Why does one spouse get fat?

[jimtem]

So boy and girl meet. They are young and active. They get married and then one of them begins to gain 5 to 10 pounds a year. Then 5 to 10 years after marriage one of them is still healthy, happy and good looking. The other is unhealthy, inactive and unattractive.

Why is this so unbelievably common?

At age 20 we need on average 1,800 to 3,000 calories and we are involved in many activities. At age 30 we are involved in fewer activities and need 1,400 to 2,000. One side of the marriage always gets it! They reduce thier calorie intake and pick up a active hobby to replace their former more active life style. And the other plays dumb. The other:

1) Blames their 30 extra pounds on the baby they had 6 years ago

2) Claims they don't eat much and don't understand why they keep gaining weight. This is a LIE 100% of the time.
Its simple math (calories in - calories out = calories retained)

3) Says they don't have time to be active! Right, we all have time for the things that are important to us. Its just not important to them.

4) They say they don't want to spend money on a gym membership! But they spent 20 grand on the car they drive.

5) Say that it must be genetics. Well genetics influence but they don't control in this issue! If you take in less than you burn then you lose weight 100% of the time!

BUT,,,, this is just my opinion. I want to know what your opinion is. I may be biased since I spent 10 years as a personal trainer and nutrition coach.



1) Do they just not care enough to do something about it? There is a lot in my life I should do but I just don’t care. I wash my car only a few times a year because I just don’t care about the way it looks.

2) Are they unaware that they are totally, completely able to lose weight? Self control is hard but it is doable.

3) Do they think their spouse is OK with it? Can this be true? Even though they were both in shape when they met? Why would 1 side of the marriage come to the conclusion that the other might find a fat spouse attractive?

4) Do you think it’s really out of their control?

 

[BeanMak]

Maybe the skinny one just needs to get over themself and realize that love is more than skin deep. Maybe the fat one doesn't feel cherished and turns to food to fill a need that isn't being filled by the spouse. Maybe the food tastes good and is more important than mind numbing running. Maybe the world is a big place with all types of people.

 

[visionary]

Female on the man's required dinning needs will feed the man and baloon the women.

 

[Niffer]

I can't pick any of your poll answers.
My hubby has always been a bigger guy - he was when I dated him, was when I married him and still continues to be now that we're married.
True, he wants to lose weight because he knows its his health at risk once he gets to be middle aged - but he certianly doesn't feel the need to lose weight for me.
Nor do I expect him to.

I find him extremely attractive at his current weight, even if he does wear a XXL.

I think to make a blanket statement that overweight spouses "don't care" or "have no self control" is a little harsh.
My husband cares very much what I think - but I care about more important things than just his appearence.

-Niff

 

[bliz]

Do you attempt to control all your married life as much as you want to control your wife's weight? If so, I can see why your wife has carefully chosen (probably subconsionsly) one way to drive you crazy, and make it very clear that she's not going to be controlled by you.

Marriage counseling wouild be a good place to start, but you probably both need some counseling for yourselves as well. This cuts to the heart of why you married in the first place.

 

[Oblivious]

None of the pathetic poll choices.

My DH is nowhere close to being fat, but he has put on 20 lbs since we got married 8+ years ago. Basically, he doesn't exercise like he used to and he travels a lot for his job which means a lot of eating out.

So basically it's not my fault but his fault as he's gaining weight for the same reason that 99% of the population gains weight - he eats more than he burns (exercises) off. I'm an exercise freak so I try to get him to exercise with me as much as he can but until he gets more dedicated, he's not going to lose weight and he knows that.

 

[jimtem]

Maybe the skinny one just needs to get over themself and realize that love is more than skin deep. Maybe the fat one doesn't feel cherished and turns to food to fill a need that isn't being filled by the spouse. Maybe the food tastes good and is more important than mind numbing running. Maybe the world is a big place with all types of people.

You said "the skinny one needs to get over themselves." That implies that if a person is physically less attracted to their spouse 5 years after the marriage due to the fact that their spouse gained 25 pounds then the problem is that the thin one thinks to highly of them self.

That is an irrational argument. Someone does not have to think to highly of them self in order to dislike something about someone else. Please if you are going to use such an aggressive position lets discuss this carefully.


You said "love is more than skin deep". The key phrase there is, "more than". I agree with you. Love for a married couple is more than skin deep. It is more than, it is not replaced by, it is with it, it is added to it, it is a part of it. If physical attraction were replaced by love and love existed unaffected by physical attraction or other influences such as differences in finances handling, life goals, infidelity, drug use or religion then there would be no such thing as divorce. But there is divorce because love is affected by a connectedness between the lovers. They met they felt connected they fell in love and as soon as the ring goes on the finger the man nor the woman shouldn't immedialtey become something different.

You said, "Maybe the fat one doesn't feel cherished and turns to food to fill a need that isn't being filled by the spouse." Sure that is a legitimate excuse. There are endless legitimate excuses. The important point there is that excuses come in packs. For example I don't balance my checkbook because I'm busy, its no fun, and I usually don't need to because deposits are greater than withdraws. A spouse may turn to food because they don't feel cherished, their lazy, they lack self control and they lack self confidence. The choices people make are never made due to 1 influence.

You said, "Maybe the world is a big place with all types of people". Yes there are all different types of people in the world. Not everyone is fit. This thread is not talking about all the people in the world. It is specifically about the people who balloon up as soon as the ring goes on the finger.

 

[jimtem]

Female on the man's required dinning needs will feed the man and baloon the women.

So this is an excellent, interesting idea. So you are implying that when a couple begin to spend all their time together that the woman, to an extent, adopts the mans schedule and habits, one of which being meal content and frequency.

Thats a great point.

 

[jimtem]

I can't pick any of your poll answers.
My hubby has always been a bigger guy - he was when I dated him, was when I married him...............

Then this thread has nothing to do with your situation. We are discussing people that balloon up when the ring goes on the finger. And the ones that roller coaster. I have many clients that put on 20 pounds when in a committed relationship but then quickly loose it after the breakup so that they can snag another lover. Then later when they are comfortable the get fat again.

 

[jimtem]

Do you attempt to control all your married life as much as you want to control your wife's weight? If so, I can see why your wife has carefully chosen (probably subconsionsly) one way to drive you crazy, and make it very clear that she's not going to be controlled by you.

Marriage counseling wouild be a good place to start, but you probably both need some counseling for yourselves as well. This cuts to the heart of why you married in the first place.

We are having a discussion on human behavior and a specific section of the general population. Your personal attack is out of place and uncalled for. I have never said anything to my wife about her weight. We have a wonderful relationship. It is fair, supportive an absent of jealousy. I have never hinted that I didn't want her to go somewhere, disapproved of her friends or disliked her clothes. I am the most non controlling person I know. When she is out of town she occasionally catches a show with guys in her work group, I don't ask her about it because I trust her and its none of my business. I think one of the reasons that my wife of 8 years carries around and extra 20 to 30 pounds is because of the fact that I would never hint at the idea that I felt she was fat. That would be so upsetting to her and for me and I would never, never want to upset her. I love my wife. It is terrible of you to paint me as some dominating mean person just because I am not as physically attracted to her as I use to be.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

Personally, I feel one (or both) spouses in a marriage gain weight because they feel they have found a comfortable life with someone who accepts them for whom they are; as a result, they don't feel any drive to "try so hard". On average, anyway.

I suppose in that manner, I did the opposite... I found my husband while I was still fat 50 lbs overweight in fact. He proposed when I was at my heaviest. After he proposed, I went on to lose the 50 lbs. I never fear gaining it back, because he accepted me exactly like I was. I guess, therefor, I don't fit the stereotype.. I didn't stay active and fit while looking for a husband. What I wanted was someone to accept me as I was, I suppose. And I found that. So I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders, and I was more easily able to help myself change for -me-.

That's a big one.. changing (losing weight, for instance) for anyone but yourself will never work. Ever. You will almost always go back to the way you were. And the one and only way most people can change for themselves, is if they know they are accepted by others already; or at least by those closest to them.

What if I had lost all that weight, and he had rejected me because of it? What if he liked me better when I was fat. I wonder, does the stereotype of "You're fat and now I feel less attracted to you" go both ways? Even though being thinner is typically almost always healthier, would he have been in his right to reject me for weightloss?

However, weight is not the only thing that changes in a marriage.

When two people get married, someone (typically the guy.. sorry guys) often drop the little romantic things they did during the courting/dating process. People who had sex prior to marriage may find a drop in said sex. The flowers and cards for no reason stop, the phone calls at lunchtime stop, lots of things stop..

The question is.. why?

It's typically because one or both parties don't feel they have to "try" any more. They already "caught" their spouse, and that's that.

Marriage is something that must be maintained though. That's what a lot of people forget. This not only includes maintaining yourself in physical appearance.. but it also includes all those men who dropped all the romantic acts from dating as soon as they hit that alter. It is no different.



Anyway.. I guess my answer isn't really on the list. My answer would be... people gain weight (or change in any manner) after marriage because they feel they don't necessarily have to try as hard anymore. Maybe that falls in with "My spouse will be ok with it", but actually I think there is a bit of a difference.

Even if my husband gained or lost weight, it wouldn't change the amount of love I have for him, however.

On a side note, I also married my husband at his heaviest as well. And he has gone on to lose 30 lbs of his own. We yoyo a bit from time to time, as our lifestyles aren't always the best... but we have each other, and total acceptance of one another, so the love never changes. That acceptance doesn't drive us not to try though; in fact, quite the opposite. I personally would rather maintain myself looking good for my husband, then let myself go. So I don't really get the whole "we just stopped trying" deal in that respect.. but I do know that it happens.

 

[BeanMak]

In rereading my post, I did come across a bit aggressive- I apologize. You hit a nerve with me. My sister's husband decided he couldn't love her any longer because she had gained weight. He broke her heart. She was the same loving creative interesting person. But she was no longer doing cocaine and other social drugs that keep the weight off. She had a baby, a house and a full time job to focus on. They had other issues I am sure, but the weight is what he needed to focus on so that it wasn't his fault that the marriage didn't work. If she would have just gotten thinner...

It is true that weight is no more than calories in must balance calories out. HOWEVER- food is more than that in my world. It is how a mother expresses love to their family. It is a fun time with friends and family. It is celebration, it is creativity.

In real life, 25 lbs in the course of 5 years is NOTHING.

 

[DZoolander]

So boy and girl meet. They are young and active. They get married and then one of them begins to gain 5 to 10 pounds a year. Then 5 to 10 years after marriage one of them is still healthy, happy and good looking. The other is unhealthy, inactive and unattractive.

Why is this so unbelievably common?

At age 20 we need on average 1,800 to 3,000 calories and we are involved in many activities. At age 30 we are involved in fewer activities and need 1,400 to 2,000. One side of the marriage always gets it! They reduce thier calorie intake and pick up a active hobby to replace their former more active life style. And the other plays dumb. The other:

1) Blames their 30 extra pounds on the baby they had 6 years ago

2) Claims they don't eat much and don't understand why they keep gaining weight. This is a LIE 100% of the time.
Its simple math (calories in - calories out = calories retained)

3) Says they don't have time to be active! Right, we all have time for the things that are important to us. Its just not important to them.

4) They say they don't want to spend money on a gym membership! But they spent 20 grand on the car they drive.

5) Say that it must be genetics. Well genetics influence but they don't control in this issue! If you take in less than you burn then you lose weight 100% of the time!

BUT,,,, this is just my opinion. I want to know what your opinion is. I may be biased since I spent 10 years as a personal trainer and nutrition coach.



1) Do they just not care enough to do something about it? There is a lot in my life I should do but I just don’t care. I wash my car only a few times a year because I just don’t care about the way it looks.

2) Are they unaware that they are totally, completely able to lose weight? Self control is hard but it is doable.

3) Do they think their spouse is OK with it? Can this be true? Even though they were both in shape when they met? Why would 1 side of the marriage come to the conclusion that the other might find a fat spouse attractive?

4) Do you think it’s really out of their control?

Nope, you're perfectly right.

People that complain about things like "metabolisms" don't quite understand what the word even really means. While there is some natural variance between people - it's not nearly as extreme as people make it out to be.

Without considering true hypometabolic conditions (and before you say you suffer from it - you might want to look up what other symptoms accompany true hypometabolism - like mental retardation, short stature, etc) - the most extreme differences only vary like 5-10% - which would not account for obesity - all else being equal.

The simple fact of the matter is that people eat too much and they move too little. One pound of fat = 3500 unused calories. If I take in (on average) 500 calories fewer than I expend per day - I will lose a pound of fat a week. So will you. If I consume 500 more than I expend a day - I will gain a pound a week.

It's simple math.

The problem that we have in this society is that weight - albeit frowned upon - is untouchable as a subject. We contradict ourselves - and fat people suffer as a result of it. We imply to fat people that they are going through something worthwhile...that somehow their fatness is a moral stand they are taking...which gives it meaning.

Think about the nonsense we tell people. "Your looks should not matter" (i.e., don't change). "Only shallow people look at weight" (i.e., don't change). "You're beautiful as you are" (i.e., don't change). There are all of these things we tell people - not really for their benefit (but rather I'd argue simply for our benefit as the advice givers) - that leave them thinking that their obesity means something. Then they're left to just sort of figure out a way to make it okay by themselves.

 

[DZoolander]

I agree - however I'd say that the bulk of the hurdles that people face are psychological - rather than physical. Despite what people may believe - I'd argue that the overwhelming message fat people get from society is *not* to change.

 

[Hadassah]

Vis made an awesome point. I know for me, my weight gain is a combination of adjusting my eating style to his (more starches), a baby and the needs for extended nursing, and now finding myself pregnant again.

DH on the other hand, has no excuse that I can find other than becoming more sedentary and eating more.

I will be buckling down when I get home, and there will be limits on what is served at a meal and how much. For someone who is as sedentary as he is, at the weight he is, there is no requirement for two whole plates of food full of starches and red meat in large portions. He was at least 50 kilo less when we got married, and I am unsure what happened. We are not very active, but some of that has had to do with my recovery after the birth of our son, and the weather at the time + his unwillingness to even consider going to a gym together.

I can understand the college 30-50, or the small gain and loss after the wife is pregnant... but we are talking dangerous levels of weight gain, and the family (mine and his) and I are very concerned for his health.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Speaking for myself and probably most overweight people, being overweight is a very humbling experience. You care, are aware, you want your spouse to be physically attracted to you, and you know that you can do something about it. Failure in this area is very humbling and depressing. I wished that I could be as successful as you are in that area.

In my case I have lost 30-40 pounds in the past only to regain it. I know that any excuse I make up is a lame excuse. I was not fat in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. However I did become overweight in my 50s and the reason that I have not lost weight is that I don’t want to make the sacrifice and my family and I enjoy eating and the other enjoyment that comes with it. Eating is when the family is together, going out to eat is fun and exciting, we relax and do not worry about much when we eat, and it is an activity that is not Anti-family or anti-God. Yes my excuse is lame but at least I am truthful.

Considering taking some advice from an old man. The sooner you learn to overlook some things in life the happier you and your family will be. When someone as important as your spouse fails to do their best and there is nothing you can do about it, then just realize that you are going to have loved ones in your life that fail at some things without a good excuse. You job is to accept them without resentment and continue to love them

I know my advice is not acceptable to most young people but what alternative do you have to offer? You can either be dissatisfied with your wife’s weight or accept her and love her without any resentment.

Your post said a lot of things that make sense and are true. You also said
“I spent 10 years as a personal trainer and nutrition coach.”

You obviously have skills and habits that give you an advantage in your weight
control. You are probably highly motivated and disciplined in weight management.
Are you as successful in other areas of your life that you have control over?

The last 60 years of my life has taught me to accept my loved ones the way they are, warts and all. My personality is such that I lean in the philosophy direction of “Live and Let live.” I have also had a lot of help in that area from my family and life in general. How about you; do you accept people the way they are? Maybe you do, if your answer is yes to that question then how about a second question. You are a Christian man and are you successful in loving your God with all your mind, body, and soul and do you love your neighbor as yourself?

If you do not then apply the questions to yourself that you asked on this forum.

1) Do they (you) just not care enough to do something about it?


2) Are they (You) unaware that you are totally, completely able to accept people the way they are and loving your God with all your might and your neighbor as yourself?

3) Do they think your spouse is OK with you not accepting her the way she is or not loving God with all your might and loving your neighbor as yourself? Can this be true?

4) Do you think it’s really out of your control?

My point is that we should try and help others, especially our loved ones, to improve themselves when possible but if that does not work or is not possible then accepting them and loving them without resentment takes precedence.

​

Weight and physical attractiveness is important in a marriage but there are others things that are so much mort important and fulfilling.

Stan


PS
My wife ahs been overweight for over 20 years. We celebrated our 40th wedding anniversery last December.

 

[BeanMak]

Thanks Stan. You said what I meant in a much better way.
All excuses for every mistake and sin in our life are lame. I thank the Lord that He (and my husband) loves me just as I am without one plea.

 

[Hadassah]

...My point is that we should try and help others, especially our loved ones, to improve themselves when possible but if that does not work or is not possible then accepting them and loving them without resentment takes precedence.
Weight and physical attractiveness is important in a marriage but there are others things that are so much mort important and fulfilling.

Stan


PS
My wife ahs been overweight for over 20 years. We celebrated our 40th wedding anniversery last December.

This is a very good point Stan Congrats on your wedding anniversary in December!

Unfortunately, in my situation the weight is an issue that puts both DH and I in a difficult health spot. He's now overweight by 100 kilos, and is at risk for many health issues and already encountering 2 or 3 that need straight away attention and he's refusing to get it. In cases like that, what do you do?

I am sure he has sleep apnea (sister, dad and mom all have it so I know what to look for) and now has issues with his already damaged knees and a foot injury from months ago not going away. I am actually becoming worried he will be stuck in a wheel chair the rest of his natural life unless he listens to his doc and loses the weight, or worse - passes in his sleep due to the apnea he won't do a sleep study for... which would be awful leaving two little ones under 2 and a wife behind.

I have tried "let's go to the gym together, I need to get fit.. and do not want to go by myself" (I wouldn't know the first thing to ask either at a German Gym) "hey, let's go swimming, I saw the pool is open until 8 and it costs only 2 Euro to get in...", "lets go on a walk together, nice weather out today!" and everything I can think of. Never being ill towards him or rude, just wanting to include him in the activities I want to do.

It gets frustrating since I do not have friends in the village and cannot drive myself out in bad weather (have to go walk to take a bus and be in the inclement weather until I get to where I am going), so I get "stuck" without a way if he does not want to go when the time and weather allow.

I guess you could say there are other cases than being at a loss and just unconnected to the issue and kind of calloused towards the individual with the weight issue and/or not loving them as much as you should. (definitely not the case with us two. I love him lots and can't wait to see him again in a week)

 

[WhiteWillow]

Weight gain can be emotional and I do believe out of their control until they get that looked into.

 

[Robinsegg]

One thing you forgot to mention is medical issues. My mom, for example, gained weight because she was on prednisone (steroid) for a medical issue. I gained weight when I started having moderate to heavy issues with asthma (after being diagnosed with asthma at 18, being put on an inhaler that made me allergic to bronchiodilators and caffeine) and having children.

I am now losing weight because I'm on a diabetic diet (gestational diabetic) and can't eat as much as is on my diet w/o my blood sugar going up. As this has been my lifestyle for 4.5 months, I'm hoping to stay with it (getting a new diet from a dietician at the hospital before I leave) after the baby is born. However, if I start eating *everything* on the diet they give me . . . I don't *know* that I will be able to continue losing weight. I will also, at that point, have an 8yo, 6.5yo and an infant, so trying to go somewhere like a gym would be *very* difficult.

I'm not sure where I'm going with my weight, but I *am* planning to try eating healthier.

Rachel