I believe in all certainty the long distance relationship I am in will work out. But I know there are many traps. So I thought I should ask why it is so common for them to fail? Just so I can know what to look out for.
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Why does LDR's not work some times?
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mathias1979
Resident Meteorologist
Here's my theory. Some people just aren't built for LDR. Some people really have a hard time when they can't physically be with their SO. They thrive on that physical contact (hugs, kisses, ect) Some people though are more emotionally focused when it comes to a relationship. Just knowing that their SO loves them can be enough to get them through times of loneliness.
So someone who thrives on the physical aspect of a relationship, will have a hard time dealing with loneliness, and will frequently be tempted to fulfill that need somewhere. Eventually, they may just see it best to break off the LDR.
-Matt
So someone who thrives on the physical aspect of a relationship, will have a hard time dealing with loneliness, and will frequently be tempted to fulfill that need somewhere. Eventually, they may just see it best to break off the LDR.
-Matt
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Living4Him03
Just wanna dance with you
1. Not spending time with one another...the heart does grow fonder...for other people lol. It's hard to keep daydreaming and daydreaming about that person and all the awesome dates you'll go on when they are in town or if the two of you get to move closer to one another. It puts a strain on the relationship because you can get lonesome and get cranky when you don't get to see them.
2. Miscommunication/lack of communication: communicating is, at least in my experience, more difficult when the two of you are far apart. You either talk on the phone or you talk online or write letters and emails. This often results in miscommunication...they think your email meant one thing, when it meant another.
3. Jealousy. This goes back to number 1 somewhat. It can become easy to get jealous of your s/o when they go out with friends, etc., especially if it's a friend of the opposite sex. If you haven't heard from them much one week, you may start jumping to conclusions and think they've found someone else or have lost interest in you.
4. Trust. Trust is very important. Without it you have nothing. Relationships are built on trust, I know it's a cliche, but true.
5.Faith. Faith is also important. If you don't have faith that God will guide your relationship and if you don't have faith God has great plans for your life, you can't be in any relationship...long distance or else.
Hope this helps...I'm sure there are more I could think of. I'll post more if I can think of more!
2. Miscommunication/lack of communication: communicating is, at least in my experience, more difficult when the two of you are far apart. You either talk on the phone or you talk online or write letters and emails. This often results in miscommunication...they think your email meant one thing, when it meant another.
3. Jealousy. This goes back to number 1 somewhat. It can become easy to get jealous of your s/o when they go out with friends, etc., especially if it's a friend of the opposite sex. If you haven't heard from them much one week, you may start jumping to conclusions and think they've found someone else or have lost interest in you.
4. Trust. Trust is very important. Without it you have nothing. Relationships are built on trust, I know it's a cliche, but true.
5.Faith. Faith is also important. If you don't have faith that God will guide your relationship and if you don't have faith God has great plans for your life, you can't be in any relationship...long distance or else.
Hope this helps...I'm sure there are more I could think of. I'll post more if I can think of more!
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Pope Gonzo
Well-Known Member
Well, if you believe with all certainty that your LDR will succeed, those normal roadblocks won't get in the way, will they?
I'm just teasing. Just focus on your personal relationship with God and keep the relationship totally centered on him. Whenever you email each other, put in a Bible verse... little things (and big ones) that remind you always that God is there.
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LOL I know it will work cause we are both willing to work on it and have God work in it too. God is the one working in it for us and that is why I know. I just want as smooth a ride as possable and want to know what to look out for and how to deal with it. Instead of having to learn the hard way and not take steps to gaurd this.Pope Gonzo said:Well, if you believe with all certainty that your LDR will succeed, those normal roadblocks won't get in the way, will they?I'm just teasing. Just focus on your personal relationship with God and keep the relationship totally centered on him. Whenever you email each other, put in a Bible verse... little things (and big ones) that remind you always that God is there.
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In an LDR it is easier to be in love with who you think the person is than with who they really are than in a face-to-face relationship. Mind you, peiople who are together still get it wrong, but it is ore likely that you will be in love with your projection of who you want them to be that who the flesh and blood person is.
In an LDR is is easier to brush aside issues that don't seem curcial since you aren't living out of each other's back pockets, so to speak. The issues may even seem trivial when apart and only seeing each other ocassioonally. But when you get together for the long haul, those minor issues may loom large. Your relationship may seem to be on step 7, but you may have built up to that on an unstable step 2.
Being apart you both preserve greater independence. Getting together, you need to become interdependent and that can be quite a shift.
None of which means it can't work... but I think the largest pot holes will appear when you make a transition to it no longer being LDR.
In an LDR is is easier to brush aside issues that don't seem curcial since you aren't living out of each other's back pockets, so to speak. The issues may even seem trivial when apart and only seeing each other ocassioonally. But when you get together for the long haul, those minor issues may loom large. Your relationship may seem to be on step 7, but you may have built up to that on an unstable step 2.
Being apart you both preserve greater independence. Getting together, you need to become interdependent and that can be quite a shift.
None of which means it can't work... but I think the largest pot holes will appear when you make a transition to it no longer being LDR.
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I agree with what bliz said.
But also (depending on your phone bill constraints) you can really get to know each other in a way you may never do in person all the time. I talk to my LDR guy probably more than some married folks living in the same house do. We have lived in the same state before but mostly 3 hours away from each other. It also takes more effort to connect up - which I see as a good thing.
But in the end you should live closer for awhile before tying the knot.
So you do get to see each other in a more realistic setting.
But also (depending on your phone bill constraints) you can really get to know each other in a way you may never do in person all the time. I talk to my LDR guy probably more than some married folks living in the same house do. We have lived in the same state before but mostly 3 hours away from each other. It also takes more effort to connect up - which I see as a good thing.
But in the end you should live closer for awhile before tying the knot.
So you do get to see each other in a more realistic setting.
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SirKenin
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- Jun 26, 2003
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For LDR's to work, you need oodles of trust and love and oodles of money. If you lack any of these, it's going to cave.
It's much easier for one to gravitate towards someone closer to home.
It can work though, and I'm living proof of it
It's much easier for one to gravitate towards someone closer to home.
It can work though, and I'm living proof of it
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- Mar 30, 2004
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I am in one now, and it isn't my first one either.
I actually almost PREFER LDRs.
What went wrong in the past was the guy lost interest i think.
I actually almost PREFER LDRs.
What went wrong in the past was the guy lost interest i think.
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KristianJ
What's in a name? Letters...
For sure...and congrats that yours is working at the moment.drfeelgood said:For LDR's to work, you need oodles of trust and love and oodles of money. If you lack any of these, it's going to cave.
It's much easier for one to gravitate towards someone closer to home.
It can work though, and I'm living proof of it
Faith is a big key, and also recognising God's will for the relationship. I'm in a LDR that doesn't depend on physicality, and I trust and love my girlfriend very much. I've been privileged to see one that has brought many fruits to two great friends here on CF, and I know that it can work as long as the two people realise that it takes a strong commitment and loyalty to one another. And I feel that in my relationship both are present.
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Well, without crying all over again, my boyfriend and I have been very serious about eachother. We have planned on getting married in a few years or hopefully less, but doubtful. And we are both in love. But he is persuing his career dream that he had before I came around which includes moving 1 1/2 hours from me. This kills me because i have been spoiled with his love, time and attention for so long. There are definate benefits to us having this time of separation yet still being together, but there are also doubts. I am a needy person in a relationship. God could be trying to teach me not to be. God could also be making it so we spend more time with Him than eachother. He could also know that Anthony won't make it in his career unless he concentrates at a distance from me on school. Quite understandable. And lastly, it could be a test to really see if we love eachother and can do it. I am trying so much to look at the positive side of it, but i will surley miss his hugs, kisses, and cuddling. He will be able to visit me once a month and talk for a short time on the phone a day, and instant message for a short time a day. But the trust thing is the biggest. However, i look at it like this, if he was still living out here, if it be Gods will, he could just as easily find a girl out here other than me, that he could out there. He is a pretty non social person, which i love about him. And I trust him. I know he loves me. I know he wants to be with me. And I him. So, I am just going to leave it in the hands of God who brought us together in a wierd way in the first place.
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You know...that 1 1/2 hour thing...it's nothing lol. Trust me I think maybe u will see him more than that. Cause if you ever REALLY get to missing him or him you, it is a "short" drive. If my gf was that close...I would see her every weekend.
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i agree with Livingforhim. trust, communication, faith and jealousy.
In the past 2yrs...i have found thoes to be the major things that will either make ya' or break ya'.
In the past 2yrs...i have found thoes to be the major things that will either make ya' or break ya'.
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oldrooster
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