Worry about job

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi friends... I come to you once again seeking some advice on how to handle these worries.

I used to work for a company that managed based on fear. I was having panic attacks and general anxiety for about six months before I left and got another job doing what I really want to be doing - a technical writer for a software company. I've now been there for almost 2.5 years.

I receive good reviews and good comments from my peers/managers. Everyone says I do a really good job. I know I am an intelligent person. The problem is, when I make a mistake (as we all make mistakes!) I worry excessively that I am going to get fired for it. I think this is just overlap from my last job where any mistake could get you fired.

Logically I know that people make mistakes and that it's good to learn from mistakes. A few things have happened recently that have set off the "what if I get fired??" obsessive, fearful thoughts. One, my company let go someone who I thought was doing a good job, but apparently not. Hearing a little more about it, she knew she was getting let go, was miserable, didn't really have an attitude of learning and didn't seem to grasp the technical knowledge or really have a desire to learn it. Ok, sounds like a reasonable and justified termination. But then I worry that if/when I make a mistake, it will be because I don't have enough "technical knowledge," and they will fire me because of it. My employer would essentially be like, you suck at your job, so you're fired.

Second, I think I am paranoid, but in my weekly department meetings, one time I was skipped over to give my update, and another time it was just an afterthought for my update. I start worrying that they're planning on replacing me and that's why my boss didn't ask for my update. Logically I know this is a little silly - sometimes, people just aren't asked for updates. I just feel like I look at everything under a microscope and see it as either reassurance that I will keep my job, or proof that I'm going to lose it.

I know people say - so what if you get fired, what's the big deal? It is a really big deal. We could afford our house and all that, but being rejected, being a failure, getting fired, etc. is a huge embarassment. In this economy, how would I find a job? I know I'm putting the cart before the horse here, but you know us anxious types, we tend to go for worst-case scenarios!

I guess I'm just asking for advice on how to deal with these what-if's. I feel like this has to do with OCD, and yet feels different. Should I say to myself, so what if I get fired? Expose myself to fearful situations - perhaps journal about what it would be like to get fired?

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Sad...really sorry you're going throught this! I think I can relate to what you're saying...I get really worried about making a mistake or if I've made a mistake then can feel terrible about it. I think I feel a pressure to perform at 110% just so there's no room for people to say I'm lazy or not doing well. It's a tough one cos like with so many OCD issues these are things other people can worry about but I think with OCD it's the extent to which the worry and the paranoia take us that makes it different. I too can worry about how someone elses bahaviour may be indicative of how they view me but being overlooked can be down to all sorts of reasons other than you not being good at your job...such as them being not that good at leading meetings, or them having had an argument before they led the meeting...etc, etc. One thing that may help is to ask your boss for a review...you could say you're keen to perform your best for the company and would like to have an appraisal to discuss your performance. I think most bosses would be impressed at that request and it might be exactly what you need to have some concrete evidence of how you're doing. I know theres the risk there may be things you need to work on but in light of what you've said it sounds like they'd also be very pleased with how your doing...and I don't know about you but I'd rather KNOW the worst rather than fear it cos usually what we fear is worse than reality. Then, when the OCD attacks, as you know with other stuff the tempation may be to seek another appraisal...but I guess that's where the tough bit comes in and you say "no, one apraisal is enough...any more is unhelpful reasurrance seeking!"

I know you said this one felt a bit different...do you think that is a real evaluation or is it OCD's clever little way to dupe you into dealing with it not as OCD? I'm only asking not to say you're wrong in what you say but just wondering cos I know how OCD likes to play dirty!

I'm not sure if that will help at all...it's not allways easy to get accross in a post what you mean...if I've made no sense whatsoever then please do say and I'll try and be a bit clearer. Really hoe and pray you get some helpful responses and some encouragement re this soon...take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Sad, I can totally relate to your post. Been there. Done that...and with the US economy in the mess it is in, it's easy to fall into a "worrying pit."

I don't know if this will be helpful, but it helps me when I get spinning out of control with the "what ifs" some of the scriptural admonitions about worry. You know such as Phillipians 4:6 KJV which exhorts us to "Be anxious for nothing..." and the scriptures in the gospels where Jesus exhorts us also to not worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34 KJV) and reminds us that the Father clothes the lilies of the field. (Matthew 6:28 KJV) These scriptures don't seem to help much when I'm in a "religious" OCD tailspin, but for whatever reason, they do seem to be able to "re-focus me" so to speak, when I get overly concerned about what I would term more "real life" issues such as provision, job security etc.

I do feel that the excessive worrrying and "what ifs" about this is likely also a form of OCD spinning out of control. For me, this type of thing, again, is more easily reigned in just by remembering that the Lord would have us not worry, but rather trust in His provision and care for our lives.

Prayers for you today, Sad.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi guys. Thanks for your help. I worried a lot about this last night - worrying that I am not good enough or can't keep up. I recently had a review in September (same as "appraisal", I guess, Rachel!) and my boss had all good things to say. My friend who is a manager told me I don't have anything to worry about, so that helped. One reason I feel it's OCD is because OCD has this tendency to scan for things that will support its argument, you know, like that one time I didn't feel saved or that one time I read something about blasphemy, then it takes those times and uses it as proof for supporting your fears. I feel it is doing this with my job worries. Taking little incidents or coincidences that in reality mean nothing, but when blown up with the OCD microscope, seem scary and convincing.

On the other hand there is a fine line between rational and irrational. Is it rational to worry about losing my job when the economy is bad? Part of me says yes. I worry all the time about losing our jobs or something happening and not being able to afford our house. It's like I can't help but play the "what if" game and it seems to affect me in a lot of different areas.

Last night I thought to myself, if something IS up with my job, and this is not just irrational worry, all I can do is go in and do my best and trust that God is in control. That is all that is asked of me. I also realized that if I spend my time worrying about this, I'm not spending my time doing something more productive.

I'm also studiying for my comprehensive exams in 3 weeks that will determine if I graduate with my Masters or not, so I am WAY stressed right now. Kaykay I think you're right in that part of what is bothering me is that I feel so out of control about everything. I feel like I am constantly battling taking control of everything myself, and letting go and letting God take control.

 

[MandyG]

Hi SAD,
I am so sorry to hear you are stressed out. That seems to be the time that OCD will find a way to attack the worst when we are under a lot of pressure. I know that I struggled for years about the "Loosing my job" obsession until the OCD morphed into a different topic (mind you at that time I didn't realize it was OCD, but looking back, man it totally consumed me for quite awhile). My Dad, an undiagnosed classic/pure-o OCD sufferer, to this day spends every waking hour obsessing about his job: if he does a good enough job, if they like him, if they are going to fire him, ect. He has done this with each job he has ever had be his finance job, collections, or currently as a mail man. It is all he talks about!! (I have yet to let him know everything I have learned about OCD and how he may need to get help too....) I believe that work is a HUGE topic that OCD can attack you with. I am not an expert by any means yet, but I would say that you should treat this as you would OCD and do what works for you to overcome!! God Bless you and I hope you all have a super evening!!
-Mandy

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Sad...ditto to Mandy's advice above How are you doing at the moment? Better I hope...take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hey girls, thanks for the advice. I was doing better after getting some reassurance (I am BAD! Shame on me! ) from some coworkers. Feeling productive and like I was doing well.

Today I am back to worrying. I came into work and logged into my computer. Yesterday I was browsing the network looking for a training video and had the network folder up. When I logged in today the same folder was up but at a different location and I can't remember if it was the same folder location that I was at yesterday. of course I feel extremely paranoid/anxious that someone was browsing around on my computer and I'm going to get fired today! Not that I have anything to hide, but more like, what if they are making sure they can get to my documents since they are going to let me go! I feel sick to my stomach with worry.

I feel this is completely rational to worry about (don't we always feel like it's a legitimate and rational thing to worry about with OCD?), but I am trying my best to just let it go and work hard today.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Hey girls, thanks for the advice. I was doing better after getting some reassurance (I am BAD! Shame on me! ) from some coworkers. Feeling productive and like I was doing well.

Today I am back to worrying. I came into work and logged into my computer. Yesterday I was browsing the network looking for a training video and had the network folder up. When I logged in today the same folder was up but at a different location and I can't remember if it was the same folder location that I was at yesterday. of course I feel extremely paranoid/anxious that someone was browsing around on my computer and I'm going to get fired today! Not that I have anything to hide, but more like, what if they are making sure they can get to my documents since they are going to let me go! I feel sick to my stomach with worry.

I feel this is completely rational to worry about (don't we always feel like it's a legitimate and rational thing to worry about with OCD?), but I am trying my best to just let it go and work hard today.

Try to let it go, Sad. In this economy, yes, it can be rational to be concerned about our jobs, but again...Jesus said not to worry about our provision~that our Heavenly Father knows our needs. So for a Christian, it may be rational and natural to worry about this, but we need to kick our faith up a level here.

And frankly, I think it might help for you to look at it this way, too, hon~~
if they fire people that easily there, do you really WANT to continue working for them? Just a thought. But I do suspect this is OCD talking here more than likely. Athough this is something that sometimes even people without OCD get in a tizzy about. I remember one time a few years ago my husband's boss set up a meeting the next day with him and the other head honchos and my husband was afraid the meeting was to let him go. His best friend tried to reassure him by telling him that usually for a firing the "honchos" aren't all present. They usually just make one do the "dirty work" so to speak. And turns out, it wasn't about firing at all. He was totally worrying needlessly. So even "non OCD prone" people can get caught up in this type of fear, but it's usually nothing to worry about.

But again, the bottom line is this~~the Lord is our source, not our employer, not the economy etc......Our peace ultimately has to rest here.

Prayers for your peace today....

 

[RachelZ]

Hey Sad...glad you felt better for a while but sorry it's hit you again...that I guess might be a clue that this is mostly if not all an OCD issue. I think as KayKay said people can get stressed about these issues and that can be perfectly understandable when so much is at stake where work is concerned. But the fact that you were OK after reassurance and then a seemingly small thing set you off again might indicate that treating this like OCD is the best way forward. Yes worrying about work can be rational but when it starts to smell like OCD even what may have started out as rational can get caught up in spiking and ruminating. As with other issues I guess the hard work ahead is to try and treat is as OCD with our help if needed and then let it go with the understanding that when you feel better then any issues left will still be there to deal with but from a more clear headed and rational perspective. Hope that makes sense...I know it sounds simplistic and I know it's actually really hard to do but I pray you will get the wisdom and strength you need...I KNOW you have it in you...please know where here if you need us...take care, Rachel