Why am I so upset about this?

[gary2468]

Yesterday I turned 36 and once again got no intimacy/sex on my birthday - just the standard kiss good night. On my wife's birthday I try to do anything/everything I can to make her feel special.

Am I being unrealistic to expect what I enjoy most on my birthday?

 

[Christi]

I don't know you or your situation, but is sex already a problem?

 

[gary2468]

I don't know you or your situation, but is sex already a problem?

Yes. It used to be once a year and now is better at once a month.

 

[Christi]

Wow....I don't want to really comment, because I think there is so much more to this that I don't know. I'm guessing the problem is much more than you and your wife didn't have sex on your birthday? But you said it's better, what made it better?

 

[Bookman]

Yes, Christi, Gary has explained that he rarely gets intimacy from his wife. She says she's a Christian but apparently hasn't much interest in what the Bible says about the need for and the obligation to have relations with one's spouse (the Apostle Paul makes it clear that's true of BOTH sexes, not just the wife).

Gary, she really needs some counseling about this. It's obviously hurting your marriage and leaving you open to temptation big time. I think you should insist on counseling.If your pastor isn't qualified, find an experienced CHRISTIAN counselor to deal with this. If she won't go, then you go by yourself. I worry about your longterm future with a wife who isn't willing to express her love for you physically.

And of course, while waiting for some resolution, use this time to grow in the Lord. Pray for your wife daily. Not just about this issue, but about her whole life. As you pray for her, you'll find your love for her increasing. That can't hurt.

 

[Christi]

I agree with all that Bookman said. Sound advice. I'll pray for your marriage, Gary.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Definitely something worth talking about. This is an area that requires lots of communication.

 

[New Creation]

Pray WITH your wife brother. I'd also recommend prayer counselling. Catch it now before it gets worse. You having nothing to lose. God bless you both.

 

[msjones21]

She says she's a Christian but apparently hasn't much interest in what the Bible says about the need for and the obligation to have relations with one's spouse

I don't think that's a very fair thing to say. "She's a so-called Christian but she ignores her Biblical duty to have sex with her husband". How do you know it doesn't really bother her? Maybe she was molested as a child and has trouble with intimacy. I think it's incredibly cruel to insinuate she's less than a Christian because she is not willing to make love.

gary, I don't think it's her obligation to have sex with you just because it's your birthday. Sure it would have been nice, but did she do anything else special such as bake you a cake or take you to dinner? Maybe you're placing way too much emphasis on the sex instead of the love she shows you in other ways. She may have some deep emotional scars that you don't even know about that are hindering her ability to have sex. Try being very sensitive and seek Christian counseling! It's not all her fault. Sex is a two-way street and if you're in this together then you need to seek help together.

 

[Evening Mist]

Its never crossed my mind that a man would expect sex because its his birthday. Did you ask her out right for sex? Maybe that would have made a difference.

 

[Bookman]

Ms. Jones, you must have misread my post or misinterpreted it. Like you, I suggested counseling. If she was molested, that will surely come up. But barring that, Scripture does say that husbands and wives are not to defraud one another regarding sexual intimacy. I notice when you cut and pasted, you conveniently left off the part where I said this applied to both partners, not just the wife.

From all we know from Gary's post here and in other threads, his wife has simply denied him sex...in one case for up to a year. That is clearly not normal. And I'm suggesting that there is a problem either emotionally, physically,or spiritually and whichever one it is should be dealt with. Gary is open to tremendous temptations, as he's said in another post where he asked for advice about soft porn to jump start their intimacy.

 

[msjones21]

Bookman, I apologize if you feel I took your statement out of context. What I read into that statement was that this woman pretends to be a Christian but she conveniently forgets that the Scriptures talk about not denying your partner of sexual relations. Your comment about seeking counseling did not go unnoticed, by the way.

My point is this...if this man were experiencing erectile dysfunction and couldn't perform sexually for a year or so, would everyone be looking down on him and calling him less than a Christian? Obviously he would need help. Women, obviously, can't have erectile dysfunction but we have other issues that prohibit us, sometimes for extended period of time, from enjoying sex.

Women can't just roll over and want sex like a man. We need to be made love to all day long. By that I mean if you treat us like we're invisible all day and then climb into bed and try to initiate sex we can't just turn on the libido like we have an on/off switch. Children, work, stress, finances, an unattentive husband, etc. all cause us to lose interest in having sex because we don't need it like men do.

I, personally, find it completely inappropriate that gary has opened up and shared every last intimate detail about his sex life (or lack thereof) instead of directing his concerns at his wife. I know this is a board to ask questions and receive support, but we probably know more about his sex life than his own wife does. Not to mention, he's painted a pretty unfair portrait of his wife here. He makes it out like she's this evil and frigid woman who withholds sex simply because he doesn't do everything her way. I just think there's more to this story than meets the eye and we're only hearing one side of it.

Counseling is the word of the day. Without it I don't see it getting any better.

 

[E-beth]

Awwwwww...no one should have to ask for sex on their birthday.

Gary, something is definitely up with your wife. She needs to talk to someone. More than likely, she knows you feel left out but the problem is too big to solve by herself.

 

[William Nunn]

Women can't just roll over and want sex like a man. We need to be made love to all day long. By that I mean if you treat us like we're invisible all day and then climb into bed and try to initiate sex we can't just turn on the libido like we have an on/off switch.

This is going to sound SO INSANELY cold and callous, but I HATE when women say that - because it usually only applies to their husbands - and not all the boyfriends or lovers they've had before. I have an Army buddy whose wife said something almost exactly like the quote above to him, yet he knows that she has had many one-night stands and various other sexual relationships before him. Why does the husband have to work so hard for sex, when it was given away like it was nothing before they met?

Please note : I know this does not apply to all women, I'm only speaking about the ones it DOES apply to, so don't try to sacrifice me!

 

[LN]

Women can't just roll over and want sex like a man. We need to be made love to all day long. By that I mean if you treat us like we're invisible all day and then climb into bed and try to initiate sex we can't just turn on the libido like we have an on/off switch.

I agree with this. BUT its still important to be able to find what is going to get the libido going and practice doing that. It really stinks to not have sex on your birthday, or even once a month. My husband would go nuts. It sound like you both could use some counseling or read some books togther. I bought a bunch of good Chrisitan books on married sex a while ago and I'm reading them now. It did take me a little while to realize that my husband's need for sex was a legitimate need of his just like my need for emotional intimacy is a strong legitimate need. Is she open to counseling or even reading books togther on the topic?

William speak for yourself there buddy! knowing that your statement doesn't apply to a majority of women on this forum, why even post it?!! I fought off men with a stick before I got married and saved myself for my husband, I really find your generalized post disrespectful, even with the disclaimer!

 

[charligirl]

This is going to sound SO INSANELY cold and callous, but I HATE when women say that - because it usually only applies to their husbands - and not all the boyfriends or lovers they've had before. I have an Army buddy whose wife said something almost exactly like the quote above to him, yet he knows that she has had many one-night stands and various other sexual relationships before him. Why does the husband have to work so hard for sex, when it was given away like it was nothing before they met?

Please note : I know this does not apply to all women, I'm only speaking about the ones it DOES apply to, so don't try to sacrifice me!

As you rightly point out, this DOES NOT apply to all women, this is a christian forum where most women would have either saved themselves for their husbands, or, like me, reclaimed their virginity after coming back to God and repenting.. THEN saved themselves for their husbands.

For those you think it DOES apply to, who have had a sexual past before marriage (PAST being the operative word) If they are repentant of their sexual past, God has forgiven them... who gave you the right to comment on something God has dealt with?

Husbands who are fulfiling their godly role as a husband do not need to "work so hard for sex" Work? I'm sorry but am I missing something here? If they are following the bible and seeking God on how to be a husband and love their wives, the sex will come as an expression of that because I wife will feel cherished, cared for and loved as a matter of course.

 

[Bookman]

Gary,

One further thought on this. Are you asking your wife to do anything during sex that she's not comfortable with? Oral or anal sex? Or any other practices that might actually hinder intimacy in someone who is replused by these activities?

If so, you might make more progress if you come her way. No one should be expected to do things during sex that make them feel sleezy.

Perhaps that's not the case, but it's worthy of consideration. The best sex is when both partners are gentle, loving, and affectionate towards one another, respecting the other's wishes.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Gary, do you romance your wife? If so, in what ways do you make her feel special? If she was asked if she is cherished, would she respond yes or no?

 

[LadyBird]

Gary, do you romance your wife? If so, in what ways do you make her feel special? If she was asked if she is cherished, would she respond yes or no?

What Dave said^. We teach people how to treat us. How you treat her will have a great impact on how she treats you. And vice versa.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I agree 100% with all Ms. Jones said. It's frustrating for guys, yet us women expect you to understand. Something must be going right if your frequency has increased. Hey, if you've read my posts, you'll know that I have a rocky marriage. But I have gained some wisdom over the years. And nothing sends our relationship down the tubes quicker than each of us become self centered and feeling sorry for ourselves. It's a viscous cycle, he'll pout and feel sorry for himself, which in turn will cause me to do the same. Here's an equation that is true for my hubby and I: ME (SELFCENTERD, FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF) + HIM (SELFCENTERED, FEELING SORRY FOR HIMSELF) = DIVORCE. Focusing on what's wrong with your partner and your marriage cannot possibly lead to a road of contentment. I have to chose to look at the positive in my hubby (he's not lazy and passive, he's laid back)..... he doesn't ignore my needs, he just doesn't understand....... and it's hard to do that when you've been in a difficult circumstance for so long. What you are going to is difficult. But like another said, if you commit your way to God even in this hard time, seek to do his will, pray, read the bible and pour your heart out to the lord, oh, he will so make you strong and build character, one of my favorite passages is about rejoicing in all trials and tribulations, because the testing of your faith builds character and so forth in james chapter 1- it's true, hang in there and learn to be content in every circumstance. God Bless