Wife Had Affair. Stay or Go?

[Avniel]

Why would you raise another man's child? There's a difference between being a Christian and a sucka. She doesn't deserve you and morally is beneath you....move on with your life brother stop casting your pearls to the swine.

 

[meyerjd]

Never mind.

 

[AvgJoe]

It has been three years since my wife has begun her affair. She likes the security she has being married to me and the fun she has with her "friend" I exist to raise our two children and give them the most stable environment I can. The affair started while I was the president of our congregation. I became quite a laughing stock in our area. I've gotten away from church leadership. My wife is now part of the church council and is fully accepted and respected by all. I can't win and will not consider divorce for I know my wife would make it as ugly as possible for the kids and me. I get through all this by keeping my focus on the kids.

Amazing! God Bless you! You are a greater man than I.

 

[Original Happy Camper]

10 years married for almost 3,

This was a problem spending 7 years together outside of marriage and you had a child with her out side of Marriage. I say you have to shoulder some of the blame for what your situation is now based on your actions. How can you led her to Jesus when you were living in sin with her, she may have said Hypocrite and she would have been correct.

 

[Original Happy Camper]

It has been three years since my wife has begun her affair. She likes the security she has being married to me and the fun she has with her "friend" I exist to raise our two children and give them the most stable environment I can. The affair started while I was the president of our congregation. I became quite a laughing stock in our area. I've gotten away from church leadership. My wife is now part of the church council and is fully accepted and respected by all. I can't win and will not consider divorce for I know my wife would make it as ugly as possible for the kids and me. I get through all this by keeping my focus on the kids.

You need to find a church that follows the word of God.

You are condoning her sin. I suggest that you get a lawyer and divorce her because staying with her is sending a message to your kids that what mommy is doing is okay. Children tend to imitate the lessons taught by the parents when they get older.

 

[meyerjd]

You need to find a church that follows the word of God.

You are condoning her sin. I suggest that you get a lawyer and divorce her because staying with her is sending a message to your kids that what mommy is doing is okay. Children tend to imitate the lessons taught by the parents when they get older.

 

[meyerjd]

Never mind.

 

[Original Happy Camper]

The damage to the kids is already done. Our teenage son has toldus he would never consider dating or marrying a woman because of what he has seen happen these last three years. My wife plans to divorce me in eight years when our younest turns 18. On top of being a leader in our church she also speaks and writes on marriage and family topics so it is totally in her best interest to appear as a devoted wife and mother. I'm in a career that requires working nights, weekends, and being on call. In speaking to a lawyer, I was told that my wife would get full custody because of my job. I love my kids too much to put them in her care full time because basically she doesn't care for them.

Get the proof of the lack of care and then divorce her.
You need to find a church that follows the word of God. You will find wise counsel in the word but only if you find the remnant church spoken of that has the two requirements listed in Rev 12
"which keep the commandments of God, and have the testimony of Jesus Christ."

Why are you worrying about her appearance in the community? She did not worry about yours and based on your post she is actively living in sin. The church board needs to know this as she is not fit to be in a position of leadership.

You already have damaged the oldest child, get a divorce now and maybe you can teach the youngest that mommy is not following Jesus but is following Satan.

 

[meyerjd]

Never mind.

 

[meyerjd]

Never mind.

 

[akmom]

Well, maybe you can capitalize on the sequel. Plenty of authors have published the "untold" story later.

 

[JoeP222w]

It's been a year now since I confronted my wife about her affair and her initial response was that she didn't want to be married. She said the marriage felt more like a friendship than a marriage and I told her that's no reason to get divorced that's something we can work on, especially considering we have two children together ages two and four. She maintained her affair, went a cruise with the man promising the whole time she wasn't sleeping with him, though I knew in my gut she was. Three months after the cruise I find out she was pregnant with his child.
I had been praying for restoration or direction but at this point I was ready for divorce. After considering how I could not divorce legally I began to think about this child's life and how it would have no chance without me in it's life due to the mother not being able to support herself and the lover being addicted to drugs, unemployed, and initially tried to get her to have a divorce. So I tell my wife the same thing I told her months ago that we can still try to salvage the marriage but she has to end her affair, and I would raise this child as my own. She still claims she does not want a relationship with this man yet she still talks to him everyday, and says that she does care for him. I told her when the baby was born I would establish paternity (though it's about 95% certain it's not mine) and file for divorce if she did not make efforts to reconcile and end her affair. I want more than anything to keep my family together but I know I cannot make someone change. She claims she wants our family back together but she still won't end her affair and I believe she wants me back in her life because I have a history of cleaning things up and she knows life would be easier.
I thank God so much for the abundance of peace he has provided me in the past year and I feel closer to God than ever but I am conflicted. I know God hates divorce and I believe God allows divorce but never requires it. That being said, I feel more apprehensive about staying and waiting for her to get her head straight, and more peace about a decision to divorce her because God has greater things planned for my life. Is it even conceivable that God is leading me to divorce or am I following my thoughts?

I am very sorry to hear of your situation. However, you need Biblical counseling, not counseling from random people on an internet forum. Set up an appointment to talk with your Pastor as soon as possible, if he faithfully follows Biblical counseling. If he does not, you need to find someone in your area that does.

 

[meyerjd]

Never mind.

 

[nChrist]

My pastor does not offer counseling since she does not feel qualified. 6 other Christian counselors have told me to forgive my wife and move on. They have all said to never consider divorce and say that I need to work harder to save the marriage. So here I am on the internet.

I'm not qualified either, but I'll say that you and your children are the victims in this story. There is long-term adultery with no remorse and no plans to stop. Your wife hasn't given you anything to work with. At this point, what is there to save? I agree with some of the previous posters - move on. File for divorce on the grounds of adultery and deny your wife the ability to file first. Don't change the grounds and get things out in the open. I do suggest that you seek advice from qualified people. You need a lawyer in my opinion.

 

[meyerjd]

Never mind.

 

[blackribbon]

6 different Christian counselors have advised you to NOT get a divorce from someone who is actively cheating on you? And your lawyer says you won't get the kids? No state is that backward so there is more to this story that you are not sharing. This is not the 1950's. Men get the children in all 50 states when they are the better parent.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Do you love her?

In the light of what you promised, ought you to love her?

 

[meyerjd]

Never mind.

 

[meyerjd]

Never mind.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Yes I do. I love her the same today as I did when we were married nearly seventeen years ago. I have never given up on her or the marriage. I just really feel that our best years may be over and I am at point where I don't think I can take much more of her antics.

Put differently, are your weapons divorce lawyers or the spiritual ones of prayer and the Scriptures and of a life lived under the grace of God in Christ? Ephesians 6 is very relevant. This is all easy to say but it needs the sustaining grace of God day by day to practise.