Why Go On ????????????

[PrairieGurl]

As I've been reading all these entries I thought I would be encouraged. At this time my question is "Why go on"? I don't know if I'm angry, sad, indifferent. I feel numb. Nothing seems to bring a smile or joy. I've read back on some of my entries and feel like a fake. I have a lump in my throat but the tears won't come and it hurts. No cure for BP????? Even on meds and doing "the right thing", eg. go for a walk. This is my life from here on? Dear God what's happened to me?

 

[Alive again]

THERE IS TREATMENT FOR BP!!!!! And it makes a huge diffrence when you find the right meds and combos. I have an appt today with voc rehab to get help to get my RN liscense back so i can retrun to work. THERE IS HOPE!!! Yes, this is a life ong illness, just like diabetes or heart disease that must be treated for life.

Please remeber that the body system that this illness effects is your brain/your thinking. The feelings of hopelessness and despair you are expressing are a symptom of your illness, NOT REALITY!!!

If you cannot deal with these feelings safely on your own, call your doctor, go to the hospital or call a crisis center. since I have been on the right meds, those days I spent feeling like you are right now are becoming a distant memory!!! Please get help if you need it right away!!!

Blessings and Prayers!

 

[wonderwaleye]

Dear Wanttobe


I was a hair away from pulling the trigger when I told my wife to take me to the hospital.


It felt GOOD when they locked the doors behind me!!! Because then I couldn't carry out my plan.


Why Go On ????????????

1. GOD'S WORD SAYS WE SHALL NOT TAKE OUR OWN LIFE!!!

2. BECAUSE JESUS SUFFERED MUCH MORE JUST FOR US AND IT SHALL NOT BE IN VAIN.

3. IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD AND HIS WORD THEN YOU KNOW THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH. DO WE WANT TO FACE JUDGEMENT FOR THIS ACT???

4. BECAUSE THERE ARE MEDS OUT THERE THAT WILL OVERCOME YOUR SYMPTOMS.

5. SO THAT YOU BRING NOT SORROW TO THOSE THAT LOVE YOU.

6. SO THAT YOU CAN BE ANOINTED BY GOD AND CARRY OUT THE MISSION THAT GOD PUT YOU HERE FOR.

7. MOST OF ALL!!! BECAUSE GOD LOVES US AND WILL SEE US THROUGH!!!


MAKE YOURSELF REMEMBER:




X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O
( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven

 

[gracegetsusthere]

As I've been reading all these entries I thought I would be encouraged. At this time my question is "Why go on"? I don't know if I'm angry, sad, indifferent. I feel numb. Nothing seems to bring a smile or joy. I've read back on some of my entries and feel like a fake. I have a lump in my throat but the tears won't come and it hurts. No cure for BP????? Even on meds and doing "the right thing", eg. go for a walk. This is my life from here on? Dear God what's happened to me?

Hey ... I hear some serious depression ... where do you put yourself on a scale of 1-10 right now? 1 is totally depressed, 10 is totally manic (and usually with alot of new clothes ;-P )

How long have you been diagnosed?

when I am in my good days, I don't even think of bipolar disorder as an illness, nor as something that needs to be cured. Sure, when I am depressed, I feel like an incurable leper. But when I am stable, I just think that I bring something different to God's plan. You know, that I am "different" not "disabled".

Bipolar doesn't mean you are broken. It means you are like a little red Maserati and everything affects your performance so it is important to watch everything that comes near you and what you put in you - just like if you owned that $350,000 sports car.

You aren't broken. Right now, you need a tune up. That is all.

Love,
Jan

 

[PrairieGurl]

Hey Jan,
I was just diagnosed with BP a few weeks ago. On a scale of 1-10 on how depressed I am, today I must say 7.

I have been put on new meds. They are the type that you start low and work your way up till you notice a change in your life. Patience unforturnately is not something I seem to possess these days. The Lord and I will have to work on that. I am also battleing with having a few shots of alcohol to make me "feel better" Not a smart idea, I know, but it does work for a moment.

The day I posted this message...I guess I wish I had not. But with your reply I'm glad I did.

I anticipate the day I can enter a message like yours.

Wendy

 

[Goobersmooch]

Hey Jan,
I was just diagnosed with BP a few weeks ago. On a scale of 1-10 on how depressed I am, today I must say 7.

I have been put on new meds. They are the type that you start low and work your way up till you notice a change in your life. Patience unforturnately is not something I seem to possess these days. The Lord and I will have to work on that. I am also battleing with having a few shots of alcohol to make me "feel better" Not a smart idea, I know, but it does work for a moment.

The day I posted this message...I guess I wish I had not. But with your reply I'm glad I did.

I anticipate the day I can enter a message like yours.

Wendy

Hey Wendy-

Don't dispair that day will come! If you have some time one day you might read my thread called Scared and Hopless. now dont read it all it's 10 pages(thats the bi-polar in me) just read some of my messages and then read the last message from me on page 10. it's the light at the end of the tunnel. My meds are balanced I am good. I'm working through my problems without dispair. Hang on...that's all I can say...it worked for me. I'm praying for you.

Melanie

 

[gracegetsusthere]

Want to Be...

So do I. Want to be "normal" that is. I figure that is what you mean. Some days, i would do anything to be anything but this.

You are well enought to post like that now. The maserati metaphor comes from my jerk of a husband - I am very angry with him right now. And I shared it with you because even though he is a total jerk - it is true and I could really identify with how you felt because I have felt the same way so many times I can't count.

My disorder swings ultra rapid cycling so fast I cannot keep up with it. Today was an extra awful day. I hit my head on the floor and now it hurts. Good going for me.

My doctor gave me Lamictal last week because I am always "bipolar depressed" (there is a difference). It is supposed to control it. I guess it made me manic, I just remember going straight to psychotic and hearing the "voice of the Holy Sprit" for 7 days. Now, I am not saying that He doesn't talk to people for real, but I don't think He carries on non-stop conversations. And then the night I couldn't sleep it got REALLY bad and the topics got sort of dark and well, scared the crap out of me. I am not sure, but I don't think the Holy Spirit is supposed to scare the crap out of you. I have always had religous delusions since my first episode 10 years ago. But as I have gotten my heart lined up with God, the delusions have become less freaky.

God's truth is God's truth and that is all there is to it. If Jesus said that the gates of hell will not prevail against his church well, those same gates of insanity cannot prevail against us either. That old adage, garbage in/garbage out from computer programmers hold here. You said you walked your life your way for awhile, JUST LIKE i did. I paid with a headful of world knowledge. I know how to survive. I know how to fight, and argue and live in strife to get what I think I need. I know how to take it all on myself. And I also know how to have a MAJOR nervous breakdown. But that knowledge isn't the knowledge that drives the life of a woman following God. That world's knowledge will avail you nothing if you are to get better God's way.

It is what is in your heart and mind that comprises your spirit and when our spirits flag it is because they are "hungry" so to speak and they need to be fed. That comes through hearing the bible or the word of God - however you call it. There are spiritual principals in God's words that duplicate the concept of "garbage in/ garbage out". It is mentioned both in Proverbs - about fixing your thoughts on higher things as well as in the gospels - and in the Pauline letters. You have to feed your mind purity now. First tool of spiritual warfare - the helmet of salvation is gained by filling your mind with God's Word. I capitalize W ord because it really is important...Listen...The Message version:
Rom 10:13 "Everyone who calls, 'Help, God!' gets help."
Rom 10:14 But how can people call for help if they don't know who to trust? And how can they know who to trust if they haven't heard of the One who can be trusted? <my note: you don't want to simply "hear of Him"?> And how can they hear if nobody tells them? The only one that is going to inform you is God.
Rom 10:15 And how is anyone going to tell them, unless someone is sent to do it? That's why Scripture exclaims, A sight to take your breath away! Grand processions of people telling all the good things of God! BECAUSE GOD SENDS THEM
Rom 10:16 But not everybody is ready for this, ready to see and hear and act.
Rom 10:17 The point is, Before you trust, you have to listen. But unless Christ's Word is preached, there's nothing to listen to.
romans 10:17 is more easily recognized as "faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God" The above translation from the Message version helps to illustrate the point WE BOTH and ALL OF US must get if we are to become powerful over minds that are full of garbage...We have to replace it with good stuff to push the garbage out

and that, too, is incremental - like the course of your meds. Everything, even learning of God, takes time. Your brain can't learn everything in one day neither can a brain heal in one week.

Here is a secret, (my husband hates this one but phooey on that) brains heal with rest. Did you ever see someone on TV get put into a medically induced coma after a brain injury?

After today, I flipped out, screaming, throwing things, couldn't stop myself, wanted to hate my Jimmy, wanted to kill him, wanted to leave him, wanted anything but to be in my own skin and a half hour before I was more or less calm. Where did that come from? Where was the word of God then? In my heart. I heard it, I couldn't listen, my brain wouldn't process anything but my own pain but my heart felt God's spirit and if I had not ever looked to learn of the triune nature of god, I would have dismissed what I heard with my heart.

It's not about church or parish.
It is only about God and Jesus and that your power lies in them only through the help of the Holy Spirit who cannot teach us unless we read His word = daily. It is nothing to mess around with this disease. Wait until you are in a really bad headspace and have nothing to turn to. You need to be able to peel off verses that comfort you at will. That book , each verse, is a specific tool for your comfort. You just have to take inventory of the tool box. PLEASE don't think I have some corner on this religous stuff- I don't. I just know what helped me today when I thought about shearing my hair off and drinking bleach ( not seriously just hysterically. God saved me from husband mean to me - that is how upset I allowed myself to get. I have no idea how to not react to my husband's nastiness. I haven't found it in the word yet or I just don't understand somehow.

Maybe you'll find something for both of us.

I've got to keep reading more. I think my life depends on it.

By the way, I got sick this week from 2 doctors prescribing me meds that got me hypomanic and depressed - mixed state with shrinkwrap holy: psychosis) but I got it figured out. Neither med was good with lithium - the one med that keeps me stable. (and that took 2 weeks to fully kick in and months to feel right. all the meds take time I think)

I needed to be in the hospital but I wasn't so I toughed it out at home not believing I was sick enough to be hospitalized.

I needed to rest. I slept here but I didn't rest. It wasn't a very comforting, nurturing environment. The truth about kids and husbands and dogs - thier needs don't go away even if you can't meet them. They just stand there staring, wondering when you are going to stop "acting" "playacting" or otherwise "snap out of it". Nice?

These are the realities my new friend. Tools and tough times. And when I am not wiped out, I will try to make it sould better.

I guess it boils down to this = manic or not, depressive or not, I am still me. My humor is still there, my face is still there, all the outsides are the same and essentially all the insides are the same it is just that sometimes, the animation gets a little off, like a Mickey Mouse cartoon that skips a little in the movie theater.

I know you are hurting. I acutely relive daily what it was like to be diagnosed as a "manic depressive". I wanted to die. I still do sometimes, not seriously, I am too stubborn to let this illness win. soon, I will remember good things about being bipolar and you should start trying to make a list. You will need it. But you know that.

I am still praying for you.
Love,
Janice

 

[PrairieGurl]

Here I sit wondering where that question came from??!!

I'm glad at this moment that my memory of "current" events is not all that good Talk about rapid cycling.

Janice thank you SO much for your honesty.
Melanie thank you for your words of hope.

I've had "icky" days recently, but not down right awful days. I will look at this as a improvement!!

I look forward to when days are just "NORMAL" life, ups and downs that I will be able to deal with. Able to deal with with a clear mind and stable emotions.

In regards to writting down the good things...that will be my goal today...starting my journel.

Thanks so much for all your "feed back". It's amazing how you can care so much for people you haven't ever met!

With Love,
Wendy

 

[gracegetsusthere]

It's now July 13. I've lost 9 days somewhere.

Starting Over.

 

[Alive again]

Still praying for you!!! Thank you for the ongoing updates!

 

[PrairieGurl]

So great to "have you back" gracegetsusthere

Thank you for your Alive again !

July 14...meds have definately "kicked in"...I do find myself very but have noticed those small improvements of the things I once enjoyed.

 

[radiochic]

Wanttobe:

I'm glad to hear you're getting better. I'm 21 and I was diagnosed with bi-polar back in March. I was in the hospital and what got me there was a major manic episode at the place where I was working (which happened to be a Christian radio station). Not being brought up with the church I was confused at a lot of the policies and procedures, and I didn't agree with a few things. I also heard the voices. I was fairly sure I was talking to God on my cell phone and I heard an evil voice which I took as being the Devil. Probably the scariest moment in my life and I could have swore that people were just messing with me. I realize now that it was all in my head and that I needed the medication (and still do). It took about 3 months to get me on the right medication, I'm on Lithium and Seroquel and I'm just finally starting to get my head on straight. My only problem now is that I have a hard time interacting with anyone outside my family, my boyfriend and my close friends, which makes it hard to get a job. But I'm working on it. I still have days where I wake up, look at the clock, and ask myself... why bother getting up. But getting better doesn't happen overnight. My best advice for you is keep taking your medication (even if you feel like you don't need it...because it's what's making you feel better) and try to keep yourself busy. A journal is a great idea. I did that for a while and it does help. You will get better, and one day everything will be normal and you'll be able to deal with life's daily challenges.

 

[PrairieGurl]

Thanks for sharing radiochic!
This journey we're on is quite the ride !

 

[radiochic]

yep.. tell me about it!! lol.

 

[gracegetsusthere]

Hey there -

After mania comes depression. March was only 4 months back. Your inability to communicate with people outside a comfortable circle is very possibly a sign that the depression is still around. Excercise - every little bit helps. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy are the two best types of therapy for Bipolar Disorder and both specifically focus on the communication skills.

I get religious delusions when I get manic. Sometimes I have to stay away from all things christian. Not so much anymore since it has been 10 years but if you are in a place where "religiosity" becomes a problem for your stability - I have found if I cut it off, my mind becomes much quieter and God sustains me until I can resume my former activities. Just in case this applies to you, you are not a bad christian if you have to separate yourself from stuff that scares the crap out of you for awhile.

I firmly believe that the aftermath of mania/psychosis is like a brain injury and that the brain needs time, and gentleness to heal.

It gets better.

Janice