Nothing helps with the loss of my husband

[Trdrp]

I know God doesn't want us to feel alone or be alone...yet the loneliness and emptiness is so very hard to endure. When you have lived with and love someone so much for so long and that person can only be reached in a memory or a dream, the only thing to do is trust in the Lord that He knows best. Just the other day I happened to meet the physician who cared for my husband. When he reached out and took my hand and asked me "how are you" it suddenly hit me how much the touch of a hand or a kind word can mean to a grieving person. These small gestures are few and far between as weeks turn into months. I am struggling with the inherent need for caring human companionship and the reality of a lonely world.

 

[sonyeth]

Just a thought about what RogerVW said, Yes the Lord saw the need of Adam for a companion, and so He gave Eve, I know that God knows the joy of Adam for having Eve, and I think God knows also the feeling of separation that occur between them. From the very start the Devil had its way..to destroy the relationship. And even our Lord had its share of separation..when He leaved His father...the heaven for us. And I'm thinking about how painful it is for the Lord that we were separated from HIM. It is comforting to know that God had prepared a more beautiful place for us than this world can offer, this world if full of pains and struggles...I'm starting to think for all of this..it keeps the pain and loneliness lighter. May God gives us understanding intimately. God Bless us all.

 

[sonyeth]

Hello Trdrp....I'm sharing your pains and loneliness. I knew those feelings because everyday those are my companions. When somebody ask me " Are you ok now?", my answer is I'm not and it will takes sometimes, more months or years. And I told my self this people had not yet experience the same way I do. My tears is always ready to burst. That's help me. But I tried to do it alone, with the Lord, I told God to wipe my tears and to be my spouse since He get my spouse already. Lets pour our hearts to God, He knows our longing for our loss spouse. In my bed I ask God to dream of my husband and its third time I saw may Darling, talking to him and hugging me as we usually do. And it gives me smile seeing him even in dreams. God is Good, All the time!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hello Trdrp....I'm sharing your pains and loneliness. I knew those feelings because everyday those are my companions. When somebody ask me " Are you ok now?", my answer is I'm not and it will takes sometimes, more months or years. And I told my self this people had not yet experience the same way I do. My tears is always ready to burst. That's help me. But I tried to do it alone, with the Lord, I told God to wipe my tears and to be my spouse since He get my spouse already. Lets pour our hearts to God, He knows our longing for our loss spouse. In my bed I ask God to dream of my husband and its third time I saw may Darling, talking to him and hugging me as we usually do. And it gives me smile seeing him even in dreams. God is Good, All the time!

I felt sad when you said you try to cry when you are alone. It is sad that we have to go thru all these emotions, but we do have to and the best way to get thru it, IMO, is to just let it flow when you feel the need. You are correct that people that have not been thru it cannot understand, but they can learn from you and will remember when it happens to them.
One of the things that time does, is it gives us a little perspective. We can lean on God and He IS there with us, and we can look forward to seeing our loved ones again.
I cannot still understand WHY it was my husband's appointed time when it was, but I am not to ask WHY. I feel that I have failed miserably since my husband left, but I STILL believe in God and that will never change, and thankfully since I do, He will never leave me or forsake me, no matter how badly I fail.

 

[sonyeth]

Michelle....many times i just want to hide my tears....cause it really really hurts. And I just don't know where those tears will bring me. Or maybe because I just want to be strong for all of this...And the only one that I know will listen and understand me well is God. My friends were far away, my family is also experiencing the same because after a month my spouse died, I also loss my father. The grieving is doubled, loosing the two very important man in my life. I just don't know where to start...I'm holding on to God now.

 

[brandysue]

I so needed to read pnktulip's comments and troubles. I lost my husband if 34 years (he was 56) one month ago. I too am a little angry with God. He was sick and almost died 2 years ago but survived and we celebrated life and God and all our blessings everyday. He was healthy and had more energy than he'd had in over 10 years so got to do so many things that he wanted. Then suddenly a totally different illness took him quickly and unexpectedly. My friends and family kept praying and telling me he would pull through but he didn't. I feel now like pnktulip described. I am trying to keep the faith but it is so hard. Thank you for letting me vent.

 

[pnktulip]

Thank you for your reply and please know how sorry I am for your loss. I wish I had words to help ease your pain but as I have learned there just aren't any.
Each person has to grieve in their own way and in their own time. You do what YOU need to do to get through this. Everyone deals with things differently and don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I had to scream, yell, hit walls, counter tops and cry until I was exhausted and yes many times I yelled and screamed at God. Did it help?....yes in a way because it relieved so many things that I had inside.
I am taking a day at a time and try not to think about tomorrow.
I don't understand why God would take someone away who is loved and needed so much by so many.
My anger toward God is not as intense as the first year but I do still get angry. My memories are everywhere I go and in everything I do and it hurts.
My husband was my life and now all of our hopes, dreams and plans will never be. I am not the same person nor will I ever be but I continue to exist and try to be a good Christian mother and grandmother. Hard? yes but I try to think of my children and I don't want them to suffer because I am.
I continue to pray and hope that one day God will give me peace.

I will say a prayer for you and hope that you will find peace and that God
will ease your pain a little each day. I know that he can do all things.

Prayers and Blessings to you...

 

[Mazvita]

I am so sorry for the loss of your loved one. Yes pnktulp is right it helps a lot when you show exactly how you feel. Just avoid to show in the presence of your children this might hurt them more because they are looking up at you for comfort and support. But if you feel like cry, shout, even taking a walk and talk to God just tell him how you feel. say it out. One thing for sure there is no wound that the Lord will not heal. Keep on praying. Also avoid taking major decisions in this state. I mad that error it was out of pain. I told my self that there is no God how can He let this happen to me. I said i will never marry again and I gave away everything that would remind me of my husband. I got so so angry the only thing I wanted was to die too. But now I feel different I want to get married again, i wish i had kept all those things and my prayer is always asking God to forgive me.

I am praying for you.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I am so sorry for the loss of your loved one. Yes pnktulp is right it helps a lot when you show exactly how you feel. Just avoid to show in the presence of your children this might hurt them more because they are looking up at you for comfort and support. But if you feel like cry, shout, even taking a walk and talk to God just tell him how you feel. say it out. One thing for sure there is no wound that the Lord will not heal. Keep on praying. Also avoid taking major decisions in this state. I mad that error it was out of pain. I told my self that there is no God how can He let this happen to me. I said i will never marry again and I gave away everything that would remind me of my husband. I got so so angry the only thing I wanted was to die too. But now I feel different I want to get married again, i wish i had kept all those things and my prayer is always asking God to forgive me.

I am praying for you.

I disagree about grieving in the presence of the children. They need to know it's OK for them to be sad too. They need to see how you deal with it. Yes you can grieve and still support them in their grief. If they never see you cry they might think they should never cry. And it should also be OK for them to mention the one that died or talk about the good times about them. I still talk about my husband to this day and it's been 8 years. My boys do the same and I think they are better for it. In the beginning I needed to talk about him, and now they need to know it's OK to talk about him too. JMHO

 

[pnktulip]

I haven't been on this site in many months until this week. I was so intensely angry for so many months that I could not read another word of encouragement or someone telling me to turn to God and he would help you.
It's now been 18 months since I lost my husband and I miss him even more than I did. I don't have the outbreaks of anger as often and I don't cry until I am sick every night but the anger and crying are still there. Our life together is everywhere I go and in everything I do and sometimes the pain is unbearable and if I didn't have children and grandchildren, I would beg God to end my life now. I look forward to nothing.... even with loving my children and grandchildren more than anything, the joy and happiness is not there like it was when my husband and I spent time with them. All our hopes, dreams, plans and everything is gone, gone, gone.. Nothing anyone can do about it.
I have always been a woman of faith and prayed earnestly and daily and believing that God would protect my family and bless us with a long and healthy life together. Is that not what he promises in his word if you ask believing??
Ask believing and ye shall receive, the prayer of the righteous availeth much, pray (elders) for the sick and they shall be healed and another one that has just hit me lately which is the only command with promise - honor they mother and father that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.
We did all these and my husband was a good son who did honor his parents. Then I see scum on this earth who never honored their parents and have never done God's will and they live to be 100!!!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND....... If we can't believe in God's promises then we have nothing...
I pray often, attend worship services, study God's word and I am trying to get my faith back as it once was but it's the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I have to make myself do all things.. My sons are wonderful and are strong dedicated Christian men and would help me in anyway but they just can't take the place of my husband and I try to be strong for them as to not bring them down all the time and not wanting them to worry about me.

I lost my beloved pet of 12 years to cancer in February which I didn't expect - because I begged God to let me keep him for a few years more... He was all I had to go home to and did give me some comfort. He died much in the same way as my husband did... Now my dad has dementia and my mother doesn't deal with anything well.

Worse yet, there is NO ONE who can tell me why things like this happen and can't even explain the scriptures of his promises. God is the only one and how I wish he would just tell me..
Life goes on for all those around me and I knew that after so many months, the calls would stop, the care, the concern .... everything.. People expect you to get over it and get on with life and that makes me angry because for me my life ended when I lost my husband. Why can't people understand that??

I do appreciate all the encouragement and kindness from this forum and my heart goes out to all those who are suffering a loss. My prayer is that God will bless each and everyone of you and comfort you in only a way that he can.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I can relate to alot of what you said. People, sadly do expect you to "get over it" and IMO, you can't and you just don't. If we are lucky we learn to deal with it, but life is never going to be the same.
I don't have all the answers either, and honestly, even if I could answer every one of your questions, would it be enough? Would you then be able to go on and say OK I get it? probably not, and that is quite OK.

Even though you don't want it, you have a new life now. The one without your husband and your beloved pet. It sucks, and it hurts, but it is what it is and no words or wishes can change that. So you have choices. You can finish off whatever life you have left on earth being angry and sad, or you can try, little by little to live out the rest of your days so that the people that you love can be inspired by you.

There is a reason things happened this way, but you might never know the reasons this side of heaven.
When my husband died I wished it would have been me instead. He was the one always sharing the gospel with people and keeping busy. God chose to take him and even after 8 years I STILL don't understand it, but I have learned to accept it. I still love and miss him and wish he was here, but he's not and I am, and since I would never take my own life I am here until God says I'm done. Plus I have teenagers and I want to see them finish school, college and hopefully get established in life.
The Bible does not promise us a turmoil free life. It says in this life you will have tribulations John 16:33.

And also our years were established while we were in the womb Psalm 139:16

For me, it helped me to think about my husband and what he would want. Would he want me to cry every day for the rest of my life for him? Or would he want me to somehow, someway, try to move on, not forgetting him, but honoring him and God in that way, and realizing that our days ARE numbered and the people that we love need us and we should try to be the best we can for them if not for ourselves.

The scripture you posted about laying hands on the sick and they shall recover, had me in a twist for awhile, until I realized that God DID heal my husband. In fact, he is in better shape now than when he was here on earth! He just didn't heal him the way I wanted or thought and that would be on earth here and now. But my husband is in eternity with Jesus now, and to be honest, I'm kind of jealous. He is in a MUCH better place.

I know it's hard and you won't find all the answers and I hope I am not coming across as trying to give you some pat answers because I'm not. If I were there with you I would hug you and cry with you!

 

[praised72]

Before my husband passed away I was in Bible class at church and our teacher said something that really stuck with me, more so after he passed. She said "there are two kinds of healing, one is natural where your loved one rebounds, but then there is the supernatural healing, where the Lord takes our loved ones home with Him." That gives me comfort, because I know how my husband suffered and wasted away. I am praying for you. Please, Please don't be angry with God. We all have our appointed time. Even natural healing is temporary. I want you to please read the Psalms. They give us comfort, healing and strength to travel this journey. I am sure that your husband would not want you to feel this way. He wants you to live out your life in peace knowing he is okay and you will see him again. Sometimes even when we can't pray, just cry out "Jesus help me to get through this." Jesus stands on His promises. "God didn't promise day without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain. But He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way."
Be Blessed!