Why bother?

[swee]

How can I be a good Christian when I'm going through the motions and existing, instead of living? My depression is pretty bad atm, and if I'm honest, when it's not, it's just because I'm lying to myself and covering myself in the fantasy we call 'hope' of things having the potential to get better. Life is one big test, in every area, and I just don't see the point.

I will not commit suicide (a) because if God doesn't forgive it, then I'm just going to be punished all over again, and (b) because, quite frankly, I can't afford the funeral costs and haven't arranged a will. Every day, I ask God to ease my burden, and yet more is piled on. I am ridiculed and exiled from society, and I now realise there was no place for me in it in the first place. I am a soul trapped in this shell. What is God trying to teach me by putting me in this body and circumstances? And why am I judged by Him as sinning, because I can't just suck it up? Why do the people who behave the worst to others get blessed by 'their' father, and mine rebukes me? I am an island and I am done. Why doesn't God just take me as I ask? I am DONE. Every day I wake up and feel the burden of another day.

I wish the doctor would up my meds so that I don't feel anything at all, but it's unlikely she will. What good is feeling, when it is anguish, anger and despair? I have no friends any more, because they all betrayed me, I've never been in love, miscarried any children I might have had (I guess that was punishment for having sex), and have no job prospects, money, or worthwhile goals. I am ridiculed in the street (or anywhere else I go) for my looks, and I have no money to change them (not that I can change my height).

I do not bear my persecutors and betrayers ill will, but I cannot be untouched by the things they do. And because I can't fulfil the 'forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us' line, again, I am to be punished. It doesn't matter what happens to us, it's always our fault. Why is that? I look for Scriptural advice, and everything tells me to 'SUCK IT UP'. God allowed Satan to put Job through the wringer, same with Jonah. Maybe Jonah was depressed? Doesn't matter, he was just told to suck it up. Everything in the Bible tells me not to question God, that I am sinning for questioning His plan, that if I don't forgive others, I'm a sinner, that if I am not happy to be alive, I'm a sinner. If I choose to end my life, I'm going to Hell. But if I live a life of misery and emotional pain, like some freak of nature, that's okay. I am trapped on this prison planet, with no parole.

There is no reason for me to be here. I just don't see the point of biological existence without LIVING.

Sorry, just needed to vent.

 

[ForeverHopeful]

Hello swee, I am sorry you are feeling so badly. After reading your post I thought of an article that might help you so I am sharing it with you here. May God bless you with a renewed, right Spirit so that your prayers can be answered.

Keep On Keeping On!
by Joyce Meyer
Various thoughts run through our minds every day—some good, some bad. Our natural temptation is to focus on the bad, so accepting them doesn’t take any effort. The effort comes in being determined to cast down the negative thoughts and take a firm grasp of the positive ones.

Positive minds full of faith and hope produce positive lives. The opposite is also true—negative minds full of fear and doubt produce negative lives, which can ultimately destroy your life. Some people have been hurt so many times that they don’t think they can face the pain of another letdown. Therefore, they refuse to hope so they won't be disappointed.

Battles are fought in our minds every day. When we begin to feel the battle is just too difficult and want to give up, we must choose to resist negative thoughts and be determined to rise above our problems. We must decide that we’re not going to quit. When we’re bombarded with doubts and fears, we must take a stand and say: "I’ll never give up! God’s on my side. He loves me, and He’s helping me! I’m going to make it!"

No matter how bad the battle rages in your mind, don't give up! Step out and regain the territory that’s been stolen from you. Even if it’s only an inch at a time, make sure you’re leaning on God's grace and not on your own ability. In Galatians 6:9 the apostle Paul simply encourages us to keep on keeping on! Don't be a quitter! Don't have that old "give up" spirit. God’s looking for people who will find the courage to rise above all the negative and pursue the positive.

Whatever you may be facing or experiencing in your life right now, I want to encourage you to stay positive and refuse to give up! God is with you, and He’ll help you make spiritual progress—strengthening and encouraging you to keep on keeping on during rough times. It's easy to quit, but it takes faith to press on to victory.

When the battle seems endless and you think you'll never make it, remember that you’re reprogramming a "worldly" mind to think as God thinks. In the same way that computers are programmed, our minds are programmed. From the time we’re born, our minds are like computers that have had a lifetime of garbage programmed into them. But God, who’s the best "computer programmer" around, is working on us every day to reprogram our minds as we cooperate with Him (see Romans 12:2).

This process of reprogramming or renewing our minds will take place little by little, so don't be discouraged if progress seems slow. Don't get down when you have setbacks or bad days. Just get back up, dust yourself off and start again. When a baby is learning to walk, he falls many, many times before he develops the ability to walk without falling; however, the baby is persistent. He may cry for a while after he falls down, but he always gets right back up and tries again.

Learning to change our thinking works the same way. There will be days when we don't do everything right—days when our thinking is negative. But never stop trying. God is gradually bringing us around to His way of thinking. Just don't give up!

 

[plumsink]

Hi Swee:

First, although I know my words aren't much help, I think I know how you feel. Second, just because you feel good doesn't mean you are going to heaven, and just because you feel bad doesn't mean you are going to hell. Jesus said that the ones who get their rewards in this world don't get them in the next. The story of the Rich Man and Lazarus. To me, to be rich pretty and successful is almost a guarantee that you are not going anywhere spiritually. Suffering is the lathe which God uses to fashion us.

You can't suck it up after awhile. That is like telling the Vietnam soldier who has been psychologically damaged by war to suck it up and go back out there. You don't need to suck it up, you need to find people who will help you.

Peace Swee, I will say a prayer for you.

 

[Criada]

First of all, I just wanted to give you a hug.
I am so sorry that you are in such pain, sweetie.

Then... the part I bolded in your post... dear one, that is simply not the truth.
God loves you, whatever you do, it's unconditional and for ever. You don't have to be happy and unquestioning all the time. Look at Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane.. he cried and begged God to change things... and God didn't stop loving him!!
He is big enough to take our questions, sweetie, and he understands the hurt or broken lives. It's ok to shout at him, to tell him how you feel.. he knows anyway!

If you have time, please watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1F8R7dFbWMg&NR=1


It might make you think a little bit differently about God...

If you need someone to talk to, please PM me anytime. I'm in Britain, so the time difference isn't a problem if you want to chat.

 

[rachel22]

a lot of what u said was resonating with me cuz i get similar feelings sometimes (sometimes i cope better than others....currently in the dumps).....i agree with plum, sometimes the well-off people here on earth will end up being saved i am sure but i think for the most part thats not the case because i think for the most part their money/fame/good looks/ success, whatever it is, stifles them spiritually and turns their focus inward (selfishness) rather than outward (unselfishness). personally i love the story of lazarus and the rich man and i feel the Lord brought me to that just the other day when i was feeling down over life.....its like the Lord was saying you might be poor (for me not so much money-wise but poor as far as being poor in the "good things" of this world, like health for example) but that in the end God will bless me and punish the "rich man" (those wicked people i envied here on earth for having the things i lack). so i am a deeply impatient person i always want my loved ones and i go to heaven *today* and i am very vocal about that with the Lord cuz life gets so depressing but i think the Lord emphasizes patience to me. being patient until he is ready to bring us there.
i have been so upset in my life because i have been bullied badly in my school years (i was one of those people at the bottom of the social heap).....and many people have been downright cruel to me and my loved ones and this honestly makes me outraged.....and i watch as the bullies go unpunished. i see that mean people often have the good looks and the relationships and the money (etcetera). another thing i cant bear is to see the cruelties people inflict on animals...so cruel. so altho i am not good at this i have to work on handing it over to God, i often ask God for justice....and i have to work on leaving it with him. in my case i have learned that God works slowly, trying my patience. but the key for me is that *someday*, its gonna be made right someday.
another key is to realize that lots of people out there are in similar situations that you find yourself in. i have gotten ridiculed for my looks so many times, ive never had a relationship, lost my health and cant work, every day is a trial. for many people (and animals too) every day is a trial. the last thing i will say because i realize i am going on and on....its just that i struggle w/ these things too....but when i first started looking to become christian i was very gullible and some people suggest that christians are supposed to be soooo happy.....happy, happy, happy......and how real christians dont get depressed. this philosophy really damaged me as i was hurting horribly and had to try to put on a plastic smile all the time, thinking i wasnt a real christian if i didnt. i think clearly, from the Bible, many christians have tears a lot. christians get depressed, as you can see from this forum. and that is ok....this is the devil's world (till the Lord comes) and it is full of pain. someday things will be reversed tho and the evil people will be the tormented ones.

 

[MotherHeart]

I can relate. Honestly I have battled depression myself it is a horrible experience! I have struggled with Suicide as well another terrifying concept of depression. You have voiced some of the same things I have felt at times in my own life.

I was abused from the time I was a baby in all aspects of abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, mental. At 4yrs I came to God believe it or not and devoted my life to him at that time. For me Faith was easy I was a child for one and also my parents did not show me love...God replaced that.

I have never hid my christianity nor tried to push it on others. I have been persecuted by non christians and christians alike. When I need to make a decision I do so by prayer and searching God's Word.

Everything has been taken from me except my life. I too can relate with Job. Some aspects have been replaced.

However I do know that God isn't against me, God isn't causing what I am going through most of it has been caused by other people sinning against me. Like Job I believe that Satan does what he can to attack and oft times (I believe) GOD uses it to build our character and will turn it for good to those who love him.

For instance in my current situation. I have always been a go getter and do my utmost to do what I need to do. I go above and beyond what is required so much so that I have overtaxed my body and spirit in doing so mainly because I allowed modern day pharasee's to twist God's word around and around for years causing me to question what I believed and if I was saved. The stress of this combined by all I was doing the last decade was too much for the human body and mind.

I am now experiencing tremendous pain throughout my body all the time, it is suspected that I suffer from fibroymyalgia I won't lie part of me is upset and saddened by this as I too feel at times I have been through enough! Haven't I proved time and time again that I will not curse you or deny you Lord?

God didn't cause it rather it was brought on my too much hardwork and stain and stress over the years everyone has a breaking point.

However, recently I feel God spoke about this syndrome. Because of my hard working ethics I do not often slow down and take me time or rest. Rest is essential. This debilitating pain makes it so I am forced to slow down and rest. Also I am the type who serves other naturally to me it is a joy to help others but never really on the receiving end (Not that I mind tis better to give than receive) Now I am forced to depend on my husband to allow him to pamper and take care of me to trust him to take care of things. Sad that it took this to slow me down. Yes it is no fun being in pain, but I am trying to focus on the positives of the good that has come from it.

I believe depression is quite literally an attack from the enemy using our own esteem issues and other people's harsh words that replay in our minds like a stuck record and we hear it again and again and again. It is hard to deal with I know depression for me is also a battle I have fought now for 3years. I am finally starting to come out of it but if I let it it can easily come back again.

I also believe depression often stems from abuse and when the body has endured too much a person can suffer all kinds of ailments and mental anguish because of it.

I have PTSD, anxiety disorder (basically for me due to abuse my fight or flight is messed up I was indoctrined to sumbit to all authority no matter what so I did yet it effects a person when abused by those authorities now instead of supreme trust my brain goes into a painic when threatened that panic for me is to run home where it is safe)

If you need to talk and vent I am more than willing.
My Prayers are with you as is my Spirit

~Blessings~

 

[miss-a]

Dear one,

The first thing that comes to mind when I read your post is that I have felt and lived the exact same thing. But God did bring me though it. It is over and will be for you too. Here are some lyrics from Chris Rice. I couldn't find a link with the actual song to listen to, but maybe you or someone else can. Meanwhile, drink this in, a message from your Father in Heaven:

GOOD NEWS by Chris Rice

Well you already know life ain’t easy
‘Cause you’ve had more than your share of hard times
Been so long since you heard the sweet music
Or seen the blue sky
Feels like nobody knows how you’re hurtin’
And you’ve gotten so tired of hidin’ your pain
And you’d give anything to lay down your burden
And just fly away
Oh, but don’t go flyin’ away
‘Cause I’ve got good news
It’s water for the thirsty
Comfort for the weary
Good news
I’ve got good news
There’s hope and peace and freedom
Jesus came to bring ‘em to you
And ain’t it about time
Ain’t it about time
Ain’t it about time for some good news
All those talk shows and war zones in the headlines
Well they can’t come close to your chaos inside
So you wanna find a way to leave behind your troubles
And get off this ride
‘Cause it seems like all you’ve been hearin’ is condemnation
And the last thing you need is more shame
Well even your preacher says the Lord is out to get you
But He ain’t that way
Oh no, the Lord, He ain’t that way
‘Cause I’ve got good news
It’s water for the thirsty
Comfort for the weary
Good news
I’ve got good news
There’s hope and peace and freedom
Jesus came to bring ‘em to you
And ain’t it about time
Ain’t it about time
Ain’t it about time for some good news


You are in a very rough and painful spot right now, but the Lord will bring you out of this. Just a few months ago the only thing that gave me any peace was the prospect of tucking my little cat in my coat and freezing to death with her in my car. My health was failing, money was a problem and all the people in my life seemed to busy to noitce I was on the verge of homelessness and seeing my car as the only option. That's how low I got. I was actually looking forward to it, because I didn't know God well enough or trust that He would make a way. This was partly due to a chemical deficiency, but also because I didn't know the truth. Humans weren't helping me, and I projected that onto God. But that's all over now. God made a way where there was no way, and I'm beginning to see what the Lord is up to in my life and looking forward to the fulfillment of His promises for my life here on earth, and your life here on earth, too, because you are right, it's not just about life in Heaven. God does have a good plan for our time here on earth, or it would not have made sense for Him to have us here. So that time is on the other end of what you are going through now. Beth Moore puts it this way, "The biggest thing in your life is one the other side of this trial. Hang on!"

But how do we hang on in times this tough? In in the Lord and the power of His might. Cry out to Him, and keep crying out to Him with the honesty that you've cried out here. And keep crying out here, because He will use folks on this forum to speak to you.

The second thing is that whoever discipled you, attempted to teach you in the faith, did not know the Lord very well, and as a result you have been given an inaccurate view of Him. The Bible is clear "God is for you, not against you." "God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved." These are the sorts of truths you need to become real to you. So first of all, it could be a good thing that you aren't around many people right now, because most people fail to understand the truth of who God is, and you don't need more skewed views of Him to deal with. It also gives you time to get with folks who do know Him well. Here are some resouces to get you started:

First, I just found these folks and did a brief chat with them to make sure they were scripturally sound. A good general resource that even offers chats with biblical coaches : Groundwire Spiritual Response Coaching & Resources With Sean Dunn
It would be great for you to have an online chat with these folks. We here would love to chat with you, but this format isn't as easily chat friendly. Please contact us all you want, but to have a real chat, a Groundwire coach can answer your questions right on the spot.

Great teaching: www.lifetoday.org/beth just click "Watch Beth" and then select from dozens of topics

www.intouch.org click on small print just above the online screen that says "Archives". It will load up scroll down to find many topics and click on the small screens to the right

And here are some Christian music resources. Many of these artists IMO are the prophets of our day and offer much truth about the heart of God. So it's good to listen to this often, when your driving or home doing laundry or just lying on your bed:
105.7 Solution FM
www.klove.com
Radio Online

Music and teaching: www.kwve.org

The good news is erasing all those things that have been burdening you replacing them with healing and purpose are on the top of Jesus' to-do list. He's knocking on the door to do it. Open the door by putting aside the old belief that God won't help you with the truth that He is healing you, even if you can't feel it right now, and take some of the steps advised on this forum.

Praying for you! Blessings, A

 

[LadyL]

However I do know that God isn't against me, God isn't causing what I am going through most of it has been caused by other people sinning against me. Like Job I believe that Satan does what he can to attack and oft times (I believe) GOD uses it to build our character and will turn it for good to those who love him.

For instance in my current situation. I have always been a go getter and do my utmost to do what I need to do. I go above and beyond what is required so much so that I have overtaxed my body and spirit in doing so mainly because I allowed modern day pharasee's to twist God's word around and around for years causing me to question what I believed and if I was saved. The stress of this combined by all I was doing the last decade was too much for the human body and mind.


I believe depression is quite literally an attack from the enemy using our own esteem issues and other people's harsh words that replay in our minds like a stuck record and we hear it again and again and again. It is hard to deal with I know depression for me is also a battle I have fought now for 3years. I am finally starting to come out of it but if I let it it can easily come back again.

I also believe depression often stems from abuse and when the body has endured too much a person can suffer all kinds of ailments and mental anguish because of it.

I have PTSD, anxiety disorder (basically for me due to abuse my fight or flight is messed up I was indoctrined to sumbit to all authority no matter what so I did yet it effects a person when abused by those authorities now instead of supreme trust my brain goes into a painic when threatened that panic for me is to run home where it is safe)

If you need to talk and vent I am more than willing.
My Prayers are with you as is my Spirit

~Blessings~

to you and Swee. God is not punishing us.

I am with MotherHeart, He loves us, this is an attack. There are some medical things going on here, but also spiritual attacks.

The devil is here to steal, kill and destroy and any way he can get us Christ lovers/followers knocked down, he will do it.

I am battling depression right now, which was brought on from the loss of a job- but God blessed me with a wonderful job. Still, the harrassments and stress I had from my last job caused my body's system to react in a negative way.

Why bother? Sister, because God is still with us, throughout everything. I will NOT let the enemy win and I will NOT let him steal my joy.

Joy is meantioned so many times in the Word. We just have to learn to rest in God and rest on Him. He will establish us, sis.

I may be spiritually weak right now, but I am NOT gonna quit on God. I am not gonna quit on life and I am NOT gonna quit on myself and living. I'm gonna be praying for you, swee.

 

[aflower4God]

Hi there my dear sweet sister, Reading this really breaks my heart and brings me to tears. Cause you sound so much like me. Barely any friends off line, I have been so betrade by so many people lately even my own mother and father. I have never been in love I do not have a job either. I have lost so much in one year as well, but dear sweet sister, I can tell you the ONE THING that you will NEVER LOSE, that is JESUS CHRIST, Sister I have SO MANY stories to tell you how Jesus has brought SO MUCH to me when it seemed that the world has turned their back on me and that is including my only and best friend who I felt, turned on me for an obsession over an actor, that has become her life. I have so many wounds like you do my dear sweet sister. BUT KNOW that JEsus Christ will NOT give up on you. Just pray go to a private and QUIET place and pray, if you open your heart you will hear him and feel him all around you. It works cause I did this on New Years Eve and I felt his looking right at me and he was all around me, I felt his power. You are such a joy and treasure to God and us all here. I HOPE that you stay here on CF cause sister you will find so many loving people here that will be your friend and help you out so much. PLEASE KEEP COMING BACK and WELCOME. I will be praying for you and LOTS OF LOVE to you my dear sweet sister! Remember JESUS WILL NEVER REJECT YOU!!!!!!

I wish the doctor would up my meds so that I don't feel anything at all, but it's unlikely she will. What good is feeling, when it is anguish, anger and despair? I have no friends any more, because they all betrayed me, I've never been in love, miscarried any children I might have had (I guess that was punishment for having sex), and have no job prospects, money, or worthwhile goals. I am ridiculed in the street (or anywhere else I go) for my looks, and I have no money to change them (not that I can change my height).
There is no reason for me to be here. I just don't see the point of biological existence without LIVING.
Sorry, just needed to vent.

 

[Criada]

How are you doing, sweetie?
Thinking of you

 

[swee]

Wow, thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers, and sharing your experiences with me here; it's much appreciated and means a lot to know I'm not alone, although I hate to think you guys are in pain, too.

I've pretty much been in bed since flipping my lid the other night and my doc has doubled my meds, which I wanted. Just have to deal with the Department for Work & Pensions as they are demanding I come for assessment, and my social anxiety is pretty much through the roof atm. So I sent them a garbled statement, saying they are welcome (they're not really) to conduct a home visit, but I am not putting myself in a worse mental and emotional state by going to the office. Last time I wasn't working and felt this bad, they cut my benefits as I was apparently 'fit for work' and made out I was throwing a pity party.

I know my mind and I know pushing myself into situations that make my anxiety soar make me ten times worse. I'm getting palpitations just typing about it.

Anyhoo, thank you so much, and I'm going to read the rest of the thread now.

God bless x

 

[MotherHeart]

It is always nice to know you are not alone; although none of us want anyone else to be in pain, it helps to have empathy. Support is cruicial to all of us and I think sometimes when it gets this dark and we feel like we are in a miry pit we feel soooo alone, misunderstood and ready to quit. Support and understanding goes a long way in our mental health (physical health too for that matter!

Just have to deal with the Department for Work & Pensions as they are demanding I come for assessment, and my social anxiety is pretty much through the roof atm. So I sent them a garbled statement, saying they are welcome (they're not really) to conduct a home visit, but I am not putting myself in a worse mental and emotional state by going to the office. Last time I wasn't working and felt this bad, they cut my benefits as I was apparently 'fit for work' and made out I was throwing a pity party.

I know my mind and I know pushing myself into situations that make my anxiety soar make me ten times worse. I'm getting palpitations just typing about it.

I can totally relate to this as well can't get assistance because I am so smart they feel I am fit to work; However, everytime I start working my anxiety goes through the roof and I begin to have more issues and it affects my life drastically. Have a few groups I am working with right now as well that feel if I can't work I must not be well! I can handle housework, kids, family and everyday life just fine until I add more stress of a job! I too am unwilling to put my health at risk. Finally got a decent doc that is going to do a sleep study and PT for possible fibromyalgia.

Have a wonderful week!

~Blessings~

 

[Miss Elly]

Am praying for you, for blessings to come your way. Jesus has said I will never leave you or forsake you. He has said, I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you. Read the promises of God and think on them. They will give satan a panic attack.

 

[swee]

Am praying for you, for blessings to come your way. Jesus has said I will never leave you or forsake you. He has said, I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you. Read the promises of God and think on them. They will give satan a panic attack.

I read my Bible, but every time I open it, it's a passage about God raining torment on Israel, punishing people, misfortunes being deserved. It sometimes reads like it's our own fault we are in negative circumstances, but I know it isn't, because He made me like this. I didn't create myself. I also find it hard to absorb the Word, because stuff like 'love' and 'family' and 'father' etc; it's all just words words words to me. And I have so many unresolved issues with my earthly father (who has always been absent; I met him twice as an adult), that to say God is my Father is meaningless to me. When I first became a Christian, I used to go along with it all, hoping that pretending would become true - like that expression about faking being happy and you'll become happy - but it didn't work. Don't get me wrong, I'm not miserable 24/7 (and I think the pills are helping me be calmer), but I mean on a deeper level.

I know there's obviously some connection between me and my Creator, otherwise I would just be a heathen, but if God is Love and Love is just a four letter word, how do I move closer to Him? Especially when I've learned it's better/and I prefer to live apart from everyone. Bleh, it's all so annoying. And I'm tired of my posts being edited, too.

 

[miss-a]

Hi Swee,

Well, I hear what you're saying. The first thing that would be good to do is not just open your Bible and start reading just anywhere. Many pastors and very mature Christians I know advise against this for the same reason as what you describe. Who wants to read about God having to rain fire and brimstone on Sodom, when their hurting and need comfort. We need to take the Scripture in context and when it comes to the Old Testament that can mean reading chapter after chapter and sometimes a whole book to get the context, which is always love. But that doesn't always show when reading a few verses here and there in these complex OT books of the Bible.

It would be better to start with the Gospels and then move into Romans and Paul's other letters, and some Psalms. Also here's a link with a great testimony from a woman who was delivered from anxiety and depression that includes dozens of wonderful Scriptures that will comfort you and begin healing you and help you to get a true picture of your loving, wonderful God. I wouldn't recommend reading the super complex OT books until you feel better. The link: Redeemed and Summoned by Name: Bible Verses for Panic, Depression, Anxiety

Also, about the Father and family issue. If the word Father gets in the way right now, you don't have to use it. Just think of Him as the greatest definition of everything good you would want God to be. And then know He is more than that. That's Who your dealing with. That's who is enthralled with you. That's who is healing you. Rest in that your confusion about Who He is has occurred in part because He is so much more, so much better than we can imagine. And humans can't begin to compare. Boy do we know that.

I'm sorry you came from a yukky family. So did I. But the good news is I'm for the most part over it, over them, moving on in Him because of Him. He'll do that for you too. Rest in that. It just takes time and a willing heart. And I know you are willing or you wouldn't be here asking questions.

Sorry you've got to deal with all the red tape stuff. It must be frustrating. But "Listen O Daughter, consider and incline your ear. Forget your own people also, and your father's house; the King is enthralled with your beauty" (Psalm 45:10-11). And that's just the way it is. He thinks you're beautiful inside and out. He's so glad He made you, and He knows the plans He has for you that are so good. And He knows you don't understand Him, but He's okay with that. He understands you and is bringing you to a place of greater understanding, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Praying for you, dear one. Blessings, A

 

[swee]

Hi Swee,

Well, I hear what you're saying. The first thing that would be good to do is not just open your Bible and start reading just anywhere. Many pastors and very mature Christians I know advise against this for the same reason as what you describe. Who wants to read about God having to rain fire and brimstone on Sodom, when their hurting and need comfort. We need to take the Scripture in context and when it comes to the Old Testament that can mean reading chapter after chapter and sometimes a whole book to get the context, which is always love. But that doesn't always show when reading a few verses here and there in these complex OT books of the Bible.

It would be better to start with the Gospels and then move into Romans and Paul's other letters, and some Psalms. Also here's a link with a great testimony from a woman who was delivered from anxiety and depression that includes dozens of wonderful Scriptures that will comfort you and begin healing you and help you to get a true picture of your loving, wonderful God. I wouldn't recommend reading the super complex OT books until you feel better. The link: Redeemed and Summoned by Name: Bible Verses for Panic, Depression, Anxiety

Also, about the Father and family issue. If the word Father gets in the way right now, you don't have to use it. Just think of Him as the greatest definition of everything good you would want God to be. And then know He is more than that. That's Who your dealing with. That's who is enthralled with you. That's who is healing you. Rest in that your confusion about Who He is has occurred in part because He is so much more, so much better than we can imagine. And humans can't begin to compare. Boy do we know that.

I'm sorry you came from a yukky family. So did I. But the good news is I'm for the most part over it, over them, moving on in Him because of Him. He'll do that for you too. Rest in that. It just takes time and a willing heart. And I know you are willing or you wouldn't be here asking questions.

Sorry you've got to deal with all the red tape stuff. It must be frustrating. But "Listen O Daughter, consider and incline your ear. Forget your own people also, and your father's house; the King is enthralled with your beauty" (Psalm 45:10-11). And that's just the way it is. He thinks you're beautiful inside and out. He's so glad He made you, and He knows the plans He has for you that are so good. And He knows you don't understand Him, but He's okay with that. He understands you and is bringing you to a place of greater understanding, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Praying for you, dear one. Blessings, A

Blessings for you too. I'm crashing for the night but shall check out your link tomorrow. Thank you for posting x

 

[rachel22]

hi swee.....i just wanted to say i can relate to some of the things you said there about finding all these scary/sad things in the bible and about father issues. i was trying to go in order with my bible readings but i found that a lot of times i am looking for some comfort so i find myself gravitating toward the psalms, isaiah, new testament, job also (job touches a lot on suffering of course). i was trying to read the old testament through but that wasn't working so great for me so i just started "jumping around" looking for verses that would relate to my circumstances or what i am feeling. dont take that as "advise" cuz i dont know whats right for you....just saying i can relate to what you're saying there about bible readings. as for the father thing.....my dad and i have not had the kind of relationship that i would want (but lifes not over yet so maybe someday, i pray so), he is not an "abusive" type, he is what i would call a "critical, controlling" type. so i get on eggshells around him sometimes. sometimes i will find myself asking myself if he loves me, but i know that, yes he loves me and i love him. it doesnt always show but it is there inside of us. and its not like i'd ever want somebody else to be my dad. so i guess thinking of God as a "father" can be kind of confusing if you havent had the best relationship with your father. i find myself thinking of God i guess more as a "friend" than as a "father".......even tho it does talk about God as a father in the bible (like "father of heavenly lights" james 1:17).....because i guess our circumstances and our upbringings can affect the way we process things....but i think the key to remember is God is a spiritual being, a spiritual father if you will, not a human being with all our faults. earthly fathers are not perfect just like no one is perfect but God being a spiritual holy being is not going to have those imperfections.

 

[Criada]

I find the psalms very comforting.. David was often depressed, felt abandoned and alone, and yet he managed to hold on to God and continue to praise him through it all.

 

[swee]

I find the psalms very comforting.. David was often depressed, felt abandoned and alone, and yet he managed to hold on to God and continue to praise him through it all.

I'll read some tonight.

Past few days have been gnarly. I ventured out to work last night for the first time in a couple of months and overheard the regular debates about what kind of species I am. I'm sick of people. I may not be a girly-girl but I've seen plenty of women who are more masculine-looking than I am. I need to get a job where I don't have to deal with people, In fact, I'd be happy never seeing another person for the rest of my life. The internet enables me to stay in touch with like-minded people and doesn't judge me on the way I look. Everything in society judges us on our appearance, and any ties we have to others (partners, children etc) is only reserved for those who fit into an acceptable range. I feel bad for my mum that she didn't have a pretty daughter; she has two strapping sons, she doesn't need a third. To be constantly reminded by strangers every single day I'm in public company that I am, in their eyes, a freak is exhausting.