- Oct 23, 2003
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You may be a fundy atheist if one or more of the following apply to you...
1. You know for a fact there's no truth.
2. You find you have a grudging respect for fundy theists for sticking to their guns even while complaining they dont think for themselves.
3. You dislike how liberal theists try to interpret the Bible for themselves, while you create your own interpretations of the Bible for yourself: (a) Exodus 34 contains a new set of 10 Commandments; (b) Jesus asked His disciples to slay all His enemies.
4. Thinking for yourself means adopting an atheist viewpoint.
5. Any scholar who believes in a historical Jesus must be a theist. If they are an atheist, then they must secretly want to be a theist.
6. You demand that theists explain news items where bad things have happened to theists, even though no theists on the board have claimed that belief in God is some kind of a lucky charm that wards off bad luck.
7. You demand that theists explain news items where theists do bad things, even though no theists on the board have claimed that it is impossible for theists to do bad things.
8. You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday School. Your ideas about God havent changed since.
9. You think that the primary aim of an omnibenevolent God is for people to have FUN.
10. You believe that extra drippy ice-cream is a logical proof against the existence of God, because an omniscient God would know how to stop the ice-cream from being extra drippy, an omnipotent God would have the ability to stop the ice-cream from being extra drippy, and by golly, an omnibenevolent God wouldnt want your ice-cream to be extra drippy.
11. When you say I dont know you are being brave and honest. When a theist says I dont know they are being dishonest and are trying to dodge the question.
12. When your thoughts on any complex matter are sensible and clear, and a theists thoughts on any complex matter are mental gymnastics.
13. You leave freethought tracts lying around, like the littering missionaries.
14. You have actually calculated, for purposes of argument by outrage, an estimate of the number of people drowned in The Flood.
15. If someone says God Bless when you sneeze, you make them take it back!
16. You debate (argue, vilify, etc.) as if every theist was a Jack Chick fan.
17. You can quote from the bible better than most missionaries...at least the parts where someone dies.
18. The only Commandments you know are the ones that are unconstitutional.
19. You cant remember if she was Mother or Sister Teresa, but you can name every pedophile priest listed in the media over the last seven years.
20. You label all scholars that actually believe the Bible as biased fundies while those who dont believe it are known as honest and accepted scholarship.
21. You believe that planes, computers, calculators, compasses, etc, were all obviously designed, yet the human body, being intricately more complex was obviously a product of biological evolution. It seems the more complex the apparatus, the more obvious the fact that it was not designed.
22. You believe that when our forefathers are framing the Constitution, theyre staunch deists, but when theyre beating their slaves, theyre Bible-believing Christians.
23. Although youve memorized a half a dozen proofs that He doesnt exist, you still think youre Gods gift to the ignorant masses.
24. As a member of the Skeptics Society you pride yourself on being skeptical of extraordinary claims. You also pride yourself on silencing everyone who is skeptical of the extraordinary claims of evolution.
25. Issac Newton does not count as an example of a great scientist who believed in the Bible since he died before the Origin of Species was published.
26. You believe the astronomical size of the universe somehow disproves God, as if God needed a tiny universe in order to exist. 27. You think that Christianity is a virulent memeplex and that atheism is the cure.
28. You think you have refuted the whole Trilemma because youve added another alternative to it.
29. You think that the Declaration of Independence is unconstitutional because it mentions the creator.
30. On, that basis, You think that the Declaration is therefore void and the United States should return to British rule.
31. When it is returned to British rule, you plan to go straight to London and tell those Brits that having the Anglican church as a state church violates the constitutional separation of church and state.
32. When you watch a punt returner run a 93 yard touchdown, you marvel at what evolution has done for the human race. But when someone gets cancer, you blame God for it.
33. When you use a historical point to prove Christianity is false (i.e., pagan parallel to Christianity), history is objective truth. When a Christian uses real historical scholarship to prove you false, history was written by subjective men and therefore cannot be trusted.
34. You dismiss any attempt to harmonize the resurrection accounts by saying one says A, the other says B, but none say A+B, then go on to offer your own elaborate conspiracy theory of what happened to the Jesus body, describing A+B+C+D, none of which are said ANYWHERE let alone together.
35. You always refer to C.S. Lewis as that traitor.
36. You think that Isaac Asimov was a world-class authority in Biblical Studies.
37. You make a point of referring to Jesus as Yeshua and to God as Yahveh in order to hint that they are no different from Molech or Baal.
38. You feel that Marilyn Manson is really, really profound.
39. You desperately wish that Stalin and Mao hadnt been atheists.
40. Youre saving up to move to some more enlightened place, like Sweden.
41. You feel that the separation of church and state is a much more important issue than abortion, euthanasia, or infanticide.
42. You label any change whatsoever in Christian theology or behavior as secularization. 43. Youre infuriated by the term village atheist. You prefer right-thinking urban humanist. .
44. You can gladly believe any number of conflicting philosophical positions, as long as theyre atheistic!
45. You think if a Christian wont address your arguments, they are too frightened to do so, or know they cant answer them; but if they do address your arguments, you think it is because they are threatened by them.
46. When a Christian offers you his own experience as evidence for God, you consider it stupid and subjective. But when he offers you historical, philosophical and scientifical evidence, you consider it too inconclusive and claim that you need to see God to believe in Him.
47. You not only spell God with a lower case g, but you also add an E to B.C., and replace the word Christ with an x. Yet, when asked to name the planets you have no problem with spouting out the appropriate list of Roman Gods. Heck, youll even spell them with capital letters!
48. When a Christians interpretation of a passage (based on the social/literary context) solves one of your favorite contradictions, it is only their personal interpretation, and can be dismissed as such. But your interpretation (based on a plain reading of the text) to arrive at the contradiction in the first place is entirely objective, and is obviously THE correct interpretation.
49. When youre discussing the origin of the world, the phrase uncaused cause (God) is a stupid, meaningless thing to say. You will, however, settle for uncaused effect (the world without God).
50. You think that religious wars have killed more people than any other kind of war, even though the largest wars of the last 200 years (World War I and II, Civil War, etc.) had no discernable religious causes.
51. You think that the Spanish Inquisition killed millions (or at least hundreds of thousands), even though the population of all of Spain at the time of the Inquisition was only about five million, and the actual total killed numbers about 2000. When informed of this, you accuse the informer of belittling or being insensitive to the deaths of 2000 individuals.
52. You believe that Christians burned down the Great Library of Alexandria. When you learn that this was impossible, you assert that it is obvious that Christians did burn a lot of ancient books. When you are shown that this too is false, you wait a while, then make the same claim again, hoping that the person who corrected you with the facts wont notice.
53. You descended from apes. (Think about it.)
54. You desperately confer with other skeptics to try and refute the evidence that Hitlers Holocaust was evolution-inspired, because, darn it, you just GOTTA prove that Hitler was a Christian.
55. Missionaries who give up their personal comfort to aid starving, impoverished and persecuted third-world people are actually corrupting ancient tribal cultures with western religious dogma, while you sit at home and complain about the price of KFC.
1. You know for a fact there's no truth.
2. You find you have a grudging respect for fundy theists for sticking to their guns even while complaining they dont think for themselves.
3. You dislike how liberal theists try to interpret the Bible for themselves, while you create your own interpretations of the Bible for yourself: (a) Exodus 34 contains a new set of 10 Commandments; (b) Jesus asked His disciples to slay all His enemies.
4. Thinking for yourself means adopting an atheist viewpoint.
5. Any scholar who believes in a historical Jesus must be a theist. If they are an atheist, then they must secretly want to be a theist.
6. You demand that theists explain news items where bad things have happened to theists, even though no theists on the board have claimed that belief in God is some kind of a lucky charm that wards off bad luck.
7. You demand that theists explain news items where theists do bad things, even though no theists on the board have claimed that it is impossible for theists to do bad things.
8. You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday School. Your ideas about God havent changed since.
9. You think that the primary aim of an omnibenevolent God is for people to have FUN.
10. You believe that extra drippy ice-cream is a logical proof against the existence of God, because an omniscient God would know how to stop the ice-cream from being extra drippy, an omnipotent God would have the ability to stop the ice-cream from being extra drippy, and by golly, an omnibenevolent God wouldnt want your ice-cream to be extra drippy.
11. When you say I dont know you are being brave and honest. When a theist says I dont know they are being dishonest and are trying to dodge the question.
12. When your thoughts on any complex matter are sensible and clear, and a theists thoughts on any complex matter are mental gymnastics.
13. You leave freethought tracts lying around, like the littering missionaries.
14. You have actually calculated, for purposes of argument by outrage, an estimate of the number of people drowned in The Flood.
15. If someone says God Bless when you sneeze, you make them take it back!
16. You debate (argue, vilify, etc.) as if every theist was a Jack Chick fan.
17. You can quote from the bible better than most missionaries...at least the parts where someone dies.
18. The only Commandments you know are the ones that are unconstitutional.
19. You cant remember if she was Mother or Sister Teresa, but you can name every pedophile priest listed in the media over the last seven years.
20. You label all scholars that actually believe the Bible as biased fundies while those who dont believe it are known as honest and accepted scholarship.
21. You believe that planes, computers, calculators, compasses, etc, were all obviously designed, yet the human body, being intricately more complex was obviously a product of biological evolution. It seems the more complex the apparatus, the more obvious the fact that it was not designed.
22. You believe that when our forefathers are framing the Constitution, theyre staunch deists, but when theyre beating their slaves, theyre Bible-believing Christians.
23. Although youve memorized a half a dozen proofs that He doesnt exist, you still think youre Gods gift to the ignorant masses.
24. As a member of the Skeptics Society you pride yourself on being skeptical of extraordinary claims. You also pride yourself on silencing everyone who is skeptical of the extraordinary claims of evolution.
25. Issac Newton does not count as an example of a great scientist who believed in the Bible since he died before the Origin of Species was published.
26. You believe the astronomical size of the universe somehow disproves God, as if God needed a tiny universe in order to exist. 27. You think that Christianity is a virulent memeplex and that atheism is the cure.
28. You think you have refuted the whole Trilemma because youve added another alternative to it.
29. You think that the Declaration of Independence is unconstitutional because it mentions the creator.
30. On, that basis, You think that the Declaration is therefore void and the United States should return to British rule.
31. When it is returned to British rule, you plan to go straight to London and tell those Brits that having the Anglican church as a state church violates the constitutional separation of church and state.
32. When you watch a punt returner run a 93 yard touchdown, you marvel at what evolution has done for the human race. But when someone gets cancer, you blame God for it.
33. When you use a historical point to prove Christianity is false (i.e., pagan parallel to Christianity), history is objective truth. When a Christian uses real historical scholarship to prove you false, history was written by subjective men and therefore cannot be trusted.
34. You dismiss any attempt to harmonize the resurrection accounts by saying one says A, the other says B, but none say A+B, then go on to offer your own elaborate conspiracy theory of what happened to the Jesus body, describing A+B+C+D, none of which are said ANYWHERE let alone together.
35. You always refer to C.S. Lewis as that traitor.
36. You think that Isaac Asimov was a world-class authority in Biblical Studies.
37. You make a point of referring to Jesus as Yeshua and to God as Yahveh in order to hint that they are no different from Molech or Baal.
38. You feel that Marilyn Manson is really, really profound.
39. You desperately wish that Stalin and Mao hadnt been atheists.
40. Youre saving up to move to some more enlightened place, like Sweden.
41. You feel that the separation of church and state is a much more important issue than abortion, euthanasia, or infanticide.
42. You label any change whatsoever in Christian theology or behavior as secularization. 43. Youre infuriated by the term village atheist. You prefer right-thinking urban humanist. .
44. You can gladly believe any number of conflicting philosophical positions, as long as theyre atheistic!
45. You think if a Christian wont address your arguments, they are too frightened to do so, or know they cant answer them; but if they do address your arguments, you think it is because they are threatened by them.
46. When a Christian offers you his own experience as evidence for God, you consider it stupid and subjective. But when he offers you historical, philosophical and scientifical evidence, you consider it too inconclusive and claim that you need to see God to believe in Him.
47. You not only spell God with a lower case g, but you also add an E to B.C., and replace the word Christ with an x. Yet, when asked to name the planets you have no problem with spouting out the appropriate list of Roman Gods. Heck, youll even spell them with capital letters!
48. When a Christians interpretation of a passage (based on the social/literary context) solves one of your favorite contradictions, it is only their personal interpretation, and can be dismissed as such. But your interpretation (based on a plain reading of the text) to arrive at the contradiction in the first place is entirely objective, and is obviously THE correct interpretation.
49. When youre discussing the origin of the world, the phrase uncaused cause (God) is a stupid, meaningless thing to say. You will, however, settle for uncaused effect (the world without God).
50. You think that religious wars have killed more people than any other kind of war, even though the largest wars of the last 200 years (World War I and II, Civil War, etc.) had no discernable religious causes.
51. You think that the Spanish Inquisition killed millions (or at least hundreds of thousands), even though the population of all of Spain at the time of the Inquisition was only about five million, and the actual total killed numbers about 2000. When informed of this, you accuse the informer of belittling or being insensitive to the deaths of 2000 individuals.
52. You believe that Christians burned down the Great Library of Alexandria. When you learn that this was impossible, you assert that it is obvious that Christians did burn a lot of ancient books. When you are shown that this too is false, you wait a while, then make the same claim again, hoping that the person who corrected you with the facts wont notice.
53. You descended from apes. (Think about it.)
54. You desperately confer with other skeptics to try and refute the evidence that Hitlers Holocaust was evolution-inspired, because, darn it, you just GOTTA prove that Hitler was a Christian.
55. Missionaries who give up their personal comfort to aid starving, impoverished and persecuted third-world people are actually corrupting ancient tribal cultures with western religious dogma, while you sit at home and complain about the price of KFC.
