Nothing helps with the loss of my husband

[pnktulip]

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago to a brain tumor. He was 55 and we had been married 35 years. He was my best friend and the love of my life since I was 17. He had 2 surgeries, chemo & radiation. Was doing well and working up until 3 weeks before he got worse. I did not expect this so I am in shock, disbelief and very angry with God.
I have been a devout Christian all my life, trusting and believing in God to take care of us. I did everything the bible instructed, prayed without ceasing, ask and ye shall receive, prayed with faith and believing, called the elders to pray etc.. I never doubted for a second that he would not heal him. He took him anyway. I am so angry and feel so hurt and abandoned by the one I trusted the most. It makes no sense. I need him desperately. I am lost.
I have read many posts on here - it doesn't help. There are no words or nothing anyone can do. So here I am alone, in pain and don't know what to do. My life ended when God took him.
I no longer pray. I have no words. I scream at yell at God and let him know I am angry and don't understand. How can he put his children through such horrible things?? I don't see love in that.

 

[Rememberme]

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago to a brain tumor. He was 55 and we had been married 35 years. He was my best friend and the love of my life since I was 17. He had 2 surgeries, chemo & radiation. Was doing well and working up until 3 weeks before he got worse. I did not expect this so I am in shock, disbelief and very angry with God.
I have been a devout Christian all my life, trusting and believing in God to take care of us. I did everything the bible instructed, prayed without ceasing, ask and ye shall receive, prayed with faith and believing, called the elders to pray etc.. I never doubted for a second that he would not heal him. He took him anyway. I am so angry and feel so hurt and abandoned by the one I trusted the most. It makes no sense. I need him desperately. I am lost.
I have read many posts on here - it doesn't help. There are no words or nothing anyone can do. So here I am alone, in pain and don't know what to do. My life ended when God took him.
I no longer pray. I have no words. I scream at yell at God and let him know I am angry and don't understand. How can he put his children through such horrible things?? I don't see love in that.

Dear Pnkpetal,I am so sorry to hear of your great loss.I don't have all the right words for you.I too was married for 34 yrs.and still miss my DH after almost 7 mos.due to cancer.I stood on the word and got zip.My faith was shattered as yours.I still cry although it is getting easier.I go to church and during worship I cry.Here is how I see being angry with God.He can take it.We should be angry at the enemy but does he care NO!!!!the Lord understands your pain.I will never say God wanted this to happen.He is not the author of pain and sickness.If all you can say is "I trust you Lord"that's o.k. He knows where you are at right now.Even in the midst of pain I felt Gods presence.It is a journey none want to do but do we have a choice?I hate it God hates it too.All I could say is I needed my husband here not DEAD!!!I wish i had the right words for you.I don't.I hope you have some support around you.I do know what your feeling though and others in the forum do also.Feel free to keep posting we are here for you. Weeping with you.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

There are no words to make it better. No advice that will help you right now. I was never angry at God, but I did feel confused because I, like you, expected my husband to be healed. It didn't happen and I cannot tell you why. It just didn't. Over time I came to realize that my husband actually got healed in the best way possible (for him! not me). But still that didn't help me and I'm sure it will not help you either. I hate that we have to go thru this, and believe me when I say, that we here in this forum, know what you are going thru. It's a club we never wanted to join but regardless now are lifetime members. And Rememberme is correct when she says God can handle your feelings.
It's been 7 years for me, but some days it still feels like yesterday. I have gotten thru alot of the pain and I don't think I will understand why until I get to eternity. That was my saving grace...that someday I will get to see my husband again (and my other loved ones too). Feel free to come here and vent and don't worry about how it sounds. There is no proper way to grieve and everyone grieves differently. However long it takes you, is what is right for you.
The only other thing I can say is that even though God allowed this, disease happens because of the broken world we live in, and my mom used to say, "it doesn't matter where you are, when it's your time it's your time" and she died at 58. My husband was also 55. He died a day after his 55th birthday.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago to a brain tumor. He was 55 and we had been married 35 years. He was my best friend and the love of my life since I was 17. He had 2 surgeries, chemo & radiation. Was doing well and working up until 3 weeks before he got worse. I did not expect this so I am in shock, disbelief and very angry with God.
I have been a devout Christian all my life, trusting and believing in God to take care of us. I did everything the bible instructed, prayed without ceasing, ask and ye shall receive, prayed with faith and believing, called the elders to pray etc.. I never doubted for a second that he would not heal him. He took him anyway. I am so angry and feel so hurt and abandoned by the one I trusted the most. It makes no sense. I need him desperately. I am lost.
I have read many posts on here - it doesn't help. There are no words or nothing anyone can do. So here I am alone, in pain and don't know what to do. My life ended when God took him.
I no longer pray. I have no words. I scream at yell at God and let him know I am angry and don't understand. How can he put his children through such horrible things?? I don't see love in that.

Hi, I just noticed your thread, you're grieving, and anger is a part of the grieving process. My deepest condolences to you.

I'm a widow of over 8 years and I totally understand what you're going through. So does God. I hope that you find a group of widows/widowers in whom you can confide, and a Christian counselor or pastor, who will lend support during this time of need.

Could be you're not quite ready to read/hear this now, but God puts these trials in our lives to make us stronger. We as Christian widows/widowers are able to go to Jesus with our sorrows, and have faith that it's Him we're to lean upon. These aren't hollow words, I've been there and done it, dear one. Praying for you during this time of need. Blessings.

 

[pnktulip]

Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement. I wish someone could say or do something to take away my pain and anger but I know that isn't possible. I have talked to my minister and his wife (who lost her husband at age 38 and left her with 3 small girls) but they don't have the answers. I realize I won't know this side of heaven but I just cannot get past the feeling that God abandon me and my husband when we needed him the most. I don't understand why a God of love would not grant health and happiness to his children.
My husband and I were so close and did everything together and now I have no one and everyday I mourn and grieve and ask myself - What am I going to do with my life?? All my plans and dreams died when he did. I have two great sons who are here for me and four wonderful grandchildren but that doesn't even help. My life and everything I did was with my husband.
I hate this, hate this, hate this...
All who read this, please pray for me..

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I will definitely pray for you. I know when my husband's dad died, it took him almost 5 years to get thru it and he had me and his kids, but we were not enough. For me, my boys are my focus, and have been because who else do they have? Truly, truly, I DO understand what you are saying. You might never know God's "reason" but maybe try to think from your husband's view, what he would want. He would not want you to wallow in grief forever, and he would want you to go on. He would want you to cherish your kids and your grandchildren and the rest of the life you must lead on this earth until Jesus returns for us or we die. I can say that if it had been my husband left here, he probably would have remarried soon after I passed. I still haven't been with anyone since he died, but that's my choice and/or fate, whatever. It IS hard and there are no words. Take one day at a time and try to make the best of it, and if you can't, try again the next day.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement. I wish someone could say or do something to take away my pain and anger but I know that isn't possible. I have talked to my minister and his wife (who lost her husband at age 38 and left her with 3 small girls) but they don't have the answers. I realize I won't know this side of heaven but I just cannot get past the feeling that God abandon me and my husband when we needed him the most. I don't understand why a God of love would not grant health and happiness to his children.
My husband and I were so close and did everything together and now I have no one and everyday I mourn and grieve and ask myself - What am I going to do with my life?? All my plans and dreams died when he did. I have two great sons who are here for me and four wonderful grandchildren but that doesn't even help. My life and everything I did was with my husband.
I hate this, hate this, hate this...
All who read this, please pray for me..

Hi pnktulip, how are you doing this evening (well, it's evening here where I'm at!)? I've subscribed to this thread to check in with you. Of course I'll pray, and I'm pretty certain that other readers will too. God bless you!

 

[pnktulip]

Thylovingkindness, thank you for checking in on me. I am not doing well. Nothing helps and everything hurts. I watch my grandchildren play and talk about how they miss Pa and I could just die.... My heart breaks and I get even more angrier with God. How could he take him away from these children who need him. He was the only grandfather they had.
I don't want to do anything and certainly don't care about anything. I am sick to death of hearing people tell me you'll be ok, you are strong, you've got to keep going and doing.... WHY do I have to? I am not as strong as people think and I am certainly not Job of the bible.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Thylovingkindness, thank you for checking in on me. I am not doing well. Nothing helps and everything hurts. I watch my grandchildren play and talk about how they miss Pa and I could just die.... My heart breaks and I get even more angrier with God. How could he take him away from these children who need him. He was the only grandfather they had.
I don't want to do anything and certainly don't care about anything. I am sick to death of hearing people tell me you'll be ok, you are strong, you've got to keep going and doing.... WHY do I have to? I am not as strong as people think and I am certainly not Job of the bible.

Hi pnktulip, just pray. People can say the strangest things to us when we're grieving the loss of a loved one because... well... they're oftentimes awkward and maybe a few don't really understand. I suggest you talk to the Lord Jesus in prayer, He knows your grief, just let him in. I did the very same thing 8 years' ago and was amazed.

I'm praying for you, blessings.

 

[Woven]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for you

 

[redwind]

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago to a brain tumor. He was 55 and we had been married 35 years. He was my best friend and the love of my life since I was 17. He had 2 surgeries, chemo & radiation. Was doing well and working up until 3 weeks before he got worse. I did not expect this so I am in shock, disbelief and very angry with God.
I have been a devout Christian all my life, trusting and believing in God to take care of us. I did everything the bible instructed, prayed without ceasing, ask and ye shall receive, prayed with faith and believing, called the elders to pray etc.. I never doubted for a second that he would not heal him. He took him anyway. I am so angry and feel so hurt and abandoned by the one I trusted the most. It makes no sense. I need him desperately. I am lost.
I have read many posts on here - it doesn't help. There are no words or nothing anyone can do. So here I am alone, in pain and don't know what to do. My life ended when God took him.
I no longer pray. I have no words. I scream at yell at God and let him know I am angry and don't understand. How can he put his children through such horrible things?? I don't see love in that.

pnktulip
April 24 will be two years ago that I lost my husband. He was my husband, my best friend, my everything. He was diagnoised with lung cancer; exactly one month after his diagnosis I was sitting in his memorial service. No time to get ready! We have no children and my brother who is really my only family is 500 miles away.

My brother arrived in town the night before my husband passed away, so at least I was not alone during that time. But, the day after the memorial service he returned home and I was left alone.

I did not expect to be a widow for the Second time at the age of 50!
I was SO angry at God. I felt like I not only lost my husband; I also lost God or at least my releationship with Him.

I got sick and tired of hearing people say "God has a reason" Yet, no one could give me any idea of what that reason might be.

I could not pray; what was worse it did not bother me that I could not pray. God let me down! I counted on Him to take care of my husband and He did not heal him.

One night a friend (She was my husband's ICU nurse and we became friends during the time he was in ICU. She was with us the morning that he passed) came over to see me.

I was describing my anger for God. I willl never forget her response. She told me "go ahead, be as angry as you want...God is a big boy, He can handle all of your anger"

She then did soemthing else I will never forget. She wore a bracelet that was the serenity prayer. She took it off and she bagan to tell me that when she lost her husband she was also angry at God and could not pray. She said she started by just saying His name, just saying "God". She said that was all she could utter for a couple of weeks and then she added to word "grant". She went on to describe how it took her months to be able to say the entire prayer. But, with each word came a little bit of healing.

As strange as it sounds she said she was also able to "forgive" God for the hurt she felt He had caused.

She handed the bracelet to me; That night before I went to sleep I said the first word of the prayer "God". Like my frined the process took several months. I still am not where I want to be with God, but little by little I am getting there.

I don't understand "why" and I figure that when I get my answer it won't matter any more.

Somehow I have come to realize that God is God and He is going to do what He wants to do. I can either accept it or just spend the rest of my life being really ticked off with Him. I am trying really hard to just accept it. I am exhausted and I don't have any more fight left.

Last Saturday would have been his 58th birthday, Today was Easter and the 24th will be two years that I started this trip to Hell. Little by little I feel like I am starting to come out of it. But, I still miss him each and every day.

I wish I could see you; I would give my serenity prayer bracelet to you. But I can't; but I can encourage you to just start with the word "God"....maybe it will be your first step to the path of healing.
Take Care!

 

[Rememberme]

pnktulip
April 24 will be two years ago that I lost my husband. He was my husband, my best friend, my everything. He was diagnoised with lung cancer; exactly one month after his diagnosis I was sitting in his memorial service. No time to get ready! We have no children and my brother who is really my only family is 500 miles away.

My brother arrived in town the night before my husband passed away, so at least I was not alone during that time. But, the day after the memorial service he returned home and I was left alone.

I did not expect to be a widow for the Second time at the age of 50!
I was SO angry at God. I felt like I not only lost my husband; I also lost God or at least my releationship with Him.

I got sick and tired of hearing people say "God has a reason" Yet, no one could give me any idea of what that reason might be.

I could not pray; what was worse it did not bother me that I could not pray. God let me down! I counted on Him to take care of my husband and He did not heal him.

One night a friend (She was my husband's ICU nurse and we became friends during the time he was in ICU. She was with us the morning that he passed) came over to see me.

I was describing my anger for God. I willl never forget her response. She told me "go ahead, be as angry as you want...God is a big boy, He can handle all of your anger"

She then did soemthing else I will never forget. She wore a bracelet that was the serenity prayer. She took it off and she bagan to tell me that when she lost her husband she was also angry at God and could not pray. She said she started by just saying His name, just saying "God". She said that was all she could utter for a couple of weeks and then she added to word "grant". She went on to describe how it took her months to be able to say the entire prayer. But, with each word came a little bit of healing.

As strange as it sounds she said she was also able to "forgive" God for the hurt she felt He had caused.

She handed the bracelet to me; That night before I went to sleep I said the first word of the prayer "God". Like my frined the process took several months. I still am not where I want to be with God, but little by little I am getting there.

I don't understand "why" and I figure that when I get my answer it won't matter any more.

Somehow I have come to realize that God is God and He is going to do what He wants to do. I can either accept it or just spend the rest of my life being really ticked off with Him. I am trying really hard to just accept it. I am exhausted and I don't have any more fight left.

Last Saturday would have been his 58th birthday, Today was Easter and the 24th will be two years that I started this trip to Hell. Little by little I feel like I am starting to come out of it. But, I still miss him each and every day.

I wish I could see you; I would give my serenity prayer bracelet to you. But I can't; but I can encourage you to just start with the word "God"....maybe it will be your first step to the path of healing.
Take Care!

Redwind,I understand this completely.I am taking baby steps back to Him.In my mind I know it is not Gods fault.My confidence is at an all time low.I keep saying Lord help me get back.I do not know how. My friend said taking steps into the cold "water" will eventually feel comfortable again.I am so sorry for your loss Redwind.Bessings. You are loved.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

redwind what a beautiful story of your journey. People say dumb things because they are trying to help and they can't and they don't know what to do. They somehow think that if they say these things like "you'll be OK" or "God has a reason" that you will snap out of the grief or something but we who have been there know that this is never the case.

In redwind's story where the nurse said "Go ahead and be angry with God, He can take it" is exactly correct. We will never know this side of heaven the "why" it had to happen to our spouses. And even IF we got the answer of "why" it would not satisfy us because all we would want is our spouses back and of course we know that won't happen in this lifetime.

Going on is a struggle and we will never get "back" to where we were, because we can't go back in time.
One reason I didn't get in grief counseling is because I didn't see the point of sitting around with a bunch of strangers all crying about our circumstances. I could do that on my own. I did not think it would help ME. That doesn't mean it won't help others. Some people feel better that they aren't alone in their journey and are comforted by knowing others feel the same way they do.

Just know that we are here for you. You can vent here and not be judged. Hopefully we won't be too spiritual for you to handle and we can offer you some sort of comfort albeit online.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no one should tell you otherwise. My husband took about 5 years to get over his dad dying and he had me and his kids and we weren't enough of a reason for him to have a will to live afterward for awhile. Thankfully he did get thru it, and then I had to endure losing him. Still don't understand WHY but I no longer ask because it doesn't matter anyway, it won't bring him back.
What I miss most about him being gone is family gatherings. We don't have them anymore. People have gotten divorced and sick since his passing and most live out of state. I had the lonliest Easter ever yesterday, but that too is just part of my journey I guess.
I hope you at least find understanding and some comfort here.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

redwind what a beautiful story of your journey. People say dumb things because they are trying to help and they can't and they don't know what to do. They somehow think that if they say these things like "you'll be OK" or "God has a reason" that you will snap out of the grief or something but we who have been there know that this is never the case.

In redwind's story where the nurse said "Go ahead and be angry with God, He can take it" is exactly correct. We will never know this side of heaven the "why" it had to happen to our spouses. And even IF we got the answer of "why" it would not satisfy us because all we would want is our spouses back and of course we know that won't happen in this lifetime.

Going on is a struggle and we will never get "back" to where we were, because we can't go back in time.
One reason I didn't get in grief counseling is because I didn't see the point of sitting around with a bunch of strangers all crying about our circumstances. I could do that on my own. I did not think it would help ME. That doesn't mean it won't help others. Some people feel better that they aren't alone in their journey and are comforted by knowing others feel the same way they do.

Just know that we are here for you. You can vent here and not be judged. Hopefully we won't be too spiritual for you to handle and we can offer you some sort of comfort albeit online.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no one should tell you otherwise. My husband took about 5 years to get over his dad dying and he had me and his kids and we weren't enough of a reason for him to have a will to live afterward for awhile. Thankfully he did get thru it, and then I had to endure losing him. Still don't understand WHY but I no longer ask because it doesn't matter anyway, it won't bring him back.
What I miss most about him being gone is family gatherings. We don't have them anymore. People have gotten divorced and sick since his passing and most live out of state. I had the lonliest Easter ever yesterday, but that too is just part of my journey I guess.
I hope you at least find understanding and some comfort here.

Hi Michelle, I was by myself on Easter too. Thank God that I went to church, it made for an awesome Sunday. Then, I hopped in the car and drove up north for awhile. I've discovered that holidays aren't so lonely if I plan ahead, in order to ensure that I'm not isolated. As I think of it, there was more than one widow in that church yesterday, so indeed I wasn't secluded, especially being in a body of believers.

It's good that we're able to fellowship here also, hopefully we can help one another.

For those of you who haven't been widowed as long, and this surely includes widowers too... if it wasn't for Christ in my life these last several years, I don't know what I would have done. Having faith in my position in Him, even when my condition wasn't the greatest, was a lifesaver indeed.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Yeah if I didn't have to cart my teenager back and forth from the skate park I maybe could have done something like go to the lake or ???

I totally agree with your last comment about not knowing what you would have done if you didn't know Christ. I don't know how non-believers deal with it, cuz I could not. Even though things happen in my life (besides my husband dying) that I don't understand, I STILL believe in Christ and still ultimately try to trust in Him.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Yeah if I didn't have to cart my teenager back and forth from the skate park I maybe could have done something like go to the lake or ???

I totally agree with your last comment about not knowing what you would have done if you didn't know Christ. I don't know how non-believers deal with it, cuz I could not. Even though things happen in my life (besides my husband dying) that I don't understand, I STILL believe in Christ and still ultimately try to trust in Him.

Exactly.

A memory has come to mind. When I was first widowed, I was in a grief-group setting with other widows/widowers. I may have mentioned the following in a previous post, but I recall this one chirpy, widowed counselor there. She mentioned that after 5 years, she'd met another man and was ecstatic, which I found to be neither here nor there as I couldn't at the time imagine replacing my late-husband. I still feel that way.

This is the cool part of having Jesus in my life. He is now my Husband. And if there are plans for me to be with another man, it's His and not mine.

In those early years, I gained much from Christian widows' wisdom, even though initially I didn't quite comprehend either.

While there still can be an emptiness at times, I must say that the pain of having lost a spouse isn't as sharp now as it was back then. Indeed, the Lord brought me through all of this for a reason.

 

[pnktulip]

Thank you for all the beautiful stories and words of encouragement... I am sure hoping that time will help to ease the pain and my faith in God will return. I cry out to him in agony, pain and anger every day.
My life like so many of yours has been shattered... All that we had planned is no longer and right now I have no joy or happiness at all.
Every where I go and everything I do, I am reminded that I no longer have my best friend. I counted on him for everything...
I have two elderly parents who count on me and I counted on my husband to help me with them. Our grandchildren counted on Pa because he was their only Pa...
I could go on and on giving reasons why he shouldn't have died but what good will that do??? It won't bring him back.
I go over and over the same things every day... Why God Why?? What am I going to do now?? I hate this, hate this, hate this and pretty much hate everything...
I am not a material person - never have been. All I ever asked from God was to give me a happy, healthy Christian family.
Right now I don't believe in asking him for anything.. He took away the one thing I needed the most in my life.

 

[pnktulip]

Does getting away from home for a while help?? I wish I could go somewhere and hide from all of this but I know I can't but wondered if getting away would help any??

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Does getting away from home for a while help?? I wish I could go somewhere and hide from all of this but I know I can't but wondered if getting away would help any??

That really depends on you. It helped me at times and at other times I just wanted to lock myself in my room so...anything is worth a try though IMO.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Does getting away from home for a while help?? I wish I could go somewhere and hide from all of this but I know I can't but wondered if getting away would help any??

I tried getting away at first, but I just brought my sorrow along, and wound up spending money I'd rather have now. In my experience, it would have been better to stay close to home and near to Him (God). Traveling when emotionally distraught didn't work for me. However, as time went on and I was more stable, the travel bug hit and I was able to enjoy things more.