Why are some Christians desiring to stay single?

[ThisIsMe123]

From some of the posts here, I find this to be unusual...at least for Christians as not desiring marriage is more of a secular practice. The latter where they just find a boyfriend or girlfriend to live with for the long term pretty much.

Isn't the desire to get married a Christian thing? To "go forth and prosper"?

Of course, some admit to remaining single from the here on out, but I wonder if they are just telling themselves this to help them feel better? I know I'm guilty it. When I reach a point where I'm like "I'm done with dating!, I give up!" but a few months later, I'm back at it again, putting myself out there to find someone in my social circles.

I dunno, it just seems like you're going against human nature to couple up.

Of course we can copy/paste the contrarian Biblical arguements for the "It's not good for a man to be alone" with other such things.

 

[trophy33]

Disadvantages of being single are lesser and smaller than of being in a bad relationship or of jumping from a relationship to relationship while looking for a good one.

I think it boils down to this, in the end.

 

[TheLastGeek]

From some of the posts here, I find this to be unusual...at least for Christians as not desiring marriage is more of a secular practice. The latter where they just find a boyfriend or girlfriend to live with for the long term pretty much.

Isn't the desire to get married a Christian thing? To "go forth and prosper"?

Of course, some admit to remaining single from the here on out, but I wonder if they are just telling themselves this to help them feel better? I know I'm guilty it. When I reach a point where I'm like "I'm done with dating!, I give up!" but a few months later, I'm back at it again, putting myself out there to find someone in my social circles.

I dunno, it just seems like you're going against human nature to couple up.

Of course we can copy/paste the contrarian Biblical arguements for the "It's not good for a man to be alone" with other such thing

I don't know a lot of Christians who are cohabitating with boyfriends/girlfriends. Do you?

I don't know many Christians in real life who don't want to be married, or aren't married.

Honestly, the only "single for life and happy about it" people I ever encounter are the few here on CF who've stated such.

 

[High Fidelity]

I think there are definitely benefits to being married, but I've grown to learn over the years that I am just terrible at reading the intentions or feelings of others, I seldom know where I stand and often just feel like a nuisance, so even if I like someone I tend to hold back because I feel like a pest.

Ironically it's being self-aware of my lack of awareness in that regard. So I think it's just for the best.

I don't wallow in it, though. There are benefits to being single, too.

 

[public hermit]

I was in relationships over the years so my decision to not be in one has come later in life. For many years I felt I was missing out on something when I was not in a relationship. So, I was always looking and pining away. Lol. The last relationship I was in about ten years ago was not good, and for the first time, I began to really question why I felt the need to be in one. When that relationship ended, I took seriously the idea of remaining single, and it has become very comfortable for me. Oddly, perhaps, my two closest friends are women so I definitely enjoy the companionship of a woman in terms of friendship. I just don't need or want a romantic relationship.

What I have learned, and what probably keeps me single at this point, is that it is so much easier than being in a relationship. Lol. It is so much easier. Relationships are work, and they take sacrifice. That can all be a wonderful thing in the context of a committed relationship, but it is complicated. In some ways, being single fits my way of living and doing things. I don't know if being single and content would have worked for me when I was younger. But then again, I never took being single seriously as an option then. In my mind, I was never really single back then. I was more in between relationships.

I wonder if that's part of why we're seeing more Christians opt for being single. In some ways, it feels like more of a live option than it did before. Maybe Christians are seeing the single life as more acceptable and not just for monastics? I think the pressure to marry has always been strong with Christians, maybe that's changing?

 

[.Mikha'el.]

For me, it's not about singleness for its own sake. I would love a relationship if the right one came along. Right now I am just hyper focused on finding a better job that I can be happy with. I just don't feel like part-time grocery work is much of a foundation for long-term romance.

 

[DragonFox91]

Yes, I believe a lot of people here who don’t want to get married are just frustrated they’re not married & so are so accepting gloom rather than earnestly asking God. They may pretend otherwise. I'm sure there are those who do earnestly have no interest in marriage, I do know people like that.

Yes, the pagan world is definitely not getting married but still living together. I believe this is skewing the ‘not married’ numbers -> the marriage numbers are down b/c couples are co-inhabiting. It doesn’t mean people aren’t interested in relationships, they just don’t see a benefit in getting married, or, which is the real truth, they are selfish & want an easy escape when it gets hard someday in their near future.

On marriage being a ‘Christian’ thing & the Biblical perspective: Both Jesus & Paul say if you have the desire for the opposite sex, you should pursue marriage. Not co-inhabitant. Not ‘benefits’. Not date to date b/c it's 'cool' or you want to experience romantic love. Not you should stay single & not like it. Pursue marriage. Chase after it!

On ‘Go forth & prosper’ – I believe a healthy married couple who is fully capable of raising children but chooses not to is ultimately living selfishly. (the pagan world tries to twist it the other way, where it's the parents who are selfish) But then they are married solely for what they can get out of it. ‘Go forth & prosper’ isn’t a reason you should get married, it’s what you should do when you are.

 

[trophy33]

the marriage numbers are down b/c couples are co-inhabiting. It doesn’t mean people aren’t interested in relationships

Nope. People are not interested in relationships, actually:

A new survey reveals that half of single people are not interested in having a romantic relationship or even going on a date.

Half of All Single People Just Don’t Want a Relationship

2020 survey results, same as 2005: At least half of single people are uninterested in a serious romantic relationship. They like being single and have more important priorities.

www.psychologytoday.com

 

[timewerx]

I very little attraction among married couples even among married Christians. Most of them gets trapped in a prison of worldliness.

Then they bend the Bible into their worldly version of Christianity.

The wonders and the mysteries of the Kingdom of God is dead to them. The thing everyone is starved of, they don't have it.

 

[Niels]

From some of the posts here, I find this to be unusual...at least for Christians as not desiring marriage is more of a secular practice. The latter where they just find a boyfriend or girlfriend to live with for the long term pretty much.

Isn't the desire to get married a Christian thing? To "go forth and prosper"?

Of course, some admit to remaining single from the here on out, but I wonder if they are just telling themselves this to help them feel better? I know I'm guilty it. When I reach a point where I'm like "I'm done with dating!, I give up!" but a few months later, I'm back at it again, putting myself out there to find someone in my social circles.

I dunno, it just seems like you're going against human nature to couple up.

Of course we can copy/paste the contrarian Biblical arguements for the "It's not good for a man to be alone" with other such things.

Most people like to be in romantic relationships. It is human nature like you said. The desire to pair up, whether officially married or living together, is arguably a secular thing. Or at least a desire that exists independently of one's spiritual beliefs.

With that being said, at the risk of sounding controversial, Christians are only directly called to marry if they lack self-control. As it's "better to marry than to burn" with passion. Which isn't to say that marriage necessarily indicates a lack of self-control. Rather, those who have self-control aren't compelled to marry. We are to have other priorities.

If I meet a woman with whom the mutual desire is uncontrollable, then we will marry. If I don't meet somebody like that, I'm under no compulsion to marry. Sure, it might take a year or two to see how well we get along in other ways before tying the knot. Plus, it can be nice to have a girlfriend. I don't think it's wrong to date, as it can take a while to get to know each other, but I don't see wisdom in simply dating or marrying for the sake of not being single.

Although celibacy is sometimes valued outside of a spiritual context, it is more often valued among the faithful. Church history is full of movements and individuals who valued celibacy. Christianity provides an antidote or alternative to worldly practices.

Ultimately, we're followers of Christ. Not a pagan fertility cult.

 

[Plenipotent]

I can't answer this from a personal standpoint, and from a prospective standpoint I could write a novel...

So I'll try and cut my thoughts down. In my view, your assessment is both accurate and inaccurate. Some individuals are deceiving themselves and others regarding their emotions and desires, while others are being sincere for various reasons. I believe that most people don't genuinely desire to be alone, rather, they prioritize avoiding struggle, heartbreak, and hardship over not wanting to be alone.

It's like... "Do I want to go up this mountain with someone, or do I want to go up it alone?"

On one hand, you could have an amazing climb, even if it's difficult, filled with great stories and experience the wonderfulness of someone whose going to make sure your piton is always secure and discover the beauty of not having to climb a mountain alone even though it comes with it's own challenges of making sure that other persons piton is secure as well. You absolutely could. But you could also end up climbing with someone whose going to rip your piton out of the mountain face and watch you plummet because they don't like the way you ate your cheese yesterday.

The amount of work it takes to avoid finding someone whose going to hate the way you eat your cheese enough to sacrifice you to gravity is far less appealing then just climbing a mountain alone right off the bat, I think, for most people. And if you've attempted to climb a mountain with people multiple times with the hope of finding that good experience and keep getting your piton ripped out, going alone sounds even more appealing.

I think most people would love a good climbing partner, but I think it's the work of finding that partner that causes people to go 'naaah... I'm just going to do this by myself.'

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Most people like to be in romantic relationships. It is human nature like you said. The desire to pair up, whether officially married or living together, is arguably a secular thing. Or at least a desire that exists independently of one's spiritual beliefs.

With that being said, at the risk of sounding controversial, Christians are only directly called to marry if they lack self-control. As it's "better to marry than to burn" with passion. Which isn't to say that marriage necessarily indicates a lack of self-control. Rather, those who have self-control aren't compelled to marry. We are to have other priorities.

If I meet a woman with whom the mutual desire is uncontrollable, then we will marry. If I don't meet somebody like that, I'm under no compulsion to marry. Sure, it might take a year or two to see how well we get along in other ways before tying the knot. Plus, it can be nice to have a girlfriend. I don't think it's wrong to date, as it can take a while to get to know each other, but I don't see wisdom in simply dating or marrying for the sake of not being single.

Although celibacy is sometimes valued outside of a spiritual context, it is more often valued among the faithful. Church history is full of movements and individuals who valued celibacy. Christianity provides an antidote or alternative to worldly practices.

Ultimately, we're followers of Christ. Not a pagan fertility cult.

But would you say that the desire to marriage really exclusively has to do with the lack of self control though? There's more to it than just that.
Edit: I think I may have read the "burn with passion" reference you mentioned. Not that they lack self control, but I found it odd how the Bible put this.

I read it as, "Get married as soon as you can, if you burn with passion!" Which leads you to marry for the wrong reason. Never understood it which makes me questions certain...scenario, anecdotal situations written in the Bible.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Nope. People are not interested in relationships, actually:

A new survey reveals that half of single people are not interested in having a romantic relationship or even going on a date.

Half of All Single People Just Don’t Want a Relationship

2020 survey results, same as 2005: At least half of single people are uninterested in a serious romantic relationship. They like being single and have more important priorities.

www.psychologytoday.com

Yeah, this too...which odd.

I'd say in the 90s and early 2000s, people were not marrying, so they reached a happy medium or compromise of just co-habitating.

Fair enough, right? Not so much now because now later people are swearing off romantic relationships altogether. Not to be gender bashing, but it's mostly the woman that are opting out of dating.

Maybe I'm biased in all this because my dry spells between women are by several years or so.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I can't answer this from a personal standpoint, and from a prospective standpoint I could write a novel...

So I'll try and cut my thoughts down. In my view, your assessment is both accurate and inaccurate. Some individuals are deceiving themselves and others regarding their emotions and desires, while others are being sincere for various reasons. I believe that most people don't genuinely desire to be alone, rather, they prioritize avoiding struggle, heartbreak, and hardship over not wanting to be alone.

It's like... "Do I want to go up this mountain with someone, or do I want to go up it alone?"

On one hand, you could have an amazing climb, even if it's difficult, filled with great stories and experience the wonderfulness of someone whose going to make sure your piton is always secure and discover the beauty of not having to climb a mountain alone even though it comes with it's own challenges of making sure that other persons piton is secure as well. You absolutely could. But you could also end up climbing with someone whose going to rip your piton out of the mountain face and watch you plummet because they don't like the way you ate your cheese yesterday.

The amount of work it takes to avoid finding someone whose going to hate the way you eat your cheese enough to sacrifice you to gravity is far less appealing then just climbing a mountain alone right off the bat, I think, for most people. And if you've attempted to climb a mountain with people multiple times with the hope of finding that good experience and keep getting your piton ripped out, going alone sounds even more appealing.

I think most people would love a good climbing partner, but I think it's the work of finding that partner that causes people to go 'naaah... I'm just going to do this by myself.'

The italics, isn't that the glass half empty view of it all?

 

[trophy33]

Not to be gender bashing, but it's mostly the woman that are opting out of dating.

Regarding young people, its mostly men.

More than 60 percent of young men are single, nearly twice the rate of unattached young women

Most young men are single. Most young women are not.

More than 60 percent of young men are single, nearly twice the rate of unattached young women, signaling a larger breakdown in the social, romantic and sexual life of the American male. Men i…

thehill.com

 

[Plenipotent]

The italics, isn't that the glass half empty view of it all?

Sure is! But hey, it's how some people see things.

I read it as, "Get married as soon as you can, if you burn with passion!" Which leads you to marry for the wrong reason. Never understood it which makes me questions certain...scenario, anecdotal situations written in the Bible.

I read it this way as well when I firsr read it, but I haven't looked deep into that passage yet. I certainly understand what it's trying to convey in some aspects.

But I do know that lawful marriage, marriage certificates, were important biblically. I remember reading about how it was used as a defense for women, but I can't give specifics because I'm not 100% certain where I remember reading that from at the moment. I'll think on it.

 

[LoveDivine]

Yeah, this too...which odd.

I'd say in the 90s and early 2000s, people were not marrying, so they reached a happy medium or compromise of just co-habitating.

Fair enough, right? Not so much now because now later people are swearing off romantic relationships altogether. Not to be gender bashing, but it's mostly the woman that are opting out of dating.

Maybe I'm biased in all this because my dry spells between women are by several years or so.

I'm not sure that is true. Some women may be opting out and some may be telling the guys they aren't interested in that they aren't seeking a relationship lol.

 

[Tranquil Bondservant]

I read it this way as well when I firsr read it, but I haven't looked deep into that passage yet. I certainly understand what it's trying to convey in some aspects.

It's saying if you're unable to have self control and will go around committing sexual immorality you should commit yourself to a partner. That doesn't mean get married as an outlet for lust, but that you should commit to the fullness of marriage including the other Biblical reasons for it. So while self-control may be a factor it's not the only one but is part of many other factors. Part of which includes a deep loving relationship in unison with somebody which carries with it the benefit of self-sacrificially loving & serving someone for the rest of your life. The aforementioned reason should outrank lust by an immeasurable chasm. The preceding verses help with understanding the context a bit more.

"Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say by way of concession, not of command. Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I." -1 Corinthians 7:1–8

"But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." -1 Corinthians 7:9

 

[Niels]

But would you say that the desire to marriage really exclusively has to do with the lack of self control though? There's more to it than just that.
Edit: I think I may have read the "burn with passion" reference you mentioned. Not that they lack self control, but I found it odd how the Bible put this.

I read it as, "Get married as soon as you can, if you burn with passion!" Which leads you to marry for the wrong reason. Never understood it which makes me questions certain...scenario, anecdotal situations written in the Bible.

I wouldn't say that. There are lots of reasons to marry. Romance, companionship, cultural expectations, support networks, the desire to start a family, etc. There are also many reasons why it's better to remain single. Most of these reasons, both for and against, are similar across believers and non-believers alike.

The "better to marry than to burn" verse makes more sense to me within the context of an existing couple. So they can express their love in a constructive and enduring way. Not meant to encourage singles to rush things or pair up for the wrong reasons.

The takeaway for me is that the Bible doesn't mandate marriage unless the couple can't resist each other. Which isn't to say that it's wrong to marry for other reasons. It's just more nuanced and otherwise encourages believers to remain single.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Sure is! But hey, it's how some people see things.


I read it this way as well when I firsr read it

Thing is, it's no "first" with me, every time I read it, that's how I interpret it. Hasn't changed the many years I knew about this verse.
I thought it would encourage marriage out of true love/companionship of a wonderful person.

You'd think the Bible would say that.