Would You Want To Date A Nurse ?

[blackribbon]

Admittedly in my late teens and early 20s I was messed up myself. Until a sister in Christ who married a Japanese man and told me she loved living away from America because of what it does to people. Which is why she also intervened and got my life back on track. Its why I know often see what she does or what my fiance does about this country.

If God chooses to heal me I would hands down move to the Philippines.

If my daughter was dating you when you were in your late teens and early 20's, it sounds like I'd have advised her to not continue..or even not to go on that first date. If you were "messed up" as you claim, then I suspect that you didn't get a clear picture of a whole segment of quality young women because they would have been wise to avoid you. After you straightened up, you still wouldn't necessarily been a good risk because you didn't have a track record yet. So now in your early thirties, you would only now start to qualify as a potential date/mate for someone who does value the qualities you are seeking. Please stop knocking American society...yes, it does have its problems but honestly, I don't know society that has it better. It often is what we make it and it is often the company we choose to keep.

And no, I'm not like the filipina women...I am not submissive but have to constantly "choose" to submit to the proper people in my life. I am a caregiver...but not a doormat. I will quietly walk away from any relationship that treats me as such (except a marriage so I am very picky). I don't "do" drama. My model for my life is just the Bible...not any culture. It comes from my heart.

The gentleman I am kind of seeing (two very busy schedule is what makes this "kind of") is a very ordinary man. I like that about him. He doesn't like drama, or so he says...I have yet to witness how he handles stressful situations. He seems nice...but again, I have yet to witness how he treats people in general...especially people in situations where it is both hard and necessary to show compassion. I also see that he is very used to living alone and often doesn't think about how some of his decisions might also impact my life. (I have worked hard to clear my schedule because he said he wanted to do something ... only to have him not follow up because he got busy. He is right, we never made solid plans...but he asked me to try to make room and I did.) I also suspect that he thinks we "talk" on a regular basis, but I don't think he realizes that except for a couple questions about me, he actually spends the whole conversations talking about himself and his problems. I like that he trusts me enough to talk...but I wonder when he might actually want to get to know "me". This may just turn into one of my "one-way" friendship...where I consider myself to be his friend but I don't necessarily consider him to be my friend.

 

[blackribbon]

I also suspect that if I do decide that this isn't going to change that he will wonder why he got moved to the "friend zone"...because a lot of his needs are being met but I am beginning to feel a bit invisible or like an "after thought".

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

I also suspect that if I do decide that this isn't going to change that he will wonder why he got moved to the "friend zone"...because a lot of his needs are being met but I am beginning to feel a bit invisible or like an "after thought".

I know what one-way relationships feel like. When I was younger and didn't know better I was sometimes the "nice guy" and it seems I was kind of a place holder until someone more exciting came along.

Maybe the guy you are seeing is so used to being alone and so glad to have someone to talk to that he gets carried away and forgets that you have needs. It could be he is out of practice in the give and take in a relationship and if so, that can be corrected. I hope it is something like that and not a character flaw.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

blackribbon, thanks for saying "Stop knocking American Society" because even though our society is messed up, you're right it's still IMO the best. Why do SO many people from other countries want to come here? If their country is SO great, why do they flock here in droves?
And as far as loyal women go, I don't believe Fillipino women are more loyal, but I do believe they are taught that this is the way they should be. To me, it's more like slave mentality. NOT ALL of them are this way either though.
But until you can speak from experience of being actually married and in the same house for years you should not say they are better than American women. IMO you should never generalize like that at all.
The reason OUR society here in America is messed up is because alot of people are all about ME, ME, ME first. What about ME? What's in it for ME? Instead of putting the other person first. What a society we would have if we were more like Alvin and the chipmunks, "After YOU, NO after YOU! But when everyone is out for themselves it makes it tougher. JMHO

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

...After you straightened up, you still wouldn't necessarily been a good risk because you didn't have a track record yet. So now in your early thirties, you would only now start to qualify as a potential date/mate for someone who does value the qualities you are seeking.

Where does that leave guys like me in the forties to fifties range? I had some pretty bad circumstances I dealt with honorably but it is also true I had wrong/unrealistic priorities and I was also in some ways selfish and immature well into my thirties. Then I had some financial/career setbacks and for a while I was so ashamed of myself I avoided relationships. I have become successful in my current career and I know I have played the role of Mr. Workaholic since work is the only arena in a long time where I have found recognition, rewards and trust. But I know that is wrong and in any case, limited. So I have a pretty thin record relationship-wise (nothing horrific but nothing great, either). I could not blame a woman, looking at my life and thinking, "never married, business failure, nerdy, workaholic, L-O-S-E-R!" I look at my life and for some of it I can only say, Yikes! I wish I could go back in time 20 years and change some things about myself to make my old self to be more or less what I am now but that is useless. I know this is not the subject of this thread but I welcome anyone's honest opinion even if it is not pleasant.

 

[dayhiker]

Well, Doc, it sounds like you have learned a lot over the years and that is a beautiful thing. I've had two relationships in the last 5+ years. They came quick and easy. Both started out as an activity not as a date. One I went hiking with, the other I played golf with. They saw me as doing well with the activity. I didn't fly off the handle when I made a bad shot. I was very patient with them, letting them take their time in the activity. Offering limited advice. So that all seems to work really well. I also didn't push them to get into bed.

So I'd say take what you have learned, get get out where the ladies are. I often use meetup.com to do that. More often than not there are more women in the meetup meetings than guys.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Where does that leave guys like me in the forties to fifties range? I had some pretty bad circumstances I dealt with honorably but it is also true I had wrong/unrealistic priorities and I was also in some ways selfish and immature well into my thirties. Then I had some financial/career setbacks and for a while I was so ashamed of myself I avoided relationships. I have become successful in my current career and I know I have played the role of Mr. Workaholic since work is the only arena in a long time where I have found recognition, rewards and trust. But I know that is wrong and in any case, limited. So I have a pretty thin record relationship-wise (nothing horrific but nothing great, either). I could not blame a woman, looking at my life and thinking, "never married, business failure, nerdy, workaholic, L-O-S-E-R!" I look at my life and for some of it I can only say, Yikes! I wish I could go back in time 20 years and change some things about myself to make my old self to be more or less what I am now but that is useless. I know this is not the subject of this thread but I welcome anyone's honest opinion even if it is not pleasant.

Unfortunately, we have to make mistakes to learn anything substantial. Some of us have to learn the hard way and others not so much. Now I don't know you IRL but here, you seem to be intelligent and if I take you at your word about your success in your current situation I would not say L-O-S-E-R. While it may not seem that we have the same interests, if we DID, I would date someone like yourself.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Thanks, dayhiker. I have just been thinking about my life and how hard it is for a broken mirror to reflect much light.

 

[blackribbon]

Where does that leave guys like me in the forties to fifties range? I had some pretty bad circumstances I dealt with honorably but it is also true I had wrong/unrealistic priorities and I was also in some ways selfish and immature well into my thirties. Then I had some financial/career setbacks and for a while I was so ashamed of myself I avoided relationships. I have become successful in my current career and I know I have played the role of Mr. Workaholic since work is the only arena in a long time where I have found recognition, rewards and trust. But I know that is wrong and in any case, limited. So I have a pretty thin record relationship-wise (nothing horrific but nothing great, either). I could not blame a woman, looking at my life and thinking, "never married, business failure, nerdy, workaholic, L-O-S-E-R!" I look at my life and for some of it I can only say, Yikes! I wish I could go back in time 20 years and change some things about myself to make my old self to be more or less what I am now but that is useless. I know this is not the subject of this thread but I welcome anyone's honest opinion even if it is not pleasant.

Sound like you have a good track record in my opinion. The age doesn't matter...but if I was going at a guy, if there were bad decisions or behaviors in his past, I want to see that he had actually learned and decided that he WANTED to live these changes. If someone changes just to have you in their life, you risk them going back when things get tough and them saying that you just wanted to "change them".

The guy I like has a bankrupsy in his past...but it was from fighting to get custody of his child and to limit her contact with him after she burned him intentionally with a cigarette (at 4 years old). I don't see this as a negative but rather as something I admire. He is divorced...but he probably married her too quickly and he found out that she had some true mental health issues that could have harmed him and their baby. He also was out of work for 18 month in the not too recent past but has a good job right now. For some reason, it almost seemed like he was almost "confessing" this. I don't care. And the main reason I'm glad he told me this is that although he probably has a good paying job, I am guessing that he still is gaining financial traction from those months without a job. What I see is a smart guy who works hard and values family....but he has been alone for so long that he doesn't always think beyond what effects him or his son.

I don't want someone perfect or who hasn't made any bad decisions in his life...or else I'll never feel like I can measure up. At the same time, I don't want someone who is financially irresponsible even if he can afford it. I don't want someone who doesn't understand the importance of family. And I don't want someone who is always trying to avoid work or changes jobs frequently....or lives for imaginary things like video games. And I don't want someone who is currently making irresponsible or illegal decisions. I want someone I can depend on.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Dear blackribbon,

"..but if I was going at a guy, if there were bad decisions or behaviors in his past, I want to see that he had actually learned and decided that he WANTED to live these changes. If someone changes just to have you in their life, you risk them going back when things get tough and them saying that you just wanted to 'change them'."

If someone "needs" you to "help them make changes" then that is an unhealthy dependency and something like that is doomed to fail. And even if the person does outwardly change the person will resent you. That is a no-win situation.

I made some pretty mundane bad decisions. Like taking a course of study that was not likely to lead to many job opportunities unless I made teaching a profession, and then deciding to not seek an academic career. Like staying in a bad job longer than I should have because I was afraid to try other opportunities. Like bad investments. Those were my type of mistakes. So it is not like I was flaky, running around for years in a haze because I had cocaine up my nose or something like that. I was a very cynical and negative person and I would call that a character flaw and it took me years to outgrow it. Along the way I also made good decisions and I am no longer ashamed of my failures because for the most part I don't think they were the result of character flaws.

"What I see is a smart guy who works hard and values family....but he has been alone for so long that he doesn't always think beyond what effects him or his son."

When you are burned out from years of struggle in a situation and you have lived a long time in survival mode, your world can be very small. You can be obsessed with your situation because you feel like you have to be on top of every detail if you are going to get through it okay. This can make you seem selfish when you are really just overwhelmed. You might also feel guilt as if anything you do is not good enough and that the whole world is punishing you. It takes time to heal from such turmoil.

"I don't want someone perfect or who hasn't made any bad decisions in his life...or else I'll never feel like I can measure up. At the same time, I don't want someone who is financially irresponsible even if he can afford it. I don't want someone who doesn't understand the importance of family. And I don't want someone who is always trying to avoid work or changes jobs frequently....or lives for imaginary things like video games. And I don't want someone who is currently making irresponsible or illegal decisions. I want someone I can depend on."

Those are good standards!

 

[blackribbon]

When you are burned out from years of struggle in a situation and you have lived a long time in survival mode, your world can be very small. You can be obsessed with your situation because you feel like you have to be on top of every detail if you are going to get through it okay. This can make you seem selfish when you are really just overwhelmed. You might also feel guilt as if anything you do is not good enough and that the whole world is punishing you. It takes time to heal from such turmoil.

"

It can also just be plain habit...and a little bit afraid to invest too much. I don't see it as selfishness. I'd be more bothered if he was trying to revolve his world around mine or pull me into his too fast. We are just getting to know each other..and honestly, both our lives revolve around our teenagers' schedules.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Unfortunately, we have to make mistakes to learn anything substantial. Some of us have to learn the hard way and others not so much. Now I don't know you IRL but here, you seem to be intelligent and if I take you at your word about your success in your current situation I would not say L-O-S-E-R. While it may not seem that we have the same interests, if we DID, I would date someone like yourself.

Dear Michelle, aw, thanks! I respect you and that you have decent values is attractive. Sometimes I feel like I have lived more than one lifetime (just never got it right). I really don't expect a date to share all of my exact interests and I would expect her to have her own friends and interests. That is what makes people interesting, after all. It would be nice if she could humor me and at least be glad I am going out late at night to watch a meteor shower and not going out to get drunk like more typical guys. There is also a matter of shared values or not and chemistry or not so nothing is simple and as far as chemistry, nothing is guaranteed. But you deserve a man who has been successful all his life and can sweep you off your feet. I have just been getting my life together the past several years and all I can claim is that I can sweep the floor and take out the garbage, lol.

I looked at your profile and it says you were raised Lutheran, hmm. And you are interested in photography, hmm. Astronomy and photography is a nice combination, especially somewhere like Arizona and… Don’t panic, and again I say, DON’T PANIC! I am across the country in Florida and have no plans to move although I don't like the climate here.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

It can also just be plain habit...and a little bit afraid to invest too much. I don't see it as selfishness. I'd be more bothered if he was trying to revolve his world around mine or pull me into his too fast. We are just getting to know each other..and honestly, both our lives revolve around our teenagers' schedules.

Yes, a negative thought pattern can be a difficult habit to break away from. And that is something you really have to do for yourself. Been there. I hope things go well.

 

[blackribbon]

But you deserve a man who has been successful all his life and can sweep you off your feet. I have just been getting my life together the past several years and all I can claim is that I can sweep the floor and take out the garbage, lol.

First of all, Michelle does deserve someone great...but I suspect that she would agree with me...most of us don't need someone who has been successful all their life. We just want someone who is honestly trying to get it right at this moment in life. Past history is just that as long as it isn't current history too.

The problem with someone who has been successful all their life is that no one knows how they will respond to adversity...and the older we get, the more likely we are to find real adversity.

Dr SL...don't be so hard on yourself. And to be perfectly honest..the thing that I really find excessive attractive about my new guy is that he is just so ordinary and normal! Nothing particularly special enough for most people to notice...but very capable in the day to day stuff. In my mind, that is the best soil to grow a happy and normal relationship in.

If I were to find someone to marry again...my grey hair goal will still be rocking chairs on the porch and dinners at home most night.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Dear Michelle, aw, thanks! I respect you and that you have decent values is attractive. Sometimes I feel like I have lived more than one lifetime (just never got it right). I really don't expect a date to share all of my exact interests and I would expect her to have her own friends and interests. That is what makes people interesting, after all. It would be nice if she could humor me and at least be glad I am going out late at night to watch a meteor shower and not going out to get drunk like more typical guys. There is also a matter of shared values or not and chemistry or not so nothing is simple and as far as chemistry, nothing is guaranteed. But you deserve a man who has been successful all his life and can sweep you off your feet. I have just been getting my life together the past several years and all I can claim is that I can sweep the floor and take out the garbage, lol.

I looked at your profile and it says you were raised Lutheran, hmm. And you are interested in photography, hmm. Astronomy and photography is a nice combination, especially somewhere like Arizona and… Don’t panic, and again I say, DON’T PANIC! I am across the country in Florida and have no plans to move although I don't like the climate here.

Ha Ha Ha about your DON'T PANIC comment . But now you've gone and fessed up that you live in FLORIDA? See THAT is the problem IMO (just kidding) Don't you know how many problems Florida has? Lot's of drug problems, LOTS of missing kid and missing women problems, not to mention the weather!

I have to go look at my profile now, I really wasn't "raised" lutheran. My Dad's mom, my grandma tried to live by the Bible and she is the one that taught me about Jesus. She used to have "church" in her house. Her and another lady started this "church". Now that I am grown, my aunts (her daughters) have filled me in on how narrow minded her "church" and beliefs were. Once she was telling me that my cousin could come to their church and so could her husband, but her husband could never be a "member" because the other founder of the church had died.
My Dad left when he was 16 to join the navy. Neither of my parents went to church, but I wanted to go. So my mom would take me and pick me up from the Church of the Good Shepherd Lutheran Church. I don't really know how I started going there or what, but I do know that my mom and dad did not pick it, I did. I went to Sunday School and was in the choir. My favorite song to sing was Onward Christian Soldiers LOL. So that is the extent of my being "raised lutheran".

Both you and blackribbon are too kind. I don't feel like I "deserve" anyone, but certainly needed to hear your comments today. Kind of had a fight with my step daughter yesterday thru FB and WOW! It was one of those "tell me how you REALLY feel" days and I still can't believe all the hurtful things she threw at me. BUT the devil did not win that round, cuz I didn't get mad or try to rebutt her and I prayed for her, but anyway, your comments came at a good time this morning.
And that being said, I definitely think both of YOU DESERVE SOMEONE FANTASTIC in YOUR LIVES!

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

And as far as loyal women go, I don't believe Fillipino women are more loyal, but I do believe they are taught that this is the way they should be. To me, it's more like slave mentality.

I agree that a woman shouldn't be a carpet, not even to her husband, but at the same time is it really that bad for a women to be taught to be loyal and listen to her husband? Maybe thats the problem with America. Because of feminists, many women now think they don't really need to be as submissive as the bible says to. I have heard some even say being submissive is outdated.

blackribbon, thanks for saying "Stop knocking American Society" because even though our society is messed up, you're right it's still IMO the best. Why do SO many people from other countries want to come here? If their country is SO great, why do they flock here in droves?

I won't disagree that our society is best. But its more of out of the worst, this is the best we can do and therefor its acceptable.

Also people come here because we offer freedom (more or less). If they were to come here simply looking for someone to marry then most would likely avoid America. And most foreign people I've spoke to don't care for America to much in terms of finding someone. The ones that do usually say they do because they are taught america is full of rich men and women they can marry. So for them its not about good marriage material or love.

But until you can speak from experience of being actually married and in the same house for years you should not say they are better than American women.

Just because someone is/has been married does not mean they know all. Every marriage is different to some degree. I can honestly say I do feel an angry/bitter vibe in this topic towards me and my fiance. I feel like I am being hurt instead of encouraged. Where are the "We pray your marriage is blessed!" comments or the "It really sounds like you two will work well together!" comments.

I understand that maybe some people here have had bad marriages or are in ones that not are the best, but its no reason to essentially get mad at someone who is genuinely happy with the person he is with. And yes I do realize marriage is not happy-happy joy-joy all the time. I'm 100% sure we will have struggles, arguments...etc. I never claimed I know all either or that my marriage will be perfect.

I simply pointed out that filipino women are known to be often more loyal. On that note I also do realize that many asian women are taught to be slaves. And I do agree that it can play a role. Which is why I made sure my fiance was not just some slave mentalitied person. I honestly don't want a woman whos like that. My fiance if anything can be outspoken sometimes and doesn't like being treated like a doormat.

With all this said I apologize if my comments upset anyone about filipinos vs americans. I just go by facts and what I know. I won't comment on this topic anymore because...well I just don't care to.

 

[blackribbon]

With all this said I apologize if my comments upset anyone about filipinos vs americans. I just go by facts and what I know. I won't comment on this topic anymore because...well I just don't care to.

How many actual filipino women have you met in person and how many filipino marriages have you witnessed for long periods of time?

I do not intend to hurt you in anyway...and I hope you will continue to talk about your love. It is refreshing. I really do hope that you have found something beautiful and do pray for both you and your fiance...your marriage and her health (though, I really ought to add your health in there too...hmmm.)

Anyway, I apologize if it sounds patronizing and it actually may be a little bit...but forgive me if as an "old married lady", I do listen to young people in love and think "cute...but wait until reality hits"...like I do when I hear people who don't have babies or are pregnant speak how their babies are never going to eat "....." (you fill in the blank) or other idealistic words of wisdom on how they are going to raise that baby. Real life doesn't ever come out like we plan it....there is no way to plan for every potential problem. Most people go into marriage thinking they have it perfected or figured out...or else most people would never even try to get married. I have faith that yours might actually work because of the reaction of your family. I think they are in a position to have the clearest vision.

I do hope it works for you. Honestly. However on the flip side, you have to realize that sometimes your posts have a slightly arrogant attitude which are "personal" against us American women..and our daughters, who are young eligible American women. As for "the facts"...well, honestly, the facts and statistics also point to Filipino women marrying Americans for less than honorable reasons (by American standards) ... so people will doubt. You also talk about her like you have had to work hard issues out...which over the computer or phone is not the same as having to do it in real life. Trust me...I did both since my husband was in the Navy when I married him. You are still living in the world that you hope that what she is telling you is the truth because you have nothing to judge by except her word and what her family tells you. You have never physically even met her. However, honestly, I do think that she might be "the real thing" for you and hope she is.

I truly wish you the best. It really doesn't matter what the "statistics" or facts are...it only matters what is between you and your bride. It also does not matter what any of us on this forum think...if you have found peace, then you should follow the peace. If I doubt, it is because I worry about you...you have posted enough now that I consider you among my online friends and I don't want to see you to get hurt..that is the momma bear in me.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Well I realize I probably seem ignorant on this topic and perhaps I am. Growing up I always went by what I seen. Facts for example. So factually when I talk about Filipino women I talk about what I have found to be the common facts. It doens't mean they are right since I also realize filipino women can be scammers. So yes I honestly cannot say for sure since I am indeed not married to her yet.

Your not old btw. 47 is young. When I am 90 I'll say 100 is old, therefor I don't have to admit to being old lol. I do agree that most people think marriage is some lovey dovey thing that will never go sour, then boom reality hits. If anything its what I tell people that marry. Even me and my fiance already know there will be trials and times where we might hate each other. We don't go by what the movies or book pretend to make marriage out to be. More so since she knows I am disabled and it will cause stress at times.

While I know marriage will not be perfect, I do seem pretty happy about it because I truly feel like God put us together after so much prayer and fasting. And having my family be supportive helps to since they usually "know" when someone is not right for me.

I'll be honest here (er, not that I have lied lol) but I do get scared sometimes because I want to be the best husband I can be for my fiance. I've got alot of odds stacked against me. But as long as she is understanding like she says she is about me being disabled then I think we can make it. She is far more then I deserve because of my past. Which makes me thank God more because I never really expected to find such a great wife, even more so one thats a pastors daughter.

I do apologize about my statements about american women. I've said before I don't really think out what I am saying, so I kind of put down whats in my head without thinking "Hmm this might come off as arrogant." It frustrates me because I never did that before the brain injury. Its like when I think of something to say I have to type it all in before I forget. And then at that point I forget to go through it and word it right.

I also learned from others that I need to stop saying things like "All women....". Because I don't mean all, I mean things like "some" or things along those lines. Having lost everything I learned I am constantly trying to relearn how to say things without coming off to sound like a idiot. Even though it may seem otherwise, I actually like the woman that have responded here because you woman are much more old fashioned. And with that said I also realize that your daughters are likley the same way.

So I shouldn't generalize all women as being a certain way when in fact thats not true. Most of the wonderful women I met that I liked ended up being married already lol. Which is ok because they are in good marriages and have bundles of kids! ^.^

And yes I do pray to God she is being honest. I did get more relief when she let me access her emails, facebook, bank accounts...etc. Because often people post things privately on those places that they never expect anyone to see like with my ex-gf who had been posting to her ex-bf that she really disliked my mother, hated that I didn't work...etc. That broke my heart.

if God forbid my fiance was lying. I would stay single forever then., I can't deal with anymore heartbreak. After the first woman I was with left me for her ex, it killed me because I loved her daughter so much and her daughter called me daddy on the first day I met her. I imagine its what it must feel like to be divorced and have your kids taken away from you. You feel helpless and lost...depressed. I still have her daughters little toy she gave me so I could think of her. Ok must stop talking, getting teary.

I think I try to stay reassured to because many people when I was growing up said I would never find love because I was quote "A disabled re-tarded freak of nature that no woman would love!". Words hurt so much more then people realize. That line is what caused me to become suicidal to the point of I nearly tried. I praise God and give him thanks that he has given me strength to overcome what people have said and show them I can be loved and be happy.

Thanks much for caring. I know you mean well and have had much experience in life. I have always respected how strong you are with all you have gone through. Also thanks for praying about us. It does mean alot. It seems like the whole word supports me and my fiance, which is something I am not used to since with every woman I was with in the past, many knew before I did that it would not work out.

I also want to say my fiance is offline for about a week at a time now because her sister can't afford to send her money to pay for constant internet. So miss her badly. Getting married soon we have to set up details, dates...etc. I just want her to have the perfect wedding so its one of many memories we will have forever. Ugh, and I am crying again lol. So dang mushy.