Dating after widowhood

[blackribbon]

I've been contemplating the idea of dating again. (Only thinking stage). I'm not sure that I even would know how to do a close "relationship" without sex or touch. This isn't like when I was a kid was "saving myself". There was an obvious purpose then. Now, I can't even imagine a "relationship" without the physical aspect after a certain amount of time ... to me that sounds like a platonic friendship...and I'd never want to marry a platonic friend. If I were childless, then it seems like that 'point' might be the point to discuss marriage...however, with kids living under the same roof, I would need to invest a LONG amount of time to make sure that this was also a good decision for them, too.

Maybe this is why I'm still alone. God has still has some work to do on me. I wish the Bible had more to say about this. How do you go from everything to nothing?

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Hi blackribbon, I've thought about dating too. Yesterday I chatted with a nice man at the pool. He looked kind of classy, and he actually came over and complimented my swimming style. He also said that his daughter is going to do a swim marathon in the near future. He just seemed nice, then he went on his way. I thought to myself, "I wish I could have chatted with him more." The thing is, I have no idea whether he's a Christian or not, and at the time, it wasn't my first consideration. In other words, I have to be careful not to act on loneliness.

It's difficult right now for me to be a Christian and a widow. Celibacy is truly starting to be a drag, and this tells me that perhaps I should marry again. I mean, I'm afraid to go out and have random interludes with men in order to find the right one. What to do... what to do?



I'll get through this!

 

[LeaningOnChrist]

I've been contemplating the idea of dating again. (Only thinking stage). I'm not sure that I even would know how to do a close "relationship" without sex or touch. This isn't like when I was a kid was "saving myself". There was an obvious purpose then. Now, I can't even imagine a "relationship" without the physical aspect after a certain amount of time ... to me that sounds like a platonic friendship...and I'd never want to marry a platonic friend. If I were childless, then it seems like that 'point' might be the point to discuss marriage...however, with kids living under the same roof, I would need to invest a LONG amount of time to make sure that this was also a good decision for them, too.

Maybe this is why I'm still alone. God has still has some work to do on me. I wish the Bible had more to say about this. How do you go from everything to nothing?

Greetings blackribbon:

When I married my wife I did so forever. My heart told me, as did hers, that she and I would be together forever. I know that eternity is forever. So without a doubt she and I will praise the Lord Jesus forever when we are both in Heaven.

Then there is Earth. I was and remain on various levels, rather shocked to have NO contact with my wife. I am an attentive man and enjoyed sharing touch and affection with her. She and I were a match made in Heaven indeed. We could never get enough of one another on any level. This is very difficult to come to terms with. I understand your thoughts. I also understand that when couples have a family the entire family unit requires sober-minded consideration prior to making any decision, especially when contemplating venturing out into the dating realm.

You raised a good question in terms of how to go from everything to nothing?

I am of the thought that I will continue to venture through this world one step at a time and remember my relationship with the Lord Jesus has NOT changed at all. My marriage has drastically change in a way that I never desired to have it change!

Also I realized that I am not the type of man that cares to hibernate and not relate. Still I remain in love with my beloved wife. I loved being married to my beloved wife. Indeed there are so many variables one must consider prior to making a decision that is layered with so many things to consider, especially when those of us have loved and been loved and now are without our beloved spouse. And more importantly have the best welfare of children to consider.

For myself, I cannot wrap my mind around the whole dating concept. For myself I would venture to say that it is best to make choices that are made from a place that are devoid of any left over emotional familiar remnants that are more than likely from a time that shall never be recreated with my beloved being with the Lord Jesus. Focusing on my relationship with Jesus soothes what NO human touch could ever in a million years.

So, you asked..."How do you go from everything to nothing?"

I would venture to say after careful consideration and much prayerful time of seeking guidance, and then trust with your whole heart, soul and mind what the Holy Spirit has to say about the matter. IMO of course, but then I'm totally consumed with this love in my heart for my beloved wife who is with the Lord Jesus in Heaven. Nothing new here, always have been and I more than likely will continue loving her with my all even until I step out of this world into Heaven in the presence of the Lord to find that indeed our love bond is as I always knew...eternal!

In HIS redeeming Love...

 

[blackribbon]

I have dated...it has nothing to do with continuing to love my husband. I still love my hubby with my whole heart. However, I found I can love another at the same time. The man was a widower and our lives had many similarities and parallels. I think I expected to eventually marry this man...however, he made other choices and went a different direction.

I made some decisions within that relationship that others might not agree with but even now, I don't feel 'condemned' from God for making them. An interesting pair of verses jumped out at me after my husband's death. 1 Cor 6:12 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything and 1 Cor 10:23 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. I do not believe that the fuzzy lines that were in our relationship condemned me or even weighed into the way the relationship went...however, they did cause me to hurt more because I was more emotionally tied into that relationship.

Now that I am alone, I am trying to wrap my mind around how I will approach any other relationships that I choose to enter in. I wish could find more information on this topic. Our situation is not the same as a virgin who has never married...or even a divorced person. I don't think it is quite as black and white as some people seem to believe. "No sex" is obviously the "best" choice where one uses that their time and energy to be devoted completely to Christ...however, God designed us to be part of a pair and I miss that.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Hi, this scripture's good,

"But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn." 1 Corinthians 7:9

It just dawned on me the other day that the answer to my dilemma is to marry. And yet, I realize my options are narrowed for a couple of different reasons, mainly because I'm a Christian and I'm not to be unequally yoked. While I'm grateful for the Word of God because inherent in that is a guidebook to how I should conduct myself, right now being single is a struggle. I pray to overcome any temptation, and that I recognize the importance of the Lord's will over that toward which my flesh is inclined.

 

[blackribbon]

I haven't found that finding a Christian man is that big of a limiting factor....there are plenty of Christian men in our society.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

I haven't found that finding a Christian man is that big of a limiting factor....there are plenty of Christian men in our society.

Oh! Maybe you can give me some pointers on where to go to meet some of these men? Kidding!!

Of course, you have the advantage of being 13 years' younger than myself... I was prettier when I was your age... I'm thinking that my recourse is going online to meet someone, which in my opinion is risky business. I need to keep going that route in prayer!

 

[blackribbon]

Prettier?...Bwahahahah

Did you miss the fact that I am the mother and solo parent of two teenagers?

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Prettier?...Bwahahahah

Did you miss the fact that I am the mother and solo parent of two teenagers?

Hahahahaha...

 

[blackribbon]

Oh! Maybe you can give me some pointers on where to go to meet some of these men? Kidding!!

Of course, you have the advantage of being 13 years' younger than myself... I was prettier when I was your age... I'm thinking that my recourse is going online to meet someone, which in my opinion is risky business. I need to keep going that route in prayer!

I find them when living real life. Do you do you have a senior activity center in your area? There are some awesome classes and activities scheduled in our area...if I ever get some free time, I may "crash" a few of these events. And yes, these aren't all Christian...but I suspect that these kind of activities tends to attract single people with higher standards. And the plus side is that you already have a common interest or else you wouldn't both be at the same activity.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

I find them when living real life. Do you do you have a senior activity center in your area? There are some awesome classes and activities scheduled in our area...if I ever get some free time, I may "crash" a few of these events. And yes, these aren't all Christian...but I suspect that these kind of activities tends to attract single people with higher standards. And the plus side is that you already have a common interest or else you wouldn't both be at the same activity.

You know blackribbon, I live in a senior community, and have met a couple of men here. But what I noticed is that the single women, be they divorced, widowed, etc., outweigh the men by about 5 to 1. And yeah, ideally, I'd like a Christian man to share life with, pray and Bible study with, attend church with, etc. I know that's God's will for me, but I wonder if it's feasible? It seems the other option is remaining single. Just keep me in prayer that I make healthy choices!

Here's a pretty kitty for ya hehehehe...

 

[blackribbon]

Yes, we do out number the men. I might suggest that you look for senior activities offered through the community and not the place where you live. But again, the women will out number the men.

I will be praying for you. The other hard thing about finding someone new at an older age is that we don't get to bond the same way you do as young couples...we are more set in our ways and less likely to try new things that end of tying couples together. This can make it difficult when one person gets ill (which is a higher risk at our age). As crass as this sounds, I won't marry until I find a man that I can lovingly wipe his butt someday and trust enough to allow him to wipe mine. That is real love.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Yes, we do out number the men. I might suggest that you look for senior activities offered through the community and not the place where you live. But again, the women will out number the men.

I will be praying for you. The other hard thing about finding someone new at an older age is that we don't get to bond the same way you do as young couples...we are more set in our ways and less likely to try new things that end of tying couples together. This can make it difficult when one person gets ill (which is a higher risk at our age). As crass as this sounds, I won't marry until I find a man that I can lovingly wipe his butt someday and trust enough to allow him to wipe mine. That is real love.

Hi blackribbon, I'm indulging myself here today, as I'm awaiting an arrival of furniture between 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. Plus, it's been awhile since I've frequented this forum, and am happy to contribute... if you don't mind!

Yes, that's something I've thought about. That at my age I may wind up with someone who has health issues. I realize that if I do settle down with another man, I will likely have to care for him again. These are all things I must considerately leave to prayer.

But I was telling my sister on the phone yesterday and as I mentioned to you, scripture dictates that in my current condition I should marry again. And to use similarly rugged words... it's time to kick widowhood in the butt! I'm tired of this, and ready to move on, sister!! Lord help me, in Jesus' name, Amen.

 

[LeaningOnChrist]

I have dated...it has nothing to do with continuing to love my husband. I still love my hubby with my whole heart. However, I found I can love another at the same time. The man was a widower and our lives had many similarities and parallels. I think I expected to eventually marry this man...however, he made other choices and went a different direction.

I made some decisions within that relationship that others might not agree with but even now, I don't feel 'condemned' from God for making them. An interesting pair of verses jumped out at me after my husband's death. 1 Cor 6:12 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything and 1 Cor 10:23 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. I do not believe that the fuzzy lines that were in our relationship condemned me or even weighed into the way the relationship went...however, they did cause me to hurt more because I was more emotionally tied into that relationship.
Now that I am alone, I am trying to wrap my mind around how I will approach any other relationships that I choose to enter in. I wish could find more information on this topic. Our situation is not the same as a virgin who has never married...or even a divorced person. I don't think it is quite as black and white as some people seem to believe. "No sex" is obviously the "best" choice where one uses that their time and energy to be devoted completely to Christ...however, God designed us to be part of a pair and I miss that.

Greetings blackribbon:

I fully agree that the Marriage Chapter found in 1Corinthians Chapter7 is always a great place to refer to in the Word of God when considering matters of marriage, divorce and widowhood. Obviously I nor no one else hold answers for anyone in any topic, including this topic.

The Word of God contains an answer for everything that anyone seeking guidance in the matters of living on this earth as a Christian. Undoubtedly not everyone is suited for singleness nor celibacy, marriage or remarriage. I miss being married to my beloved wife but do not necessarily think I would marry again.

When the good Lord gave me my beloved wife I knew she was the ONE and only woman I would be married to in this lifetime on earth. I also knew our bond of love would forever remain eternal. This was a mutual understanding and willingly shared between she and I. But then I am not every man nor was my beloved wife every woman. Nor was our marriage covenant every other marriage covenant between every other couple.

Thank you for the subject it has generated thoughts for me to consider that I do appreciate contemplating. Clarity is always good for me to embrace, regardless of the subject.

In HIS redeeming Love...

 

[blackribbon]

I was 43 when my husband died. It was a sad realization that I might easily have enough life left to spend more time with a new man than I got to spend with my husband...and we had 16 years of marriage (along with 24 years of friendship).

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

I was 43 when my husband died. It was a sad realization that I might easily have enough life left to spend more time with a new man than I got to spend with my husband...and we had 16 years of marriage (along with 24 years of friendship).

Hi, you were married a long time! 24 years of friendship is special too.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Another kitty... I don't know about you, but cats cheer me up!

 

[blackribbon]

We have a 10 month old kitten/cat that has been great therapy for our family. We have figured out that he is tri-ligual....he meows (cat), he barks (short sharp meows that resemble the sound our dog makes when he wants to be let back in the house), and he meows whole paragraphs (we think he is mimicking the way we talk). My daughter thinks she heard him meow "mom" the other day...which is completely possible since my kids do tend to yell that a lot.

 

[blackribbon]

I also think cats (and dogs) can see through the veil that is death. Anyone ever see a kitten rolling across the floor chasing something that we can't see?...it looks like they are playing this the hem of a long robe.

My cat also spends a lot of time staring at the ceiling in my room...just one corner and he appears to be chasing something with his eyes that I can't see.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

I also think cats (and dogs) can see through the veil that is death. Anyone ever see a kitten rolling across the floor chasing something that we can't see?...it looks like they are playing this the hem of a long robe.

My cat also spends a lot of time staring at the ceiling in my room...just one corner and he appears to be chasing something with his eyes that I can't see.

Aww, that is so cute! Maybe your kitty's chasing a spider when he stares at that corner?