Without hope.

[Virinix]

I've looked around and its hard to find people that care about this sort of thing. Im trying to decide what to do.

Im 23 now. When I was 17 a long-term girlfriend I had (while pregnant with our kid) was killed in a car accident. I now live alone, have no friends, have taken to complete seclusion and work on scientific research of my own. I feel I havn't healed at all over the years, I still mourn her everyday, and though times tend to be better or worse over time, Ive found the first thoughts of suicide are finally taking root.

I tried in the past with counselling and talking with a shrink, but Ive closed myself off to a degree Im totally immune to anything these people say. I feel like im living a half-life, just existing until the day of my death finally comes. Ive found that I've built such a strong emotional shield to anything at all. I read about people being killed, it doesn't evoke a real emotion either way. My grandfather and aunt passed away in the last couple years, and It never bothered me at all.

I avoid all social situations, avoid any kind of communication with anybody except my family, and time have given me a very deceptive shield so my family barely realizes anything is wrong.

Though plans and thoughts of suicide are slowly taking more and more of my time, It wasn't until now that I disliked the idea at all. It feels like more of a freedom, infact it gives me hope to think this will all end. I think of her all those years ago, how happy I was, how she cared for me, and thats when the only thoughts of sadness and remorse come back. Otherwise I feel nothing.

After doing some research I've come to realize that psychologically im going down a road that I'll never come back from unless I do something. In some ways I feel sociopathic, but for the most part Ive got such a degree of malaise and apathy about life that suicide doesn't scare me at all. Im more worried about how im going to do it so it doesn't inconvenience anyone else. Like a self-cremation or somesuch.

Being a fallen christian myself, I realize what hope there would be for me in that life once again. Though I've tried to seek comfort from the bible, it simply means nothing to me anymore. I feel Ive fallen into a spiritual trap so deep that I cannot get out. Sometimes I even dread the thought of going to heaven, and I dont really know why.

This is the first time Ive ever made a post like this. I feel partly it is a last call for support/advice from people who know better, with hope. I know deep down my fiancee wouldnt have wanted any of this, but I simply dont know how to get out anymore. Ive given up. In a way its like being dead already.

I do find on a level I enjoy talking with people. I think because for a short while I feel like my life is something more than metaphysics and calculus. Id love to talk to anybody.

 

[Jody7818]

Hey bro...

I know that pain your feeling has got to be tough. I know if my girlfriend was to die, then I'd be heartbroken. But life is short enough as it is. Don't end it so quickly. Be strong and fight back. Don't let those depressing thoughts get into your head. Occupy your mind with something else.

I know it may be tough for you to do, but tell your family the feelings your having. At one time, I was close to having suicidal thoughts myself. I used to think to myself "would if I just drove my truck off the road?" When I did this, I immediately started talking to my mom and dad. Talk to someone close who will listen to you.

You said that you are a fallen Christian. Now is a good time to get back with God. He will accept you back...no matter what. There is a void in your life...and you need God to fill it. Don't let the spirit of depression fill that void. There is nothing good that can come from that spirit. God will fill that void if you let Him. Just ask Him right now to do it...

I remember a man in the Bible who lost his whole family. His name was Job. Do you remember what Job did? His wife told him to curse God. But he didn't do this. He prayed instead. Imagine how depressed Job was. If it can work for Job, then it will work for you. God is the same now as He was back then. Pray to God and he will answer you. I promise.

I'll be praying for you as well.

 

[£amb]

I am very sorry for you loss.


2 Cor. 1:3-5 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

 

[Virinix]

I do recall the story of Job, though vaguely. It still amazes me how the bible seems to have a similar story for many situations.

Ive been playing with the idea for a very long time on how to tell my mother. Either I've been very good at hiding all of this, or she has accepted how I am as normal. I don't know, but like most families mine is not without it's backstabbers. When my girlfriend (and I always think of the child we would have had as a daughter) passed there were some family members who did not support me at all. My stepfather, for one, not only scoffed at my pain but went as far to suggest to my mother that I was doing it for attention (depression). And to a degree my Mother eventually, persuaded by him, started to treat me likewise as well. I have never felt any kind of safe 'talking' refuge with either of them, as my stepfather more than ever has become a totally bitter person who does not support anybody in pain. He is from southern US, a big fellow who believes 'pain is weak'.

Opening the can a little more, this is also what lead me away from God. You see, he is also two-faced like myself. He is a highly respected member of my old church. He puts on one face while at church and for them, and a totally different one for when he isn't around those people. He treats family (and anybody) in public like they do not matter.

If I seriously talk to my Mother it would be fine until she talked to him about it (and she always does). As in the past, he would rationalize not supporting me using bible scripture. At least from what im told second hand (as he would never say it to my face) he uses my defection from the church as a total basis, and even twists certain bible verses to support, that I am a lost cause.

Now I may be a fallen christian, but I know very well this is not Christian attitude.

But regardless, I'm on my own.

I appreciate your guys's kind words. Ive found just talking about it has helped me alot. It has been years since I've talked about it openly at all, to anybody.

 

[bethdinsmore]

Hi friend -
I'm so sorry for your tremendous pain that has led you to apathy and suicidal thoughts.

Here are things that have been helpful to others I know:
Christian accountability partners
Christian counseling
suicide hotline
Christian psychiatric hospital (especially for those who think they might commit suicide at any time)
Christian recovery group, such as Overcomers Outreach (where you would find that many understood you very well)
(And I don't mean to bite off all these chunks at once).

Having led many Christian recovery groups, I wouldn't be surprised that many things in your past have led to you not being able to complete the grieving process. I am praying that you will reach out for help. You can learn how to let go and let God, in actual steps, one day at a time. And God can use all this pain of yours to strengthen you and to help others. Inch by inch.... It is so worth it.

Even if you feel hopeless, it doesn't mean that you ARE hopeless. Try it, you'll see.

Also, you might want to look at and perhaps post in the Recovery Forum in here, in the rooms for general problems or there might be one for suicide or grief.

God bless you, friend. I'll be praying for you. Though I didn't have grief to deal with, if you're interested in seeing ways God dealt with me in my recovery, see my website on my profile page.

Aloha in Jesus
P.S. not sure what you mean by "fallen Christian". You might want to also read "How to be saved" in my website.

 

[Stinker]

Virinix:

You have fallen into a depression. Now you must crawl your way back out. God will be with you with each movement. No matter how unnatural it feels you must get back to God. It will get easier with each next step. Even if you cannot see just keep doing the things that you know God wants you to do. Eventually you will see and it will be so well worth it!

 

[Windmill]

SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION.
​

The bible makes it clear. If you dare to commit suicide, you will not go to heaven!!!!!This immediately makes it clear that suicide is NOT an option.

Good, now that thats out of the way, you now realise that you need to do something about your current situation. Have you taken ANY medical advise? Your health is the most important thing to you, you must do all within your power to gain it back!

 

[fleurlucinta]

Hi Virinix,



I must admit, I’m not sure how to comfort you. At least not how to comfort you in exactly the way you need. I could try and tell you what I think is good advice, have good motives for what I say, and still not be any help. I feel like I want so much to be able to say the words that will free you from this pain you have been going through, but I don’t know what those words are. There is only one thing I am sure of - I do know that there is a God that loves you. A God that sent His only Son to die for you, so that you can live in freedom from this pain. He wants so much to heal you. He wants to wrap you up in His love and teach you how to feel joy again. To teach you how to do all of the things that you have not been able to do because of this paralysing pain. He wants to reveal to you His will, and show you that in His Son there is hope.



You say that you feel like you have fallen into a spiritual trap so deep you cannot get out. That’s true to some extent. None of us can get ourselves out of the holes we get into sometimes, and not even our family or friends can get us out. But Jesus! Jesus can get you out! How awesome!



I believe Jesus can. I believe Jesus wants to. I believe Jesus will be your comforter. Let Him come into your life again. God is the Healer and wants to give you life abundant. A life that is far more exciting than anything we can even imagine. What a friend we have in Jesus. What a release, to know that we have a God that is interested in us, that loves us so much, that while we were yet sinners, He chose to die for us. Even though we didn’t deserve it, even though we sometimes don’t want to receive it, He still presses on, and doesn’t give up. His arms are always open -



I will be praying for you. May God reveal His love for you, and bless you.

 

[heron]

Back in May, someone posted a link to an out-of-body suicide experience...very interesting. http://www.near-death.com/experiences/suicide04.html

There was a time in my life where several people died within a few months, and I remember that feeling -- it seemed that death was so close it was bound to happen any day.

 

[Scholar in training]

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, Virinix.

You said that your dad puts you down and twists the Bible to do so. It must be difficult to hear that coming from your step father, but I don't think that he's right about you. You are certainly not a lost cause. You are important to God, and he exalts the humble. Do you remember the parable of the shepherd leaving his 99 sheep behind to go after the one that was lost? He was happier about that one sheep than about the 99 that did not wander off. It is not too difficult for God to help you out of the "spiritual trap" that you've fallen into; God is able to bring you out of it.

I think the fact that you came here to talk about this shows that you want to live, because you reached out for help; and that's a good start. This forum is useful for initial outreach, but a recovery group would be a good place where you can talk to people as well. Know that you are not alone, that there is still hope.

You're in my prayers.
-Scholar in training

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

I can't even begin to answer. So I won't.
I did relate to one thing, though. The Bible: yup, it's a bummer to read.
PM me or add my Addy if u want to chat..

 

[bethdinsmore]

I used to feel like that about the Bible too. I dreaded reading it. Then I was privileged to be in some Christian recovery groups and saw changed lives because of the Word, sometimes based on one single verse. It truly is supernatural.

Heb 4:12
12 For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
(KJV)

2 Tim 3:16-17
16 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
17 That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.
(KJV)

Aloha in Jesus

 

[bethdinsmore]

Forgot to mention, please pm me also if you want to talk. I would be happy to.

 

[Maja]

Hi Virinix,

So, sorry.

Do you have any family nearby that you might be able to talk to?

My 27 year old son-in-law had the same loss a few years back. He finally got together with my daughter. They now have 2 beautiful children, my grandkids, and he is very happy. He never thought he could be happy again.

I hope this helps a little. Write to me anytime.

I will keep you in my prayers.


Maja

 

[CheshireDragon]

QUOTE: Windmill,

SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION.
​

The bible makes it clear. If you dare to commit suicide, you will not go to heaven!!!!!This immediately makes it clear that suicide is NOT an option.

Good, now that thats out of the way, you now realise that you need to do something about your current situation. Have you taken ANY medical advise? Your health is the most important thing to you, you must do all within your power to gain it back!
END QUOTE:

Everyone says that but NEVER has a verse to back it up like everything else. So where does it say that? All the people at my GF church say that its ok, unless you are catholic, of course.

 

[bethdinsmore]

Hi again

I also noticed in the Recovery Forum here that there are groups for both grief support and depression. Don't know if you're taking anti-depressants, but if not it would be a good idea to check with your doctor. Stress and trauma can definitely lead to chemical depression. I take anti-depressants for that, and they haven't changed my personality. They have just raised me up to the level playing field that everyone else is on. Then, it's SO much easier to heal and grow, in God's strength

And, by choosing to remain on this earth till the Lord calls you home, He will be developing this in your life:

Isa 61:1-3
1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;
2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.
(KJV)

2 Chr 20:15
... This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.
(NIV)

Phil 1:6
6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:
(KJV) (In the Greek, this is 24:7)

God bless you, friend. I will pray. Aloha in Jesus

Jer 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
(NIV)

 

[TempDunno]

Virinix: Dunno if I can be of any help, but before I try anything further, I have a question, if may I ask: what is your profession or what do you do the whole day over?

Your story strongly reminds of Job, and if I would have been in Job's place, I would have told the Lord some words in a loud voice, to put it mildly.

But before I continue, please answer my question, if you don't want to do it openly, feel free to PM me. I cannot promise anything, but perhaps I have an idea.

I wish you all the best!
D.

 

[heron]

People trivialized the impact of your girlfriend's death. Even break-ups get more sympathy than you received! She was probably your best friend. It sounds as though your child also died. You've probably considered that if you had been legally committed, the whole community would have responded differently. They would have mourned over the miscarriage, sent you meals for a week, filled the church service, and sent cards and donations, and helped bake food for the receptions. Instead, you got a slap on the back of the head.

"Means nothing to me anymore"-- that seems to be a symptom of losing the meat of how these truths apply to life. When Christians live their happy little lives and criticize the needs of people around them, God appears careless and thoughtless. What might remedy this is making total changes to where you get Christian influence and teachings. The Bible is actually very full of criticism toward hypocrites, the self-righteous, and those who oppress others. God defends those who have been mistreated.

The general sense about life, though, that's a harder thing to shake off. When death has surrounded you for so long, your brain adapts by accepting it as a normal process in life--which it is, but when it's so close, it's similar to a bear walking into the caveman's home--the brain trains the man to respond more quickly and steadily.

bethdinsmore mentioned antidepressants...after noticing a apparent rise in the desire for suicide around me, I started reading on this and found that many of the common behavioral meds today have suicidal thoughts as a side effect. If you're taking anything, read the label well and don't let it control your mind and spirit.

So sorry to hear about your loss.

 

[AmiracleComputers]

Hey brother, I feel for you. I've been there before - I once lost the greatest love of my life and my best friend. It was Jesus. I gave him up for a long time. I felt apathy all the time. Deaths in the family didn't affect me and I was seeking emotional detachment. I turned back to Christ after falling as far down as any human ever could. God really does keep you in His flock when you fall. But that understanding ONLY comes because I now 100% fully accept and follow Him. Without my choice to return to Him, I would never have the saving knowledge and my vine would have been cut. God is very serious, and He demands to be #1. I have a fire for Christ so strong since turning to Him. It took many years and continual forgiveness of my short fallings - but I always checked myself to be sure I was pointing towards Him. I have a very loving wife and beautiful child - but I have the mind set that I would give up any of them for Christ. It's this mind set that fuels my fire. I've toned down and finely honed my fire since attaining it. I was a bit to rough around the edges when it came to accepting Him. I instead realized I was a foot and needed to grow by learning from the hand as well. Basically I learned to play piano with my feet - metaphorically. Physics - I'm an engineer - can be a great analogy to what God is. Think of yourself as an electron on a straight path. Go fist first down that path, but allow God to deflect you at any point. Einstein says that a straight line is not always the straightest path through the universe. Well so it is with God. Allow yourself to be twisted and turned but ALWAYS point towards Him.

In Christ,
Erik Fritsch

 

[4childofgod]

SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION.


​

The bible makes it clear. If you dare to commit suicide, you will not go to heaven!!!!!This immediately makes it clear that suicide is NOT an option.

Good, now that thats out of the way, you now realise that you need to do something about your current situation. Have you taken ANY medical advise? Your health is the most important thing to you, you must do all within your power to gain it back!

Sorry actually your wrong the only unforgiven sin is never coming to God!