OCD makes real Christians doubt their salvation. I have OCD, religious OCD. Grantley Morris says that Christians with this will be sure of their salvation one day, then doubt it the next. That is certainly my pattern. But I wonder, do I doubt my salvation because I have OCD or because I am not saved? I have at one point or more, reached the conclusion that I have not only OCD, but wavering faith. I will try to sincerely submit to Jesus, but the sincere attempt will only last a couple of seconds or so. Then my concentration, and, apparently, my faith, will waver away. I have thought that the combination of wavering faith and OCD puts me in the perfect storm. That may be why I have searched for salvation and the assurance thereof for eleven years (since my mother’s death) and have not found them.
But I am wondering whether my doubt comes from the possible fact that I have never actually had saving faith. I convince myself that I have saving faith sometimes for brief periods of time. Then I doubt. If my doubt comes only from my OCD, but I am actually saved, then my only real problem is solved. But if my doubt comes from not only my OCD, but from the fact that I have not really surrendered to Christ, then my only real problem remains. I do wonder if, in my heart of hearts, I am so committed to myself that I’m willing to fool myself (and others) into thinking I’m saved when I’m really not.
I may have the problem of, in my heart of hearts, not REALLY valuing Jesus and eternal life above everything else. I can, in part, lay the problem to my upbringing. I grew up in a non-Christian home where the ideals of the anti-God world system were highly elevated. I was brought up to think that I was good and to pursue the desires of my heart. Not only that, but I was the youngest child, the spoiled child. I was brought up to think that I am good and to pursue the desires of my heart. In my formative years, I was brought up this way. I learned the gospel for the first time in sixth grade, then was confronted with the possibility that I was not really saved, in about tenth grade. So the struggle between my upbringing’s view of reality and desires, and the view of the Christian gospel, within me, has been long and horrible. I don’t mention this as an excuse; lots of people who become born-again Christians have similar upbringings. But maybe I am taking longer to REALLY make the right decision, the decision for Christ, than some other people. My brother says that God does not send people to hell; they send themselves to hell.
Many gospel tracts include the sentence: “God has a wonderful plan for your life.” The problem is, *I* have a wonderful plan for my life, which has developed over months and years. I am living on an inheritance which is not expected to last me the rest of my life. In recent years, I have had the idea that I should turn my existing wealth into a business plan designed to make more money. Not just out of greed, but so I can live. I have had plans to start a business. In recent months, I have established a plan to pursue an invention idea instead of a business idea. The more I think about the invention idea, the more it seems to me that it should work. I have turned a desk in my house into a laboratory at which I work on the invention. I have thought that only if God would bless my plans, then they will work out.
I am confronted with the possibility that God’s plans for me, if I get saved, might be different than my plans for me. I have just been reading in Proverbs 3: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes…” Am I valuing my career plans above God’s will and eternal life? If I don’t have an economic turn around, then I am liable to become homeless, or at least a pauper, later in life. If I am not saved and I don’t have a spiritual turn around, then I won’t end up in heaven. Over the last decade, I have mostly been committed to seeking first the kingdom of heaven. But I may not have yet been REALLY willing to do what one must do to enter the kingdom. Whenever I have severely enough doubted my salvation, I have stopped work on my projects and resumed the seeking of salvation. Whenever I have just convinced myself I am saved, I have resumed work on my projects.
When my doubt became strong enough in the last two or three days, I decided, something has to be done about this. I need to get to work on my projects in order to not become homeless or a pauper. I also need to not only be really saved, I need to have permanent assurance of salvation. Logically speaking, the spiritual need is way more important than the economic need. I have decided that I have to take some kind of approach that leads first to salvation and assurance, then to financial success. I am not yet sure what form that approach is going to take, or how long it is going to take.
But I am wondering whether my doubt comes from the possible fact that I have never actually had saving faith. I convince myself that I have saving faith sometimes for brief periods of time. Then I doubt. If my doubt comes only from my OCD, but I am actually saved, then my only real problem is solved. But if my doubt comes from not only my OCD, but from the fact that I have not really surrendered to Christ, then my only real problem remains. I do wonder if, in my heart of hearts, I am so committed to myself that I’m willing to fool myself (and others) into thinking I’m saved when I’m really not.
I may have the problem of, in my heart of hearts, not REALLY valuing Jesus and eternal life above everything else. I can, in part, lay the problem to my upbringing. I grew up in a non-Christian home where the ideals of the anti-God world system were highly elevated. I was brought up to think that I was good and to pursue the desires of my heart. Not only that, but I was the youngest child, the spoiled child. I was brought up to think that I am good and to pursue the desires of my heart. In my formative years, I was brought up this way. I learned the gospel for the first time in sixth grade, then was confronted with the possibility that I was not really saved, in about tenth grade. So the struggle between my upbringing’s view of reality and desires, and the view of the Christian gospel, within me, has been long and horrible. I don’t mention this as an excuse; lots of people who become born-again Christians have similar upbringings. But maybe I am taking longer to REALLY make the right decision, the decision for Christ, than some other people. My brother says that God does not send people to hell; they send themselves to hell.
Many gospel tracts include the sentence: “God has a wonderful plan for your life.” The problem is, *I* have a wonderful plan for my life, which has developed over months and years. I am living on an inheritance which is not expected to last me the rest of my life. In recent years, I have had the idea that I should turn my existing wealth into a business plan designed to make more money. Not just out of greed, but so I can live. I have had plans to start a business. In recent months, I have established a plan to pursue an invention idea instead of a business idea. The more I think about the invention idea, the more it seems to me that it should work. I have turned a desk in my house into a laboratory at which I work on the invention. I have thought that only if God would bless my plans, then they will work out.
I am confronted with the possibility that God’s plans for me, if I get saved, might be different than my plans for me. I have just been reading in Proverbs 3: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes…” Am I valuing my career plans above God’s will and eternal life? If I don’t have an economic turn around, then I am liable to become homeless, or at least a pauper, later in life. If I am not saved and I don’t have a spiritual turn around, then I won’t end up in heaven. Over the last decade, I have mostly been committed to seeking first the kingdom of heaven. But I may not have yet been REALLY willing to do what one must do to enter the kingdom. Whenever I have severely enough doubted my salvation, I have stopped work on my projects and resumed the seeking of salvation. Whenever I have just convinced myself I am saved, I have resumed work on my projects.
When my doubt became strong enough in the last two or three days, I decided, something has to be done about this. I need to get to work on my projects in order to not become homeless or a pauper. I also need to not only be really saved, I need to have permanent assurance of salvation. Logically speaking, the spiritual need is way more important than the economic need. I have decided that I have to take some kind of approach that leads first to salvation and assurance, then to financial success. I am not yet sure what form that approach is going to take, or how long it is going to take.