Why do people do this?

[bostonlass]

I have been chatting online and on the phone with this guy for about two weeks now. We planned to go out tomorrow for coffee and meet for the first time. (we met on christianmingle.com) I went on a cruise with my two daughters this week and got back yesterday. While on the cruise he wanted me to write to him so I did...and it cost me about $15 for the internet charge. That's fine, not a big deal. Well we chatted last night on the phone and as far as I could tell things were fine.

Today I logged in about three times and each time saw that he was also logged in. I im'd him twice and he did not respond each time. I emailed him and asked if we are still on for tomorrow and if not I wished him well. Still no reply!!!

I just don't get it. Fine if he had a change of heart, met someone better, etc. but why on earth can't he just tell me this? I have a babysitter set up and now it's too late to cancel her so I guess I'll just go out by myself. Why can't people be honest in these situations. Do they not know that it messes us up more by being so mean?!?!?!

 

[fishstix]

How much time have you given him to reply? It's possible that he may have accidentally left his computer on (and logged in) but not have actually been there. And he may not have checked his email yet.

 

[justasinner]

Do not give up. You may have misunderstood the situation. Now this time tomorrow it may be the time to vent.

So, let me play the devil advocate with the little info you gave us.

First, it could that someone else is using his computer. Since you have a daughter and she may use your computer so could his children. Or at work a co-worker could be using his computer. In both cases, the person that is using the computer thinks they could get trouble if they communicated with you. Which means he might not know about the IMs only that last email.

Second, he could be trying to finish something at work or dealing with the boss and did not have the time to talk. And that last email may have up set him where he does not know what to do.

So, be patient and trust in God that the date will go on. And please wait until after the deadline of date before judging this man or his motives until after the time for the date. Yes, I could be wrong but until the time has passed for the data let hold our judgment and have some nice thoughts and prays about it.

 

[bostonlass]

Thanks guys. He did reply late last night.(around 11pm). He said that he thought our date was for next week. (earlier in the week when we chatted we were both on the same page). He said, "if you really want to meet tomorrow then call my cell phone around noonish".

I replied by cancelling and saying we're not a match and that I wish him the best in the future. I did this for a few reasons:

1) If this is how he acts now I can't believe that his behavior would change much. By behavior I don't mean not answering the im's since I agree he could have left his computer on, but I mean forgetting when a date is. I have two daughters and can't just jump out when I feel. It takes planning whether it be to plan a date during the weekend my ex takes them or getting a babysitter.

2) The tone of "if you really want to...." just totally put me off.

Anyway I waited until today to tell him no. I needed to listen to my gut and pray about it and I believe I did what was right for me. This man is in his mid 40's so he totally should know how to act and he should be responsible with his dates by now. Also what led me to call things off is that he is only separated, not divorced or single. That had been gnawing at my gut for a while and I had been praying about it all along these past couple of weeks so I honestly have to believe now that God has shown me the way out.

Thanks so much for your advice.

 

[JPPT1974]

Do not give up. You may have misunderstood the situation. Now this time tomorrow it may be the time to vent.

So, let me play the devil advocate with the little info you gave us.

First, it could that someone else is using his computer. Since you have a daughter and she may use your computer so could his children. Or at work a co-worker could be using his computer. In both cases, the person that is using the computer thinks they could get trouble if they communicated with you. Which means he might not know about the IMs only that last email.

Second, he could be trying to finish something at work or dealing with the boss and did not have the time to talk. And that last email may have up set him where he does not know what to do.

So, be patient and trust in God that the date will go on. And please wait until after the deadline of date before judging this man or his motives until after the time for the date. Yes, I could be wrong but until the time has passed for the data let hold our judgment and have some nice thoughts and prays about it.

Be patient as the Lord will make him answer in the Lord's time and will. And don't judge the man because he's busy and may have other important things to do. Also don't be judgemental but be polite and friendly because that is what the Lord wants you to do!!

 

[the_man]

2) The tone of "if you really want to...." just totally put me off.

You get tone in your emails?! what provider are you using?


Seriously though, I think something as delicate as the beginning of a relationship should be handled in person or on the phone. A lot can be miscommunicated when we try to use 256 characters of text.

 

[vibrant]

sweetcaroline, i say stick with your gut feelings.

 

[Princess Pea]

sweetcaroline, i say stick with your gut feelings.

I TOTALLY agree! I think you handled this perfectly, especially since he turned out to be separated. But even if he had been completely single - well, I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but there comes a time when reasons turn into excuses. I've never had anything promising come from a situation with a guy where I found myself starting a sentence with "Well, maybe he's just ... " What I've gotten instead are emotionally draining, ambiguous relationships that just drag on and on and on ... enough already! I don't recall any of the relationships of my now-married friends beginning in mixed messages, and I now take any weirdness as an early warning sign.

I think we (maybe women especially?) can sometimes make excuses for people with whom we want romantic relationships when they aren't responding in the way we hope. "He's interested - he just lost my phone number, that's all." Yeah, right. Despite all our mental gymnastics and assurances from our friends, the truth is that he usually just isn't. (Interested, that is.) There is a fine line between being patient/understanding with someone and letting them string you along, and having crossed it a couple of times myself, I'm getting better at discerning exactly where it is. I, for one, think sweetcaroline did exactly the right thing here.

 

[bostonlass]

I TOTALLY agree! I think you handled this perfectly, especially since he turned out to be separated. But even if he had been completely single - well, I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but there comes a time when reasons turn into excuses. I've never had anything promising come from a situation with a guy where I found myself starting a sentence with "Well, maybe he's just ... " What I've gotten instead are emotionally draining, ambiguous relationships that just drag on and on and on ... enough already! I don't recall any of the relationships of my now-married friends beginning in mixed messages, and I now take any weirdness as an early warning sign.

I think we (maybe women especially?) can sometimes make excuses for people with whom we want romantic relationships when they aren't responding in the way we hope. "He's interested - he just lost my phone number, that's all." Yeah, right. Despite all our mental gymnastics and assurances from our friends, the truth is that he usually just isn't. (Interested, that is.) There is a fine line between being patient/understanding with someone and letting them string you along, and having crossed it a couple of times myself, I'm getting better at discerning exactly where it is. I, for one, think sweetcaroline did exactly the right thing here.

Thanks. I agree, obviously Actually a very good book to read is "He's Just Not That Into You". It's not a "christian" book, per se, but has a lot of common sense info that is very much needed for me, who can rationalize anything!!! I really needed to read it so that I could stop attracting men who use me for this or that. Had I read it before I started dating loooong ago I would have saved myself much agony. Many nights waiting by the phone wondering if he'd call, thinking "oh he must be stuck in traffic" or, "oh he's just to busy to remember when our date is". Quite frankly, if you like someone, you're gonna remember what date your date is on!!

I think God thinks that I'm valuable enough to be remembered and I find comfort in the fact that I'm not dating someone who is separated. I don't know why a Christian dating site even lets separated people on but that's a whole other story....

 

[bostonlass]

You get tone in your emails?! what provider are you using?


Seriously though, I think something as delicate as the beginning of a relationship should be handled in person or on the phone. A lot can be miscommunicated when we try to use 256 characters of text.

I know what you're saying and I've been guilty in the past of misinterpreting someone's tone in an email. I may have done so on this occasion as well but the words themselves didn't help his case any.

I also agree that phone communication is key in the beggining especially. Heck, say I forgot (which I wouldn't) that we had a date and he wrote to me asking if we're still on. I'd have been on the phone in a heartbeat saying "oh my gosh I'm soooo sorry!!! I completely forgot!!!". I think I read him right and I'm a lot more at peace now. God will send me someone or send me to someone when we're both ready.

 

[woman.at.the.well]

sweetcaroline, i say stick with your gut feelings.

Amen to that! You did the right thing Caroline! Go with your gut. No matter what anyone else tells you, married is married!!!

 

[JPPT1974]

I know what you're saying and I've been guilty in the past of misinterpreting someone's tone in an email. I may have done so on this occasion as well but the words themselves didn't help his case any.

I also agree that phone communication is key in the beggining especially. Heck, say I forgot (which I wouldn't) that we had a date and he wrote to me asking if we're still on. I'd have been on the phone in a heartbeat saying "oh my gosh I'm soooo sorry!!! I completely forgot!!!". I think I read him right and I'm a lot more at peace now. God will send me someone or send me to someone when we're both ready.

Hey I have always been either misunderstood when people misinterpret my tone of communication either on the internet or in front of my face. And worse is that I misunderstand their tone. Yeah be at peace as God will send you and me someone or something when He wants us ready in his will and plan.