Why is finding someone so hard?

[mindfulness]

With all due respect, I don't "love" someone I merely have an interest. This is not the first time this has come up in a discussion. Is it common for people to be in love with someone who doesn't love them back? Infatuation maybe...but love?

Well how would I know? I can't say I've ever read your posts before joining here.

Is it possible to love somebody and not be loved back? Absolutely.

 

[exitstageright]

Approach anxiety is keeping me back, I don't know about the guys on this forum. I'd guess more than a few have the same problem (they just don't want to admit it!). As a guy, it's very troublesome. For the ladies, I suspect their reasons for being single are different, of course.

Well,at 57, I no longer have approach anxiety.Tommorow,I will be in a position for a single christian woman to approach me. You see, I volinteered to be a helper at a "Women OF Faith " meeting near where I live. These meetings,at this Convention Center, usually will have about 17,000 christain ladies attending. Now granted,not ALL of these women will be single. However, I am sure that THOUSANDS of the women WILL be single.
The dress code for the male volinteers will be casual. I will not be wearing jeans. I will be wearing black slacks and a long sleeved shirt. I will wear a color in which I have head women tell me,including my boss,that looks good on me. I will also be wearing just a touch of colonge that women have told me smells good on me. Yes,I am going to be "on the hunt",and why not?
If I want to meet a nice christian lady,the odds are so much better in my favor helping out at the "Women of Faith" meeting than sitting home on a Saturday morning watching re-runs of "I Love Lucy" or re-runs of "Leave It To Beaver".
By the way,there is nothing wrong with those shows. I like them very much. BUT,instead of COMPLAINING that I do not have anyone,I am DOING something about it. I will let you know how well I did. I am confident, that out of THOUSANDS of women,SOMEONE would find me attractive.

 

[Blank123]

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[Hadassah_]

Well how would I know? I can't say I've ever read your posts before joining here.

Is it possible to love somebody and not be loved back? Absolutely.

I think we should be friends.

 

[mindfulness]

Well,at 57, I no longer have approach anxiety.Tommorow,I will be in a position for a single christian woman to approach me. You see, I volinteered to be a helper at a "Women OF Faith " meeting near where I live. These meetings,at this Convention Center, usually will have about 17,000 christain ladies attending. Now granted,not ALL of these women will be single. However, I am sure that THOUSANDS of the women WILL be single.
The dress code for the male volinteers will be casual. I will not be wearing jeans. I will be wearing black slacks and a long sleeved shirt. I will wear a color in which I have head women tell me,including my boss,that looks good on me. I will also be wearing just a touch of colonge that women have told me smells good on me. Yes,I am going to be "on the hunt",and why not?
If I want to meet a nice christian lady,the odds are so much better in my favor helping out at the "Women of Faith" meeting than sitting home on a Saturday morning watching re-runs of "I Love Lucy" or re-runs of "Leave It To Beaver".
By the way,there is nothing wrong with those shows. I like them very much. BUT,instead of COMPLAINING that I do not have anyone,I am DOING something about it.

This is a good post!

Rock on, brother! You need to grab the bull by the horns (so to speak) and seize the day while you're still young! Age is just a number, right?

I decided I have to get out there and start meeting more people too, rather than sitting back and watching my life pass me by! Doing something about it is great! I hope to start soon myself too!

 

[MacFall]

You know, the "friendship first" way of doing things was how it was done from the time that we finally got rid of arranged marriages until the last couple of decades. Our much-belittled "ideology" happens to have a couple of centuries of success. Not just a few counter-examples to your generalization.

 

[Hadassah_]

You know, the "friendship first" way of doing things was how it was done from the time that we finally got rid of arranged marriages until the last couple of decades. Our much-belittled "ideology" happens to have a couple of centuries of success. Not just a few counter-examples to your generalization.

 

[mindfulness]

You know, the "friendship first" way of doing things was how it was done from the time that we finally got rid of arranged marriages until the last couple of decades. Our much-belittled "ideology" happens to have a couple of centuries of success. Not just a few counter-examples to your generalization.

Problem is, we don't live 200 years yester-yore, so what worked yesterday may not work today or tomorrow. Times change, and if people fail to adapt, they are usually left behind in the dust.

 

[MacFall]

Man's social form is a reflection of God's design. We don't just shed our social form to change with the times. The spirit of the times rises up again and again, in different ways, to try to overthrow it. This time around it's the rejection of philos and agape in the pursuit of eros. Actually, that's nothing new - but this time, for some reason, the western Church has swallowed it along with everyone else.

 

[mindfulness]

Man's social form is a reflection of God's design. We don't just shed our social form to change with the times. The spirit of the times rises up again and again, in different ways, to try to overthrow it. This time around it's the rejection of philos and agape in the pursuit of eros. Actually, that's nothing new - but this time, for some reason, the western Church has swallowed it along with everyone else.

So, talking to women is somehow equated (in your mind) with sinning against God's "social order"? Do you realize the heuristics you have to go through to rationalize your fear of rejection with women?

And yes, we know. Sexuality is evil. Desire is evil. I've heard all the sermons, bought all the tapes and even own the t-shirt on that one. Christianity has done wonders to make people feel ashamed of their own God-given desires. For shame, church. For shame.

 

[MacFall]

No, no, NO. Please, stop misrepresenting what I'm saying. It's getting obnoxious. There's nothing sinful about talking to women. But there certainly is with accepting the modern dating culture under the idea that we have to conform to the world's ideas of how we ought to relate to people. Your disdain for friendship as the foundation of relationships reflects that.

 

[mindfulness]

No, no, NO. Please, stop misrepresenting what I'm saying. It's getting obnoxious. There's nothing sinful about talking to women. But there certainly is with accepting the modern dating culture under the idea that we have to conform to the world's ideas of how we ought to relate to people. Your disdain for friendship as the foundation of relationships reflects that.

If that isn't what you meant, then perhaps you ought to select your choice of words more carefully. No one is twisting anything here or in the other discussion.

Based off of what you propose, if anyone followed your advice, they'd be waiting around for the perfect friendship to fall from the sky. Which will never happen. How do you make friends? Certainly not by keeping to yourself and being Mr. Wallflower. But that's what you advocate.

I can imagine you on an online dating site. You see someone you might like, so you DON'T contact her because it would be emotional abuse or whatever. I don't get it... But it's because I don't want to.

 

[MacFall]

Funny thing - those who have "followed my advice" (quotes in deference to the fact that they are actually the ones who advised ME on the matter) did no such thing. They made friends with everyone they could, and married their best friends of the opposite sex. Worked beautifully. Didn't stop working beautifully when the pickup artist culture came up with the meme that "friends shouldn't date".

And yeah, I think it is only because you don't want to understand what I'm saying that you keep misrepresenting me. I'd wager it's clear enough to everyone else.

 

[mindfulness]

Funny thing - those who have "followed my advice" (quotes in deference to the fact that they are actually the ones who advised ME on the matter) did no such thing. They made friends with everyone they could, and married their best friends of the opposite sex. Worked beautifully. Didn't stop working beautifully when the pickup artist culture came up with the meme that "friends shouldn't date".

And yeah, I think it is only because you don't want to understand what I'm saying that you keep misrepresenting me. I'd wager it's clear enough to everyone else.

Friends should date. Provided one thing: There is attraction there mutually between both parties.

If not, they should not. If you agree, we're on the same page.

But to get into a "friendship" with someone in hopes of it somehow one day leading to something more is incredibly stupid and very dishonest. Since you pride yourself on being a man of great morality, you ought to agree there.

 

[Hadassah_]

But to get into a "friendship" with someone in hopes of it somehow one day leading to something more is incredibly stupid and very dishonest. Since you pride yourself on being a man of great morality, you ought to agree there.

This is the first logical thing you've said all night. No one is saying to make friends with someone just to date. Just to keep options open with friends because one never knows.

 

[mindfulness]

This is the first logical thing you've said all night. No one is saying to make friends with someone just to date. Just to keep options open with friends because one never knows.

I'm not really following here.

In this example, are you attracted to your friends or no? Because if you are, then why wouldn't you push for something more with them? And if not, then again obviously, why would you push for something more?

What if you don't have any female friends? What then?

What if you don't want any? (Change your mind, I know.)

But I am interested in hearing your answer to the first couple questions.

 

[Hadassah_]

I'm not really following here.

In this example, are you attracted to your friends or no? Because if you are, then why wouldn't you push for something more with them? And if not, then again obviously, why would you push for something more?

What if you don't have any female friends? What then?

What if you don't want any? (Change your mind, I know.)

But I am interested in hearing your answer to the first couple questions.

No, I'm rarely attracted to friends. I'm very open minded and willing to see what the Lord has in store for me. You see, I know what I like, but I don't know what He has in store for me. So I just live my life, make friends where I can. If someone catches my eye or mind, then I'll pray about it and see what's next. If nothing, then nothing.

I've always felt God puts people in our lives for a reason and I take advantage of that. Is it always to be with them? No. But I make some amazing friends.

 

[mindfulness]

No, I'm rarely attracted to friends. I'm very open minded and willing to see what the Lord has in store for me. You see, I know what I like, but I don't know what He has in store for me. So I just live my life, make friends where I can. If someone catches my eye or mind, then I'll pray about it and see what's next. If nothing, then nothing.

I've always felt God puts people in our lives for a reason and I take advantage of that. Is it always to be with them? No. But I make some amazing friends.

So you think God is going to make you marry somebody you are not attracted to? Is that it?

I disagree entirely with that premise. God would not do that.

Do whatever works for you. I'm mostly talking to guys, and MacFall, about how we, as men, ought to be DOING something, rather than sitting here lamenting our singleness as a plague.

But you gotta do what works best FOR YOU. If this is working for you, God bless. I'm not trying to take away from how you live your life.

 

[Hadassah_]

Thank you for your permission to live my life. I will say your analysis of what I said is completely off the mark but for someone hung up on the physical aspect I wouldn't expect you to understand.

 

[mindfulness]

Thank you for your permission to live my life. I will say your analysis of what I said is completely off the mark but for someone hung up on the physical aspect I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Don't worry; most people aren't hung up on looks and aren't shallow like me. I'm definitely in the minority here.