Why is God road blocking my path to change?

[Chadical Right]

Coming here feels like an act of desperation.

The last year and a half of my life has been hell. Ruminating through the past is rather inconsequential, but let’s just say it’s been full of death threats, people actively trying to destroy my life, my social circle dissolving, and ultimately what feels like a huge curse on my life. I’ve watched a man die in my arms, my truck rolled in the mountains which left me in a state where I just felt like shaking my fist to the sky and provoked Him to bring on whatever is next.

It has been non-stop negativity and isolation. I’ve spent thousands on therapy, threw my ego and pride out the window and reached out to everyone I could think of for help. My family and a select few people have been the only ones I feel I could trust and rely on.

For whatever reason, this has led me to seek God out again. And I’m just left more confused and puzzled then I think I ever have been about God in my life. It’s led to a deep seated resentment and borderline hatred of Him. I have blasphemed and cursed God more than I can count. What an asinine position to be in to begin acknowledging the Creator God again for the first time in 10 years and to actively begin spitting vitriolic, spiteful hatred towards Him.

I feel like there is nothing that could ever possibly compel him to action unless it was already in His will. How many prayers do I need to pray? 1000? 1001?

I don’t even know how to approach Him anymore without gritting my teeth and seething. I pray for clarity and for a way to overcome this deception but He does not seem to care. I’m more inclined to think He’s just not even aware I exist never mind give the insinuation he even acts for or against me like it’s even worth a shred of thought for Him.

I don’t know how to escape this.

 

[Benjamin Müller]

What made you forsake him 10 years ago? How far back does this bitterness go?

 

[Chadical Right]

What made you forsake him 10 years ago? How far back does this bitterness go?

I grew up in a Christian home. I was sexually abused throughout my teens by a man in church. Didn’t really acknowledge it till I was 24-25. Never had a real experience of God. Felt like people were absolutely full of it.

I paralleled it to flat earthers, just a community of like-minded people playing make believe searching for emotional highs and calling it God.

Took me a long while to separate people from theology.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Coming here feels like an act of desperation.

The last year and a half of my life has been hell. Ruminating through the past is rather inconsequential, but let’s just say it’s been full of death threats, people actively trying to destroy my life, my social circle dissolving, and ultimately what feels like a huge curse on my life. I’ve watched a man die in my arms, my truck rolled in the mountains which left me in a state where I just felt like shaking my fist to the sky and provoked Him to bring on whatever is next.

It has been non-stop negativity and isolation. I’ve spent thousands on therapy, threw my ego and pride out the window and reached out to everyone I could think of for help. My family and a select few people have been the only ones I feel I could trust and rely on.

For whatever reason, this has led me to seek God out again. And I’m just left more confused and puzzled then I think I ever have been about God in my life. It’s led to a deep seated resentment and borderline hatred of Him. I have blasphemed and cursed God more than I can count. What an asinine position to be in to begin acknowledging the Creator God again for the first time in 10 years and to actively begin spitting vitriolic, spiteful hatred towards Him.

I feel like there is nothing that could ever possibly compel him to action unless it was already in His will. How many prayers do I need to pray? 1000? 1001?

I don’t even know how to approach Him anymore without gritting my teeth and seething. I pray for clarity and for a way to overcome this deception but He does not seem to care. I’m more inclined to think He’s just not even aware I exist never mind give the insinuation he even acts for or against me like it’s even worth a shred of thought for Him.

I don’t know how to escape this.

Welcome to CF. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. It is no wonder you are feeling such emotions towards God. Interestingly, your emotion of hate towards God, may be motivated by a strong sense of attachment, in other words , you actually have a relationship with Him though negative at the moment. He is basically your punching bag while you process deep rooted issues. That being said, I am no therapist but what I do know is our Lord. He is VERY patient. He knows your pain and He knows you blame Him. So give yourself a break while you process these feelings. It's okay. Just remember that it IS in His will to lead you out of darkness and into His light. One day soon you will come to know this.
Be blessed. I'll pray for you.

 

[Unqualified]

How do you feel when you are being cursed? You got your fill of God, now you got your fill of the world. Which way do you want to go? Can He trust you? It takes awhile to get blessings when you have tasted His goodness had the HS and denied the son of God. In fact it says no man can bring you back. Read your Bible, pray, wait on Him.

 

[Chadical Right]

How do you feel when you are being cursed? You got your fill of God, now you got your fill of the world. Which way do you want to go? Can He trust you? It takes awhile to get blessings when you have tasted His goodness had the HS and denied the son of God. In fact it says no man can bring you back. Read your Bible, pray, wait on Him.

I’m all for hard truths, but can you try to make a little more sense and use some grammar when messaging? That was painful to read through.

I would argue I’ve never had a genuine revelation of Christ. To be born into it doesn’t mean I lived it. I never understood it.

Elaborate on “no man can bring you back”. If that were true what good is the message of the prodigal’s son?

 

[Chadical Right]

Welcome to CF. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. It is no wonder you are feeling such emotions towards God. Interestingly, your emotion of hate towards God, may be motivated by a strong sense of attachment, in other words , you actually have a relationship with Him though negative at the moment. He is basically your punching bag while you process deep rooted issues. That being said, I am no therapist but what I do know is our Lord. He is VERY patient. He knows your pain and He knows you blame Him. So give yourself a break while you process these feelings. It's okay. Just remember that it IS in His will to lead you out of darkness and into His light. One day soon you will come to know this.
Be blessed. I'll pray for you.

I can’t allow myself to be flippant with God’s grace anymore. One thing I’ve learned and have tried to take seriously is God’s sovereignty. He is creator and I am creation. I fear knowing that I am stupid enough to spite Him and am keenly aware He is full of grace to even let me do it without succumbing to His absolutely justified wrath.

I feel sick. And just wish I knew how to break away from this. All while knowing it’s self-induced.

 

[Unqualified]

I’m all for hard truths, but can you try to make a little more sense and use some grammar when messaging? That was painful to read through.

I would argue I’ve never had a genuine revelation of Christ. To be born into it doesn’t mean I lived it. I never understood it.

Elaborate on “no man can bring you back”. If that were true what good is the message of the prodigal’s son?

Hebrews 6:4-6

 

[Chadical Right]

Hey man, thanks. I’ll accept my condemnation with grace. At least do the same and learn how to type a full, legible sentence.

 

[Unqualified]

Read Bible, pray, wait on God. That’s what I did in a similar situation. Don’t give up.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I can’t allow myself to be flippant with God’s grace anymore. One thing I’ve learned and have tried to take seriously is God’s sovereignty. He is creator and I am creation. I fear knowing that I am stupid enough to spite Him and am keenly aware He is full of grace to even let me do it without succumbing to His absolutely justified wrath.

I feel sick. And just wish I knew how to break away from this. All while knowing it’s self-induced.

By chance do you lean towards Calvinism? In other words, God's sovereignty gives us no free will ?

 

[Benjamin Müller]

The poster who tried to accuse you of the unpardonable sin should be ashamed of themselves.

I'm sorry about all your struggles It takes time to build a relationship with anyone, especially God. The fact that you're here and acknowledging Him, maybe the intent of your trials, to bring you back to Him. For whom the Lord loves, He chastens. And just like how parents discipline each child differently, all our trials are different.

God wants to have a relationship with you, and sometimes, we just have to be honest and upfront with God with all our emotions and feelings. I have found that when I've been frustrated at God, I've always done it in ignorance because at that time I couldn't see the plan. God has good things in store for you, better than the life you have now.

The only way to get over the emotions is to build a relationship with God. Prayer is talking to Him and Reading and Studying the Bible is Him talking to you and both are necessary for fluid communication between us. In some ways, I almost think going to church would be detrimental for you right now, so I wouldn't recommend that because you need to establish that relationship, you can't let a minister tell you how to do it, or threaten hellfire and brimstone while you're struggling.

I've been feeling down lately and have stopped listening to sermons because it feels so. . .I don't know. . .empty. The churches I've been experiencing are empty. It's the motions of Christianity and not Christianity itself. I actually started watching kids Bible Stories Cartoons XD And the ironic thing is that while I'm watching it, I'm learning more and little things prick my ears and I go and investigate. It's sad when I feel like a children's cartoon is actually doing more for me than the ministers.

Since you've never had a real relationship with God and it's written that we are to become like little children in order to enter the kingdom of God, start where you are as a babe in Christ. It can feel daunting when there's a huge Bible with so much to read and remember and quote, but just start at the beginning and take it one chapter at a time. And seriously. . .if you're willing to try watching kids bible cartoons, maybe it'll help with remembering some of the stories and impressing ideas on you.

 

[I's2C]

Coming here feels like an act of desperation.

The last year and a half of my life has been hell. Ruminating through the past is rather inconsequential, but let’s just say it’s been full of death threats, people actively trying to destroy my life, my social circle dissolving, and ultimately what feels like a huge curse on my life. I’ve watched a man die in my arms, my truck rolled in the mountains which left me in a state where I just felt like shaking my fist to the sky and provoked Him to bring on whatever is next.

It has been non-stop negativity and isolation. I’ve spent thousands on therapy, threw my ego and pride out the window and reached out to everyone I could think of for help. My family and a select few people have been the only ones I feel I could trust and rely on.

For whatever reason, this has led me to seek God out again. And I’m just left more confused and puzzled then I think I ever have been about God in my life. It’s led to a deep seated resentment and borderline hatred of Him. I have blasphemed and cursed God more than I can count. What an asinine position to be in to begin acknowledging the Creator God again for the first time in 10 years and to actively begin spitting vitriolic, spiteful hatred towards Him.

I feel like there is nothing that could ever possibly compel him to action unless it was already in His will. How many prayers do I need to pray? 1000? 1001?

I don’t even know how to approach Him anymore without gritting my teeth and seething. I pray for clarity and for a way to overcome this deception but He does not seem to care. I’m more inclined to think He’s just not even aware I exist never mind give the insinuation he even acts for or against me like it’s even worth a shred of thought for Him.

I don’t know how to escape this.

You putting the blame on the wrong entity!! These are tactics of Satan not GOD. CHRIST gave us the authority over him and his minions; gird up your loins and stand up. Rebuke all the evil and with authority order them out your life in JESUS name. Bless your home with the oil of our people. GOD makes a promise to all who love HIM; that HE will never forsake you unless you forsake HIM! HE also makes another promise that if you blame HIM for burdens than HE will give you a burden. GOD is a heart knower and you may fool man but you can never fool GOD. Get on knees and ask your FATHER/CREATOR what you are doing wrong, if anything and how to get out of it? HE loves all those who love HIM, and helps all who help themselves what you cant handle CHRIST is quick to help, I have personally witnessed my entire life as long as I have been fallowing HIS health laws, all HIS laws and ordinances as best I could. But what HE thinks you need may be totally different that what you think you need.

 

[Aussie Pete]

Coming here feels like an act of desperation.

The last year and a half of my life has been hell. Ruminating through the past is rather inconsequential, but let’s just say it’s been full of death threats, people actively trying to destroy my life, my social circle dissolving, and ultimately what feels like a huge curse on my life. I’ve watched a man die in my arms, my truck rolled in the mountains which left me in a state where I just felt like shaking my fist to the sky and provoked Him to bring on whatever is next.

It has been non-stop negativity and isolation. I’ve spent thousands on therapy, threw my ego and pride out the window and reached out to everyone I could think of for help. My family and a select few people have been the only ones I feel I could trust and rely on.

For whatever reason, this has led me to seek God out again. And I’m just left more confused and puzzled then I think I ever have been about God in my life. It’s led to a deep seated resentment and borderline hatred of Him. I have blasphemed and cursed God more than I can count. What an asinine position to be in to begin acknowledging the Creator God again for the first time in 10 years and to actively begin spitting vitriolic, spiteful hatred towards Him.

I feel like there is nothing that could ever possibly compel him to action unless it was already in His will. How many prayers do I need to pray? 1000? 1001?

I don’t even know how to approach Him anymore without gritting my teeth and seething. I pray for clarity and for a way to overcome this deception but He does not seem to care. I’m more inclined to think He’s just not even aware I exist never mind give the insinuation he even acts for or against me like it’s even worth a shred of thought for Him.

I don’t know how to escape this.

You need to repent. God is God, you are not. In effect, God said to Job, "Who do you think you are?" You need to humble yourself and confess your sin of doubt and unbelief for a start. You do need to be honest, which you are being here. That's a good start, but not enough. You need to quit doubting and take God at His word. Your only plea is the blood of Jesus. Ask Him to cleanse you from your sin. Even your repentence needs to be washed in the Blood, because it will be mixed with sin and wrong motives. And God will cleanse you to the extent that it will be as if you never sinned.

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who approaches Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him." Hebrews 11:6 God cannot lie. If there is a problem, it is with us, not God.

I've had to go through this myself, many years ago now. I learned at lot - the hard way. Getting mad at God is like a deep sea diver cutting his airline. He will be free, for about 3 minutes. Then he will die. We don't die physically, we do shrivel up spiritually.

 

[Lost Witness]

Coming here feels like an act of desperation.

The last year and a half of my life has been hell. Ruminating through the past is rather inconsequential, but let’s just say it’s been full of death threats, people actively trying to destroy my life, my social circle dissolving, and ultimately what feels like a huge curse on my life. I’ve watched a man die in my arms, my truck rolled in the mountains which left me in a state where I just felt like shaking my fist to the sky and provoked Him to bring on whatever is next.

It has been non-stop negativity and isolation. I’ve spent thousands on therapy, threw my ego and pride out the window and reached out to everyone I could think of for help. My family and a select few people have been the only ones I feel I could trust and rely on.

For whatever reason, this has led me to seek God out again. And I’m just left more confused and puzzled then I think I ever have been about God in my life. It’s led to a deep seated resentment and borderline hatred of Him. I have blasphemed and cursed God more than I can count. What an asinine position to be in to begin acknowledging the Creator God again for the first time in 10 years and to actively begin spitting vitriolic, spiteful hatred towards Him.

I feel like there is nothing that could ever possibly compel him to action unless it was already in His will. How many prayers do I need to pray? 1000? 1001?

I don’t even know how to approach Him anymore without gritting my teeth and seething. I pray for clarity and for a way to overcome this deception but He does not seem to care. I’m more inclined to think He’s just not even aware I exist never mind give the insinuation he even acts for or against me like it’s even worth a shred of thought for Him.

I don’t know how

See clearly he's called you back as a man doesn't return on his own.
All you've given to him in prayer he wants.
But we must come to an end of ourselves so he can continue what he's started in us, this I'm learning more each day.

Just get into prayer and remember the LORD wants it all, the Good, the bad and the ugly.

 

[Kale100]

OP, your story reminds me a lot of a lot of the stories here. Why not skim the site, give one or two a listen?

Browse All Programs | Unshackled

True stories that make you face yourself and think.

unshackled.org

 

[Sabertooth]

Do I Trust You? Twila Paris (1984)​

 

[OldAbramBrown]

Hebrews 6:4-6

"Unqualified": This refers to the false teachers which OP isn't. HTH