Why Does OCD do this?

[Nickieb03]

I've never noticed I had ocd my whole life until recently when I started to realize the things I obsess over. I used to obsess over boys I liked...I mean obsess...writing their names all over my notebook..daydreaming about them..wishing they were in love with me. Bands I liked, I had to have EVERYTHING they sold and went to every concert possible. Relationships I have been in I've obsessed over every little detail...as ashamed as I am to say it I've been obsessed with sex my whole life. Also yes my religion I have obsessed over to the point where I thought if I sinned God would hate me for good so I'd repent and repent until I felt good enough again.

I used to always be the "good catholic girl" until my recent boyfriend and I fell into sin. Premarital sex and everything. But i'm sure as any young 20 some year olds our hormones are at an all time high and sex just always happened. Thats when ROCD started for me, I used to believed we were having sex because we loved each other..well we do love each other but it started to be just sex. I used to sit there and listen to songs and watch romance movies and wonder why isn't my relationship like this?! (this was before sex) Why isn't he like Romeo and saving me?! If he loves me why hasn't he proposed?! then sex came along and my family started telling me bad things about him. I mean abusivily bad things like he hates me, he thinks im ugly and only wants to use me for sex and I'm no good to him. My dad would always say this stuff when he was drunk and my mother has mental problems and when she was off her medicine she'd always say it to me as well also my grandmother would tell me all this stuff like he doesn't love me and blahblahblah...then I started to get resentment towards him (which im sure was the ocd because i'd obsess over what they were saying and it started to feel true) But he doesn't feel that way about me and I know it but I obsessed over it soo much it turned into hate.

Then HOCD happened a week before he left for school. My sister is gay and I could of sworn she liked men her whole life (she says it was an act..well that was a good act then) and was like "I know girls who have boyfriends but are actually gay...I can tell by how they look" and BAM ocd kicked in and I thought OH CRAP WHAT IF SHE MEANS ME?! I've never liked girls, envious of girls yes but thats only because my whole life i was picked on. I'm 5 feet tall, curly frizzy hair, italian so im really hairy and kinda chubby. I'm not pretty at all...never had guys swoon all over me and I went to a Roman Catholic preparatory/secondary school for high school where all the girls there were like beautiful tall and skinny and I would admire them...not ever once think sexual. I'd always be after the boys...trying to get dates and everything else..never once was like oh i wanna be with a girl. My bestfriend was gay so HOCD was like HAHA see Nickie, you hang out with gays so you must be gay.

But I'm not...I'm straight but why does OCD make everything seem so real? Like have I been obsessing over it too much that It feels like I really am? I want to be a heterosexual again (well I never lost being a heterosexual just my mind thinks I have) Why does OCD make it seem like its really happening to me? Before this my horoscope said I was going to get engaged to my boyfriend (my bf is the same sign as me) and that whole week that when this was supposed to happen I actually believed it would happen because I obsessed over it. I obsessed over getting lottery tickets that I actually thought since I'm buying them so much I'm going to win it soon.

I also am starting to feel like God isn't going to answer my prayers, what if there really isn't a God? What if hes just made up? Why does OCD do this? I miss when I had a good relationship with God, I miss when I was madly in love with my boyfriend and only my boyfriend. I miss when everything was normal and not so out of hand. I'm supposed to be going to the doctors today to see if I can be put on medication (christian counselor wanted 200 a session and my dads in prison right now so it's only me and my mom and we don't have that kind of money), will that stop my HOCD? what if it makes me think I really am gay? What will I do? I want my husband (my boyfriend and I call eachother hubby and wifey) because I really do love him. I know he's the one...because I remember sitting in church one day looking at him and asking God to let me love him like a woman loves a man...and then when we broke up I asked God if he was the man I will spend the rest of my life with you'll bring him back and the next morning I got an email from him asking for me back. I know in my heart, soul and gut hes the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with but OCD is making me have doubts on everything in my life.

Does God care on what I want? On wanting a husband and children? Does he care that was always my life goal? All I ever wanted since I was little was to walk down the aisle to a man and start a family with him. I keep telling myself if I was gay I would of NEVER had dreams about my boyfriend and I getting married and me being pregnant with his child and it would of never felt right. But does God care on how much pain I am in? why wont he fix it? Why wont he intervene and make it how it was before? Is he too busy for me? Or has he forgotten me because I abandoned him before? is this all ocd?

Sorry for my ranting..I just have no other person to turn to.

 

[Aaliyah]

Hi Nicki

I have ocd too and sometimes I wonder if it's the devil or something and reading your post really makes me think that. I mean you know you are not homosexual so what would be making you think that? Surely not God. I think it's probably just because your sister said that she was and family members especially sisters can have a very big influence on you. I don't think that means that you are homosexual too. Plus OCD is an anxiety disorder and part of anxiety is being so afraid of doing something etc.

It also sounds like your family is a bit abusive...your dad drinks and your parents and grandma say stuff to you. I don't know how they would know any of that unless they have been around him and he told them that. And it sounds like he does not think you're ugly if he wants to be with you.

I really do not know why we have to go through, I honestly don't but I wish all the best for you and don't stop praying because God does listen to them and He will answer them if it's according to His will and what He wants.

 

[Nickieb03]

I know I'm not gay. I know i'm not...I always chased the boys NEVER once looked at a girl other than to envy her. I think society makes it seem like it's okay to be gay when it's not. It's against God's plan and I know that but society says other wise. I love my boyfriend, I love him to death more than anything in this world..but this OCD is making me question if what I felt was really true. But I know it was, I love him so much and get butterflies with him and just everything you do when your in love. He's my best-friend and always was and always will be. He's my penguin, my soul mate and I know God put us together (I've known my boyfriend since the 6th grade) because I prayed to God to find the man I will spend the rest of my life with three years ago and he sent me him. God helped us through everything in our relationship but this OCD is making it worse. It is the devil and I wish it to be gone. I think alot of thos OCD started to when my boyfriend stopped calling me every night because he got too busy with school...too much time on my hands and with what my family said about him OCD kicked in more and got me thinking. I wish it gone though...I want to be back to being fully devoted to him and knowing i'm going to be his wife. Thank you for your words though...nice to know that some people are out there to listen.

 

[Nickieb03]

Oh yes and I forgot...when I was younger around 7? I went to cheerleading camp and one of the older cheerleaders touched me down there inappropriately when I was in the pool, she just came up to me when i was doing a hand stand and touched me...also my sisters friend (who was a girl) smacked me in the butt and kept pinching me when I was around 12 and both of those experiences freaked me out and I think that has to do with alot of my ocd now of days..I don't know for sure but I do know that it scared me for life.