Would would you write to a cheating spouse?

[notgivingup]

so for anyone that is unfamiliar with my story, my husband decided he would rather have a polygamist lifestyle so that he can have 50 or more children. And no that's not an over exaggeration. This was discovered about 6 months ago, recently I found proof and confronted him and he admitted he has already been on dating sites talking with women. This is through polygamist dating site. I have been seeing a counselor for the past 4 months. My husband only went one time. My therapist has helped me out tremendously. Currently him and I work at an apartment complex as the managers, his mother is the owner. We currently live in separate apartments. I am looking for other work and a new apartment and will be moving a few hours away from here the middle of April. My therapist suggested that since I'm not very good at voicing my emotions and at this point it doesn't seem to do any good with him he's too much in a fog she suggested that I write a letter expressing all of my hurt and my pain and the day I leave give it to him. She thinks I should do this because then I will have no regret that I didn't get to say my part. I am NOT a mean or hateful person not even towards him, everyone keeps telling me I have every right to be just awful to him, but I just can't bring myself to be that way. This is the man I loved and he has betrayed me. Each day I asked God to help me forgive him to show him we're seeing and Grace so maybe that's why I can't be hateful towards him. So I guess my question is, for those that have been cheated on or for those that have cheated, what would you write in a letter to your spouse and if you were the one that cheated would resonate with you at all if your betrayed spouse wrote you a letter?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

So I guess my question is, for those that have been cheated on or for those that have cheated, what would you write in a letter to your spouse and if you were the one that cheated would resonate with you at all if your betrayed spouse wrote you a letter?

Divorce papers.

PS, get a new therapist. This is, hands down, the worst advice I've ever heard given to anybody. That little letter can be presented to his lawyer in the divorce and be twisted to severely damage you in the divorce proceedings.

You basically give him ammunition that proves he wanted to maintain the marriage, it was you that walked away. You can say his actions drove you to leave, but it'll be he said, she said... Only he'll have a letter that proves you moved away.

It's also really, really petty. It's an attempt to get a last word in before cutting contact, not some show of strength or standing up for one's self. It's one-upmanship that you win by default because you don't give him the opportunity to express himself. If you need to do such a thing, write it, keep it, don't send it. If you need closure, confront him.

Sending him a letter is the adult equal to sliding a "dear John" into your high school boyfriend's locker. It's the exact opposite of getting your words out there, reclaiming your life, and getting closure. And like I said, it can and probably will be held against you during the divorce.

 

[Hetta]

Well I disagree on the letter, as you know. An expression of her hurt feelings at his behavior is hardly likely to be a weapon against her, but rather against him. I think that so long as she sticks to comments like "you have chosen to do this, this is how I feel about it", there's nothing there that is dangerous to her.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Well I disagree on the letter, as you know. An expression of her hurt feelings at his behavior is hardly likely to be a weapon against her, but rather against him. I think that so long as she sticks to comments like "you have chosen to do this, this is how I feel about it", there's nothing there that is dangerous to her.

Talk to a lawyer. They'd fight tooth and nail about their client leaving a letter like this. Divorces can and do often get dirty, and this can be used against her. Easily. My husband, when he was going through his divorce, took the kids to buy a card for their mother's birthday. They picked cards based on the pictures on the front. Both of those cards were given to her lawyer and entered as items to use against him during the process, proving that the date of separation and thus the amount of money she was entitled to was more. Why? Because one of the pre-printed messages in the card was about giving a gift of love on her special day, and the argument was the kids couldn't pick out the text because they were too young, nor could they pay for them, so they were addressed from him to her, as he'd done for Mother's Day and Christmas with the kids when they were together. And even though he'd moved out like a 1.5 years before, their date of separation was after the receiving of those cards, and that was an extra year he had to pay her out of his retirement, and it bumped them into the next length bracket of the tenure of the marriage and her awards increased as a result.

Divorce fights can get dirty. Something like this? It's not if it can be used against her, but how it can be used against her. Leave it and I promise you if he gets a lawyer that wants to make it look like she abandoned him, he would. Especially since there is no proof of active cheating, just chats on a site that he could say was "exploring a lifestyle" and she left after he decided not to pursue it.

Such a bad idea. Horrible idea.

 

[Hetta]

But bear in mind that there are no children, and using children like that is appalling, but we are still talking about some emotive crap used by cynical lawyers that I don't think applies in the same way for adults.

Perhaps she should get a lawyer's advice on this. NGU, did you approach a lawyer yet?

 

[notgivingup]

Yes, we are both using the same lawyer, so it will not be used against me.

 

[Hetta]

Yes, we are both using the same lawyer, so it will not be used against me.

Woah. What? That is a HUGE conflict of interest. You must get your own lawyer!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

But bear in mind that there are no children, and using children like that is appalling, but we are still talking about some emotive crap used by cynical lawyers that I don't think applies in the same way for adults.

Perhaps she should get a lawyer's advice on this. NGU, did you approach a lawyer yet?

Some lawyers can, will, and do use stuff like this all the time to get a leg up for their client. Even if it's not in their client's best interest, it's in theirs... It means they get paid more. My divorce had no kids and we didn't use lawyers, but when I did the free consult with the lawyer, the first thing she said was she wanted to see all of the letters we'd written to each other about our relationship because she wanted to see what she could use against him and what he could use against me. She said she was looking for things like "I'll always love you" or "I promised to always take care of you" to help with financial settlements, or dig through to see if she could ascribe fault to one party over the other. When I said there were letters talking about working it out and changing things to try and make me more included in the marriage, but I didn't want to use those, she. Freaked. Out.
The whole "kill or be killed, strike first and hard" attitude that we both saw from the lawyers we met with was why we went through it with no lawyers. Even in a 100% amicable divorce, the goal was to make it as brutal as possible.

I still say this is passive aggressive and very likely destructive to her during the divorce. If she wants to write something, write it and don't send it. Or if you absolutely have to send it, send it after the divorce. Doing it before? No way.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Yes, we are both using the same lawyer, so it will not be used against me.

Um... Yeah, that's not right. Get your own lawyer. Seriously. A lawyer can't be looking out for your best interests if he's looking out for your ex's best interests.

 

[Hetta]

Um... Yeah, that's not right. Get your own lawyer. Seriously. A lawyer can't be looking out for your best interests if he's looking out for your ex's best interests.

^^^ please pay attention to this NGU. We might disagree on whether you should write a letter but we're both firmly behind this. People on opposite sides of a situation should never share a lawyer.

 

[Annessa3]

actually, people can easily share a lawyer if it's an uncontested divorce with no children.
I did in Sept of 2013. There was paperwork back and forth that we each amended as needed and then attested that our agreement was as stated.

just sayin'
Annessa

 

[BigDaddy4]

I think she should write a letter but not give it to him. Be honest, dig deep, pour out the emotions, drag out all the crap he did to you, how it made you feel, what you needed from him that he failed to provide, etc.

IMO, she is looking for closure through a letter. It can be theraputic for her. It worked for me and I've heard others receive this advice too.

When it's done, find a different therapist to deal with any of the "leftover" emotional scars.

 

[Annessa3]

agree with BigDaddy-- write it, seal it. Re-read it the day the divorce is final and then burn it.

 

[BigDaddy4]

agree with BigDaddy-- write it, seal it. Re-read it the day the divorce is final and then burn it.

Yeah, that too.

 

[BigDaddy4]

actually, people can easily share a lawyer if it's an uncontested divorce with no children.
I did in Sept of 2013. There was paperwork back and forth that we each amended as needed and then attested that our agreement was as stated.

just sayin'
Annessa

I did it without ANY lawyers for my first marriage. And we had one child. It worked out fine. We were both rational, reasonable people, though. Not everyone is or acts like one during these time.

 

[dayhiker]

It makes a lot of sense to write the letter and express the emotions that have been felt thru his betrayal. I have mixed feelings as to whether to give it to him or not.

 

[mjmcmillan]

I don't know what I would write. I had a spouse that cheated and was abusive physically and verbally, but here it was in my best interest to say as little as possible and to have proof of what I did in fact say, so I only communicated what had to be communicated.

About your husband: I can't help thinking he's going to get payback and to spare before this is all said and done. It's one thing to sit in an easy-chair and daydream about having 50 kids and the number of wives that it would be necessary to have to make that happen-- but reality has a way of biting. Hard. Right now, he has one wife who is getting ready for divorce and making a life without him. Imagine having a small army of women divorcing him. 50 children--- man, think of the child support! Think of the maintenance payments to all those wives! Even Bill Gates would get wiped out with that sort of thing.

I don't know about other parts of the world, but-- here in Midwestern America, the calendar shows that it's 2014. That's AD, not BC. I'm guessing that hubby is not a sultan, emperor or great king, who can have dozens of wives without it breaking him--- and who can make rules so that the wives can't divorce him and take him to the cleaners. If hubby still has any grasp of reality in this world, he may want to re-think this. I've got a feeling that if he gets what he wants, he won't like what he gets.

 

[akmom]

I think you should write the letter for yourself, not give it to him. But I understand you feel like you need to do this. If you need to, you need to. Doesn't matter if it's a good idea or not. But just know that you will probably get a rebuttal from him, whether you want it or not, and it will probably be hurtful. Because it will reveal that he does not care what he did, the way that you need him to care. And then you will be hurt yet again.

Even though you don't communicate verbally as well, it sounds like you actually have said everything you needed to say, and he has responded the way he's going to respond. I just don't think you're going to get any kind of closure from this, the way you want. But if you can't help it, then go ahead and send the letter. Just be careful not to open his response in the mail. (And understand how terribly tempted you will be to do so.)

 

[Svt4Him]

[FONT=&quot]“ Dear X, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]This letter is for the purpose of reconciliation. I need to move forward with my life and request that you respond to my letter within a week. Please note, this is very important to me that you do that… [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Following is a list of hurts that you have caused me, and this is the damage that I have suffered:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You were my best friend, and we have known each other for more than x years. When you lied to me, I lost my trust in what friendship and loyalty is supposed to look like. I now find it hard to trust people. I feel as if I will never be able to trust people any more. I was also deeply hurt by the betrayal that I have experienced….. Please let me know how do you think you can make this right? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] I am waiting to hear from you. Thank you….”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

Or something like that.

 

[Svt4Him]

I should add reconciliation is similar to what I do in a bank statement- it doesn't mean get back together, it just means to balance it.