Worst Reason You Got Broken Up With

blackribbon · Nov 20, 2015

Carolina....looking back can you see some warning signs that you overlooked? Or was it really out of thin air? Personally, I am a bit wary of relationships that never have any conflict...usually someone is always backing down and eventually, it will boil to the top. Also, if you never have conflict while dating...how do you know how the two of you will handle it when married because there is no way you can go an entire lifetime without some sort of disagreement.

(Please know I do feel empathy and it hurts when people do this to you...I do believe he blindsided you unfairly.)

sundewgrower · Nov 20, 2015

blackribbon said:
Carolina....looking back can you see some warning signs that you overlooked? Or was it really out of thin air? Personally, I am a bit wary of relationships that never have any conflict...usually someone is always backing down and eventually, it will boil to the top. Also, if you never have conflict while dating...how do you know how the two of you will handle it when married because there is no way you can go an entire lifetime without some sort of disagreement.

(Please know I do feel empathy and it hurts when people do this to you...I do believe he blindsided you unfairly.)

That's an interesting perspective and I'm curious to see the answer to the situation mentioned here.

blackribbon · Nov 20, 2015

William67 said:
That's unfortunate.

This is also why so many Christian young women give up their virginity before marriage. They believe that the man loves them and what does it really matter if they wait if they are going to get married anyway. They are also taught that men can't control themselves so this man's lust must be my fault in some way and if I really love him, I won't make him suffer so much....and what does it matter if we are going to get married anyway......

After being fooled once, (because men who really intend to marry a woman are willing to wait), they start to feel "dirty" and foolish and assume that is the only way they are going to get a man to love them. They really aren't usually as "trashy" as you tend to assume they are but they are desperate to be loved and society has taught them that sex=love. Unfortunately, if it is known that they are no longer "pure", the church also tends to treat them like they don't deserved to be loved in a sanctified way either. So they are completely loved starved.

William67 · Nov 20, 2015

blackribbon said:
This is also why so many Christian young women give up their virginity before marriage. They believe that the man loves them and what does it really matter if they wait if they are going to get married anyway. They are also taught that men can't control themselves so this man's lust must be my fault in some way and if I really love him, I won't make him suffer so much....and what does it matter if we are going to get married anyway......

After being fooled once, (because men who really intend to marry a woman are willing to wait), they start to feel "dirty" and foolish and assume that is the only way they are going to get a man to love them. They really aren't usually as "trashy" as you tend to assume they are but they are desperate to be loved and society has taught them that sex=love. Unfortunately, if it is known that they are no longer "pure", the church also tends to treat them like they don't deserved to be loved in a sanctified way either. So they are completely loved starved.

Would I prefer to marry a virgin, like myself? Yes. But realistically, I know the chances of that are slim to none. The only women I refused to date are those who have been divorced. But, we have hashed and rehashed that over and over.

CCHIPSS · Nov 20, 2015

blackribbon said:
Always watch how the person you love (male or female) behaves when you are not around or their attitudes toward other people. Watch how other people react to him/her. Statements like "I am so happy that someone finally got him to settle down" or "you make her a better woman" are red flags to be explored further. Take your love glasses off and really watch the person you love from time to time...like an outsider would look at him/her.

My mother always told me to ask my serious dating partners if they would do this or that for me (usually behavioral changes). The willingness to change was how she measured "love", I guess. I always refused to ask because I wanted to see change that was self-initiated and not just change to please me because I didn't want temporary change. I will say this, my way works better.

I would extend that further and observe how he talks about his family and his friends. Does he always trash talk his family and friends? Does he always blame others and never blame himself? Big red flags in my opinion.

On the other hand, it is highly positive if he tries his best to praise his family and friends. Even when he is talking about a mistake that these people made, does he try his best to defend them and try to explain why they did what they did. And when talking about himself, does he tend to blame himself instead of others? And does he often mention how grateful he is that God has forgiven him of all of his mistakes? These are very good signs in my book.

Humble and humility are signs of a true Christian. That's the first step of loving others just as Jesus commended us to. We love others because Jesus first loved our fallen selves. =)

leothelioness · Nov 20, 2015

Just reading though this thread makes me so glad I've never had to go though this.

I've always said I hope the first one sticks because I'm not sure I could handle a breakup.

leothelioness · Nov 20, 2015

blackribbon said:
This is also why so many Christian young women give up their virginity before marriage. They believe that the man loves them and what does it really matter if they wait if they are going to get married anyway. They are also taught that men can't control themselves so this man's lust must be my fault in some way and if I really love him, I won't make him suffer so much....and what does it matter if we are going to get married anyway......

After being fooled once, (because men who really intend to marry a woman are willing to wait), they start to feel "dirty" and foolish and assume that is the only way they are going to get a man to love them. They really aren't usually as "trashy" as you tend to assume they are but they are desperate to be loved and society has taught them that sex=love. Unfortunately, if it is known that they are no longer "pure", the church also tends to treat them like they don't deserved to be loved in a sanctified way either. So they are completely loved starved.

I think for some women they just don't care. They give up their virginity before marriage because they don't think there's anything wrong with it. I thought that way once, too, but thankfully God has redeemed me to think and feel differently about it. I wouldn't ever want to sin against God and have that on me.

Owlette · Nov 20, 2015

Miss Spaulding · Nov 20, 2015

Sheesh. Some of y'all have really gone through some crap.

Miss Spaulding · Nov 20, 2015

The only thing I can think of in regards to why someone wouldn't want to date me, besides finding me unattractive I guess, is that I'm too quiet.

^Which is probably why I'm only guessing because nobody approaches me due mostly to my quietness. Haha #losing

leothelioness · Nov 20, 2015

Miss Spaulding said:
The only thing I can think of in regards to why someone wouldn't want to date me, besides finding me unattractive I guess, is that I'm too quiet.

^Which is probably why I'm only guessing because nobody approaches me due mostly to my quietness. Haha #losing

Same here. I'm actually pretty shy until I get to know someone, so I know my quietness is off putting. Not to mention I've got a bad case of RBF.

LadyOfMystery · Nov 20, 2015

leothelioness said:
Same here. I'm actually pretty shy until I get to know someone, so I know my quietness is off putting. Not to mention I've got a bad case of RBF.

This made me laugh a little too hard. I need sleep. Lol

Miss Spaulding · Nov 20, 2015

It's always so nice to know you're not alone.

Goodbook · Nov 20, 2015

Dont go out with anybody who doesnt seem to have any friends or family. Big red flag.

Miss Spaulding · Nov 21, 2015

Goodbook said:
Dont go out with anybody who doesnt seem to have any friends or family. Big red flag.

Well, I do have family...but friends (IRL anyway), pretty much no. So by your standards I'll probably be single forever.

Just because someone has little to no friends and family doesn't make them necessarily weird and someone you should stay away from. Lol I mean, it does make you wonder, sure, but there are a hundred different reasons to explain why he/she is such a loner.

LadyOfMystery · Nov 21, 2015

blackribbon said:
Carolina....looking back can you see some warning signs that you overlooked? Or was it really out of thin air? Personally, I am a bit wary of relationships that never have any conflict...usually someone is always backing down and eventually, it will boil to the top. Also, if you never have conflict while dating...how do you know how the two of you will handle it when married because there is no way you can go an entire lifetime without some sort of disagreement.

(Please know I do feel empathy and it hurts when people do this to you...I do believe he blindsided you unfairly.)

So sorry I am late replying to this, I honestly did not see this until just now.

The reason we never had any conflicts is because we were so much alike, we agreed on all the big stuff. Everything else just didn't seem to matter.

Looking back I do see some warning signs, but honestly I stilll feel it was out of thin air that he broke up with me. The warning signs I see now aren't necessarily ones that would lead me to the conclusion that he was going to break up with me.

We had disagreements, but we didn't get mad at each other over them. We talked through things, we had long conversations about whatever was on our minds. I never felt uncomfortable to come talk to him about anything on my mind. And the things I felt frustrated over - well... He would explain them so well, it would make sense and I had no reason to be frustrated.

I felt like when we got married we would have a strong relationship because ours had a foundation of talking things out and God. *Shrugs* Lol

RayofSun · Nov 21, 2015

Miss Spaulding said:
Well, I do have family...but friends (IRL anyway), pretty much no. So by your standards I'll probably be single forever.

Just because someone has little to no friends and family doesn't make them necessarily weird and someone you should stay away from. Lol I mean, it does make you wonder, sure, but there are a hundred different reasons to explain why he/she is such a loner.

I agree that it's definitely not a reason to write someone off completely, because as you pointed out there are legitimate reasons for someone not being the life of the party or having family gatherings all the time. But... in my experience, it has also been kind of a flag. Maybe not red, but a yellow? Sure.
I can't describe why it's worrisome exactly, but this has just proven to be true. I think someone's friends or family does say a lot about them. Maybe not describing them perfectly (you may really dislike your family for that matter), but gives a good idea of who they are.

LadyOfMystery · Nov 21, 2015

I have no family to speak of. Just my Mom. I have only friends I've met on the internet. I hope that this does not deter one from dating me and they date me for who I am, and not who I associate, or don't associate with.

Goodbook · Nov 21, 2015

In my experience somebody who doesnt talk about their family at all my have something to hide.
While I dont always get along with my family members, I still love them and acknowledge them and he ought to as well.

As for friends, you cannot be your dates ONLY friend as thats unhealthy. It is often tempting to be THAT person, but if he doesnt have a friend in Jesus, apart from you...that also is a red flag.

Goodbook · Nov 21, 2015

Church family? You have a church family dont you? People you fellowship with or come to see you? Sorry, but if its just you mum, but you would talk about your heavely father and your brothers and sisters in christ also.

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