Why I cannot get into a Relationship

[UltimateItalian]

I figured this was the right place to post this. I guess I just need to get this out of my system as I haven't talked about this topic to anyone for over 3 years. I wish I wanted to be in a relationship because it would probably be very enjoyable if the 2 relationships that I have had are any indicator. However, 3 years ago I found out that guys who are in a relationship are still attracted to other women and I just cannot get past that. The idea seems foreign and perverse to me.

Just to be clear, I am not talking about simply thinking that other women are pretty. I myself think that lots of women are pretty although I am straight. However, I'm talking about being attracted to them. Yes, I know that this feeling of attraction only lasts a few seconds and the man forgets about it, but to me, feeling attracted to someone is more than platonic so I would not be okay with it if I had a boyfriend who was attracted to other women, and from what I have learned, this is what men are naturally like due to testosterone or how they are wired.

I personally love seeing handsome men when I am single. When I walk past them, I feel excitement. If I happen to walk very close to them I feel electricity! However, the second I even have a crush on a guy, my ability to feel attracted to other men instantly vanishes. Sure, I can form an opinion that guys are handsome, but I don't feel attracted to them. In fact, if I watch a TV show and see 2 handsome guys on it, my brain automatically chooses one to feel those pleasurable feelings of attraction towards. I am incapable of being attracted to 2 men at the same time. There was a certain singer that I thought was handsome and when I was single, if I saw him on TV I felt attraction and excitement. It was very enjoyable. However, when I got into a relationship, I saw that same singer giving an interview on TV. It was around 15 minutes. I felt absolutely none of that attraction I had felt when I was single. I didn't even have to try to push it away; it simply was not there.

It's not that I think if a guy is attracted to someone else, he's going to act on it. I also know it doesn't mean the guy thinks she is better, prettier, or doesn't like me as much. However, to me it just seems inappropriate. For most women I would probably say that kissing crosses the line. For me, that line is crossed if a man experiences attraction towards another woman even if only for a split second. Of course I wish this didn't bother me. I have talked to many women, some of them Christian, and even to a reverend, and they all said I am very unusual to be bothered by this. They say it shouldn't bother me unless the person were to actually act on their attraction. But I just can't deal with it.

 

[JohnNess]

I think there are two parts to this:
1. As a guy, this is something we really have a hard time not doing. We're very visual creatures and for us, sexual attraction has little to do with emotional connection. That's not a good or a bad thing; it's simply how we are. For us, a fair deal of the emotional high we get from sex is the feeling that the person we're with wants us. That look of desire in their eyes is sort of similar to a handsome man looking deep into your eyes and telling you how beautiful you are.
All that said, yes, we struggle with lust, even when we get married. It's wrong, and a good, godly man wars against it. But it's an ongoing war.
2. I think it's frankly a little unreasonable to judge someone for being tempted. It's the giving in to temptation that is the sin. Attraction is not a sin, even when someone is married; it is the dwelling on that attraction that becomes sin. And besides, even though you don't feel attraction for anyone else when you're in a relationship, can you honestly say that there are absolutely no areas in your life in which your basic needs are taken care of and you don't want anything else, even for a second? If you do and you can't turn these desires off, how can you expect a man to turn off his like a lightswitch?

 

[dayhiker]

wow, UltimateItalian,
We are so opposites. I like GF who if able to talk about who she is attracted to and if free to talk about who I'm attracted to.
I can't remember the last time I was jealous. Sometimes I even point out an attractive guy who she can tell me what she things.
I find this so much more enjoyable in relationship that all this pretending attraction to other human beings isn't there. Tho sounds like that
isn't your experience.
Did you see a couple that was really hurt by this type of thing when you were younger?

 

[Sparletta]

I'm similar, although I do have a boyfriend. I think it's a personality thing. The plus side of this 'problem' that you have, is that if you ever do get married/date someone you are likely to be very very faithful to them.

The down side is that you will have to get used to your spouse being attracted to others. For me, I can accept that, but when my boyfriend is with girls who are very 'chatty' there is the tendency for me to interpret it as flirting all the time, and it really gets me down sometimes because I think that he is 'into' them.

I think that perhaps you probably have an active 'theory of mind' (this is the psychological term for imagining what others may feel or think). It's ok, I do too, and sometimes it can be very helpful don't let it get in the way of dating the man of your dreams though.

Hope this didn't sound like a load of rubbish haha