Why keep going?

[LostInLifeAgain123]

Here is my story. I’m currently going thru a marriage separation. When she dropped the bomb that she was filing for divorce I was only able to delay the proceeding by asking for a separation. So our new house that I just bought, my dog, my son, and her are out of my life. She treats me as a distant stranger, I’m a part time father that is second string to her roommates, and my house is occupied by strangers. I’ve lost everything I had worked for.
I tried turning to God in all this and I have to admit this has been a rocky relationship. While trying to cope with the pain and loss of my life I’m reading the bible and trying to live the life Jesus said we should. I met a street pastor who was guest attending a church my friend suggested I go to. We met in the parking lot as we both were lost searching for the church. After talking for a bit I told him my situation and he said it was God’s hand that we met. His wife had left him but they had just reconciled and he said God had put us there so he could tell me that my wife and I would reconcile.

This may sound like good news but its also very difficult to deal with. My worldly mind tells me that its time to move on and give it up. While my wife is out I’m stuck here trying to hold on stopping myself from healing. If I was allowed to move on I could eventually accept the pain of abandonment yet I stay waiting and holding on.

With my walk with God I’ve read the bible and I’ve learned a lot. I want him in my life but I’m starting to realize that in my mind I’m committing a huge sin, Idolatry. To me my pain and my anguish can be cured if God just brings back my wife. My marriage/happiness is an idol that God will smash and take away from me. I can’t turn to him for this pain because it’s an idol and this leaves me bitter.

My hurt is second string to what God wants from me. He wants me to praise him and delight in him. How can I delight in him when before I walked in faith the last time I prayed was a prayer of thanks for all he had given me?
He smashed my happiness to show me that he is my happiness. He caused or allowing my suffering for his glory. I feel like a child thrown into the corner spanked until he says his dad is the best in the world. I can’t question why because his ways are not my ways.

This journey into a Christian life is difficult when I’m not allowed to cope. I can’t get angry and question his ways, when my sadness comes in I should be rejoicing, friends and family lie and betray me I have to run the other cheek, and when my life is in shambles I have to sit here in say “no biggie I have heaven eventually”. I can’t pray for anything because my prayers thus far have been turned against me. God being a jealous God, out of his love, will keep me from my idol of happiness; a covenant I made before him.

 

[Johnnz]

There is some unhelpful idealism amongst what you posted. Trusting God is not to deny our basic humanity, but to discover how God enters into our daily experiences with us and helps us from being shattered by them and becoming transformed instead. That is a learning, lifelong process.

John
NZ

 

[LostInLifeAgain123]

Thanks for your response. I'm having a difficult time and I'm not here to question your faith but to question mine. Some verses in the bible will lift people up and give them hope. Lately I can only find verse that sting. Every bit of grief I feel is wrong cause God is God and he's great.

Here the bible says to just deny yourself and your family.
Matthew 16:24
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.

Matthew 10:37-38
37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.

Romans 12:1
And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.

I get really frustrated when people respond with these verses when hearing about my problem. As if my problems arent worth me being upset.
Colossians 3:2
Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.

James 1:2
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

If I ever wonder why things are happening or why do we suffer for God's glory?
Job 42
42 Then Job replied to the Lord:
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.

 

[1watchman]

Learning to wait on God is always hard ---especially when we are hurting. Don't do anything in a hurry, and just be patient, and see if God brings your wife around to return and repent. If she does not file for divorce there is hope she will realize the need to return. Look up always! God cares!

 

[xTx]

Dear LostinLifeagain, I am very sorry to hear about your situation.

In truth, I do not know how to advise you.

Please take good care of yourself.

Remember to show great love to your child.

He or she might be feeling insecure.

Show to him or her that no matter what, Daddy will always be there for him/her.

May God show you a solution.



xTx

 

[LostInLifeAgain123]

Learning to wait on God is always hard ---especially when we are hurting. Don't do anything in a hurry, and just be patient, and see if God brings your wife around to return and repent. If she does not file for divorce there is hope she will realize the need to return. Look up always! God cares!

I know this sounds cliche but the wait hurts bad. I'm struggling with just giving up and moving on. We havent moved forward the the divorce proceedings yet but will soon.

From a faith standpoint the hardest part is trusting God. It seems that the enemy is has full reign and is turning my prayers against me. So many odds are stacked against me and its hard to not give up. I know I shouldnt blame Him for anything but its hard to feel that he's allowing things to get worse and worse.

 

[LostInLifeAgain123]

Dear LostinLifeagain, I am very sorry to hear about your situation.

In truth, I do not know how to advise you.

Please take good care of yourself.

Remember to show great love to your child.

He or she might be feeling insecure.

Show to him or her that no matter what, Daddy will always be there for him/her.

May God show you a solution.



xTx

My son is the icing on this bitter cake. Last night I got to see him and he said he wanted to go home pretty quickly. The other day I was with him and he was asking if her roommates would be joining us. I'm feeling very distant from everything and i will say that he's wanting to see me less and less.

Generally autistic children and very blunt and don't develop emotional ties/bonds as other children.

Thanks for your prayers and kind words.

 

[joey_downunder]

Here is my story. I’m currently going thru a marriage separation. ..... I’ve lost everything I had worked for.

That situation is really nasty. Strangers in your house as well?! Have you sought legal advice yet?

I met a street pastor who was guest attending a church my friend suggested I go to. ....His wife had left him but they had just reconciled and he said God had put us there so he could tell me that my wife and I would reconcile.

He sounds like a really nice man. It is great you met. However it is unfortunate he made that claim you would reconcile with your wife just like he did. No-one's marriage is the same. Being a pastor does not suddenly make a man infallible. Proceed with caution when people make these type of claims.

This may sound like good news but its also very difficult to deal with. My worldly mind tells me that its time to move on and give it up.

What do you mean by worldly?
e.g. planning options to take IF the marriage permanently ends OR giving up on marriage too easily "no longer in luuuvvv [so trade in for a newer model]" ?

While my wife is out I’m stuck here trying to hold on stopping myself from healing. If I was allowed to move on I could eventually accept the pain of abandonment yet I stay waiting and holding on.

It is hard to tell how long you've been in this situation.
How long ago did the separation occur?
Did she plan this to happen well in advance?

To me my pain and my anguish can be cured if God just brings back my wife. My marriage/happiness is an idol that God will smash and take away from me. I can’t turn to him for this pain because it’s an idol and this leaves me bitter.

You can't see the big picture. God knows all - it is hard to imagine HOW this may be a good thing (for this to happen) but if your marriage has permanently ended this might actually be for the best for you.

Was/is she a Christian? You have to ask yourself that very sincerely; it is not intended to be a "get-out-of-jail-free card"! There is a passage for spouses of non-believers:

1 Corinthians 7:12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

Now not everybody who claims to be a Christian is one - remember Billy Graham's saying — 'Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.'

He wants me to praise him and delight in him. How can I delight in him when before I walked in faith the last time I prayed was a prayer of thanks for all he had given me?

The Book of Psalms has prayers of grieving and crying out to God. e.g. Psalm 55, Psalm 69 , Psalm 102.
God is your Father. Jesus has gone through grief and personal trials in person. Hebrews 4:14-16 God understands your pain and sorrow, be honest and open with Him.

This journey into a Christian life is difficult when I’m not allowed to cope. I can’t get angry and question his ways, when my sadness comes in I should be rejoicing, friends and family lie and betray me I have to run the other cheek, and when my life is in shambles I have to sit here in say “no biggie I have heaven eventually”.

Turn the other cheek does not mean lie down in the dirt and permit yourself to be beaten repeatedly. The True Meaning Of Turn The Other Cheek, What did Jesus mean when He instructed us to turn the other cheek?.

Do not attack them. Romans 12:17-21 However you can defend yourself. Look after yourself. Stand your ground. Do not let yourself be destroyed in the process in case someone accuses you of "being Unchristian". Don't sacrifice your personal self-respect and dignity in the process. Setting & Enforcing Limits & Boundaries

I can’t pray for anything because my prayers thus far have been turned against me. God being a jealous God, out of his love, will keep me from my idol of happiness; a covenant I made before him.

That sounds like a combination of fear and grieving. God's jealousy is a holy one, not a human petty one. God is love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Just pray simple child-like, one sentence prayers for now. e.g. "God help me, I'm hurting so much...." Romans 8:14-17 He understands everything you are going through.

 

[writtenword]

Here is my story. I’m currently going thru a marriage separation. When she dropped the bomb that she was filing for divorce I was only able to delay the proceeding by asking for a separation. So our new house that I just bought, my dog, my son, and her are out of my life. She treats me as a distant stranger, I’m a part time father that is second string to her roommates, and my house is occupied by strangers. I’ve lost everything I had worked for.
I tried turning to God in all this and I have to admit this has been a rocky relationship. While trying to cope with the pain and loss of my life I’m reading the bible and trying to live the life Jesus said we should. I met a street pastor who was guest attending a church my friend suggested I go to. We met in the parking lot as we both were lost searching for the church. After talking for a bit I told him my situation and he said it was God’s hand that we met. His wife had left him but they had just reconciled and he said God had put us there so he could tell me that my wife and I would reconcile.

This may sound like good news but its also very difficult to deal with. My worldly mind tells me that its time to move on and give it up. While my wife is out I’m stuck here trying to hold on stopping myself from healing. If I was allowed to move on I could eventually accept the pain of abandonment yet I stay waiting and holding on.

With my walk with God I’ve read the bible and I’ve learned a lot. I want him in my life but I’m starting to realize that in my mind I’m committing a huge sin, Idolatry. To me my pain and my anguish can be cured if God just brings back my wife. My marriage/happiness is an idol that God will smash and take away from me. I can’t turn to him for this pain because it’s an idol and this leaves me bitter.

My hurt is second string to what God wants from me. He wants me to praise him and delight in him. How can I delight in him when before I walked in faith the last time I prayed was a prayer of thanks for all he had given me?
He smashed my happiness to show me that he is my happiness. He caused or allowing my suffering for his glory. I feel like a child thrown into the corner spanked until he says his dad is the best in the world. I can’t question why because his ways are not my ways.

This journey into a Christian life is difficult when I’m not allowed to cope. I can’t get angry and question his ways, when my sadness comes in I should be rejoicing, friends and family lie and betray me I have to run the other cheek, and when my life is in shambles I have to sit here in say “no biggie I have heaven eventually”. I can’t pray for anything because my prayers thus far have been turned against me. God being a jealous God, out of his love, will keep me from my idol of happiness; a covenant I made before him.

To me, it honestly sounds like the accuser is twisting Scripture on you. Any human being would feel devastated to lose their spouse and child. You didn't turn your marriage into an idol. This an unfair accusation that all of this is your fault because you messed up. My husband often struggles with that kind of guilt.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that your wife has free will. God can convict her, but He can't twist her arm. God isn't pleased to see these things happen. He doesn't enjoy to see you hurt. But clearly, there is at least one person in this family who has issues to work out, and God loves you too much to give you a sham marriage with unresolved issues.

Don't worry about losing the house and the car and the dog. THOSE things are distractions. Don't worry about just getting your wife back - worry about God healing whatever went wrong. Your son doesn't understand why you left, and in his little mind he probably thinks you left him behind. Even if you can't see him often, find ways to express your love. Maybe he won't understand for a few more years, but eventually he will.

These are dry seasons when seeds are sown. Eventually the wheat and the chaff will grow up, and then you'll see.

I know it sounds like cold comfort today. I know you're exhausted. I know you see a long and difficult path before anything gets better. But you know the old poem about the footprints in the sand? This is one of those moments. Make the most of it.

Be strong, brother. You will come out of this better.

 

[LostInLifeAgain123]

That situation is really nasty. Strangers in your house as well?! Have you sought legal advice yet?

No not yet. We both agreed to hold off from any final decisions which include any legal matters. Its a horrible standstill cause emotional ties are being frayed yet legal liability are left in tact.

He sounds like a really nice man. It is great you met. However it is unfortunate he made that claim you would reconcile with your wife just like he did. No-one's marriage is the same. Being a pastor does not suddenly make a man infallible. Proceed with caution when people make these type of claims.

I struggle with that thought as well. Its just hard to deny me getting lost, finding this church at just the right time to meet him, and the fact that it was both of ours first day at that church. It seems too much to be coincidence. At this point I leave it to God's will.

What do you mean by worldly?
e.g. planning options to take IF the marriage permanently ends OR giving up on marriage too easily "no longer in luuuvvv [so trade in for a newer model]" ?

Its either a defense mechanism to let go of this pain and prepare to move on or just a slow acceptance that she's moving on and I should heal. psychologically its basically denying the acceptance stage. Suppressing that feeling just to restart the entire grief process again.

It is hard to tell how long you've been in this situation.
How long ago did the separation occur?
Did she plan this to happen well in advance?

Its been a few months that we separated. She didnt plan that far in advance.

You can't see the big picture. God knows all - it is hard to imagine HOW this may be a good thing (for this to happen) but if your marriage has permanently ended this might actually be for the best for you.

I'm understanding that now. I'm actually starting to accept either possibility and I'm at peace now. I had an event in my last night and I learned something. No matter what happens, I will be ok. God just didnt just grant me this peace in an instant while I was on my knees praying. He put me in a situation that I couldnt deny was his doing.

Was/is she a Christian? You have to ask yourself that very sincerely; it is not intended to be a "get-out-of-jail-free card"! There is a passage for spouses of non-believers:

She is not a Christian. She is more spiritual believing there is something out there. I am at peace with her leaving. It still does hurt at the thought of her with someone else or the thought of losing it all, etc. Again, I had such an eye opening experience that I will be ok no matter what.

I will say that your comment was very appreciated. It was hard for me to accept when people would throw a scripture my way and walk away. It felt like when your explaining why you're hurting and someone would interrupt you to say "stop complaining it'll be ok". The grieving process involves feeling your emotions and letting them not. Trying to suppress them and just accept it was how I felt it mean to be a Christian. Thank you and Im sorry I can't put into words how much I appreciated your comments.

 

[LostInLifeAgain123]

To me, it honestly sounds like the accuser is twisting Scripture on you. Any human being would feel devastated to lose their spouse and child. You didn't turn your marriage into an idol. This an unfair accusation that all of this is your fault because you messed up. My husband often struggles with that kind of guilt.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that your wife has free will. God can convict her, but He can't twist her arm. God isn't pleased to see these things happen. He doesn't enjoy to see you hurt. But clearly, there is at least one person in this family who has issues to work out, and God loves you too much to give you a sham marriage with unresolved issues.

Don't worry about losing the house and the car and the dog. THOSE things are distractions. Don't worry about just getting your wife back - worry about God healing whatever went wrong. Your son doesn't understand why you left, and in his little mind he probably thinks you left him behind. Even if you can't see him often, find ways to express your love. Maybe he won't understand for a few more years, but eventually he will.

These are dry seasons when seeds are sown. Eventually the wheat and the chaff will grow up, and then you'll see.

I know it sounds like cold comfort today. I know you're exhausted. I know you see a long and difficult path before anything gets better. But you know the old poem about the footprints in the sand? This is one of those moments. Make the most of it.

Be strong, brother. You will come out of this better.

I admit that my marriage was an idol in my heart. I wasn’t a person that prayed or read the bible when things were good. After it went bad, I started praying. I was only being obedient to get God to fix the situation. I felt in my heart that God can’t make me happy unless he fixes my marriage. I can say that with a peaceful heart now. I know my sin and I repent.

I know that God has given up free will but I know that God can convict and twist someone’s arm. He’s done it with me when I was going to make some bad decisions recently.

My son is autistic and so certain concepts such as “daddy doesn’t live here” he doesn’t get. As long as he sees me he is content. I haven’t lost my car so that’s another item I have taken for granted. If you had met my dog you would be right there morning with me. My dog is an amazing. There aren’t a lot of dogs that sit when you say lay down or laydown when you say sit.

Last night I had an experience that God was showing me that I will be ok. He will grant me peace and happiness. I know this sounds weird but it would sting when people would just write a scripture or two and tell me to stop being sad.

I actually resented it cause I needed to grieve. When I got the chance to grieve and properly move on things changed. Its hard to hear that still small voice when you’re constantly screaming in pain and anger.

Sincerely, thank for your reply.

 

[Arcwood]

Rough.
If I knew you better or personally my advice might be a little more specialized and helpful.

I really am sorry for you,

but I do not feel it is wise to struggle to retain to much of your wealth from this relationship. Anything she has hopefully your son will receive also.
Take your fair portion without complaint to God. I assure you, you will get your portion back if not in this life time in the Next. God is suffering through this with you as a victim aswell.

I suggest you take your wealth that you can, and find a nice village in a Spanish region of south/central America and contribute your wealth and time and good cheer of faith with the people of a poor nation.
Learn their language and return as often as you can. It may be beneficial to marry a woman there and bring her back with you, so that you can both earn higher wages in your country of origin and bring it back to these people.

Make sure that if this is your plan. You always budget your money so that you can afford housing in the USA (I assume you are American) so that you can work when you need to to bring money back.

I promise that if you marry out of love of God for this purpose instead of out of sexual desire, and you restrain from sexual activities. You will be regarded by God with great honor, and even your son will admire you.

This will reserve a spot for you in retirement, and aid a community in a way greater than charity. For Christ lives in you, and you are more valuable then money.

I'm sorry if this is not good advice. But I suggest this to everyone. I am going to Mexico in January.

If anything else.
I hope you adore God and do not spite him for this.
This is not the work of God.