Dating after widowhood

[ThyLovingkindness]

We have a 10 month old kitten/cat that has been great therapy for our family. We have figured out that he is tri-ligual....he meows (cat), he barks (short sharp meows that resemble the sound our dog makes when he wants to be let back in the house), and he meows whole paragraphs (we think he is mimicking the way we talk). My daughter thinks she heard him meow "mom" the other day...which is completely possible since my kids do tend to yell that a lot.

Soooo adorable... God created such amazing creatures, didn't He? Thank you Father!

 

[LeaningOnChrist]

I was 43 when my husband died. It was a sad realization that I might easily have enough life left to spend more time with a new man than I got to spend with my husband...and we had 16 years of marriage (along with 24 years of friendship).

Greetings blackribbon

Indeed longevity provides so many different things to cherish. Friendship is of great value within a Marriage Covenant as well. Sad realizations on the other hand are one of my least favorite so called insights.

I do not pretend to like this whole process of dealing with grief and having everything that my beloved wife and I worked for years to build with one another to be gone in a moment without notice.

As you so aptly stated "How do you go from everything to nothing?"

In my prayer time this morning I was reminded of the following verses:

Hebrews 11:13-16

13 These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.

14 For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.

15 If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return.

16 But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

Take good care of you today, aye! Yes I am preaching to the choir.

In HIS redeeming Love…

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Prettier?...Bwahahahah

Did you miss the fact that I am the mother and solo parent of two teenagers?

So THAT'S what you look like! LOL Thanks for sharing!

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Awww...

 

[Catherineanne]

I've been contemplating the idea of dating again. (Only thinking stage). I'm not sure that I even would know how to do a close "relationship" without sex or touch. This isn't like when I was a kid was "saving myself". There was an obvious purpose then. Now, I can't even imagine a "relationship" without the physical aspect after a certain amount of time ... to me that sounds like a platonic friendship...and I'd never want to marry a platonic friend. If I were childless, then it seems like that 'point' might be the point to discuss marriage...however, with kids living under the same roof, I would need to invest a LONG amount of time to make sure that this was also a good decision for them, too.

Maybe this is why I'm still alone. God has still has some work to do on me. I wish the Bible had more to say about this. How do you go from everything to nothing?

I have been a widow for just over a year, but I do not intend ever to marry again. My former husband and I separated some years ago, but I have never dated anyone while he was alive, and I don't intend to start now. I do not see how I could fit into another relationship with anyone new, and I do not know anyone who could be a possible future husband for me, or father to my daughter. I think, barring a miracle and God's direct intervention to show me an alternative, it will not happen. I think the Lord honours my decision to remain faithful to my marriage vows, however imperfect the marriage proved to be. At some point I may quietly make a new vow to him; to remain a widow. That seems more than possible.

The answer is found in sublimation; use your energy to serve your family and friends, and your church. In that way we go from everything to everything, and nothing is lost.

 

[blackribbon]

I honored my vows ... til death do us part is part of those same vows. I still have love to give. I honor my husband by sharing the part of me that he helped bring back to life. I can get married again, but I will never stop being a widow...that is always a part of who I am the same as being married to him will always be a part of me too.

Part of the 'everything' that I lost was 'being loved as is' and having someone human care for me. That part of my life is can not be replaced by serving others.

I only have control of how I live my own life and I do choose to serve others with it. However, it still feels as empty as the bed I now crawl into each night. (I do not think I believe in the premise of sublimation either.) In my life and my children's life here on earth, much was lost. There is nothing I can do that changes that...even if God did give us another man to love, much was still lost.

 

[LeaningOnChrist]

A few thoughts---The emptiness that we feel when our beloved spouse dies is unable to be mended by social activities. The love bond shared is unique and will never be duplicated. I do not intend to ever remarry now that my beloved wife has passed on to be with the Lord Jesus in Heaven. I find this a personal choice. I understand how some people are able to remarry. I will remain an observer in that respect. However I surely do not fault anyone for remarrying. The Word of God allows for this in the Marriage Chapter found in 1Corinthins Chapter7. The Lord has a different plan for each and everyone of HIS children. I keep my eyes on Jesus and my servant-hood to HIM and the blessed Hope for the day when I step into Heaven and that glorious reunion finally arrives.

In HIS redeeming Love...

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

For a time I thought I would never remarry, then I considered it, but I still really don't know. I still have great love for my husband and nothing will ever change that, so IF I was to be with someone new, they would have to be OK with that and not be jealous. Some days I have thought that only a widower would understand someone like me. In any event, I think I would only consider being in a relationship if a man came into my life that I could be attracted to, that would really pursue me. I could not be in a relationship where I felt I had more feelings than the other person, and I did feel that with my husband. I always felt like I loved him more than he loved me. So IF there was someone to come into my life, they would kind of really have to prove their love for me. And I really don't know what God has in store for me or how soon He will be returning. I would like some companionship, but I'm not sure if I have the energy or desire that it would take to build another relationship. And if no one comes, I'm OK with that too. I'm still raising my teenagers so right now my life is not my priority.

 

[Catherineanne]

I honored my vows ... til death do us part is part of those same vows. I still have love to give. I honor my husband by sharing the part of me that he helped bring back to life. I can get married again, but I will never stop being a widow...that is always a part of who I am the same as being married to him will always be a part of me too.

A widow is a woman whose husband has died, and who has not remarried. I am afraid if you or I remarry then we are no longer widows.

Like you, I will never stop being a widow, but that is because I will not remarry.

Part of the 'everything' that I lost was 'being loved as is' and having someone human care for me. That part of my life is can not be replaced by serving others.

I agree with this; we have to let go of the simple care that brings us a cup of tea, or cleans the car for us, or notices when we are unwell. But sometimes friends can do some of these things, if we let them.

I only have control of how I live my own life and I do choose to serve others with it. However, it still feels as empty as the bed I now crawl into each night. (I do not think I believe in the premise of sublimation either.) In my life and my children's life here on earth, much was lost. There is nothing I can do that changes that...even if God did give us another man to love, much was still lost.

Sublimation is not a premise. It is a fact. We sublimate the love we still feel for our former spouse, and offer it to the world instead, in other ways; service to our children, to our church and to the world in general.

Love is wasted if we sit at home thinking of the one who is gone. If we pour out that love on those around us instead then that is the very best thing we can do, imo.

My d and I lost a great deal when she lost her father. Nothing can change any of that, but we can change how we use that loss, and whether it ultimately becomes a blessing to those around us, or causes them to cross the road and walk the other way when they see us coming.

 

[blackribbon]

Legally, if I marry, I will no longer be a widow...however, I will always be a woman who lost her husband to death. To tell me that I'm no longer a widow is no different than telling a mother who lost her only child to death that she is no longer a mother. Sorry, but our hearts will always know differently.

As far as the word sublimation is concerned....the physical definition is a fact. However, the psychological definition of this word is theory...and a theory I don't agree with. The premise of sublimation means that it transfers from one state to another and this presupposes that there is a minimum and a maximum...(as in when solids change to liquids to gases...the actual quantity of chemical components doesn't change). The love I have for my husband will always belong to him...even if I love another and marry again. And by choosing not to marry, my love for him doesn't get transferred to another place or another person or even to a higher state of love...it is his alone and will never dissipate and I don't expect it to change. Luckily God provide an infinite quantity of love ... and that more we use, the more we have to give.

 

[Rememberme]

I have only been widowed for almost nine months,so naturally I can't even imagine someone in the picture. I think my story will be I have been loved on earth and leave it at that.I do hope the Lord returns soon though.I do know he is not willing that any shall perish, so.... who knows.I don't like walking around with a big hole in my heart.

LeaningonChrist your signature verse struck me.I was reading in Romans today and this verse ministered to me in a great way.Bless the Lord.

 

[LeaningOnChrist]

I have only been widowed for almost nine months,so naturally I can't even imagine someone in the picture. I think my story will be I have been loved on earth and leave it at that.I do hope the Lord returns soon though.I do know he is not willing that any shall perish, so.... who knows.I don't like walking around with a big hole in my heart.

LeaningonChrist your signature verse struck me.I was reading in Romans today and this verse ministered to me in a great way.Bless the Lord.

:::OFF Topic Reply:::
I agree Rememberme! For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39 KJV)
This verse is close to my heart these days, specifically since my beloved wife suddenly and unexpectedly passed on to be with the Lord Jesus in Heaven. Praise God for HIS Word! ....

In HIS unfailing Love...

 

[celticnot]

I am finding dating since widownhood complicated by many things - all of them internal. My marriage to my husband was a difficult one. He had issues with anger and control, but I made a vow to stay "in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad" so I stayed through his emotional abuse and nursed him 24 hours a day for 9 weeks - from the day he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer until the day he died. In some ways, his death was a relief, but it is still a deep, deep loss.
I knew a nice Catholic man for a while and only 2 months after my husband died, we started dating. He has never been married. I have been used to having someone in my life 24/7 - waking up and falling asleep next to the man I love. I have b een with my boyfriend for 7 months. To him it's a drop in the bucket, to me - time to move closer. I miss the closeness of a marriage and am often plagued by the anxiety that I have to leave my BF and return home. We can't see each other often due to work and my children. I can say when I'm with him, I feel peace. But I lost all my friends to marry my husband - moved away for him. Now I have no one else and I feel my need to have my BF in my life will suffocate him. I just need some friends to talk with. It would be great if I could find some locals. I could really use some health with childcare so I can take care of ME. Thaty has been the most difficult. Lonliness is unbearable at times.

 

[RogerVW]

I know I have only been alone a short while, 2 months, and I know it is way to soon to consider dating (wouldn't want to "inflict" myself and my sorrows on anyone at this point) BUT I can't say I haven't thought about it..heck my beloved and I had that converstion. She started to give me a list of those she didn't want me to date ..then finally handed me the phone book and said "anyone in here"..yeah I did love her sense of humor!
I cannot express the peace I felt when I decided to turn the issue of dating over to the Lord. He brought my beloved and I together, for which I am so grateful, and now, if it's His will and in His time, He will (or won't) bring another Christian woman into my life. I hope I can bear the lonliness.
I know that there is an infinite amount of love to give in each of us. I was reminded of when my kids were born and the overwhelming love I felt when my daughter was born..it was overpowering and instant. I was afraid when my son was coming two years I couldn't love him like my daughter but that same instant overwhelming feeling of love was there. Isn't God amazing?

 

[blackribbon]

Celticnot:

Be careful because I think we often are more in love with "being married" and try to replace that at whatever cost. Being alone just hurts too much. Add it that you are used to "making it work"...and look very carefully at your relationship...that it is really good for you. Also, as long as it has seems, 7 months isn't that long when it comes to getting to know someone that you are considering spending your life with. I'd also be a bit careful with your heart because he is holding back. That said, only you know if this is "right" for you.

You don't say how old your kids are...but have you gotten them (and yourself) any grief counseling? If not, I'd suggest that you look into this. Google : "children's grief groups" and the closest big city and see what you come up with. I like the groups for the kids because there is healing in being around someone else your age that has experienced the same lose of a parent. A group like this might also be able to help you find help in jump starting the rest of your life...finding ways to connect to the world around you separate from your BF. A this short time since your husband has died, it will be hard and you might have to go through the motions for a while before you actually start to feel like you are connecting anywhere. This is about the grief and not about the quality of the activities or the people involved. Dig deep and try to start figure out who you are now...and that is who you are separate from your husband and who you are separate from you BF.

((hugs))

 

[celticnot]

Blackribbon-

I've had some of those very thoughts myself.

However, just because I want to move forward (like living together or more) and my boyfriend isn't ready for that, I disagree that he's holding back.

My boys are 11 and 6 and received grief counseling through the hospice that provided care for my husband. They also received counseling at school (their school counselor is a local grief cousnelor). I am also seeing a therapist.

I spent most of my childhood alone, as my older sister died when I was only 4. When I went away to college, there was always someone around to talk to. I much prefer that. Everyone keeps telling me I have to learn to be alone. I don't like being alone, but it doesn't paralyze me. When my husband cheated on me, I loved alone for 6 months - my choice. I just spent 2 weeks on a European vacation - alone (except I did meet up with a cousin while there). I can do it, I want to have me time, I just can't seem to logistically get my hands on it.

Finding evening child care has proven difficult, unreliable and expensive. Finding someone to care overnight for my children is even more difficult. And it's a double-whammy - I have to pay to go out and socialize (dinner, movies, etc) and then pay a sitter (usually at least twice whatI just paid to go out).

That's why I'm here actually, to meet people who may live near me. If we can grow a friendship, perhaps it can be mutually beneficial to us.

Donna

 

[blackribbon]

I am not and will never tell someone on this journey what is right or wrong about how they should or should not be living. It sounds like you are doing things right to me though.

I did date relatively early and it ended a little more than a year later...not my choice. And although I was emotionally strong enough to let someone new in my life, I was not strong for more loss and it was very hard on me.

Mine were 10 & 12 so I get the logistics thing. Personnally I hate being alone. My husband was my best friend and I don't tend toward big crowds. In fact my better friends now are people I met through a young widow forum...some I'll probably never meet but a couple I actually do things with occassionally. However, even with kids now old enough to be left alone for longer periods of time, I don't get a lot of "me" time because I am doing the job of two. I figure that it won't be that long before I have too much "me" time. I also value this time because for the first year...maybe year and half after Billy died, I really had a hard time connecting with the kids. My butt was in the bleachers or at the activity but my heart was MIA.

I'd love to find someone again, but right now, God seems to be molding me into the person I am now...and I'm trying to get to know that person a little bit better.

 

[If Not For Grace]

I am not and will never tell someone on this journey what is right or wrong about how they should or should not be living

Me either, but I would like to share.

I was married to my soulmate for 16 yrs. He died at age 47 after a battle with colon cancer. I knew before he died, I would likely marry again. Why wouldn't I, I was young (still in my 30's) I enjoyed having a partner, being part of a family and still had alot to give someone. Of course I had to take time to grieve, I went through a really bad period-I wanted to crawl inside the grave with him when he died and boy did I dread dating again-the whole idea was just spit because I knew the game had changed since I had done it, but I knew i did not want to be a 'widow" for the rest of my life at 35.

I did begin to date and found it was much like before. The idea is finding a companion, someone who shares your interests, enchances your life and is just diverse enough to help you grow and it was fun for the most part. I had well meaning friends who tried to set me up with some gents who were just totally not for me, in fact one or two were just plain awful. But the experience helped me own who I was, helped give me back my own individual idenity which was a good thing.

So I met a guy, got married and we were together less than 5 yrs when He drops dead from a heart attack. I decided I was through with marriage, why not? I was financially stable, now in my 40's,Set in my ways, firm in my beliefs past childbearing, (or at least wanting any ) and besides i felt cheated..bitter..I was supposed to grow old with someone--everyone seemed to be dying. I was loosing friends, friends were loosing parents some even children. I went to so many funerals in the 90's I thought I could probably preach one. I had male friends and we did things (attended events) together just like w/females only they helped me fix things that were broken and lent me their pick-up trucks when I needed them-what more did I need - nothing as far as I was concerned.

BUT remember my friends...they were not satisfied with my life and STILL over my objections tried to pair me off with their picks. ( Oh yeah ) My cries of I don't want to meet anyone new fell on deaf ears..then my BF fell in love and was making me sick with all her giddy teenage ooy gooey tales of Mr. Perfect...She infact tells me she has met the perfect man for her AND for me as well (one of his buddies) ..Do what, i say..Thanks but no thanks...She would not take no for an answer. Just meet him..She even gave him my number. I tried being nice..Lucklily the 1st time we were to go out I got sick with the flu..(got out of it) next Time I just plain forgot (stood him up, ok I did it) Then finally to SHUT THIS WOMAN up I went to a bar-b-q with her & Mr Perfect to this guys house down on the river...That was 2003--we married in 2004. (Still married )

It's kinda like having children, you love them all-but yet each one is different. You have different phases in your life. With the first one (he was older than me) He helped raise me, taught me, I shared my youth with him and truly we were soulmates. We had differences-i got saved during that time-he did not share my religious beliefs but he gave me as much love as I have ever known. I still miss him.

The second one was an adventure-we traveled. He worked for Chevron on off shore wells, and we followed the oil field from Texas (he was from Louisana) to all over the South. He was loads of fun and "trouble" at the same time-a true roughneck if ever there was one. This one taught me things I hope some of you never have to learn.

The one I got now is a good old boy-Farmer who has the eyes and heart of Jesus. He is the only person I have ever known that has truly been mistreated by loads of people (including his own Mother) and NEVER holds a grudge. Will do anything for anybody.He has taught me about giving and forgiving. AND YES he has suffered some health problems recently, like another poster mentioned above-I knew IF I married again It would likely involve some caregiving. Well shouldn't it? If you marry for life and live to be old..i mean were you not willing to do caregiving the first go round. I'm not as young and peppy as i once was either, but we were both going to decline if we lived long enough whether together or alone..and together is better. I guess that's the long story short right there....

I think God leaves it to us to choose--I don't think it matters to Him whether we re-marry or not as long as we are content and in good relationship with Him. He will bring people in your path, but Love is a decision followed by committment and the decision is yours. If you want it go for it..Free yourself from guilt (there is no sin, you kept your vows) If you were just not cut out for marriage..Hey Paul was on that boat..No problem- just follow your heart, but TAKE your brain with you. Do not make a decision based on sex, or lonlieness -you are old enough now to marry for the "right" reasons or to be single and fullfilled. May you choose the best path.

Grace

 

[robertadico]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]In the end, dating after divorce or widowhood is like any other life event – it is about embracing the challenge and having fun!!
[/FONT]

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]In the end, dating after divorce or widowhood is like any other life event – it is about embracing the challenge and having fun!! [/FONT]

disagree