'S NO HAPPIEST AND SECURE PLACE RATHER THAN GODS HOME...AND IT IS ALSO THE PLACE WHERE WILL I GO WHEN I DIE ITS JUST HE WENT THERE EARLIER THAN I..THAT I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN..THAT'S COMFORTS ME .We really cant understand all things,only God knows, its a test of our faith...HOLD ON TO GOD, HOLD ON TO YOUR CREATOR WHO HOLDS THE FUTURE! GOD BLESS US!

Wise words and so true! So sorry for your loss sonyeth! Thankful that you have a son to hold on to to also carry on your husband's name. God Bless!

 

[sonyeth]

Wise words and so true! So sorry for your loss sonyeth! Thankful that you have a son to hold on to to also carry on your husband's name. God Bless!

Hello Michelle,...the pain is still here, I'm crying everynight...maybe that's help me..I know all this things will pass, I just dont know when. GOD BE MERCIFUL TO US..

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hello Michelle,...the pain is still here, I'm crying everynight...maybe that's help me..I know all this things will pass, I just dont know when. GOD BE MERCIFUL TO US..

Just remember that however long you need to cry every night or however often it is OK. Grief is different for everyone and God knows this. People don't however, and they never know what to say, or how to act, and they try to be helpful but sometimes they say stupid stuff. My own mother-in-law, only after about a year maybe, when I told her I wasn't dating, she said to me "what are you going to do? just shrivel up and die?" and I was like ????? She thought I should join Parents without Partners because that's how she met her latest husband, but I was more interested in making sure my kids were OK than finding a new guy. You will find that people want to see you "move forward" so THEY feel better, but you need to do whatever is best for you. There is no right or wrong in grief. It's been 7 years for me and I haven't even dated. Some days I think I might, and other days I'm just not interested and no one has come on the scene that I would even remotely consider and it's not a priority in my life. But probably til the day you die, when people hear about your loss, even now for me, they always say "Oh I'm so sorry". My kids get it too. People just don't even know what else to say, because there is nothing else to say. Try not to let it bother you. You will get thru it, but you will never get "over" it, IMO. But God is always with you, and He totally understands. He sent his Son to the cross for us, so He does know how we feel.

 

[bj1944]

Hi...I'm a newbie...just found the site yesterday. I lost my wife last month to uterine cancer. She "fought the good fight" for nine months and then went to be with the Lord. I can certainly identify with some of what you must be experiencing right now. I certainly will be praying for you.This experience has to be the greatest challenge anyone will face when their husband/wife is removed from their lives. At times it seems almost impossible to wrap your mind around that loss especially when the relationship is on the level you described, and gratefully, as was also the case with my precious wife and I. Such a relationship leaves us with many wonderful and unforgetable memories. However, at present, those memories are so painful to relive. I know and trust it will get better. Please pray for me. God bless! Romans 8:26

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Welcome to the club nobody wanted to join. I will be praying for you.

 

[sonyeth]

Just remember that however long you need to cry every night or however often it is OK. Grief is different for everyone and God knows this. People don't however, and they never know what to say, or how to act, and they try to be helpful but sometimes they say stupid stuff. My own mother-in-law, only after about a year maybe, when I told her I wasn't dating, she said to me "what are you going to do? just shrivel up and die?" and I was like ????? She thought I should join Parents without Partners because that's how she met her latest husband, but I was more interested in making sure my kids were OK than finding a new guy. You will find that people want to see you "move forward" so THEY feel better, but you need to do whatever is best for you. There is no right or wrong in grief. It's been 7 years for me and I haven't even dated. Some days I think I might, and other days I'm just not interested and no one has come on the scene that I would even remotely consider and it's not a priority in my life. But probably til the day you die, when people hear about your loss, even now for me, they always say "Oh I'm so sorry". My kids get it too. People just don't even know what else to say, because there is nothing else to say. Try not to let it bother you. You will get thru it, but you will never get "over" it, IMO. But God is always with you, and He totally understands. He sent his Son to the cross for us, so He does know how we feel.

Hi Michelle,....Some is telling me that I can still find other guy. Everytime I hear those words...it really really breaks my heart...because they just adding the pain that I can no longer have him...To think that I will hug other than my Darling it really makes me cry....Yes the pain is still fresh...I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! With all the qualities and character he possess...he is one in a million..Even the people around him testify about that. I'am now crying......God comforts us!

 

[Trdrp]

There seems to be nothing, nowhere that will ease the pain of the loss. Coping skills are exhausted. To continue to suffer silently seems to be the only answer for me. My children and grandchildren are busy with their lives, and this is as it should be. What was a close circle of friends has long since disappeared, either through moves or death. My church and my faith are the only source of support I know. I've heard all of the cliches that come with the grieving process. For the first time in my life, I am alone. I ask God to help me and guide me on my journey. Thank you, to anyone who reads this, for listening to me.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

There seems to be nothing, nowhere that will ease the pain of the loss. Coping skills are exhausted. To continue to suffer silently seems to be the only answer for me. My children and grandchildren are busy with their lives, and this is as it should be. What was a close circle of friends has long since disappeared, either through moves or death. My church and my faith are the only source of support I know. I've heard all of the cliches that come with the grieving process. For the first time in my life, I am alone. I ask God to help me and guide me on my journey. Thank you, to anyone who reads this, for listening to me.

While it may feel like you are alone, because in the physical you kind of are, God is right there with you. He does understand your pain, and He's really the only one that does understand totally. I think He allows us to go thru this pain to get us to the place where He truly is the only one. He wants us to lean on Him. He wants to be the most important person in our lives. It sucks to have to go thru it, but we all know that 100 percent of us will die, it's just the nature of being human. So at least if we have faith and believe in Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we can have hope for the future after we leave this earth, and if our loved ones believed also, then we know we will see them again and from that point on, none of us will ever experience death again. THAT is the hope I lean on. I hope it gives you a slight bit of comfort.

Sonyeth.....this is one of those stupid things people say. They mean well, they are trying to do what they can to make you feel better. Until someone goes thru it, they cannot understand how painful or how much more painful they are making it by telling us that we can find another. It's just they don't know what to do or say, and like I said, they mean well. Lots of people that become widows or widowers do end up remarrying, but the timeframe for that is different for everyone. And I wish people would not be so presumptuous to think that everyone WILL find someone else and remarry. Not everyone can, and not everyone wants to. It's just one of those things that people that cannot understand say. If you can realize this, maybe their words will not hurt you so much.

 

[bj1944]

Thanks to all who responded to my inicial post. I appreciate your kind words and especially your prayers. While I have experienced the loss of other friends and other family members in the past this is a completely new journey for me. Nothing I have ever experienced in the past has even come close. The pain at times is so intense that it makes you almost wish the relationship had not been so incredible. Of course, I know that is a foolish thought. I wouldn't trade a minute of our 47 + years of marriage. Thanks again guys. You are all in my prayers as well.

 

[Trdrp]

Thank you, Michelle, for offering comfort and kind thoughts. Until I am with him again, the losses keep coming; each one hurts more than the last. Many call it the "year of firsts."

 

[sonyeth]

Michelle, Yes they really wants to comfort by saying those words...unnoticed those words are presently hard for me to accept. Maybe sometime...months or years until I'm ready to reply with a smile. You are right & I will quote your word to Trdrp..He wants to be the most important person in our lives... Yes my spouse and my son became the center of my life since the beginning. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY THE LORD WANTS TO BE THE NUMBER 1 IN OUR LIVES...and the spouse to be the number 2, Because it will really crush you down when God is not the number one..My spouse leaves me....but not God...There are many lessons from being a widow...its my prayer to understand, to learn and share to everyone who's experiencing the same. God Heals us all!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

And while it is NOT true that time heals all wounds, time DOES make it easier to deal with our wounds and they aren't completely open all the time as in the beginning. We can NEVER get OVER losing a loved one. We can only somehow learn to go on, because we have to, and because our loved one would want us to. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would not want my loved one to waste the rest of their lives grieving. Of course I would understand them grieving for as long as necessary, but not for the entire rest of their lives. I had to go on for my kids sake or I probably would have grieved longer. I grieve in silent now. Sometimes it happens when I watch a stupid TV show or something on the news. BUT I KNOW my loved one is in a FAR better place than I am, so I cannot grieve too much. I can only hope that Jesus comes quickly because this world is just getting more evil by the minute.

 

[RogerVW]

Great comments all! I send my understanding, prayers and sympathy to those who have joined lately. I agree that the pain does not seem to go away (nor does the love). In my random thoughts I was wondering IF the more love you shared the greater the pain?..I guess that depends on your perspective and the it's not like love can be measured? I suppose I feel like time is standing still and after four months I am NOT progressing except as someone said you learn to cope and hide your pain and go through the motions.

Another random thought I had in my lonliness was that I agree what was said by Sonyeth that God wants to be number 1 in our lives and yet after creating man He created woman so they can be companions, so He doesn't want us to be alone? I felt God brought my love and I together and am still struggle to understand why we are now apart? I know this is testing my faith and I pray for strength in my faith and ask for forgiveness for being so weak. I suppose being lonely is just another thing the devil uses to pry us away from God?

I hope you all are able to turn your worries over to the Lord and to trust in His plan.