Why Do So Many Christian Marriages Struggle?

[DZoolander]

How America has evolved over the past 40-50 years is an interesting case study in how quickly things can fundamentally change in a society. People often think that great social shifts take a long time to occur - but I think that's incorrect. It really only takes one generation - because once it becomes all THEY have ever known (and everyone else dies off) - it's now the norm.

Prior to the 1980s public education in the US was virtually free and college debt (unless you went to private university) was unheard of. My dad went to the University of California system - and graduated debt free. My sister is a baby boomer - also went to the University of California system (having graduated with her BA in 1974 and her MA in 1976). She was able to pay for her entire college education (including rent/books/etc) on a part time job teaching swimming at the YWCA. No loans, no grants, no scholarships, no help from my folks. Just her part time job.

That was because in those days, states (on average) would pay for about 80-90% of all university operating costs. Students would pay tuition, of course, but tuition pretty much served as a way to keep them invested in the process and keep the non-serious out. It certainly wasn't the primary means of supporting the universities.

Nowadays in the US - on average - states pay about 8-10% of university operating costs.

People accept this nowadays (and defend it) because it's all they've known. The boomers have bought into the whole "taxation is theft" types of arguments and see any kind of public investment in anything as some bizarre evidence of "socialism" - and balk against it. Kids don't fight for it - because they don't really know any different. They're used to getting the short end of the stick.

But for the MAJORITY of time 20th century - it simply wasn't that way.

 

[Paul Su]

Most people, when they marry, are terribly ignorant or in denial about the many elements which are going to impact them in their marriages. Here's a list of some issues which are rarely considered and even if considered often ignored with magical thinking that everything will just work out.

1. Almost anytime a person starts their rationale for a decision with "I feel..." the foundation upon which that decision is being made is unstable. There is a common phrase going around, "Facts don't care about your feelings", and that is true. Despite an ever growing segment of our population which relies on their "feelings" to make decisions, it is not a healthy trend and will only accelerate misery. Our minds should govern our emotions and our minds should emulate the Spirit of God. The Fruit of the Spirit is borne of daily decision making not daily feelings.

2. Using God/Scripture to justify bad behavior/bad decisions. People want to feel good about the choices they make and if they can use God/Scripture to justify them they believe they have credibility. Unfortunately, upon closer scrutiny the context is often terribly distorted. People use all sorts of faulty reasoning/justification to avoid being wrong about a decision and God/Scripture in on that list as well.

3. Too much or too little infusion of psychology into a marital situation. Seems like people in the church can't figure out that we are multi-faceted creatures with many spheres of health: spiritual, medical, mental, relational etc. You can have someone who appears to be a modern day Apostle Paul in the church, but in their relationships is markedly dysfunctional. If and when the dysfunction comes out, people will often offer a one dimensional solution either psychological or spiritual. Or the person may simply be dismissed as being a "bad" person. Bottom line: if a person is exhibiting toxic or dysfunctional behavior in any area of their lives there is a reason and all possibilities should be considered both in the source of the problem and the solution as long as it is not in conflict with God's Word.

4. Expectations. This more than any other topic (outside of adultery and violence), can sink a marriage. Sadly, expectations are often not even discussed prior to engagement or marriage. Even if one or both start to see red flags they resort to excuse making rather than scuttle the marriage plans. Think about it. Conflict almost always has to do with what we expect from the situation and the other people in the situation. Sex, money, chores, in-laws, overall behavior, attitudes etc. When our expectations are not met, we become angry, disappointed and eventually resentful and bitter. The trick is determining if your expectations are unreasonable or if the other persons failure to meet your expectations is the legitimate source of the problem.

5. Natural consequences. Relationships are subject to them just like any other area of life, except that we often time promote the idea that they are not. The vows with which many of us were married indicate that we will endure and be committed as a couple during times of distress. Unfortunately, one partner will often times use the vows to emotionally blackmail the other to keep them from taking necessary steps to address dysfunctional behavior in the marriage. The vows assume that both parties are equally committed to the covenant and will work jointly to ensure its success. It is not a license for one person to shift daily responsibilities and burdens to the other out of convenience. There must be accountability within every context where people interact. Without it there will be inequity and exploitation. Relationships don't magically crumble. They crumble because of unaddressed dysfunction.

6. It doesn't always take two to tango. A popular notion is that both parties in a broken marriage are responsible. Certainly the case can be made that because we are all imperfect it would be silly to say that both parties don't bare blame, but that doesn't mean it is a 50/50 split. Often times the source of the dysfunction can be found primarily in one person. And often that person doesn't want to hear it because they can't handle the reality of the situation. In Christian marriages this can be especially brutal because the first course of action, which may last months or even years, is to pursue a spiritual solution or a unilateral change of behavior/approach on behalf of the more healthy partner. Meanwhile, the more unhealthy partner continues to function without accountability or potential consequence for their bad behavior. Commitment and accountability have been somewhat vilified in our culture, but are cornerstones of effective and healthy systems and relationships.

7. Time to grow up. Not understanding the emotional age of your partner BEFORE you get engaged/married can have devastating effects after. There are many individuals whose emotional growth is stunted in adolescence. They learn to compensate and project a more mature persona, but over time and under pressure they will resort to behavior which is more typical of a struggling teen-ager than a maturing adult. This breeds all kind of problems in the relationship and often morphs into a parent/child dynamic more than two equal adults. The "parent" can be accused of being controlling and even abusive by the "child" especially when the "parent" tries to hold the "child" accountable for their childish behavior. If this cannot be fixed the relationship is almost certainly doomed emotionally even if it survives legally.

The church bears a great deal of responsibility for the fact that the divorce rate among Christians is not much different than for non-Christians. We don't spend much time teaching our young people (and older people) what is required for a successful relationship and we avoid discussing the type of individuals who should be avoided. We mistake discernment for being judgmental and have foolishly bought into the notion of feelings before all else. The old women and the old men should be teaching the young, but what are they teaching them?? Are we simply passing on generational dysfunction or actual Biblical principles for how to be successful??

This is such crucial but easy to follow information, thank you. It comes at a time where I have seen FOUR Christian marriages around me end in the span of less than a couple years, and knowing this will help me plod forward in mine.

 

[RDKirk]

How America has evolved over the past 40-50 years is an interesting case study in how quickly things can fundamentally change in a society. People often think that great social shifts take a long time to occur - but I think that's incorrect. It really only takes one generation - because once it becomes all THEY have ever known (and everyone else dies off) - it's now the norm.

Prior to the 1980s public education in the US was virtually free and college debt (unless you went to private university) was unheard of. My dad went to the University of California system - and graduated debt free. My sister is a baby boomer - also went to the University of California system (having graduated with her BA in 1974 and her MA in 1976). She was able to pay for her entire college education (including rent/books/etc) on a part time job teaching swimming at the YWCA. No loans, no grants, no scholarships, no help from my folks. Just her part time job.

That was because in those days, states (on average) would pay for about 80-90% of all university operating costs. Students would pay tuition, of course, but tuition pretty much served as a way to keep them invested in the process and keep the non-serious out. It certainly wasn't the primary means of supporting the universities.

I attended the top state college in the early 70s. My tuition was $25.00 per credit hour. I had a part-time job earning $2.50 an hour. It took only six weeks of part-time work to pay for a full-load 12-hour semester.

 

[DZoolander]

I attended the top state college in the early 70s. My tuition was $25.00 per credit hour. I had a part-time job earning $2.50 an hour. It took only six weeks of part-time work to pay for a full-load 12-hour semester.

Exactly.

That’s how it was throughout the bulk of the 20th century...ya know...the time period people look back at when they put on their MAGA hats.

Nobody ever looks back at that period as “the lean socialist years that we barely made it through” - yet God forbid you suggest going back to those earlier policies that clearly worked.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Its probably already been said but most grow up seeing marriage as some fairy tale thing thanks to books, games, movies, tv....etc. Then on top of it as a christian they are made to feel like "The perfect spouse" will fine them and everything will be happily ever after. Its why I refuse to let our future kids watch fairy tale junk when it comes to relationships. Its not realistic. Marriage is a ton of work, its hard and there are even times when you wish you were still single. BUT if you can make it through those stages you can still have the best marriage that is possible in terms of a realistic marriage.