Wobbling!

[RachelZ]

Hi...haven't been round much recently...mainly because I've been doing better but also because I don't find it that easy to get time on the PC and the forum. One hubby, one 17 month old and one dog seem to keep me pretty busy plus some studying as well. I say that cos I feel a bit bad coming on for help when I don't give much back...I'd love to be able to more.

I have been doing better and when the thoughts and feelings start to rise up I've been trying to deal with them by telling myself "that's OCD thinking!" and then moving on to something else. I'm finding I can do this better than saying "that's OCD" cos I then start analysing and what iffing about whether there is anything true behind the thoughts and feelings. By attributing the thinking itself to OCD I don't get into the same wrangle cos I'm not saying there's nothing about this thought that might be true...just that the way I'm thinking about it is OCD so not worth pursuing. I don't know if any of that will make any sense...and I don't know whether it's the best way to deal with this disorder...but it does seem to have helped.

But now I feel I'm wobbling...it's like there's a fly in my brain that I'm trying to ignore but at some point it could turn into a swarm and pull me back down. Then I'm thinking well maybe that shows there is something behind the thoughts and feelings after all...I mean how do you know the difference between what's OCD and what is the normal suppression that people without OCD do when they're trying to run away from the truth?

Another thing that is bothering me is my relationship with God...although often it doen't feel like I can call it a relationship. I find it so hard to stay focussed praying and seem to be forever stumbling over a feeling of something not being right between me and Him. I was thinking about it last weekend...Saturday I think...and was telling Him I think, (if I remember rightly,) that I find it so hard to trust Him now. Like years ago I think I trusted Him more but years and years of begging Him for some relief in the midst of various tormenting times and feeling like I got none has left me feeling like all I had faith in happening in times of difficulty didn't happen. I don't know how I'm supposed to trust in the peace He brings when you're in stormy times when I didn't seem to get much if any at times. I don't know how to make sense of that...I'm not trying to have a go at God...I just can't ignore what I've experienced and leap about in genuine praise. I also get hung up about seeing Him as a father which I know is supposed to be a helpful way of viewing Him but it just compounds my sense of guilt and of being wrong. Please don't get me wrong...God has been very good to me...and I'll prolly feel guilty writing what I have...it's just I can't get over this and don't know how to continue on my walk with Him in a positive and healthy way. All I do know is that I am nowhere near living the kind of Christian life I want to. Anyway, I asked God to speak to me about it at church the day after I'd been thinking about it and trust was bought up in that we can trust God and also about Him being our Father...but I don't know if that was really God speaking to me or just me attributing anything that was said that might fit to Him because of my desire to hear Him The thing is...even if it was God I don't feel loads better cos I know I SHOULD trust Him and that Him being my Father SHOULD make me feel good but mostly it doesn't. Sorry I don't even know if this is the right place to be writing this on the forum but I do think the OCD has impacted my faith...when I got my diagnosis it made sense of how I struggled praying and reading my bible. I'll so often feel condemned by what I read...I had to give up using daily notes cos I was getting so anxious about what I'd read. I long to get to a place where I feel I can truly say I love God and that He loves me...I long to be a wife and mum who can spiritually nurture my family but I can't. If I take this to God I will prolly end up feeling guilty and fearful...I don't think other Christians can really get where I'm coming from...just wondering if anyone has any ideas?

Sorry this is such a long post...hope you're all doing OK...special hugs to Sad and Gracealone who have helped me so much...I really hope you're both doing well...thanks for reading...take care, Rachel.

 

[BeccaLynn]

Rachel,

I know so well about what you mean when you ask, "what is ocd, and what is just wanting to run from the truth?". That's the question that can sure send ocder's into overdrive. When we FEEL a certain way about something, then it seems the thing we fear must be the truth, or at least there's a truth to it somewhere inside of us. I understand about the relationship with God being a struggle when it seems there's a wall between you and God, a distance that no prayer seems to penetrate. But in reality, I struggle in my relationship with my husband and my child as well. Sometimes I feel close, but more than not, I feel distanced in my mind. I just keep going through the motions though. I think when we deal with this, we have to go by what God says rather than what we feel, and not try to analyze it. It can be analyzed in so many ways, and when I do this, I and my family suffer because I seem to be completely absorbed in it all. I also wonder, did you have or do you have a good relationship with your dad? That can really affect how we view God as a heavenly father. I struggled terribly with anger towards God and feeling victimized by Him until I began to see that my view of Him was so distorted by my feelings and misconceptions. God understands us and, even when you don't feel like it, He's listening to every word you say. I'll pray for you.

Love,
Rebecca

 

[babegirl111]

I will be praying for you. Here is a big HUG!!

 

[kaykay55]

I can relate really well to what you posted. I think it is one component of OCD to really analyze our relationship with the Lord, but like most things with OCD, what can be a good thing can go too far with OCD. Am I making sense here? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think a lot of us that battle religious OCD are prone to OVER analyze our own spirituality. And yes, with OCD, part of the battle is recognizeing what IS OCD. I think that MAY be where you are. Sometimes it's best just to keep walking and not think so much. Otherwise, it can turn into just another OCD battle.

Hope that doesn't sound offensive. Just some thoughts from where I've been with things. Prayers~~

 

[stalag]

Hello Wobbling, I often feel that way, why hasn't God helped, or why doesn't He help. I especially did not want to turn back to God after 17 years as an alcoholic because of the horrible suffering with OCD I had as a 9-14 year old until I became an alcoholic. Thinking of giving my soul to the devil as a 9 year old, and wanting to run out in front of a car after confession, so that the thought could not get through my head before I died, so I wouldn't go to hell.

I think it would be easier to give up my faith if the OCD wasn't at a plus 10 constantly. Now my OCD concerns putting a curse on my beloved son, with the other son's presence as a trigger. There by killing two birds with one stone, and ruining, to say the least, both my relationships with both son's and supplying torture in mass.

One night when I wanted to desparately give up seeking God, I asked for something that would show I wasn't alone. I opened an old pamphlet on John Knox. He was a Christian captured and made a galley slave back in the 1500-1600's. He stated our experience exactly. He did not have any faith in God. I couldn't believe the seemingly bad things a father of the faith said about God. If you read Job I can't believe the seemingly bad things he said about God not coming thru. Also David in the Psalm's said some bad things about God not coming thru. I don't understand why such torture for us, when Donald Trump seems so happy. But we are not the first to totally be in disbelief that God is not helping us. I don't understand where His help is. He says my banner over you is love. Stalag

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Rebecca, Babegirl, KayKay and Stalag for your replies...I know I allways seem to say this but they really are muchly appreciated!

It's really good to know you can relate Rebecca...it is helpful to know others feel like this too though for your sake I'm sorry you do! Thank you for praying...

Thank Babegirl for the hug and the prayers...both are allways good!!

Thanks Kaykay...again, knowing others can relate to where I'm coming from does help. Yes I certainly do over analyse things...that's a real bummer when you're reading the bible and feel like you're being condemned and rebuked a lot. What you said certainly didn't sound offensive...not thinking too much is definitely a good aim for dealing with OCD!! I'm trying on that one...

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time Stalag and that you battle with similar feelings. You're right in that people in the bible were honest with God and I think He'd rather that...I guess something else to take from that is that reading about their lives it's easier to see God coming through for them and loving them...we lack the overall picture...that said it's still hard...but what you quoted about His banner over us being love is a beautiful picture! Thanks for your openess and honesty!

Thanks again to you all...I really hope I can work through this soon...I don't want to waste my life and look back and regret I didn't live how God wanted me to. Hope you all have a good weekend...take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hello Rachel! Boy I can really relate to that "fly" feeling. To me it's almost like a physical sensation that is pulling me to obsess about something. It's a tough thing to deal with. I haven't really found a good remedy in this situation except for good old distraction, and just being forceful with your brain. I don't know if I have ever used this analogy on here before, but my therapist once said that OCD is like a naughty child that needs to be sent to the corner. When a child is sent to the corner, what do they do? The sit and whine and try to get you to pay attention to it - which is exactly what OCD does!

Secondly, I too have a hard time concentrating when I'm praying. I feel I get distracted very easily. I think this is just maybe a result of us having a creative, overactive brain! I don't know about you but I always seem to have something going on up there, I am always thinking about SOMETHING. And my OCD loves to prey on that because I never feel "sorry enough" or "sincere enough" in my prayers, so I have to repeat them until I get those feelings right. Boy it started driving my OCD nuts when I refused to pray more than once.

Something that has helped me is keeping a prayer journal. Writing down my prayers doesn't make them less effective, or less of a prayer, just because I'm not in the traditional head bowed, eyes closed, hands folded prayer pose. It does help me stay focused, and express my feelings and concerns towards God better than I can with traditional ways of praying. I think of prayer as my alone time with God, my conversation with him that no one else can hear, my time to pour out all my hurts, fears, concerns, joys and ask for help. Talking to God candidly, instead of trying to be reverant in my prayers, helped me develop that sort of relationship with Him.

Don't underestimate the power of prayer. Pray for the very things you're concerned about - not feeling close to Him, not feeling like he is your Father. When my religious obsessions were really bad, the only prayer I could pray was "Lord, please don't let go of your grasp on me." It was torture to pray anything beyond that, because my OCD would take over with horrible intrusive thoughts.

Someone wrote this to me when my religious OCD first came on:

If you put your faith in your faith, then you will probably fall flat on your face! Our faith must be in God Himself, not in our own beliefs or feelings. Imagine a little child walking along the top of a wall while holding his father's hand. The thing that is stopping the child from falling off the wall is not the strength of the child's grip on his father but the strength of the father's grip on his child. Did you become a Christian by your own efforts and ability, or was it something God caused to happen in you? If it was God, then there is no need to worry because He does not waste time starting a job without completing it. If God gave you faith to believe in Jesus Christ at your conversion, then He will continue giving you faith to the end.

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6)

He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 1:8)

I hope this helps. I am praying for you, my dear.

 

[kaykay55]

Interesting about the "fly" analogy. My counselor said that she used to be aware of a children's book about kids battling OCD called OCD Fly. She had not been able to find it recently, however. So I guess OCD is like an annoying fly sometimes!

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks ever so much Sad and Kay...seems the fly thing is something others experience too!

Thanks for your prayers and all you said Sad...it's so helpful to have people's take on this who I know really understand! I did used to write letter style prayers to God...maybe I should start again. And you're right, maybe I need to just be praying for what I need in the here and now...I guess I do try and do that but maybe I need to really focus on a couple of specific things and keep at it. Being persistant...as the parable says. (Think it was a parable.) It seems so hard to trust God but like you say I h ave to rely on Him to help me do that, not my own inner resources...good job really!

Thanks Sad...you talk so much sense...think you should emmigrate so at least I can make you a cuppa whilst you talk! :o) Hope you have a great weekend and that you're doing well OCD wise...and in other ways too.

Take care and to you Kaykay too...hugs, Rachel