Widowers boundaries getting walked over. How to respond in the most Christ like fashion.

[DaveHTexas]

So background here.

I am a widower as of this year. Just a few months. My late wife, the honest Gift from God was taken from me. I am dealing with the grief and adjustment through several means. Griefshare, diving headfirst into Gods word, and a widows / widowers support group.

I am not now, nor am I certain I will ever be interested in another relationship. I am relatively youngish for a widower at 53, and the thought of spending the rest of my live without someone to share it with bothers me greatly yes. We have no children, so at home it is literally just me, and our pets.

I have been talking to one of the Widows from the group that has been struggling as well, praying for her, encouraging her etc...

Now this particular widow is a Christian woman, but of a different cultural background, and so I may be misreading what she is saying, but in our conversations as of late it would seem she has set her sights on me as a potential partner / dating / marriage. As in she wants me to meet her mother, calls me dear etc... I need to not be too specific as I don't want to identify her straight out but she is of a Pacific Islander background.

Mind you, if I were just plain old single, I would be overjoyed at the attention, but given that I am a widower, and how recent it has been I am very uncomfortable with the contact with this woman now. I know I am no longer married as we crossed the 'till death do us part threshold, but even just the direction conversation has gone feels like I am being unfaithful to my wife.

In our group conversations, and to her specifically I have stated repeatedly that I am unsure if I will ever be comfortable with that sort of relationship again, but given all other factors now is not the time. And yes people ask. I know people that remarried not much longer after their spouse died.

I know everyone grieves at their own pace, and like I said, if I were just plain old single, her values, her personality, and yes she is an attractive woman, I would be thrilled, but now is not the time. I do not wish to give her false hope that I might start pursuing her, and I do not want to lead her on.

I am not used to this sort of thing as I have been married more or less my entire adult life. And this is causing me a huge amount of concern.

So the question I have is, how do I make sure my boundaries are understood and respected, or even approach the subject in the chance that this is a cultural misunderstanding?

 

[Brad D.]

Seems like you have addressed openly in public group where you are at , at this time in your life, but perhaps albeit unintentionally some signals have been mixed in your one on ones.

If you are unsure what meeting her mother in her culture means, that could be a starting point for you by addressing it from your own culture, because that you do know! You could always say to her, "You know I know you probably didn't mean anything by this, but I am going to have to pass on meeting your mother, because the way I was raised here in the sates that is always a significant step towards a relationship, and even though that is probably not what you intended, I just emotionally couldn't go through with that because of the mixed feelings it would bring."

That way maybe you could give her the benefit of the doubt without embarrassing her, while at the same time getting across to her exactly how you feel.

 

[chilehed]

I have been talking to one of the Widows from the group that has been struggling as well...

That was the first mistake.

Men stick with men, women stick with women.

 

[DaveHTexas]

That was the first mistake.

Men stick with men, women stick with women.

It's a mixed group, but I get your point...

 

[Gentle Lamb]

So background here.

I am a widower as of this year. Just a few months. My late wife, the honest Gift from God was taken from me. I am dealing with the grief and adjustment through several means. Griefshare, diving headfirst into Gods word, and a widows / widowers support group.

I am not now, nor am I certain I will ever be interested in another relationship. I am relatively youngish for a widower at 53, and the thought of spending the rest of my live without someone to share it with bothers me greatly yes. We have no children, so at home it is literally just me, and our pets.

I have been talking to one of the Widows from the group that has been struggling as well, praying for her, encouraging her etc...

Now this particular widow is a Christian woman, but of a different cultural background, and so I may be misreading what she is saying, but in our conversations as of late it would seem she has set her sights on me as a potential partner / dating / marriage. As in she wants me to meet her mother, calls me dear etc... I need to not be too specific as I don't want to identify her straight out but she is of a Pacific Islander background.

Mind you, if I were just plain old single, I would be overjoyed at the attention, but given that I am a widower, and how recent it has been I am very uncomfortable with the contact with this woman now. I know I am no longer married as we crossed the 'till death do us part threshold, but even just the direction conversation has gone feels like I am being unfaithful to my wife.

In our group conversations, and to her specifically I have stated repeatedly that I am unsure if I will ever be comfortable with that sort of relationship again, but given all other factors now is not the time. And yes people ask. I know people that remarried not much longer after their spouse died.

I know everyone grieves at their own pace, and like I said, if I were just plain old single, her values, her personality, and yes she is an attractive woman, I would be thrilled, but now is not the time. I do not wish to give her false hope that I might start pursuing her, and I do not want to lead her on.

I am not used to this sort of thing as I have been married more or less my entire adult life. And this is causing me a huge amount of concern.

So the question I have is, how do I make sure my boundaries are understood and respected, or even approach the subject in the chance that this is a cultural misunderstanding?

Without directing the conversation to her and you specifically, as in the possible insinuations and her possible hope that you might be her next husband, clearly state that you are still grieving, not interested in pursuing any relationships at the moment, and then minimize the communication you have with her outside of the group, or, if it can be done politely, stop talking to her entirely outside of the group so that it will help her get the message and move on. She should get the hint sooner or later, given that the "hint' is you clearly stating your boundaries and then clearly drawing the lines again. Look for the support of either married men or other widowers like yourself and try to avoid the hopeful widows. I am so sorry for your loss. May God strengthen and comfort you and continue to heal your heart. God is near to the brokenhearted. Maybe it was necessary for the Lord to call your dear wife home early for the purpose of your and her life to achieve the greatest fulfillment. Trust in God's goodness. I know it's not easy to lose a loved one. Look for support from places where you may find connection without the risk of a relationship you don't want, perhaps by connecting with children/youths through programs ministry. Many young people are purely lost and could use a good Godly male figure in their lives. Just a suggestion to help ease your pain and bring you the warmth of love. God bless you.

 

[By_the_Book]

So background here.

I am a widower as of this year. Just a few months. My late wife, the honest Gift from God was taken from me. I am dealing with the grief and adjustment through several means. Griefshare, diving headfirst into Gods word, and a widows / widowers support group.

I am not now, nor am I certain I will ever be interested in another relationship. I am relatively youngish for a widower at 53, and the thought of spending the rest of my live without someone to share it with bothers me greatly yes. We have no children, so at home it is literally just me, and our pets.

I have been talking to one of the Widows from the group that has been struggling as well, praying for her, encouraging her etc...

Now this particular widow is a Christian woman, but of a different cultural background, and so I may be misreading what she is saying, but in our conversations as of late it would seem she has set her sights on me as a potential partner / dating / marriage. As in she wants me to meet her mother, calls me dear etc... I need to not be too specific as I don't want to identify her straight out but she is of a Pacific Islander background.

Mind you, if I were just plain old single, I would be overjoyed at the attention, but given that I am a widower, and how recent it has been I am very uncomfortable with the contact with this woman now. I know I am no longer married as we crossed the 'till death do us part threshold, but even just the direction conversation has gone feels like I am being unfaithful to my wife.

In our group conversations, and to her specifically I have stated repeatedly that I am unsure if I will ever be comfortable with that sort of relationship again, but given all other factors now is not the time. And yes people ask. I know people that remarried not much longer after their spouse died.

I know everyone grieves at their own pace, and like I said, if I were just plain old single, her values, her personality, and yes she is an attractive woman, I would be thrilled, but now is not the time. I do not wish to give her false hope that I might start pursuing her, and I do not want to lead her on.

I am not used to this sort of thing as I have been married more or less my entire adult life. And this is causing me a huge amount of concern.

So the question I have is, how do I make sure my boundaries are understood and respected, or even approach the subject in the chance that this is a cultural misunderstanding?

I get exactly what you're saying. I lost my husband at 37 years, my best friend, still deeply in love, held hands when we would watch TV still. I too am a young widow 56. I had been married to him since I was 19. I have similar feelings that I never want to remarry or have that type of relationship. I would like to have friendships but so far have found that to be very difficult with men. It seems they always want more. I've tried to deflect that but it hasn't worked and basically I've had to cut off contact because they continually pursue something I didn't want. Beyond cutting off contact I wouldn't know how to advise you. I do know exactly what you're going through though and how difficult it is. If you would ever like to talk send me a PM through the site. I feel for you, I'm sorry for your loss and I do understand how much you must be hurting.

 

[Brad D.]

As I have reflected more on what you have stated, and how @Gentle Lamb answered, I do agree with her that perhaps there is something more definitive that needs to take place, and perhaps more reflection needed on How God may be at work in your life at this time. I think in light of that my first answer may have been given a little to hastily, and for that I apologize.

I also want to apologize that I didn't even begin by addressing your grief, and how trying of a time this must be for you. It must dually be painful in your life at this time to not only have lost your wife, but to then be caught up in a confusing and emotionally challenging situation like this at the very place you hoped to find some answers and support for your grief.

I do think the idea of bringing mixed grieving widows and widowers together is a somewhat peculiar, combustible idea, as sometimes in that loss and weakness it is tempting for us to reach out and grab hold of something on this earth to fill that hole. A hole that only God can fill. Perhaps this is done worldwide, I do not know. Perhaps in some way there are some drawn there for those very things. Perhaps it is the right place for some. But in hindsight I don't think it is the right place for you. You have stated unequivocally that you are not ready for this. I would take that inner instinct as a very word from the Lord.

So in the most gentle way you know how I would move on and separate myself from both her and the group, that it seems every indication is being given is not the right place, not the right time. I don't think at this point you can do one without the other. Not only for your sake, but for the sake of this grieving widow as well.

Then I would get alone with Lord. And be very still. Take all this loss from His hand. Do not try to run from the darkness, or rush out again and seek another answer hastily elsewhere. Perhaps He wants you to His self for a time. The very darkness and the aloneness of the house you seek to escape, may become in the end the very furnace God will do some of His most exquisite work. It seems that is where you keep ending up through the loss of your wife and now this. Maybe it is the place you should be for a time.

 

[DaveHTexas]

It is a funny situation in a way. But I totally get what you are saying. I admit would rather much expect the issue to be the other direction. The widows having trouble with widowers coming on to them too early. I have plainly restated my position, and hopefully it will be understood and respected. Time will tell. And yes, I know I need time for just myself and the Lord. I do not have to do that within these walls as they certainly wouldn't constrain him. And to be away from here is to be away from the distractions that live within these walls... It is my intent to put some distance from here to a place where I can simply reflect on Gods word and know I will not be pulled away.

 

[Brad D.]

It is a funny situation in a way. But I totally get what you are saying. I admit would rather much expect the issue to be the other direction. The widows having trouble with widowers coming on to them too early. I have plainly restated my position, and hopefully it will be understood and respected. Time will tell. And yes, I know I need time for just myself and the Lord. I do not have to do that within these walls as they certainly wouldn't constrain him. And to be away from here is to be away from the distractions that live within these walls... It is my intent to put some distance from here to a place where I can simply reflect on Gods word and know I will not be pulled away.

It is true God can speak to us anywhere, as long as we go to the place He desires to be sought. I hear your pain and sorrows. My heart truly breaks for you. My family and I lifted you up in our prayers tonight. I speak to you from the depths of many of my own sorrows. I sought Him for a time without. Until the cross came and broke me and I found the answer was really within. Your current situation reminded me of those times. But if you know another way through, I wish you well in your journey. If you run to Him and not away from Him that is all that matters. It sounds as if you have decided what you need to do. I will pray then you run the race well, and that you will meet Him once you get to the appointed place.

 

[benadamm]

Someone unwilling to drop pushing for more from a widower or widow may not be able to live up to the self sacrifice required of marriage.

Possibly even taking advantage of vulnerability unconsciously or ....

 

[DaveHTexas]

Someone unwilling to drop pushing for more from a widower or widow may not be able to live up to the self sacrifice required of marriage.

Possibly even taking advantage of vulnerability unconsciously or ....

The thought has occurred to me, yes... If you've not walked this path. When you lose your wife, missing the comforts of a woman does not even begin to describe it. I know that is a tempation I would be vulnerable to, and I know there are predators that prey upon widows and widowers. They usually however seek out more willing prey I would think anyway... Anyway, IF I ever get to wanting a marriage again, I would be a bit more obvisouly looking instead of saying, nope, not wanting that right now...

I'm not going to lie. I miss my wife terribly. Especially today. If she was still here, we would be curled up on the sofa watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving by now...

 

[benadamm]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm praying for you brother.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

The Lord is your strength Dave, He is near to you in this time of sorrow. He loves you so much. May God comfort you in Jesus name.

 

[musicalpilgrim]

I feel your loss, I lost my husband on the 5th October, The house is empty and then there are moments of peace. I know people are praying and I can almost feel their prayers.

 

[musicalpilgrim]

I have found that Premier Christian Radio has been so encouraging, filling the emptiness left by my dear husband.

 

[LesSme]

I’m sorry for your loss.
Seems it would be best for you both if you leave the group.
I pray you can find a Christian group for widowers only.