Why do I exist then..?

[SeekingGod888]

Now Christians this is going to be very long, please read the whole thing, I am begging you. I was raised as a Christian and I have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior. In fact I did this several times in my life and I know that there was a time where I followed the Bible, prayed every night, and believe without a doubt that Jesus is Lord. However when I was in high school I began to feel these dark pulls towards Satanism. I would borrow CDs from friends that had very hateful music on them and I enjoyed the lyrics very much. But I would always feel bad about it. This was the start of my road towards apostasy. I resisted Satan's temptations for about three years but eventually I gave into them. I rejected Christ and accepted Satan. I started studying the occult, New Age, aliens, demonology, and every single aspect of the occult that you can imagine. I would insult God, Jesus, and even insult the Holy Spirit. I was depraved and hateful, angry. I never committed crimes, or physically harmed anyone, but my depravity was deep. I can honestly say that I had almost no conscience. I loved Satan and I began to research the New World Order. I respected the depraved occultists that apparently run the governments of this world. I found many similarities in their supposed beliefs with my own. I sought to become demon possessed even. I wanted to go to war with God. I hated God. However I eventually came to realize the error of my ways and I repented to Christ again. But it felt so hollow and empty. It was as if there was no response. I kept on praying and I guess I convinced myself that I was saved again but I wasn't. It didn't take long for me to get pulled back into the occult. This is a cycle that kept repeating for about four years. I would feel "convicted", repent, and then fall away back into the occult. Last night I came into repentance once again with the same results. At first I felt like I had been forgiven and I was praying. But I had a strange dream last night, and when I was half awake, and half dreaming still, I heard myself saying that I didn't want to be a Christian anymore. Then I woke up and I felt as if I was still a Christian. As the day went on this changed and I began to feel more like an unsaved person. I started to fall back into my old ways again. I tried to rebuke the feelings, the demons, the darkness but they wouldn't leave, not even when I renounced them in Jesus' name. Then I did some research and found these scriptures:


Hebrews 6:4-6


"4 It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age 6 and who have fallen[c] away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace."



Hebrews 10:26-31

"26If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”d and again, “The Lord will judge his people.”e 31It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God."


I realize now what I have done. I am an apostate who cannot be restored to salvation. There is nothing for me now but the promise of the lake of fire and judgement. I wept for nearly ten minutes after I found this out and I have no idea why I exist or why I was born in the first place. I was damned before I drew my first breath. It would have been better for me to have never been born. My entire family still thinks I am a Christian. I have no idea how to explain this at all. When we all stand before God, I will be parted from everyone I know forever, and I will be thrown into the lake of fire. I will never see them again because I made stupid choices. I just don't understand why I exist at all.. is this for God's amusement? Does he hate me? I just don't understand why I cannot be forgiven again. I know I don't deserve it but all the same I just wish that I could be. I feel a mixture of anger, deep depression, and bewilderment now. The strange thing is that I am not afraid. If I am indeed doomed to look to the lake of fire until I die, I know I deserve it, and I understand that whatever I get is whatever I deserve. I just want to know why I exist if I was never meant to go to heaven?

 

[drjean]

Not so fast. Consider what the one thing satan can do once he loses a cohort to Christ? Make them believe they were never saved in the first place, make them doubt and draw them back so at least they don't serve Christ Jesus.

Jesus Christ, the same yesterday today and forever.
God, Who cannot lie...

Perhaps you are trusting your feelings (which can be influenced even by peers, right?) Trust Christ Jesus to keep His Word when He says 'No man/one can pluck them from my Hand." "Whosoever will, may come."

Pitch all the junk from your former beliefs (could be toe holds for the dark side) and thank God for His salvation. Dive into His Word, and know that there isn't a thing we can do for our salvation, it's all His power.

 

[Tomas de Torquemada]

the calvinist answer is the damned are created so that God may demostrate his wrath by destroying them.


The catholic answer is you are not dead yet. Repent. St. Augustine didn't full convert till he was like 30. With a child by one of the slaves he was using in the natural fashion.

 

[bling]

I think you have been far from a person that is fully assured of his salvation from knowing the Holy Spirit is fully involved inside of you personally. In the scheme of things, on your road to salvation you have not reached the point of no return. I think you have heard an incomplete message and are trying to implement only part of the Gospel.

These “demons” are no match for the power of the Holy Spirit, but you may not even have the indwelling portion of the Holy Spirit yet.

You need to accept more help from God. You seem to be wanting to stay in control and are pushing God away. One of the things you can do to help you feel the new life and commitment is to allow someone to water immersion baptism (this is not done to “save” you, but to help you). You will have an moment in time when you can feel your sins being washed away, relate physically to the death, burial and resurrection of Christ, you can sense the old man being buried, allowing yourself to be placed in the hands of your brother giving up on self, rising to a new life with a new family that will hug and surround you as you step forward. In Acts 2:38 that was when the Jews on Pentecost received that indwelling Holy Spirit.

You need to start telling fellow Christians your struggles you are not alone and some that you do not know have greater struggles then you do. I have heard lots a stories by mighty Christians today about their former struggles.

 

[Kryztzyn]

I think DrJean is right, darlin, these doubts are not of God, it is Satan and Co. in full swing around you. Your feelings of unworthiness and damnation are from those evil influences. Do not let the demons win! All of us sinners are capable of salvation. ALL. Even you.

You may notice that people occasionally use Bible verses to support their own ideas, rather than looking to the will of God. Devils know how to use the Bible. Do not allow the scripture to be twisted - you are still one of God's children! You have the strength to resist this and insist upon walking in the light of Jesus Christ. Insist upon it!

When you say you "did some research" I tend to assume you upped some Google stock into that. Do not allow other people to tell you what the Bible says. Do not rely on the Internet for salvation! Pick up that dusty Bible and listen with your heart. The world wide web is rife with human error and much can be misunderstood when verses are cherry-picked to serve a purpose. Focus on the truth that you know is right. No one is beyond being saved.

"But every man in his own order: Christ the firstfruits; afterward they that are Christ's at his coming." 1 Corinthians 15:23 (KJV) (Even those that jump in at the last minute!)

And here are some other verses I found that might help you:

"Repent ye therefore, and be converted , that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord; " Acts 3:19

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7

"This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, saith the Lord, I will put my laws into their hearts, and in their minds will I write them; And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more." Hebrews 10:16-17



"To the Lord our God belong mercies and forgivenesses, though we have rebelled against him" Daniel 9:9


I bet you can find far more verses that will speak to your heart and mind and lead you to Truth. Maybe spend some time on that.

Perhaps pray a bit with Psalm 25, I find it a helpful one myself.

THIS time, when you come to the Lord, do it FULLY. Give yourself to God completely, and don't look back. Jesus died for your sins. In this way, "whosoever shall believeth" in Him is forgiven! Shall not perish! (That includes you!)

 

[oi_antz]

Now Christians this is going to be very long, please read the whole thing, I am begging you. I was raised as a Christian and I have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior. In fact I did this several times in my life and I know that there was a time where I followed the Bible, prayed every night, and believe without a doubt that Jesus is Lord. However when I was in high school I began to feel these dark pulls towards Satanism. I would borrow CDs from friends that had very hateful music on them and I enjoyed the lyrics very much. But I would always feel bad about it. This was the start of my road towards apostasy. I resisted Satan's temptations for about three years but eventually I gave into them. I rejected Christ and accepted Satan. I started studying the occult, New Age, aliens, demonology, and every single aspect of the occult that you can imagine. I would insult God, Jesus, and even insult the Holy Spirit. I was depraved and hateful, angry. I never committed crimes, or physically harmed anyone, but my depravity was deep. I can honestly say that I had almost no conscience. I loved Satan and I began to research the New World Order. I respected the depraved occultists that apparently run the governments of this world. I found many similarities in their supposed beliefs with my own. I sought to become demon possessed even. I wanted to go to war with God. I hated God. However I eventually came to realize the error of my ways and I repented to Christ again. But it felt so hollow and empty. It was as if there was no response. I kept on praying and I guess I convinced myself that I was saved again but I wasn't. It didn't take long for me to get pulled back into the occult. This is a cycle that kept repeating for about four years. I would feel "convicted", repent, and then fall away back into the occult. Last night I came into repentance once again with the same results. At first I felt like I had been forgiven and I was praying. But I had a strange dream last night, and when I was half awake, and half dreaming still, I heard myself saying that I didn't want to be a Christian anymore. Then I woke up and I felt as if I was still a Christian. As the day went on this changed and I began to feel more like an unsaved person. I started to fall back into my old ways again. I tried to rebuke the feelings, the demons, the darkness but they wouldn't leave, not even when I renounced them in Jesus' name. Then I did some research and found these scriptures:


Hebrews 6:4-6


"4 It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age 6 and who have fallen[c] away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace."



Hebrews 10:26-31

"26If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”d and again, “The Lord will judge his people.”e 31It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God."


I realize now what I have done. I am an apostate who cannot be restored to salvation. There is nothing for me now but the promise of the lake of fire and judgement. I wept for nearly ten minutes after I found this out and I have no idea why I exist or why I was born in the first place. I was damned before I drew my first breath. It would have been better for me to have never been born. My entire family still thinks I am a Christian. I have no idea how to explain this at all. When we all stand before God, I will be parted from everyone I know forever, and I will be thrown into the lake of fire. I will never see them again because I made stupid choices. I just don't understand why I exist at all.. is this for God's amusement? Does he hate me? I just don't understand why I cannot be forgiven again. I know I don't deserve it but all the same I just wish that I could be. I feel a mixture of anger, deep depression, and bewilderment now. The strange thing is that I am not afraid. If I am indeed doomed to look to the lake of fire until I die, I know I deserve it, and I understand that whatever I get is whatever I deserve. I just want to know why I exist if I was never meant to go to heaven?

It sounds like you are confused about what to believe. What makes you believe one part of the bible when you don't believe another? If I was able to discuss this with you I would be saying to investigate your inner self to discover whose side you would like to be on. Find out whether Jesus' righteousness is something you value, and when you have that answer then you will have the answer to your question "why did God create me if I am just going to be destroyed". God doesn't like greed and corruption, He likes honesty. However, there is a path that humankind must take in order to arrive at the destination of eutopia, it is documented well in prophecy. Another thing God values is wisdom. Do you remember the story of Esau and Jacob? Do you remember that Esau sold his inheritance to Jacob for a bowl of soup? What are you doing with your life? Jesus has offered us an inheritance, will you sell it for a fleeting carnality, or will you obey Him and seek the kingdom of God, knowing that everything else you need will be added upon you. Have a good think about it.

I like heavy metal too. I love some of the lyrics, I find them inspiring to consider, even though obviously the artist's have often misunderstood or downright rejected the truth of the matter. Read Marilyn Manson's lyrics "the nobodies", I woke this morning with this song going through my head. He says something very profound in this song, he says "tomorrow I know I'm just dirt". It is important to remember this, and when you ponder your question "why am I alive", think about what God might be able to achieve if you will cooperate with Him. Jesus said "look around, the field is ripe for harvest". We harvest what others have worked to produce. John the baptist said "He will gather the wheat into the barn and burn the chaff with unquenchable fire". A question you need to ask yourself is "do I stand with Jesus, will I work for Him or will I fight Him". It sounds to me that you have a lot of baggage associated with your Christian experience. I say this because you said you were guilty for listening to hate music. How can someone who loves not love the artist and the art, just because it is hate? Don't you think if the artist and his followers can love the art, then so can you? Maybe you should shop around the churches in your area until you find one that will support you rather than undermine you. Remember that churches are collections of people, and every person is an individual. Seek out those individuals that will help you unleash your potential and reap the harvest: put first the kingdom of God and everything else will be added to you. By the way, the fact that you've come to this crisis is a good sign, I think it shows that you really don't want to go down the wrong path.

 

[Johnnz]

There are no unforgiven sins. Jesus died for all sins for all people for all of time. Calvinism as some accept it is a terrible teaching that misses so much of the real biblical message.

Jesus will welcome you with open arms.

John
NZ

 

[americanvet]

What you may be going through is something a cousin of mine went through 5 years ago. He was raised in a Christian home and did all the church stuff. However, when he turned 19 he realized he had never been saved. He assumed he was a Christian because of his family upbringing. I am NOT saying this is your case.

Regardless if of the situation you need to do the same things: PRAY to GOD, read the Bible (try reading 1 John), talk to a pastor, and get involved with a community of believers! God loves you and wants to be not in your life, but to be your life.

 

[Ara16w]

You exist to experience life. There will be ups and downs and even some mistakes along the way, but from those instances you grow and you have the opportunity to learn. The question is what are we learning for? What's the end goal to this notion of becoming a better person?

 

[paul1149]

Thankfully, your salvation does not rest on your merits, and certainly not on your feelings. It rests on the sure foundation of Christ's completed works on your behalf. Having suffered so greatly for us, He is not quickly going to cast anyone away who appeals to Him. Hang on and do not give up. Understandably, it probably will take some time, effort and even suffering to reawaken those cavities of your heart, but because of the power of grace, mercy triumphs over judgment.

Those passages in Hebrews cannot be taken at face value, as a careful examination of their immediate and broad Bible context will show. Here is some reading you may want to consider.

http://www.christianforums.com/t7648262/#post60240144
http://www.christianforums.com/t7648262/#post60241099
http://www.christianforums.com/t7648262/#post60242225

 

[singpeace]

Seeking,

You have gotten some great responses. So instead of repeating what others have said, I will do my best to explain exactly what your scriptures mean. These two passages of Scripture (Heb 6 and 10) are easily misunderstood unless one reads all of what is written before chapter 6 and after chapter 10.

Go back and read the whole book of Hebrews - remember, this is a single letter written to saved Jewish Christians - read the whole letter and not just a portion of it. Use a contemporary text like the New Living Translation, which is an accurate translation, and you will see what is really being said by the writer.


1. Hebrews 6:4-6
"4 It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age 6 and who have fallen[c] away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace."

The issue being described is not salvation but fellowship. Believers still struggle with sin even after they’re saved. The ongoing cleansing process to remain in God’s presence is confession. But for Jews it had been the daily sacrifice. When Jesus came He was the ultimate and final sacrifice, so the daily sacrifice of animals would no longer cleanse a believer from his ongoing sin. Confession became and still is the only way to demonstrate repentance.

Placed in that context, the contradiction disappears. It is no longer possible to be brought back to repentance (fellowship) by killing a lamb, and sinning believers who sought this remedy would remain in their sins and out of fellowship with God. (The phrase “if they fall away” in Hebr. 6:6 means if they fall back into the rituals of the law.)

Any attempt to restore themselves to fellowship by any means other than sincere confession would not only be futile but would subject the Lord to public disgrace by implying that His remedy for sin was insufficient or incomplete.



2. Hebrews 10:26-31
"26. If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”d and again, “The Lord will judge his people.”e 31It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God."


This letter is written to Jewish Christians who are undergoing hardship. They have been lobbied by Jewish people who are not Christians to leave Jesus and return to pure Judaism.

The writer encourages his readers to remember the former days when they had first trusted in Jesus; they had endured many sufferings (Heb. 10:32-33), and they had been made a “public spectacle” ; yet, they had great joy and did not let anything keep them from believing in Christ.

He urges them to continue to hold tight to their confidence, which has a great reward (Heb. 10:35) and because there is no other alternative - there is no other way to God except through Jesus - it is only in Jesus' name that salvation is found (Acts 4:12) and not by going back to their old customs of sacrificing animals.

They needed endurance to continue in their Christian walk so they could continue to do the will of God. (Heb. 10:36).


Seeking, living for Christ is no cake-walk. Sometimes it is easy and sometimes very hard. There are valleys to go through, and there are mountains to climb.

But by living for Christ, at the very least, your sleep will be sweeter - when your head hits the pillow at night, there will be peace. Also, living for the Lord brings many priceless rewards that cannot be bought for any amount of money, and they are eternal.

Don't give up - and don't allow yourself to be controlled any longer by what death has to say - take back your life and give it to Christ so that you can live out the adventure God has intended for you.

 

[aiki]

Now Christians this is going to be very long, please read the whole thing, I am begging you. I was raised as a Christian and I have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior. In fact I did this several times in my life and I know that there was a time where I followed the Bible, prayed every night, and believe without a doubt that Jesus is Lord. However when I was in high school I began to feel these dark pulls towards Satanism. I would borrow CDs from friends that had very hateful music on them and I enjoyed the lyrics very much. But I would always feel bad about it. This was the start of my road towards apostasy.

If you really had the holy Spirit of the Almighty Creator of the Universe dwelling within you, as the Bible says ever believer does at the moment of their conversion, you would not have found yourself inexplicably and suddenly attracted to the things of Satan. The transforming presence of God's Spirit within you would have made demonic things repellent to you.

Also, giving intellectual assent to, believing without a doubt, the fact that "Jesus is Lord" is something even the demons do. But their lives do not reflect a heart attitude of love and submission to Christ - and neither did yours, it seems. True salvation is transformational, not merely philosophical. If you had really been saved, you would have lived out that reality by shunning the very things that entrapped you.

I wanted to go to war with God. I hated God. However I eventually came to realize the error of my ways and I repented to Christ again. But it felt so hollow and empty. It was as if there was no response. I kept on praying and I guess I convinced myself that I was saved again but I wasn't. It didn't take long for me to get pulled back into the occult. This is a cycle that kept repeating for about four years. I would feel "convicted", repent, and then fall away back into the occult.

You cannot join the devil's party and expect him to let you leave whenever you like. You have given tremendous ground to Satan in your life and he will not relinquish it without a fight. If you want to be free, I suggest you seek the aid of a real man of God, a man who has walked long and well with God, and get him to pray for you and walk with you through the process of coming free of the Satanic bondage into which you have placed yourself.

Then I woke up and I felt as if I was still a Christian. As the day went on this changed and I began to feel more like an unsaved person. I started to fall back into my old ways again. I tried to rebuke the feelings, the demons, the darkness but they wouldn't leave, not even when I renounced them in Jesus' name.

One is not a Christian just because one feels that one is. Feelings come and go like clouds in the sky. Feelings are frail, foggy ground upon which to rest one's belief in one's salvation. A CHristian's faith rests upon the facts of the Word of God.

Hebrews 6:4-6
4 For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit,
5 and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come,
6 if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame.

Really, all this says, in essence, is that there is no other way to God, no other salvation, than through the Person of Christ. If one rejects him, one is left utterly bereft of any other means of salvation and fellowship with God. And if such rejection is made under a full understanding of the truth ("tasted of," "have become partakers of") of the "heavenly gift," doing so makes it very unlikely that one would ever reconsider it as an option.

Hebrews 10:26-31
26 For if we sin willfully after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins,
27 but a certain fearful expectation of judgment, and fiery indignation which will devour the adversaries.
28 Anyone who has rejected Moses' law dies without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses.
29 Of how much worse punishment, do you suppose, will he be thought worthy who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, counted the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified a common thing, and insulted the Spirit of grace?
30 For we know Him who said, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. And again, "The Lord will judge His people."
31 It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

"Receiving a knowledge of the truth" does not equate to salvation. Demons have a knowledge of the truth but they are not saved. What this passage communicates is how great the jeopardy is for those who know what is true and right and do not act in accord with that knowledge. The greater one's knowledge of the truth, the greater one's condemnation for not acting in accord with it. This is the heart of what is being said in the above passage.

I realize now what I have done. I am an apostate who cannot be restored to salvation. There is nothing for me now but the promise of the lake of fire and judgement.

Friend, I doubt sincerely that you were genuinely saved in the first place. You cannot apostasize from something you never had. The fact that you have any concern whatsoever about apostasizing, however, suggests strongly to me that you are not beyond redemption. It is when a person has total apathy toward the truth of God's Word that they are really far gone. Fortunately, there is no one whose sinful condition or apathy exceeds God's power to forgive and redeem. This includes you.

Romans 5:20
20 ...But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more...

I was damned before I drew my first breath. It would have been better for me to have never been born.

I think you're getting a little overly-dramatic here. If it were truly better for you not to have been born, God wouldn't have given you life. He's got a plan in making you and He'll see it accomplished once you step out of the darkness and into His marvellous light.

Selah.