I was saved September 22, 2013 and since then I've been miserable. I'm sure most of it is the enemy wanting me back. Now that I've done this I'm more depressed than I've ever been. I can't trust anyone anymore and am constantly anxious even though I pray for it to go away. I feel agonizing guilt whenever I sin, and am terrified of going to Hell when I die. At the same time I can't wait until it's over. I'm also really struggling to figure out when God talks to me. I get really frustrated when I read the Bible because I have trouble concentrating and again even though I pray a lot and read the Bible I still feel like God isn't answering me. I ask forgiveness for sins constantly and thank Him when I remember to and always ask Him to bless my food and drink, have stopped wearing pants, listening to secular music and watching TV for the most part, but still nothing. People say that I'm being really hard on myself as being the reason why I'm miserable. I'm also dealing with the fact that I may have to give up a dream, but the desire won't go away so I think I'm just that much in bondage. I cry over it and then feel like an ungrateful little heathen for rejecting the new plan God has for me. God also terrifies me and I guess one of the my problems right now is that in my mind He's no different than a relative that has treated me badly my whole life (constant terrorizing, yelling, threats of punishment, and even some hitting and shoving around all while I was growing up), so I guess that realization is one step. All I want is to carry out His will and be an obedient servant, but I can't figure anything out or understand anything. Maybe there are things staring me in the face that I can't see, but I don't know. I feel badly about the way I feel and am very tempted to go back to my old life, but won't. What am I doing wrong? I even feel guilty about posting this.
I am so sorry to hear you so upset and tormented about this! Take a deep breath and rest. You are being lied to by the enemy of our souls.
The Devil has a number of predictable tricks up his sleeve, and the first one he tries out on every new believer is
legalism. If he can get you wrapped up and anxious about rules and restrictions then you'll get distracted, frustrated, and maybe even quit Christianity because it's too hard. You feel guilty for the things you've done or thought or feel. None of this is necessary. The Devil's voice is one of condemnation. God's correction is always expressed in conviction. Condemnation leads to feelings of guilt and of being worth less. Conviction leads to a realization that you're better than this, and to lift your eyes up to the perfection of Jesus.
The thing is, faith in Jesus is not about a set of rules about what you can wear, and watch, and eat, etc. It's about a relationship with Jesus/God/Holy Spirit. There are only 10 rules (the 10 commandments) and they boil down to two: love God and love people.
Paul said that all things are permissible but not all things are beneficial. Obviously he wasn't talking about sinful things, but peripheral things like music, entertainment, clothes, etc. You don't have to stop listening to secular music altogether, but you should question whether certain songs are helping you see things the way God does or not. It's not sinful at all to listen to any kind of music or watch TV or rated R movies - but how are they helping you? Are they beneficial to you.
Life in Christ is about freedom and choices. It's about grace and responsibility. Please read the parables of Jesus again in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Jesus refers to himself as the Good Shepherd. He says that if one sheep wanders he would leave the 99 to go find the 1. He said he'd rejoice in finding the 1, and it also doesn't mention anything about him being upset at all with the sheep that wandered. God doesn't force us to do anything. He wants a loving relationship, and loving trusting relationships don't come from force.
Jesus says, “
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30.
This is what Jesus is saying about Himself and about following Him. This doesn't sound like a brutish forceful taskmaster of a God. It sounds like a loving Father.
You mentioned that:
"God also terrifies me and I guess one of the my problems right now is that in my mind He's no different than a relative that has treated me badly my whole life (constant terrorizing, yelling, threats of punishment, and even some hitting and shoving around all while I was growing up), so I guess that realization is one step."
We tend to view God as we viewed our earthly dads or primary guardian. If this is how you were treated by that person who had authority over you and was your source of shelter & food then it would make sense that you fear God in the same way. God is not this way, though.
What is this dream that you feel like you might have to give up?
I hope this has helped you and you can start to feel better.
