Why can't she apologize

[azheis]

This is mostly directed at the ladies

Why is it so hard for a wife to say she is sorry

Example: Today my wife was in a bad mood….I guess it was bad, she didn’t want to talk, or talk about it. I asked her at three different times what was going on, “I don’t want to talk about it” the final time I got a one word response/with body language that felt like she was flipping me off; just how it felt.

After that I did not try to talk to her in fact I avoided her and did not speak to her at all. By the evening the response of “are you tired of feeling sorry for yourself” – I didn’t know I was, I was, just ticked off. She was out of her mood and to her I guess everything was fine.

Don’t get me wrong I understand everybody has bad days including myself, but when I do I always apologize for my actions, knowing I had been a jerk. In contrast I could count on one hand the amount of times she has apologized to me in our 20 years of marriage.

Is this a pride thing? Does she feel she has nothing to apologize for? To me it is a total lack of respect towards me. I have still not gotten any type of apology even after I have told her how I felt. My feeling is that when your wrong you apologize, is she so self-righteous that she feels no need to do so. Many times it is me who apologizes to her after she had pulled this just to smooth things over; I am not doing that tonight, still waiting.

Thank you for your help

Imagine1

FYI we are both Christians

 

[desi]

Try acting different and see where it gets you. If you act your normal way you will get the same results. If you are quiet try yelling, if you yell try giving her the silent treatment, or you could just go for a few hours without saying anything. Try different things to see what happens. The key is not being predictable, which will get predictable results most of the time.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

Yeah....well anyway!

I actually had to apologize to my hubby yesterday for being short with him. We both are the type to apologize if we know we have done the other wrong. It was actually my hubby that taught me how to apologize b/c I wasn't raised where you apologize (this might be your wife's case too) Apologizing is not always a great feeling. Maybe she translates it into " I AM WRONG YOU ARE RIGHT" If she can some how see that an apology doesn't always equate to that-then she may be more quick to do it! Sometimes it just means you are acknowledging the other persons feelings! Have you guys gone over forgive/forgiveness scriptures together?

~In him

 

[IslandBreeze]

Example: Today my wife was in a bad mood….I guess it was bad, she didn’t want to talk, or talk about it. I asked her at three different times what was going on, “I don’t want to talk about it” the final time I got a one word response/with body language that felt like she was flipping me off; just how it felt.

This is your first mistake. Don't egg it on. She WANTS you to beg her to talk to you. It's a power trip for her. I used to do it all the time. I know that game very well. If she says she doesn't want to talk about it, don't bring it up. She'll come around and talk when she sees you won't play her game.

Don’t get me wrong I understand everybody has bad days including myself, but when I do I always apologize for my actions, knowing I had been a jerk. In contrast I could count on one hand the amount of times she has apologized to me in our 20 years of marriage.

Apologies work differently for some people. I was brought up in a home where nobody apologized. As it is, I got to a point where I was apologizing for EVERYTHING because I didn't really know what an apology was for. My husband on the other hand, rarely apologizes for anything because he was brought up that if you're going to make an apology, that requires a behavior change that you'll never take those actions again. Apologies for him are a really big deal; he doesn't take them lightly.

Is this a pride thing? Does she feel she has nothing to apologize for? To me it is a total lack of respect towards me.

No offense, but that's your problem. I doubt your wife completely disrespects you. Again, she may look at apologies differently than you.

Many times it is me who apologizes to her after she had pulled this just to smooth things over; I am not doing that tonight, still waiting.

STOP DOING THAT! Don't you see? It's a game. She WANTS you to pander to her and fawn over her. She gets attention from you that way. That's what she really wants.

 

[jazzbird]

Well, I wouldn't start from the premise that "it is so hard for a wife to say she is sorry." It's not a wife thing - it's a thing with your particular wife. My DH sometimes complains that I apologize excessively and when unnecessary.

When you say you've told her how you felt and she still doesn't apologize, do you mean you've told her how you felt about this issue? I was a little confused about whether you have told her how it makes you feel when she doesn't apologize, or whether she doesn't apologize when you explain to her that she has done something against you. If it is the latter, than maybe, like Island Breeze said, she just doesn't get the apology thing. But if you have told her that you feel hurt and disrespected because she never apologizes, than that is truly disrespectful. Does she have the need to be right and to have things done her way?

***********************
Another thing, on a totally different track - Island Breeze advised that you should leave your wife alone when she is in one of these moods when she doesn't want to talk. I'm not saying that is right or wrong, but this is how I see it from my relationship with my husband...........

It is true that she wants you to talk to her even when she says that she doesn't, but it's not necessarily a power thing - I think it reallly depends on the personality of your wife. I do this at times and it's always over an issue that has me feeling down, yet I'm afraid of hurting DH's feelings, or I don't want to cause a stir, or I think it's something trivial that I should just get over, but yet I can't because I feel the need for a catharsis (in the form of talking about the issue). I'm not saying that what I do is right - it's something I really don't like about myself and I'm trying to change it. If DH doesn't pursue me and let me know that he is interested in my feelings and in listening to me, I usually get frustrated and feel a bit resentful toward him. I know that is sooooo unfair to DH. I hate even saying that I can get that way. Anyway, when my DH treats me with such love and patience, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude toward him, especially because I have acted like such an idiot. If your wife struggles like me - and I'm not saying this is what's going on, but just trying to give you another perspective - maybe she doesn't apologize because she feels that since you didn't press the subject and draw her thoughts and feelings out, you somehow wronged her. I don't know if that makes sense. It may be that there is a bit of resentment because she feels that you didn't care enough to pursue her.

Definetely don't apologize just to smooth things over. She needs to take responsibility for her actions.

Anyway, that may not help at all, but I hope that you are able to work through this with her.

 

[Singin4Him]

Honestly I think you are being a bit prideful. No matter how much you think a person should appologize you shouldn't ever tell them that or act as if you feel that way. It is up to them whether they do so, not saying it's right or wrong but it is a choice they have to make. If you told her you thought she appologized and she did that would be cheap because she'd only be doing it for you not because she meant it.

Not only that but you said

In contrast I could count on one hand the amount of times she has apologized to me in our 20 years of marriage.

So if that is true then most likely you married her knowing she is this way. Shouldn't this be something you should have addressed a long time ago?
In my opinion is does not sound like you're wife is playing games as someone said earlier, it sounds more like she's just a little moody and doesn't know how to say she's sorry. I don't think she's begging you to talk to her at all, she is probably getting more annoyed the more you ask her if she's ok. I know this is true for me, if I'm not in a good mood and I just don't feel like talking about it if I'm asked over and over to talk about it I will get annoyed very quickly. So next time if she says she doesn't want to talk don't continue to press her to do so.

You're best bet here is to express your feelings to your wife in a very LOVING way. Don't tell her things like "I appologize but you don't." Don't compare you actions to hers, just merely express how it makes you feel when she acts this way but also listen to her and try to understand her side as well.

 

[GirlieGirl]

Are you asking why it's so hard for your wife to apologize for for all wives to apologize?

I don't know the answer to the former and the latter is a generalization.

 

[azheis]

Thank you all for your comments I have taken them all into consideration. Each person that has posted has added a little something for me to ponder.

I have spoken to her and it’s frustrating, because I think that she really doesn’t feel she is wrong, or has done wrong, so how do you deal with that. If I point out where I believe she is wrong she tries to turn it around…basically not accountable.

In speaking with her today I asked her “so when you don’t want to talk is it that you don’t want to talk or do you want me to ask you what is wrong”. You know the deal ladies, guys are always trying to fix things, so if she doesn’t want to talk I assume something is wrong …I want to fix, or just talk. The response I got was if she says she doesn’t want to talk she doesn’t want to talk…. don’t keep asking me what is going on. Then added, this usually takes place just before my period….great, well if she had a more regular period I could at least figure that into the equation, but it’s sporadic. She did state that if her response is the famous “nothing” then I could prod a bit to find out what nothing really means. So now it’s a matter of figuring out when yes means yes, and no means yes.

Thank you

azheis

 

[jazzbird]

The response I got was if she says she doesn’t want to talk she doesn’t want to talk…. don’t keep asking me what is going on. Then added, this usually takes place just before my period….great, well if she had a more regular period I could at least figure that into the equation, but it’s sporadic. She did state that if her response is the famous “nothing” then I could prod a bit to find out what nothing really means. So not it’s a matter of figuring out when yes means yes, and no means yes.

Well that is a good start. At least you know what she expects from you. As far as the PMS thing - I hate to say it, but that is something you may just have to deal with. I'm not saying that she should be excused from taking responsibility for how she treats you simply because her hormones are out of whack, but at the same time, the emotional swings as well as the physical symptoms that many women have to deal with prior to beginning a new cycle, are rough. Be understanding and pray for your wife. I know it is tough when we feel like we are putting more into the relationship, or we are treating our spouse better than they treat us, but we are called to love them no matter what. Maybe it would help to focus on all the ways you can love and serve her, rather than focusing on all her shortcomings. You can't fix her, but you can improve your relationship by throwing yourself into treating her as best as you can even when you might feel wronged.

 

[Jenna]

Yes, some wives are fine with admitting when they have stepped out of line and are acting poorly. Other people though can become very self-centered. I know that I used to be this way (probably still am sometimes), and I see it a lot in other women. If she is only dwelling on herself and her feelings, she may not realize what she is doing to you, or may just not really care. If she IS mad or frustrated over anything in particular, it can be a way to either get attention from you or to 'punish' you by cutting you off.

I will disagree with the statement that a person shouldn't look to another for apologies. Sometimes folks just won't know, or won't recognize, when they have wronged someone. If it was just something that man would just automatically know, God wouldn't have given us the Law to show us our sin. Many times, we have to know what we did, and how it affected those around us. If she knows that she has hurt you, but refuses to take any steps to ease the discord between you, then it *sounds* as though she is being selfish. Good communication skills are always great, even if you have something going on in your head that you know your spouse can't understand, or things like PMS. lol I just don't understand what is so hard about saying something like, "I'm sorry I'm being so moody. I'm uncomfortable and feeling out of sorts. Please be patient."

Hang in there. Prayer for patience. It could be very helpful to know the Scriptures very well that pertain to forgiveness and making ammends, for the next time that you have this kind of conversation. Since your wife is Christian, maybe this will help her to understand where you are coming from, so long as you don't speak to her in a self-righteous or belittling way.

 

[ChristyP4Christ]

I never have a problem telling my husband I am sorry, heck most of the time I find my self saying im sorry for things that I had nothing to do with, like if he is sick or has had a hard day at work I will say im so sorry hunny. Funny he always says why? its not your fault.
Maybe you should try a something diff. The next time she is in a mood say something like this. " I understand that you are not in the best of moods right now, but if and when you are ready I am here for you." Then give her a big hug and go about things as normal.
Women tend to get upset over things that has nothing at all to do with the spouse, heck I tend to get bent out of shape and don't even know why, but with a little time I am back to my old self. Also try asking her if she would like you to pray with her, that always gets me with my hubby =)

 

[desi]

Thank you all for your comments I have taken them all into consideration. Each person that has posted has added a little something for me to ponder.

I have spoken to her and it’s frustrating, because I think that she really doesn’t feel she is wrong, or has done wrong, so how do you deal with that. If I point out where I believe she is wrong she tries to turn it around…basically not accountable.

In speaking with her today I asked her “so when you don’t want to talk is it that you don’t want to talk or do you want me to ask you what is wrong”. You know the deal ladies, guys are always trying to fix things, so if she doesn’t want to talk I assume something is wrong …I want to fix, or just talk. The response I got was if she says she doesn’t want to talk she doesn’t want to talk…. don’t keep asking me what is going on. Then added, this usually takes place just before my period….great, well if she had a more regular period I could at least figure that into the equation, but it’s sporadic. She did state that if her response is the famous “nothing” then I could prod a bit to find out what nothing really means. So now it’s a matter of figuring out when yes means yes, and no means yes.

Thank you

azheis

It sounds like she wants to play games with you and you are playing. The next time she gets in one of her moods go out for a pint or two without playing 20 questions with her. Then come back and see what happens.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

It sounds like she wants to play games with you and you are playing. The next time she gets in one of her moods go out for a pint or two without playing 20 questions with her. Then come back and see what happens.

A Pint of what?

 

[Flipper]

I usually get in trouble for apologizing too much. However, I've been known to be stubborn and stand my ground on certain things that I think is right (whether or not it really is right), and usually, my way of doing that is by clamming up.

Further, women (including me at times) tend to think that men are mindreaders, and assume men know exactly what they are thinking, even to the point of knowing that they are sorry, so they don't feel they need to say it, or rather, they feel embarassed by saying it.

It's illogical and ridiculous, and the cause of more than a few fights in many marriages. Everyone is telling you to change your approach to her and that is probably the best way to go about it.