Why do some guys do this?

[loreocookie]

I remember when my best friend dated this guy (post high school) who developed a habit of meeting up with her as planned and announcing that he was leaving a little earlier, causing her to ask why and beg him to stay. This habit started a few months into the relationship. Sometimes he stayed, sometimes he didn't. Four years later, the habit had continued, and he now started to see her less - also getting her to beg him to see her more. Almost four years into the relationship, I was visiting with her while he also came over - and once again announced that he was going to leave early rather than spend the night. She was upset and perplexed as usual. When she and I were in another room, I told her that I had always noticed this about him and thought he only did it to make her beg. I then challenged her to simply ask if he would like to stay, and whatever his answer is, leave it at that. I told her, "I'll bet he'll stay." So she did. His answer was no. "Okay," she replied and went on to do something around the house. After several minutes he announced that he had decided to stay. Of course, she screwed it up when she turned around and said "You just want me to beg you!" But anyway, it appeared that I was right on. Here it is four years later, he is with someone else and is repeating the same behaviors with her. I have a guy friend who told me that he used to do this to his girlfriend. And I have a boyfriend who does this to me - I have caught myself falling into the trap and I do not beg or plead. (I try to catch myself before I fall into it anyway) I give him an invite and try to leave it at that. Seems to work - but he still tries to do it and it's frustrating! Has anyone else seen this before? Is it from low self-esteem?

 

[SDSUMarcus01]

.

 

[london boy]

I agree with Marcus 's point about manipulation, it's almost like emotional blackmail. From his side it's all about control - maybe he needs to really feel wanted, maybe he's insecure and needs reassurance, though I have to admit, it's a pretty extreme way of going about things.

 

[John of Berkshire]

The two explanations above about sum it up for what I was thinking. Good job guys.

 

[JPPT1974]

I agree with Marcus 's point about manipulation, it's almost like emotional blackmail. From his side it's all about control - maybe he needs to really feel wanted, maybe he's insecure and needs reassurance, though I have to admit, it's a pretty extreme way of going about things.

It is like blackmail It is all about trying to be wanted but for all the wrong reasons. You have to be wanted for the right reasons though.

 

[fishstix]

It sounds to me like the guy wasn't really interested in her but was just using her at his convenience. I'm wondering though, why she was inviting him to stay the whole night. I would sure turn down someone of the opposite gender who invited me to stay overnight, because to me that would mean that they were looking for sex.

 

[justasinner]

Its a non-Christian way of determining if the girl still interested in him or not. If the girl begs him to stay then she wants the guy. It also build up his self-esteem. And if you notice the guy will take the girl for granted in some areas. But if the girl does not beg him then he moves to his next conquest. In either case the guy has what he wanted and is looking for the next conquest.

Now, if a girl watches and the see a guy doing this to her then she can also assume that the guy does not care that much for her and she should move on and let God choose another guy for her.

Also, as a guy becomes a Christian and starts his walk with God he will slowly stop this type of games, because he starts to cares how his actions effect the girl he is with.

The exception to this rule is when a second or more girl(s) shows up and the couple becomes a threesome or more some. Then the guy might ask this question to determine if the girls want to be alone aka no guys allowed type of talking. In this case, the Christian guy is trying to be a gentleman and understanding of his girl's needs instead of a bad guy just after his own needs.

 

[daughterofzion]

I remember when my best friend dated this guy (post high school) who developed a habit of meeting up with her as planned and announcing that he was leaving a little earlier, causing her to ask why and beg him to stay. This habit started a few months into the relationship. Sometimes he stayed, sometimes he didn't. Four years later, the habit had continued, and he now started to see her less - also getting her to beg him to see her more. Almost four years into the relationship, I was visiting with her while he also came over - and once again announced that he was going to leave early rather than spend the night. She was upset and perplexed as usual. When she and I were in another room, I told her that I had always noticed this about him and thought he only did it to make her beg. I then challenged her to simply ask if he would like to stay, and whatever his answer is, leave it at that. I told her, "I'll bet he'll stay." So she did. His answer was no. "Okay," she replied and went on to do something around the house. After several minutes he announced that he had decided to stay. Of course, she screwed it up when she turned around and said "You just want me to beg you!" But anyway, it appeared that I was right on. Here it is four years later, he is with someone else and is repeating the same behaviors with her. I have a guy friend who told me that he used to do this to his girlfriend. And I have a boyfriend who does this to me - I have caught myself falling into the trap and I do not beg or plead. (I try to catch myself before I fall into it anyway) I give him an invite and try to leave it at that. Seems to work - but he still tries to do it and it's frustrating! Has anyone else seen this before? Is it from low self-esteem?

I dont think its just the guy doing this. I think your friend participated just as much.

Why he did it... attention... a thrill... sometimes people in general naturally want what they cant have and dont want what they can have.

 

[loreocookie]

The exception to this rule is when a second or more girl(s) shows up and the couple becomes a threesome or more some. Then the guy might ask this question to determine if the girls want to be alone aka no guys allowed type of talking. In this case, the Christian guy is trying to be a gentleman and understanding of his girl's needs instead of a bad guy just after his own needs.

This is a good point. I hadn't thought of it that way. It's always nice to hear a more positive possiblity. He tended to do this throughout the relationship, I had always gotten the impression that it was from low self-esteem and that's probably what it was.

I dont think its just the guy doing this. I think your friend participated just as much.

Why he did it... attention... a thrill... sometimes people in general naturally want what they cant have and dont want what they can have.

This is very true also. He always was a dramatic type. And she...well...it took her a long time, but she finally realized her situation and moved on.

I guess it just bothers me that someone could treat someone else this way. I think it still bothers her to this day.

 

[the_man]

You teach people how to treat you.

I think your friend was acting rather desperate.

 

[OhhJim]

Four years later, the habit had continued...

Why wouldn't he keep doing it, when it seems to be working?

 

[OhhJim]

I guess it just bothers me that someone could treat someone else this way. I think it still bothers her to this day.

Didn't bother her enough to put a stop to it, though, huh?

 

[loreocookie]

Didn't bother her enough to put a stop to it, though, huh?

No, she ended the relationship eventually - because of the behavior. So yes she did put a stop to it. It bothers her that he treated her that way and she doesn't understand why. She is lucky that she did move on.

I ran into the guy sometime last year, he was with someone new and was treating this other girl the exact same way. He also said he had been diagnosed as bipolar and was taking prozac. I don't really agree with his diagnosis. I didn't notice any manic highs/lows about him. I think he is very depressed.

 

[OhhJim]

It bothers her that he treated her that way and she doesn't understand why.

Is it important that she understand why? In casual observation, it seems to me that women tend to overanalyze these things. Isn't it enough that he is who he is? He's the guy who does that. Same reason fish swim, or birds fly.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

"why" doesn't matter.

This guy sounds like an insecure whiny loser to me. She should have let the guy leave the first time he pulled it.


I know if some girl played a manipulative game like that with me my answer would be to go, and keep right on going. Well, maybe not the first time, but once I noticed the pattern.

The Man is right, you teach people how to treat you. If someone condones this action they're going to be stuck with that caliber of person.

I don't think we need to understand WHY someone's manipulative to know how to deal with it. Doesn't matter if they're justified, condoneable, understandable or what, games are games and you just have to decide wether or not you'll put up with them.

 

[vibrant]

understanding the reasons behind a behaviour IS essential to dealing with it as a couple and as individuals. although since she's done with the relationship, she shouldn't dwell on his part in the mess but figure out her role so she can prevent it from happening again.

 

[daughterofzion]

understanding the reasons behind a behaviour IS essential to dealing with it as a couple and as individuals. although since she's done with the relationship, she shouldn't dwell on his part in the mess but figure out her role so she can prevent it from happening again.

exactly

we cant change other people but we can change ourselves

Praise God she didnt marry this man... she obviously stayed in the relationship far to long considering one of his main behavior and personalities hurt her deeply.

 

[JPPT1974]

Only the Lord can and will change this person through prayer and having faith in the Lord!!

 

[loreocookie]

Thanks guys. I was starting to feel attacked here. I think understanding the behavior will help her to move on and prevent it from happening again. And of course she really cared about the guy, so it's not easy to not care about why he treated her the way that he did.

 

[revelations12_12]

The guy is manipulative. He's probably just trying to get attention.

But... to be perfectly honest, I've noticed that most girls seem to prefer manipulative jerks. Seriously. See, when I like a girl, I tend to be a lot nicer than usual. Of all of the crushes I've had, none of them were interested when I was interested in them. However... after I start working on killing the crush I tend to turn into a jerk (just because I have to build that space between us, not because I've been rejected), and what do you know... the girl comes running... usually by the time that I've moved on.

It's really retarded. I guess I'll know when I've found the right girl when she actually responds to my being nice to her right off the bat rather then when I've moved on and am being a jerk.

I find that if you are a jerk from the get go this is the best...