I don't have a lot of time to get into all the details of this post right now, but I just want to start by saying that I am tired of being such a cold person. I used to be warm and loving (when I was a child) but the older I get the harder it is for me to be genuinely caring for someone. I know my relationship with my husband has a lot to do with it. ..we argue way too much and we constantly disrespect each other. I used to be able to forgive him and ask for his forgiveness after an arguement but now I just get into a depression slump for days on end. I cry until there's no tears left and I feel worthless. I have been praying about this for years, and I see good changes in my husband, but since I don't see any changes in myself...it still causes me to treat him badly. I don't give that warm smile I used to give him. I don't feel anything when he hugs me except for pain. I reject any effort he makes to treat me better by starting a fight with him. It's sick. It's like I pray for things to be better and then when my husband makes an effort to treat me better, I can't stomach the thought of treating him better in return. All I do is pick him apart.
All of this arguing and hurt effects my relationships with everyone I meet and know. I don't even know what it feels like to be genuinely nice to someone anymore. It all feels like a show or like it's fake. I cry to God almost everyday because I don't want to be unfeeling anymore. I want to be loving and warm and sweet. I believe that's who I really am. How does that person come out of me???
---Guess I had more time that I thought
All of this arguing and hurt effects my relationships with everyone I meet and know. I don't even know what it feels like to be genuinely nice to someone anymore. It all feels like a show or like it's fake. I cry to God almost everyday because I don't want to be unfeeling anymore. I want to be loving and warm and sweet. I believe that's who I really am. How does that person come out of me???
---Guess I had more time that I thought