going through divorce, starting life again

[Alphabet1]

Advice? How do I start to meet new people. Because of the seriousness of the situation, I am **over** her.

Background on divorce:

I married my childhood sweetheart. Twenty years ago. We had four kids together. It was extremely rocky at first. She had serious commitment problems, always leaving, scared because I would "go away" (as much sense that makes).

I don't know how many guys she has slept with during that time. At least four. First one, she told me about when we were first involved. It killed me. Then she told me she wanted to keep the relationship platonic because I was "too pure".

We finally got together, had the time of our lives... but took off again. I was asking myself, "who do you love" and couldn't even stomach to look at anyone else.

I tried moving back in. Almost immediately, she went out with a guy friend, came back plastered drunk, and I had to listen to them having sex. I took off after that, it was unbearable.

Finally, decided she was not "the one", and we started dating. I literally caught her naked in bed with another man.

Yet, still I decided to go with her and marry her.


We started over. Had three kids. I thought it was blissful. She claimed she did, too, but complained a lot. Then, the mysterious phone calls, the routine trips, the trips out of town, and her constant wishes to take more trips out of town.

I am not a dumb person. I asked her. She is a very good liar. I made the mistake of trusting her yet again.

I reasoned, "either I can simply trust her, and live in peace, or I will always be wondering".

You have to understand: I am very good looking, successful, charming, and so on. I am not some loser. She genuinely seems to adore me. She is a good actor, but I think that was real.


Anyway, I had to take a job in Chicago, and then I discovered, in fact, she had kept a boyfriend from her past... and that has been what allllll the stress in our marriage about.

I did not videotape it or get a recording of it. I find that beneath me. But I heard it and saw it with my own eyes. I am not interested in a messy divorce, just a "no fault" one.

Restarting my life:


This is a severe situation. I had suspicions for sometime, and it took me awhile to decide, but when I did, it was final and I got her completely out of my heart and mind.

No more.

I have been keeping myself from someone much better all along, obviously, and have to do what is right for me, and ultimately, my kids.

So please no, "oh give it time".


What do people do to start talking to people?

I have only dated one person, so that also concerns me.


Thanks for the help.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Move to a new place if you haven't already.

Get rid of things that would remind you of her.

Start talking to new people.

Let your friends know you are looking to date new people.

Go slow and watch how the people around you are. Have definite boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate. ie If she cheats you never talk to her again. etc...

Take things slow.

 

[Alphabet1]

Move to a new place if you haven't already.


Get rid of things that would remind you of her.


Start talking to new people.

Let your friends know you are looking to date new people.

Go slow and watch how the people around you are. Have definite boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate. ie If she cheats you never talk to her again. etc...

Take things slow.

Thanks, Autumn.

...

Uhm... actually, I totally agree with you.

I have removed everything that reminded me of her. (I actually have no problem with dumping her mentally and in my heart, it is just "that bad" of a situation. One could say... "abominable".)

I am generally taking things slow. In the past, I dated by going to bars. (No one night stands, just I find alcohol helps me get over inhibitions.)


I figure... God put this **fraud** in my life for a good reason (I have yet to fully understand that one)... so God will surely put the **right one** in my life.

 

[LJSGM]

You have kids together, I wouldn't move in that case so that you can share custody.

 

[LJSGM]

I would go to church to find new people, not bars... how many christians go to bars anyways?

 

[Autumnleaf]

I would go to church to find new people, not bars... how many christians go to bars anyways?

This is a decent point. Bars can be a tough place to find a good person to be with. Churches tend to be better for that. You still have to be mindful though. Some of the sickest peple are in the hospitals, said to me by an old man, chemistry professor friend, who was a Pastor's son.

 

[LJSGM]

This is a decent point. Bars can be a tough place to find a good person to be with. Churches tend to be better for that. You still have to be mindful though. Some of the sickest peple are in the hospitals, said to me by an old man, chemistry professor friend, who was a Pastor's son.

true...

 

[DrFrank]

I am appalled by some of the "advice" I have read here.It is nothing less than adultery counseling designed to destroy you.

Mark 10:11-12 (New King James Version)

11 So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. 12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

As you have correctly stated "God will surely put the right one in my life" . RIGHT,HE ALREADY HAS!!

Luke 14:25-27 (New King James Version)

25 Now great multitudes went with Him. And He turned and said to them, 26 “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, WIFE and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. 27 And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple.

TRANSLATION:We must love Jesus so much that we will sacrifice our own lives to serve Him and Him alone.

 

[Alphabet1]

This is a decent point. Bars can be a tough place to find a good person to be with. Churches tend to be better for that. You still have to be mindful though. Some of the sickest peple are in the hospitals, said to me by an old man, chemistry professor friend, who was a Pastor's son.

Son of a preacher man...

I agree bars can be a tough place to find a good person to be with. Churches, I do not want to go to church with some agenda to carouse for someone.

When I go to Church, I like to put that kind of thing out of my mind/head.

Maybe a dating group at a church, but that seems to me kind of formal.


I don't even want to have an agenda, I guess, like, "oh I am here just to meet someone". I like to keep things a lot more open ended then that. Maybe a person is a friend. Maybe it becomes more. Maybe it doesn't. Otherwise, seems forcing it.


... otherwise, liberally using the ignore feature...

 

[LJSGM]

and I suppose you don't like dating services either like match. com...

 

[Alphabet1]

I am appalled by some of the "advice" I have read here.It is nothing less than adultery counseling designed to destroy you.

... etc...

I kept a strong samurai code about such things, taking a very literal view of those passages until one day... I discovered the real meaning behind it all.

I discovered this by what happened to my best friend.

I want you to tell me what your judgment is about his case:

My best friend is a romantic. He met his soul mate as kids. They kept running into each other and when they were old enough married and had a daughter.

In comes a spider...

She worked for his dad. He did not know this. She did not betray him, but it was a confidential job.

He was angry with her and saw he could not control her. So he arranged to try and destroy the marriage.

Why? Because my best friend eventually had a very large inheritance coming up and he wanted his hands on it. He was entrusted as a guardian until that time and saw his time was running short. He was very angry.

Eventually, he broke them up. My bestfriend was deeply, profoundly upset about it. He tried to get back with her, but unbeknowst to him, his guardian kept working hard to keep them apart.

Meanwhile, the guardian had watched the preferences of this man. He saw he truly loved the girl, so he compiled a list of all that she was about. He hired someone and had her live by that list.

She entered his life as a walking, talking fraud. Meanwhile, since he could not have the love of his life, and she had such a horrible sob story he took pity on her and married her after her much insistence.

Then, one day he learns all of this and that she has been sleeping around. Even that was not enough for him to divorce her.

It was only when he discovered the love of his life was aware of all these facts and deeply tormented by it that he decided he could not stand to torment her one more second.

So he divorced her.

And got back with her.

MAN should not separate what GOD joined. Man does this all the time, saying, "God, I will do as I please." It is no coincidence 50% of the population is male, 50% female. People are designed to be hard wired to the spouse God made for them. But because of their evil, this is sabotaged so much the entire world is full of fake marriages, bad divorces, and all the great evil that comes from dividing people who belong together by God.


Likely, this started in the garden of eden with Satan, Lillith, Adam, and Eve.


Hopefully, one day, people will be able... free enough... to be with the one they love forever.


And no longer will marriages be set up by man, but by God.

When two people who belong together are together, all things work for them.

 

[LJSGM]

Very romantic... but not in the bible.

 

[Alphabet1]

and I suppose you don't like dating services either like match. com...

My preferences... my preferences... what are my preferences. Let me think.

Honestly, no offense, but this is a public forum and I am extremely wary about putting out my true preferences.

The reason for this is one time I did this online and some guy from Russia got my private details and stole my identity. He took all my money and went crazy with doing endless scams in my name.

Then, I had this huuuuuge court battle where I actually had to prove I am me, and he is a fraud.

In the end, he went to jail and had to pay back every single penny with interest and institutions.

But, I do not want to go through that again.

I never even got so much as an apology.


He isn't even sorry. In fact, he is just furious he didn't get away with it.

But, we finally got him, wasn't easy, and threw him in there for a very long time.

 

[LJSGM]

My preferences... my preferences... what are my preferences. Let me think.

Honestly, no offense, but this is a public forum and I am extremely wary about putting out my true preferences.

The reason for this is one time I did this online and some guy from Russia got my private details and stole my identity. He took all my money and went crazy with doing endless scams in my name.

Then, I had this huuuuuge court battle where I actually had to prove I am me, and he is a fraud.

In the end, he went to jail and had to pay back every single penny with interest and institutions.

But, I do not want to go through that again.

I never even got so much as an apology.


He isn't even sorry. In fact, he is just furious he didn't get away with it.

But, we finally got him, wasn't easy, and threw him in there for a very long time.

Are you sure he didn't have more then just your preferences? Like a bank account info, or someone getting numbers for him?

 

[Alphabet1]

Very romantic... but not in the bible.

h


Maybe it is, but in code. I really wouldn't be able to say. However, did God reveal all things in the Bible to men? If someone is passing coded messages to a population - in this case all people and angels - do they encode it for a reason other then security? And if they encode it for security, security from who or what?

And if they encode it against an enemy, do they also provide all information?

If they know what conclusions their enemy may derive from it, might they also not encode it in a way so that their enemy would be at a distinct disadvantage when they tried to decipher it according... to their preferences?


This begs the question: Did God know what He was doing when He put Satan in the Garden of Eden with man and woman? Or, if God knows the future, and so knew woman would exist... why on earth did he try and see if any animal would be a suitable helper for him?

Hrrm. Maybe a cow. Or a marmot. Or a dog. Or... a penguin.


No, Adam, none of that works? Okay, then...

Why, on earth, did God, who knows all things put Adam through that?


I think maybe God had something to hide. A big secret.

 

[LJSGM]

h


Maybe it is, but in code. I really wouldn't be able to say. However, did God reveal all things in the Bible to men? If someone is passing coded messages to a population - in this case all people and angels - do they encode it for a reason other then security? And if they encode it for security, security from who or what?

And if they encode it against an enemy, do they also provide all information?

If they know what conclusions their enemy may derive from it, might they also not encode it in a way so that their enemy would be at a distinct disadvantage when they tried to decipher it according... to their preferences?


This begs the question: Did God know what He was doing when He put Satan in the Garden of Eden with man and woman? Or, if God knows the future, and so knew woman would exist... why on earth did he try and see if any animal would be a suitable helper for him?

Hrrm. Maybe a cow. Or a marmot. Or a dog. Or... a penguin.


No, Adam, none of that works? Okay, then...

Why, on earth, did God, who knows all things put Adam through that?


I think maybe God had something to hide. A big secret.

I'm not sure what this has to do with the concept of soul mates....

 

[Alphabet1]

Are you sure he didn't have more then just your preferences? Like a bank account info, or someone getting numbers for him?

Well, the operation is over, so I suppose I can say.

Yes, he had everything. My whole world.

It was actually what one might call a honeypot operation. He was in a trusted position and given a lot of knowledge, power and authority. He abused it to the hilt so he could gain control of everything.

So, I talked to some cops, and they said, "We can't get him for that. It is too late. The deed is done. But, why don't we set up a honeypot operation and see if he can resist the temptation." So they did that. It took a lot of time, and as I said, he stole my identity, my bank account, everything...

So, in a sense, it wasn't so cut and dry as just some guy from Russia stealing my identity and running around crazy writing checks in my name and committing crimes in my name.

But I still had to go through all of the pain of that as if it was not set up from the beginning.

Anyway, all said and done, I am celebrating. A lot.

It hurt really, really bad at the time... but, now he is in jail, there is a lot to laugh about.

I expect to be laughing about it for a very long time.


The good news is he actually built up a lot of assets I now have complete control over.

So there is a hollywood ending afterall.

 

[Alphabet1]

I'm not sure what this has to do with the concept of soul mates....

I know. It is very difficult to decipher.

Sleeping with someone opens up their heart into yours. It is like hacking a box. It gives them influence. If they are smarter then the person they sleep with, then they can influence that person.

Likewise, if someone is a child of someone, they have a deep connection to their parents. Some just say it is "in the blood" or simply "genetics". Others say it is deeper then that.


I think, on animals, and looking for a helper... that God must have gone through that rigmarole for some good reason. Probably has something to do with that.

What woman would compare herself to an animal? I mean, literally, not metaphorically?

Is that not an outrage to literally have a woman be compared or in any way equivalent to an animal? I think so.

So, I think God put Adam through a game while Satan was watching.


Knowing all along, of course, that... no animal is a suitable helper for him. That is patently absurd. A woman is a man's equal, even if she is his helper.


The flesh interprets things one way. The spiritual, another way.

 

[LJSGM]

I know. It is very difficult to decipher.

Sleeping with someone opens up their heart into yours. It is like hacking a box. It gives them influence. If they are smarter then the person they sleep with, then they can influence that person.

Likewise, if someone is a child of someone, they have a deep connection to their parents. Some just say it is "in the blood" or simply "genetics". Others say it is deeper then that.


I think, on animals, and looking for a helper... that God must have gone through that rigmarole for some good reason. Probably has something to do with that.

What woman would compare herself to an animal? I mean, literally, not metaphorically?

Is that not an outrage to literally have a woman be compared or in any way equivalent to an animal? I think so.

So, I think God put Adam through a game while Satan was watching.


Knowing all along, of course, that... no animal is a suitable helper for him. That is patently absurd. A woman is a man's equal, even if she is his helper.


The flesh interprets things one way. The spiritual, another way.

Still don't know what this has to do with soul mates... but I'm glad that I can help you with practicing your dramatic writing skills

 

[Alphabet1]

Still don't know what this has to do with soul mates... but I'm glad that I can help you with practicing your dramatic writing skills

Oh. You think my drama needs some practice.

I better work on it.

Lol...

I thought it was melodramatic enough... lol... guess I was wrong...