Wife that needs advice

[BelieverOfHim]

My husband and I've been married nearly 10 years. We have had our share of ups and downs, both have been at fault in certain areas. He's battled porn and lust our whole marriage. He has quit the porn for the last 7-8 years now and it has been much, much better. However, the thing he is now dealing with is actual lust for actual people. As in, people we know and rub shoulders with on a regular basis.
It has taken quite a bit of fighting and finally trying to work together to come to a resolution on this. He has come to the point that he's really tired of fighting the struggle. He's read many books, prayed, kept a consecration journal etc. We both know that it's got to be his choice to stop lusting. He's stopped for the most part but now he's fighting with the thoughts. It took him about a year to open up to me and tell me the honest truth. I knew something wasn't right because of how he treated me and how he avoided initiating sex or intimate moments.
This is the part where I'm being hurt. I feel hurt when he tells me he thought about a particular woman while he was having sex. He says that he's not lusting but it's just the temptation to lust for that woman. I am very thankful he's being open with me and letting me know he needs help. I try to help in any way I can. But, it's getting to the point that I'm starting to take it personal and it hurts so bad that I don't want him touching me. I even feel mad at God at times, and I know this is so wrong.
I need help and he needs help. We've talked to our pastor and he's given us a lot of resources and even has been keeping us accountable etc. The problem is, the women he is thinking of is the pastor's wife. He had this same problem years ago at a different church as well. We feel we could never tell the pastor that my husband has lusted for his wife. It's just horrifying.
I even went to the extreme and set a boundary. I told my husband no sex with me until I can trust that his thoughts are clean and that he's trying to change.
He had a really strong prayer meeting and felt like he was overcoming the sin of lust. He then went a few weeks re-routing his thoughts when he'd have a passing thought etc. Now, he's doing great except for when he takes a shower or has sex with me - the passing thoughts are still there. We know that having a thought isn't a sin, but he says they're persistent. He told me that he's trying SO hard not to think of the other women while he's with me that he actually can't stop thinking of them. Obviously, that isn't going to work!
Can you help me?

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm praying the problem is resolved.

I think you should stop attending this church to remove the temptation. But since he had the same issue in the past, it might happen again at a new church, I don't know.

Sometimes trying to force yourself to stop thinking about something only makes it worse. Have you tried counseling with someone outside the church who knows neither of you? Your husband needs to push the thoughts away whenever they crop up. Through prayer and focusing on healthy thoughts, over time the temptation should lessen and eventually (hopefully) disappear completely.

 

[Emli]

My husband and I've been married nearly 10 years. We have had our share of ups and downs, both have been at fault in certain areas. He's battled porn and lust our whole marriage. He has quit the porn for the last 7-8 years now and it has been much, much better. However, the thing he is now dealing with is actual lust for actual people. As in, people we know and rub shoulders with on a regular basis.
It has taken quite a bit of fighting and finally trying to work together to come to a resolution on this. He has come to the point that he's really tired of fighting the struggle. He's read many books, prayed, kept a consecration journal etc. We both know that it's got to be his choice to stop lusting. He's stopped for the most part but now he's fighting with the thoughts. It took him about a year to open up to me and tell me the honest truth. I knew something wasn't right because of how he treated me and how he avoided initiating sex or intimate moments.
This is the part where I'm being hurt. I feel hurt when he tells me he thought about a particular woman while he was having sex. He says that he's not lusting but it's just the temptation to lust for that woman. I am very thankful he's being open with me and letting me know he needs help. I try to help in any way I can. But, it's getting to the point that I'm starting to take it personal and it hurts so bad that I don't want him touching me. I even feel mad at God at times, and I know this is so wrong.
I need help and he needs help. We've talked to our pastor and he's given us a lot of resources and even has been keeping us accountable etc. The problem is, the women he is thinking of is the pastor's wife. He had this same problem years ago at a different church as well. We feel we could never tell the pastor that my husband has lusted for his wife. It's just horrifying.
I even went to the extreme and set a boundary. I told my husband no sex with me until I can trust that his thoughts are clean and that he's trying to change.
He had a really strong prayer meeting and felt like he was overcoming the sin of lust. He then went a few weeks re-routing his thoughts when he'd have a passing thought etc. Now, he's doing great except for when he takes a shower or has sex with me - the passing thoughts are still there. We know that having a thought isn't a sin, but he says they're persistent. He told me that he's trying SO hard not to think of the other women while he's with me that he actually can't stop thinking of them. Obviously, that isn't going to work!
Can you help me?

I'm not married, so I cannot give you advice on you relationship, but I have struggled a lot with sexual temptation in the past. Jesus got me through it, and today, I never think about sex at all. I am a woman, so of course I don't know how it works for a man, but I think it's a little bit the same.

You wrote that he is trying hard not to think about other women. That might be the problem. When we feel shame about something, our brains act in fear. Fear is an instinct, and the most powerful instinct, and it tends to strengthen our addictions and temptations. What he needs to do is simply let go of it. He needs to understand that this is normal and that's it's nothing to be afraid of. When the temptation comes, just let it pass. Refocus his mind without resisting it. When the thought of another woman enters his mind, he should do his best to focus on you instead. Direct his lust towards you, so to say. If he fears the thoughts, then the brain will connect lust with fear, and then all the brain will do is bring up the memories connected with the fear, which is other women, when he feels lust. Does this make sense to you? And he will need your full support on this. Love him every time he is struggling. Love breaks all bondage.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[Tull]

This is not going to be a very popular opinion,men know that the best way to manipulate a woman is to appear to be the victim of something,poor downtrodden,battle weary etc etc,its the old puppy in the rain routine,the fact that he is being "open" about it all and telling his wife that he is thinking about another woman while they are having sex is not only cruel but manipulative as well.

 

[mkgal1]

the fact that he is being "open" about it all and telling his wife that he is thinking about another woman while they are having sex is not only cruel but manipulative as well.

I actually thought the same thing. It's not really something Believer (his wife) can truly help him with.....so why tell her like that? Also.....I noticed the way she wrote that he framed it, "He says that he's not lusting but it's just the temptation to lust for that woman". Doesn't that sort of leave him "off the hook" (isn't that typically the line that's drawn?).....but with you--Believer--hurt.

To be honest.....I don't believe he's doing you any favors by telling you this, Believer. It's hurtful (in my opinion). I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I agree with Tull and Mkgal that it's cruel of him to tell his wife. What purpose does that serve? I would be very hurt by that. What does he expect his wife to do? I really think counseling is in order.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[Solomons Porch]

This is not going to be a very popular opinion,men know that the best way to manipulate a woman is to appear to be the victim of something,poor downtrodden,battle weary etc etc,its the old puppy in the rain routine,the fact that he is being "open" about it all and telling his wife that he is thinking about another woman while they are having sex is not only cruel but manipulative as well.

Thank you thank you I am a woman and I totally agree. Fist pump my friend !!
The first thing I thought when I read this and somewhere deep inside, even though I cannot explain this feeling or gut feeling, is that somehow when he tells her this, it feeds the lust. Am I right or way off? Hot or cold idk?? Your thoughts?

 

[~Anastasia~]

Hello, Believer, and welcome to CF! We are glad that you've joined us, but I'm sorry that it was over something that distressses you so much. I pray you can find help here among other believers.

Has he ever tried to change the pictures of them in his mind?
such as with curlers? or in a clown outfit?
He needs to focus on loving God and you.
He is supposed to support you and if need be, give his life for you.
as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it

There is actually some potential benefit to something like this.

The thoughts are the hardest to control, and yes, the enemy comes with suggestions to tempt us. And I think one of the times we are least able to resist is while we are engaging in intimate relations. That activity and spiritual warfare are incompatible with each other, to a point.

I don't say this to excuse the husband, but to acknowledge this may be one of the most difficult battles in life.

There are ways to practice discipline of the mind, and to learn to recognize such thoughts before they enter, and repel them. But, even if a person learns to do this, it's an entirely other matter to be able to do that successfully while engaging in sexual intimacy.

It can be done though.

What has been interesting to me is to read some of the things written by monks on the subject, given that they must repel all thoughts of sexual pleasure. The problem is that what they suggest is not always suitable for non-monastics. But by reading them, we can learn what sorts of tools and exercises are helpful, and choose which ones (maybe with modification) will be beneficial for married people.

But, back to the post I quoted - they do indeed use their imagination to turn off desire for a particular woman. This may sound morbid, but remember there is Scriptural basis in Proverbs. One of the things they might commonly do is to imagine the woman as a corpse, which is both unappealing, as well as a reminder that indulging the flesh leads to death, and a reminder to focus on eternal matters rather than carnal ones. If that is too much, maybe your husband could use imagery that is still unappealing to him.

My prayers for you. It is a difficult situation for him, and one that understandably upsets you. I'm not so sure that him confiding his struggles to you was a kind thing to do, as others have mentioned if you can't help, why hurt you with it? But now that's it's done, maybe you can at least help him find ways to discipline his mind.

God be with you.

 

[Solomons Porch]

My husband and I've been married nearly 10 years. We have had our share of ups and downs, both have been at fault in certain areas. He's battled porn and lust our whole marriage. He has quit the porn for the last 7-8 years now and it has been much, much better. However, the thing he is now dealing with is actual lust for actual people. As in, people we know and rub shoulders with on a regular basis.
It has taken quite a bit of fighting and finally trying to work together to come to a resolution on this. He has come to the point that he's really tired of fighting the struggle. He's read many books, prayed, kept a consecration journal etc. We both know that it's got to be his choice to stop lusting. He's stopped for the most part but now he's fighting with the thoughts. It took him about a year to open up to me and tell me the honest truth. I knew something wasn't right because of how he treated me and how he avoided initiating sex or intimate moments.
This is the part where I'm being hurt. I feel hurt when he tells me he thought about a particular woman while he was having sex. He says that he's not lusting but it's just the temptation to lust for that woman. I am very thankful he's being open with me and letting me know he needs help. I try to help in any way I can. But, it's getting to the point that I'm starting to take it personal and it hurts so bad that I don't want him touching me. I even feel mad at God at times, and I know this is so wrong.
I need help and he needs help. We've talked to our pastor and he's given us a lot of resources and even has been keeping us accountable etc. The problem is, the women he is thinking of is the pastor's wife. He had this same problem years ago at a different church as well. We feel we could never tell the pastor that my husband has lusted for his wife. It's just horrifying.
I even went to the extreme and set a boundary. I told my husband no sex with me until I can trust that his thoughts are clean and that he's trying to change.
He had a really strong prayer meeting and felt like he was overcoming the sin of lust. He then went a few weeks re-routing his thoughts when he'd have a passing thought etc. Now, he's doing great except for when he takes a shower or has sex with me - the passing thoughts are still there. We know that having a thought isn't a sin, but he says they're persistent. He told me that he's trying SO hard not to think of the other women while he's with me that he actually can't stop thinking of them. Obviously, that isn't going to work!
Can you help me?

I hate to say it but I totally agree with the men here. Somehow and I can't explain it because I am a woman and dont understand all mens feelings and such, but it sounds like he is feeding the lust by telling you this, I cant explain why I feel this way about it, its like an imagination to some extent, I dont know the bondage of lust, but something sounds way off. You think it is good that he is so open, but to me this openess doesn't sound healthy, it sounds harmful to you. When he tells you these lustful thoughts, I get the feeling he is feeding the beast. I cant say what I would personally do, cause they might be a hard knock at the door and I dont got that much for bail money lol.

Just something about this is very manipulative and slimy sounding. I am not trying to be negative, I am trying to be real with you. Alot of Jesus, yes. Alot of prayer, yes. This is got to be wearing you down and making you feel insecure. Makes me wanna take him out back for ya. Sending you a PM. Much prayers

 

[DaisyDay]

Thank you thank you I am a woman and I totally agree. Fist pump my friend !!
The first thing I thought when I read this and somewhere deep inside, even though I cannot explain this feeling or gut feeling, is that somehow when he tells her this, it feeds the lust. Am I right or way off? Hot or cold idk?? Your thoughts?

I think what it feeds is not lust but vengeance against his wife. It's a very passive-aggressive act to tell her that he is thinking of another women when he is having sex with her under the guise of seeking her help and forgiveness.

 

[Tull]

Thank you thank you I am a woman and I totally agree. Fist pump my friend !!
The first thing I thought when I read this and somewhere deep inside, even though I cannot explain this feeling or gut feeling, is that somehow when he tells her this, it feeds the lust. Am I right or way off? Hot or cold idk?? Your thoughts?

In my opinion he is and is being cruel,why tell your wife such a thing,it serves no purpose other than to cause pain....and the nonsense that its about him being open is just that,nonsense.I think this is just a typical "player" and my sympathy goes out to anyone involved with a man or woman like this.......they are a curse and a blight on your life.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Folks, just a thought, but by continuing to say nothing except how wrong it was of the husband to admit this, I don't see how this can help a marriage ...

 

[LinkH]

Jesus said that he that looks at a woman in order to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. The Bible does NOT say that Jesus taught that he who has a passing through about another woman while having sex with is wife has committed adultery with her already in his heart.

There is a command, "Thou shalt not covet....". The command is not, "Thou shalt not have a passing though."

Jesus had a thought about throwing Himself down from the pinnacle of the temple. The devil told him to do that, so he heard and perceived that, so it must have been in his thoughts. He didn't do it.

Sometime it is difficult for a man to distinguish between being tempted and actually giving in to lust. By giving into lust, I also mean looking with lust. Romans 6 says not to yield your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin. In the case of a man looking in order to lust, he yeilds his eyes. This involves the will. He chooses to look. If a naken woman falls form the sky into his fiend of view, that's not a sin on his part if his heart is pure, and he chooses to look away instead of stare.

I think he needs a male friend, maybe a prayer partner, to share these things with. If it's just having passing thoughts during sex and he isn't dwelling on them, do you need to know about them?

I don't think witholding sex over his thoughts is wise, or Biblical, for that matter. That might tempt him to lie to you, and also may just make him more frustrated which could just add to the temptation. I am glad to hear that it sounds like he has made a lot of progress.

 

[LinkH]

I agree with Tull and Mkgal that it's cruel of him to tell his wife. What purpose does that serve? I would be very hurt by that. What does he expect his wife to do? I really think counseling is in order.

Some people have this idea that a married couple are supposed to tell each other everything, openness, no secrets. Generally, not keeping secrets can be a good thing. But there are exceptions, IMO. For example, we all need to have a filter between the ideas that pop into our heads and the words we say. If we don't, we could occasionally hurt our loved ones.

 

[LinkH]

But, back to the post I quoted - they do indeed use their imagination to turn off desire for a particular woman. This may sound morbid, but remember there is Scriptural basis in Proverbs. One of the things they might commonly do is to imagine the woman as a corpse, which is both unappealing, as well as a reminder that indulging the flesh leads to death, and a reminder to focus on eternal matters rather than carnal ones.

I wonder if any man who did that ever began to eroticize thinking of corpses. How about memorizing scripture and quoting or thinking of the scripture instead?

 

[~Anastasia~]

I wonder if any man who did that ever began to eroticize thinking of corpses. How about memorizing scripture and quoting or thinking of the scripture instead?

I seriously doubt it. That's rather disturbing.

And yes, prayers and Scripture as well.

I was trying to be helpful, because others with a great deal of experience have found it helpful. But I did say if that is too extreme, perhaps another unappealing imagination. I can think of some, but I'd rather not mention them.

 

[Runswithdogs]

I wonder if any man who did that ever began to eroticize thinking of corpses.

I seriously doubt it. That's rather disturbing.

Eh... Necrophilia anyone?

 

[John 1720]

My husband and I've been married nearly 10 years. We have had our share of ups and downs, both have been at fault in certain areas. He's battled porn and lust our whole marriage. He has quit the porn for the last 7-8 years now and it has been much, much better. However, the thing he is now dealing with is actual lust for actual people. As in, people we know and rub shoulders with on a regular basis.
It has taken quite a bit of fighting and finally trying to work together to come to a resolution on this. He has come to the point that he's really tired of fighting the struggle. He's read many books, prayed, kept a consecration journal etc. We both know that it's got to be his choice to stop lusting. He's stopped for the most part but now he's fighting with the thoughts. It took him about a year to open up to me and tell me the honest truth. I knew something wasn't right because of how he treated me and how he avoided initiating sex or intimate moments.
This is the part where I'm being hurt. I feel hurt when he tells me he thought about a particular woman while he was having sex. He says that he's not lusting but it's just the temptation to lust for that woman. I am very thankful he's being open with me and letting me know he needs help. I try to help in any way I can. But, it's getting to the point that I'm starting to take it personal and it hurts so bad that I don't want him touching me. I even feel mad at God at times, and I know this is so wrong.
I need help and he needs help. We've talked to our pastor and he's given us a lot of resources and even has been keeping us accountable etc. The problem is, the women he is thinking of is the pastor's wife. He had this same problem years ago at a different church as well. We feel we could never tell the pastor that my husband has lusted for his wife. It's just horrifying.
I even went to the extreme and set a boundary. I told my husband no sex with me until I can trust that his thoughts are clean and that he's trying to change.
He had a really strong prayer meeting and felt like he was overcoming the sin of lust. He then went a few weeks re-routing his thoughts when he'd have a passing thought etc. Now, he's doing great except for when he takes a shower or has sex with me - the passing thoughts are still there. We know that having a thought isn't a sin, but he says they're persistent. He told me that he's trying SO hard not to think of the other women while he's with me that he actually can't stop thinking of them. Obviously, that isn't going to work!
Can you help me?

Dear Believer of Him,
It is so damaging to the soul of the one committing sin but also to the people in their immediate radius. The shrapnel just flies everywhere and you never who is going to get hit or what the damage is going to be in the end but because you are nearest it is obvious that you are going to be impacted everytime. I am not a counselor and believe you should seek a professional Christian counselor. I say that because this is primarily a spiritual battle of the soul. I think all attempts to fix this by mere advise will be unfruitful for you, just as just giving advice to a drug addict or an alcoholic will fail. I have seen addicts who have wonderful walks in Christ knowing their complete dependence on their deliverance is in Jesus. I love the quote by Corrie Ten Boon's sister, "There is no pit of hell so deep that God's love is not deeper still". I am praying God will guide your course in all this unwholesomeness, unhealthy assaults upon your marriage. When you begin to look down so much at what is entangling your feet from the pit of hell you forget to look up at the One from above who stands ready to deliver you and pluck you from the thorns and bonds that suck you in. The vision God gives us is one of pure love, wholesomeness, and blessing. The struggle is not against flesh and blood or some improvement program it is against the enemy of our souls that seeks to steal, kill and destroy our potential in God. We are locked in mortal combat but Jesus does not leave us on the battlefield for the enemy to torture. That is truth and it has to be front and center before us. The wounded need the help of other wounded to help and inspire them to walk again. Once they are healed they too can help as they find their vision in Christ and the Father's will to serve. Seek the Lord with all your heart and seek out those who have already experience the miracles of His hand and get professional council for yourselves. Do not enable but practice tough love that is grounded in the truth of God.
Ephesians 6:10-8

In Christ, John 1720