your thoughts?????????

[sherwood]

I have been married for 12 years and my wife and I have two young children. I am very frustrated becasue my wife has a lack of any desire for intimacy. When we were first married (and even before marriage & being saved) my wife initiated intimacy all the time in unique positions, places, etc..But over the course of the last four or five years she has no enthusiasm for sex and has made comments that, "marriages evolve over time and intimacy isnt very important any longer" and "I dont feel very sexual." She is usually willing to be intimate becasue she knows it is wrong to deny your spouse from the biblical sense, but acts as though she is repulsed by the whole thing. I feel like I am raping her rather than making love with my wife. She recently read the Rekindling the Romance Book and I noticed some real changes for a week or so, but things quickly returned to normal.

I dont view porn and dont feel mastrubation is right (just my opinion) in the eyes of God. For me, intimacy is very important and I cant go out into the world without having sex and sexual images thrown in my face. Meanwhile my wife would rather work, spend hours and hours at church, or time with the kids or even watching TV than time with me. I am very frustrated and it is easy to see how men can stray. I have tried the little "date nite" things of getting the babysitter and going out, flowers, etc...so that stuff aint gonna work.

I feel like I have been swindled into a marraige in whcih I thought I had a loving partner that was attracted to me and loved me as much as I loved her. I will never divorce and I do love her, but I am very frustrated.

Any thoughts?

 

[GirlieGirl]

I'm sorry Sherwood. I don't have advice but I hope this improves. And it's a good thing for all of us other wives to read so that we don't let this destructive pattern settle into our own minds.

 

[alaskamolly]

Does she know the extent that this hurts you (and causes you to deal with temptations)?


Is she on any sort of medication (the Pill, depression drugs, etc)? Those all are well-known for interfering with sexual drive.


The other "practical" thing that interferes with sexual drive is various vitamin deficiencies, which crop up in the later 30's (usually as a result of our vitamin deficient modern diet). When the liver is overloaded with toxins, sexual drive goes on a major LOW--and an overloaded liver is a normal reaction to our typical junky diet. Same with vitamin/mineral deficiencies, which are rampant across the US.

A good whole-food vitamin can do wonders (they are more expensive than, say, Centrum, and yet your body can actually ABSORB them, as opposed to just urinating them right on out). A good naturapathic doc would be somebody worth consulting about those sorts of matters and would probably be able to get to the root of the problem (a "normal" doc isn't going to have much of a clue--they're not trained in such things).

Sexual drive requires hormones to be exactly on balance with one another, and our modern diets wreak havoc on that balance. So a good naturapath will be able to find out just what her problem is, and then you can treat it directly (instead of guessing at this and guessing at that--which will end up costing you a whole lot more money, in the long run!)...


A good book for women is by Linda Dillow and somebody else...called "Intimate Issues." Very much a female book, and really good about dealing with issues in a "woman to woman" sort of way. Perhaps it would make a good Christmas gift?

One thing that comes to mind: sometimes women don't know how harmful their actions can be--how their withholding of sex can do serious damage to their husband in MORE than just physical ways. Have you ever sat down with her and shared with her just what this all does to you?

It would have to be done in ways that are NOT condemning or blaming her, of course, as she's obviously feeling disgusted by sex and at this point is rather trapped in those feelings...I mean, it's not like she is doing this to you on purpose. But perhaps if you share what it does to you as a man, how it hurts you and causes you pain, she might be more willing to try and find some help, as opposed to her ignoring the issue.


I hope this helps a little!!!!!!

One thing for sure--your attitude is really awesome about all of this, and you are to be commended for your faithfulness and your many gentle attempts to help your woman!



Blessings,
Molly

 

[Evie]

I have been married for 12 years and my wife and I have two young children. I am very frustrated becasue my wife has a lack of any desire for intimacy. When we were first married (and even before marriage & being saved) my wife initiated intimacy all the time in unique positions, places, etc..But over the course of the last four or five years she has no enthusiasm for sex and has made comments that, "marriages evolve over time and intimacy isnt very important any longer" and "I dont feel very sexual." She is usually willing to be intimate becasue she knows it is wrong to deny your spouse from the biblical sense, but acts as though she is repulsed by the whole thing. I feel like I am raping her rather than making love with my wife. She recently read the Rekindling the Romance Book and I noticed some real changes for a week or so, but things quickly returned to normal.

I dont view porn and dont feel mastrubation is right (just my opinion) in the eyes of God. For me, intimacy is very important and I cant go out into the world without having sex and sexual images thrown in my face. Meanwhile my wife would rather work, spend hours and hours at church, or time with the kids or even watching TV than time with me. I am very frustrated and it is easy to see how men can stray. I have tried the little "date nite" things of getting the babysitter and going out, flowers, etc...so that stuff aint gonna work.

I feel like I have been swindled into a marraige in whcih I thought I had a loving partner that was attracted to me and loved me as much as I loved her. I will never divorce and I do love her, but I am very frustrated.

Any thoughts?

well,at one time I felt the same way she did. I read the book"Every mans battle" It was a book that my husband bought from the Promise Keepers conference and it changed my way of thinking toward our life together.(because it covered alot of the issued that I faced then at the time) My husband now has a mens group at our church on this topic)We also took a marriage course together with other christian couples. It was not one of those fix us courses either. It really made us wake up and realize what God had in store for the us. We are really different now. It was a 12 week couse and without it,we wouldnot be together.God healed our marriage as we let it happen. We do the dating thing,and it works for us. We would not live without it. You 2 need time away from the children,just like we do. We have 2 children also,and life can get very crazy,especially with school,work and church.You must find time together,alone to talk and be husband and wife and not worry about the kids.I will pray for you.

 

[sherwood]

Thanks for the advise and support.

 

[mojorising]

Tell her how you feel, brother. Ask her what you could do? Ask her if she would go to a counselor with you.

mojo

 

[pupose driven]

personally i dont think date nite is a thing. my wife is my best friend and to make sure she stays that way i have to date her. not every monday no matter what but whenever i want to be closer to her. anything that is to structured becomes a hinderance in a marriage but if you are spontanious she will always wonder what you have coming next. that doesnt mean that a date will lead to sex but if she knows you live for the next surprise she will too.

 

[Saint2be27]

First I think lots of prayer is needed, pray to be in one accord with your wife on this issue. Second, talk to her about this. Let her know you desire that intimacy with her.

I recently had a similar issue with my husband and this helped us tremendously (we have both had to make adjustments).

I have read Intimate Issues and heard about the book Every Mans Battle. Off that I recomend Every Mans Battle. From what I understand it helps us wimmens understand mens daily struggles and the importance of our role as an intimate wife.

I commend you on your patience and love for your wife, hang in there. This is one of the bumps on the road to a victorious marriage and can be overcome. God bless you and yours.

 

[awen]

Sherwood,

Can I ask... what does your wife have to say about everything? I presume you've spoken to her about your needs and desires?

 

[LynnMcG]

Not knowing you or your wife, it's really hard to offer advice. But I know a lot of women go through this. She is so fortunate to have a husband who wants to work this out!!

Being a woman today is really, really hard. (Not that I think being a man is any easier) We have so much junk thrown at us, so much on our heads. And you know sex is connected to our everyday lives, not just when we hop into our jammies. I have found in the past that it was difficult to let go of the junk of the day and be a woman. Especially when I've had someone hanging off of my for most of the day. I just don't want to be touched. It's hard to get passed that, to just shut out the world and just be a sweetie. BUT, it's a conscious effort we have to make. If you get out of the habit you can lose your drive. I know this happened to me when my second child was a newborn. I was really struggling with my role as mom. We had a lot of outside stresses that really took their tole where they shouldn't have - in our bedroom. But, we talked it through. Once I explained what I was thinking, my husband was more than happy to talk things through with me and even take some burdens from me.

Show her affection outside of the bedroom. Touch her when you pass by her. Kiss her when you see her. And don't follow up immediately by asking for sex. Sometimes we need affection without sex. Sometimes we just need to know we're loved without having to give something in return! In time (hopefully in no time at all) things will get better. Just keep talking to her. Keep loving her. Remain affectionate, even when you don't feel she's returning it. She will. God is as convenant God. You both made a promise before him. He doesn't break those promises.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

I think it is hard to know what is wrong from this far away, but is she exhausted? Hormonal?
I feel attracted to my husband more, if I am not worn and frazzled. Second, if he is clean and smells nice like cologne, that is a turn on.
Third, my husband warms me up. He tells me that I am pretty often, he flirts at me with his eyes, he lays on my lap, he snuggles, he initiates non-sex love where I do not feel pressured to give anything. This makes me feel more turned on.
He takes showers with me and plays with me a long time afterwards. This helps if I am stressed out from kids, working, tiredness, etc. He does not feel like a horny guy who just wants to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] into something. He feels like he wants to give me pleasure, and like he loves me as a person. He continually tells me compliments and how he loves me. He makes sure I get an "fulfilled" every time he gets is.
Is your wife having [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]? Make sure you actively participate in helping her to get one before, during, or after sex. I can see how sex could get old quick if you do not get an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], and you feel like you just have one more chore to do in a day, by satisfying your husbands sex drive.
Also, my hubby rules and leads in our home, which makes him seem intensley male. Very, very big plus. At the time that my hubby is telling me what to do, I might be mad, but that is just my flesh. I like the feeling of having a protector and ruler. It is sooo manly.
Does your wife read romance novels, or watch a lot of tv, or listen to a lot of rock music? If she does, I would think she might be getting bored and discontent in the marriage.
Hope something I said helps at least a bit.
I am soooo happy you do not look at porn. May God continue to keep you pure in this area. I hope things work out for you. I will try to pray for your situation tonight.
P.S. If your wife is on anti- depressants or some other drug look into that. They really mess up sex.

 

[Yitzchak]

I think it is a serious warning sign that there is something much more serious than sex that is the real problem. There is an emotional intimacy which doesn't even involve physical relations.
I would guess she is wounded in some way that caused her to isolate herself that way. Seek some professional help, preferably a pastor.

 

[InTheFlame]

Sherwood... sounds tough

About all I can think of to add to the excellent suggestions is - find out what's behind this lack of interest in sex. It might be she's exhausted and she needs help to either cut down her workload or give some of her tasks to someone else (read Sex Begins in the Kitchen for an idea of what MIGHT be going on there). She might not be feeling loved - not all women respond only to dates and flowers, and when they will work, they need to be done in the right spirit - a spirit of 'i know my wife needs this so I'll do it as an act of love, expecting nothing in return' as opposed to 'well I'm bringing you flowers, are you happy? i better get at least a massage out of this' (Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman could be a good idea to read). She might be finding sex painful or frustrating - if so she really needs to be seeing a doctor about it, for her own well-being.

I hope this helps. I think once you know the whys, what to do will be easier to discover.

 

[Melbelle]

I have been married for 12 years and my wife and I have two young children. I am very frustrated becasue my wife has a lack of any desire for intimacy. When we were first married (and even before marriage & being saved) my wife initiated intimacy all the time in unique positions, places, etc..But over the course of the last four or five years she has no enthusiasm for sex and has made comments that, "marriages evolve over time and intimacy isnt very important any longer" and "I dont feel very sexual." She is usually willing to be intimate becasue she knows it is wrong to deny your spouse from the biblical sense, but acts as though she is repulsed by the whole thing. I feel like I am raping her rather than making love with my wife. She recently read the Rekindling the Romance Book and I noticed some real changes for a week or so, but things quickly returned to normal.

I dont view porn and dont feel mastrubation is right (just my opinion) in the eyes of God. For me, intimacy is very important and I cant go out into the world without having sex and sexual images thrown in my face. Meanwhile my wife would rather work, spend hours and hours at church, or time with the kids or even watching TV than time with me. I am very frustrated and it is easy to see how men can stray. I have tried the little "date nite" things of getting the babysitter and going out, flowers, etc...so that stuff aint gonna work.

I feel like I have been swindled into a marraige in whcih I thought I had a loving partner that was attracted to me and loved me as much as I loved her. I will never divorce and I do love her, but I am very frustrated.

Any thoughts?

Can I ask, how old is your wife? The reason I ask this is because some women who have already reached there "peek" and it has done past them start looking at marridge as two people who have been together this long why have sex been there done that, If she hasn't reached her "Peek yet then Some women just have a low sex drive and takes alot to get there. Is she on any kinda of medication like Anti deperssants, B/C, or even diet pills, these also can cause a woman to have a low testrustrum level. Maybe she needs to talk to her OB/GYN and see maybe if there is something is going on it could be a medical problem, but most likely its just she has a Low sex drive for what ever the reason there is many. I'm not a doctor this is just my 2cents.

Oh yeah let me add, You said she works alot right? well maybe she needs a Vactation like just one whole weekend no kids just you and her wheather you stay home or ya'll go to a motel/hotel near by just let her relax and maybe she'll talk to you and maybe you might see her frisky side again.