Why relationships led me to celibacy

[Awakened Sin]

This seems to be a trend.

There is a poster in the singles forum, who is complaining she can't find any long term relationships and or people worth having long term relationships with.

I mentioned, it is always good to look at yourself first when you see a trend like this and she stated; it was not possible she was doing anything wrong.

I apologize everything is just ruined for me. It's hard to face arguments now since I'm hearing the same things. It's hard for you to understand if you don't know the reasons.

 

[Armoured]

Unfortunately or fortunately past experiences ruined dating for me. And seriously don't think I will get married which is fine. The l.p. gets I've been in a relationship is one week. The shortest a couple of days. And I did t explain the reasons why the relationships failed. They were honestly mostly on their side. They weren't pulling their weight. My parents won't like my decision to marry but oh well. It's my life.

How does a high school relationship end in a couple of days over someone "not pulling their weight"?

 

[Awakened Sin]

How does a high school relationship end in a couple of days over someone "not pulling their weight"?

The person being silent. Never wants to talk outside of work. Then after awhile stop liking me due to us not talking even though I tried to talk to them outside of school. High school relationships are more complicated then you think, in my opinion.

 

[Hetta]

Outside of work? So these are work relationships or school relationships - bearing in mind that I'm using the word "relationship" very, very lightly.

 

[Armoured]

The person being silent. Never wants to talk outside of work. Then after awhile stop liking me due to us not talking even though I tried to talk to them outside of school.

In days?

High school relationships are more complicated then you think, in my opinion.

With the best will in the world, and absolutely no malice, I confidently predict that the real world is going to hit you like tonne of bricks.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

The person being silent. Never wants to talk outside of work. Then after awhile stop liking me due to us not talking even though I tried to talk to them outside of school. High school relationships are more complicated then you think, in my opinion.

What you're describing doesn't constitute a romantic relationship but a work one. An actual relationship isn't one-sided. Both people have to agree and have a desire to be in it, and if the other person is only talking to you at school or on the job then she's not reciprocating your interest.

I'm already in college but am the same age as you, and have been in a committed, mutually nourishing, delightful, romantic relationship for more than three years. It began when I was fourteen. A relationship is one where you're both active participants willing to put in the work to build and sustain it. A harmony can only happen when both are contributing their voices. It requires dedication, selflessness, respect, and care from both. I'm actually planning on ending it soon, but not because it's failed. It's been successful in every way. We are both in college now and live on opposite coasts and will be thousands of miles apart for years to come. Where I live kids don't get engaged or married in their teens, and neither of us have the slightest desire for that anyway. We need to fully grow into ourselves and make our own lives before joining them permanently. I view this time with him as a privilege. Even when I'm 90 I will be looking back with such incredible fondness. He was my first love and he taught me so much about it. He made my high school years amazing. I'm sorry you haven't experienced that, and I encourage you to not let your attitude you're displaying here prevent you from getting the chance to have it in your future.

 

[Awakened Sin]

What you're describing doesn't constitute a romantic relationship but a work one. An actual relationship isn't one-sided. Both people have to agree and have a desire to be in it, and if the other person is only talking to you at school or on the job then she's not reciprocating your interest.

I'm already in college but am the same age as you, and have been in a committed, mutually nourishing, delightful, romantic relationship for more than three years. It began when I was fourteen. A relationship is one where you're both active participants willing to put in the work to build and sustain it. A harmony can only happen when both are contributing their voices. It requires dedication, selflessness, respect, and care from both. I'm actually planning on ending it soon, but not because it's failed. It's been successful in every way. We are both in college now and live on opposite coasts and will be thousands of miles apart for years to come. Where I live kids don't get engaged or married in their teens, and neither of us have the slightest desire for that anyway. We need to fully grow into ourselves and make our own lives before joining them permanently. I view this time with him as a privilege. Even when I'm 90 I will be looking back with such incredible fondness. He was my first love and he taught me so much about it. He made my high school years amazing. I'm sorry you haven't experienced that, and I encourage you to not let your attitude you're displaying here prevent you from getting the chance to have it in your future.

You're right but relationships aren't for everyone. And I am one of them. Celibacy may be right for me but ill keep what you said in mind!

 

[OldWiseGuy]

It's weird I tried so many things to find a great relationship. I've tried waiting and I even tried not waiting. And nothing good came out of either. I'm almost 18 and I'm not like most other teenagers. I don't date for fun. I wanted to date to find my future wife and people didn't understand that. At my age, no one is doing the same so find the right relationships were difficult. I failed countless times in relationships and I failed countless times trying to get into relationships.

So. I got fed up with all of this and I took the vow of celibacy. When I took this vow it wasn't even for religious reasons it was to protect myself and others. My vow of celibacy restricts from dating/dates, sexual activity, kissing, and lusting. It's been five days since I've taken the vow. I posted the vow on social media so all my friends know. I use the vow kind of like a wall, blocking out all the advances done to me and I may do to girls that I may like.

The vow itself lasts only until I graduate high school. If I like being celibate then I will extend the years. Essentially yes. I took this vow without God in mind which I rarely do. My hope is that he respects my choice if not well I can't stop God. I'd rather not take go back on my vow still.

A man marries to get a helper to assist him in whatever he sets out to do. What have you set out to do?

 

[Deidre32]

I find this fascinating, and refreshing. There are so many people who settle for the wrong people, just so they're not alone, and just so they can say they're in a relationship. Perhaps, as part of being human, we need people...we need relationships. But, I've dated a lot, and lately, I've taken a break, and see that singlehood can be a beautiful thing, at times. I commend you OP for your resolve, and if you feel called to this, and AT PEACE in this, that is all that matters. God's best for you.

 

[Nithavela]

Whatever floats your boat.

 

[Hetta]

A man marries to get a helper to assist him in whatever he sets out to do. What have you set out to do?

A "helper". Right. Many men actually elect to marry an equal that might actually achieve more than he achieves, or maybe just the same. And he doesn't feel threatened by that.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

A "helper". Right. Many men actually elect to marry an equal that might actually achieve more than he achieves, or maybe just the same. And he doesn't feel threatened by that.

That's fine, as long as they agree on those terms.

 

[Awakened Sin]

I find this fascinating, and refreshing. There are so many people who settle for the wrong people, just so they're not alone, and just so they can say they're in a relationship. Perhaps, as part of being human, we need people...we need relationships. But, I've dated a lot, and lately, I've taken a break, and see that singlehood can be a beautiful thing, at times. I commend you OP for your resolve, and if you feel called to this, and AT PEACE in this, that is all that matters. God's best for you.

Thank you, Deidre32!

A man marries to get a helper to assist him in whatever he sets out to do. What have you set out to do?

I dont undertstand what you're asking.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

Thank you, Deidre32!

I dont undertstand what you're asking.

What is the purpose for which you seek (sought) a 'relationship'?

 

[Deidre32]

Interesting (and sad) that you are not receiving more support and encouragement for your respectful choice, OP.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'll never understand kids. Society makes them feel like they need to find the "one" before 18 or else the world ends. And its how they act when it happens. I didn't find the one to marry until I was 32. I had a few relationships before then. Instead of worrying about what the world says, focus on what God says. He never says you have to find someone right away. The bible shows lots of stories of people who didn't get an prayer answered until they were elderly in some cases. And sometimes we don't get what we pray for because God is waiting for something from us. A change maybe.

For me it was to stop being desperate to find someone. And to stop the pity party I would have when I could not find anyone. I see that now of course, I didn't at the time. Your only 18. Your life as an adult hasn't really started yet. Your like 1% into it. And personally you don't want to find someone to marry until your at least 25. Most people are not ready for marriage before then because their brain has not matured in some areas (scientifically speaking). Its why so many marry and divorce right away. Also celibacy means you never had feelings of love. No feelings of wanting to be with someone. Clearly you have so obviously you are not meant to be celibate. Those who are meant for it never would have even complained about not finding love because they would literally not care about dating, love...etc.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

I'll never understand kids. Society makes them feel like they need to find the "one" before 18 or else the world ends. And its how they act when it happens. I didn't find the one to marry until I was 32. I had a few relationships before then. Instead of worrying about what the world says, focus on what God says. He never says you have to find someone right away. The bible shows lots of stories of people who didn't get an prayer answered until they were elderly in some cases. And sometimes we don't get what we pray for because God is waiting for something from us. A change maybe.

I've never felt or known anyone to feel like society was trying to impart that if we haven't found the "one" by age 18 we're going to be hopeless loners forever rebuffed of love for the rest of our lives. Where I live most people marry in their late 20s or their 30s, and that's always been the ideal for me and for most of my friends. Obviously at my age the plan I've made for my life is flexible, but looking at the practicalities of college, law school, and my professional ambitions for my 20s, as well as the life experiences I want to gain and the ways I hope to grow, I've always envisioned myself getting married around 31. And I'm the same age as the OP so you cannot judge all of us "kids" by him.

I do think teens crave to be in a relationship and to experience love, and that if they haven't had the taste of that yet by the time they finish high school they might feel like there is something abnormal about them or become cynical, without realizing how many others feel just as they do and how normal it actually is. And I think wanting to be kissed, wanting to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, wanting to have a Valentine, all that is not the same as wanting to have a spouse.

 

[lupusFati]

Mmm, well, seems like you're a bit young yet to really know what relationships are about, but that's completely fine too. You're in high school still. High school is about dating for fun and figuring all that life stuff out ahead of time so that when you enter the real world, you're more prepared for Serious Relationships (TM). Kid (and I mean this as a term of endearment, sorry if it rubs you wrong), you have a whole world ahead of you. Glad your vow is so short, at least, but vow or not even we know that it's good to take a break from all that drama once in a while.

Me? I'm not up for a serious commitment, and that's fine. You? You have standards, kid. I like that. But, remember this: You are not blameless in any relationship, no matter whether you feel you messed up or not. Sometimes, people just don't connect, regardless of if mistakes were made or not. You could both be doing everything right, but if you're missing that spark, the relationship will go nowhere fast. Do try not to burn bridges, however. The last relationship Bigby was in, though short lived, ended on mutually friendly terms. Do try to end things that way when you can, though if you can't be "friends" who interact with each other regularly, that's fine too. Oh, and before that relationship? Bigby stopped even trying to date in 9th grade, so that other relationship ended a bit sooner because he was just so inexperienced with it. Among other factors I won't discuss.

Dating should be about fun, though. Fun doesn't have to mean 'sex' or 'making out'. It could be something as simple as coffee or bowling or some other thing. Dating should be about finding that person you can be yourself around, and have fun with. That's how I see it.

Take it from a 39 yr old whose home address is someone else's head; you've got time to figure all this out, so go at your own pace. You're in no rush to "find the one", like media would have you believe. But don't completely close yourself off forever, either, or you'll never find that relationship you desire.

Trust me, most the fun of learning about this sort of thing didn't happen until the Navy and college. Mmm, those were fun memories, heh.

Edit: Realized 5 size font's a bit ridiculous. I'll stick to bold blue Times New Roman at the regular size, for everyone's eyes' sake.

~Zidan, or "Z".

 

[Butterfly99]

Lol, gimme a break. You're still in HS.

 

[malvina]

Unfortunately or fortunately past experiences ruined dating for me. And seriously don't think I will get married which is fine. The l.p. gets I've been in a relationship is one week. The shortest a couple of days. And I did t explain the reasons why the relationships failed. They were honestly mostly on their side. They weren't pulling their weight. My parents won't like my decision to marry but oh well. It's my life.

It takes 2 to make a relationship or marriage
and I takes 2 to break one.