Wrestling

[marcb]

Hi all,

I thank you again for your prayers and insight. Today was better. I cut way down on the coffee (which I think was balancing my excessive lexapro intake). I still, however, was a bit anxious by the end of the day. Sort of non-specific anxiety. I knew taking a run would help; it usually does.

So I set out on my run, despite the numbing surges of electricity, that I have been getting since tapering down on Lexapro. A few minutes into the run, angst just started building up and up and up....to the point where my frustration spilled over to God. I got pretty angry to be honest. I was giving God an earful about why He had decided to just "harden" me and give me over to these thoughts after all we had been through. I told him the "woe is me, this is unfair, you made me this way, etc." business. Then I was practically shouting to heaven, "is this what you mean by 'my yoke is easy and my burden is light?'" On and on for a solid 15-20 minutes. Then I perceived God to say with great patience and kindness, "Do you feel better, Marc?" This blew me away and was so calming all at once. It wasn't an audible voice, but it was just a Fatherly message that reached me after I had stated my case.

All at once, I was at ease and thanking God for hearing me out. I went from thinking I really might be cutting myself off to realizing that if I can't be real before God, then what's the point of the relationship. I love my wife, but I am also candid without giving it much thought. How much more should I then engage the One who knows me better than anyone (especially myself). God became very real and dynamic to me tonight. He is not the Bible, yet His nature and will are revealed to us in scripture. He can also reveal Himself to us personally. That is what scripture is for -- to point us to God's nature and to prepare us to engage Him as the living God. I think I too often use scripture to "check" my faith, rather than listen to God. It doesn't work when it's about me.

Blessings, Marc

 

[OptimisticSmile]

That is really nice and encouraging. Ive been on those walks and obssessed every step of the way, meaning to go on a prayer walk and ending up feeling so angry that God seemingly had cast me off and as I believed was rejecting my cry for salvation.

I am happy for you. I hope this experinec will last and that you will not start to doubt wether it really was God.

now he has shown me that he used me in that difficult time and that he shows his love toward me each time he chooses to use me when he can use someone else. I write blogs on myspace and its funny how the next to last blog was entitled Silence and was written about how god seems vacant sometimes , about two weeks later I wrote a blog entitled "God has broken his silence", about how God led me into my future marriage and through the experience showed me that he is a forgiving and loving God.

 

[BeccaLynn]

I loved reading this Marc. God really is a gentle heavenly Father. It's so encouraging when I can get beyond all the noise in my head to realize this. In the natural, I would be easily angered at someone who spoke to me in some of the ways I have spoken to God out of pure frustration and hopelessness. It has helped me so much when I've realized that God has just let me vent, gently waited for me to calm down, and then let me know that He's not like us humans. I love the verse that says He is slow to anger and full of mercy. Thanks for your post. It encourages me.

Rebecca