Why am I so cold??

[momluvsjesus]

I don't have a lot of time to get into all the details of this post right now, but I just want to start by saying that I am tired of being such a cold person. I used to be warm and loving (when I was a child) but the older I get the harder it is for me to be genuinely caring for someone. I know my relationship with my husband has a lot to do with it. ..we argue way too much and we constantly disrespect each other. I used to be able to forgive him and ask for his forgiveness after an arguement but now I just get into a depression slump for days on end. I cry until there's no tears left and I feel worthless. I have been praying about this for years, and I see good changes in my husband, but since I don't see any changes in myself...it still causes me to treat him badly. I don't give that warm smile I used to give him. I don't feel anything when he hugs me except for pain. I reject any effort he makes to treat me better by starting a fight with him. It's sick. It's like I pray for things to be better and then when my husband makes an effort to treat me better, I can't stomach the thought of treating him better in return. All I do is pick him apart.
All of this arguing and hurt effects my relationships with everyone I meet and know. I don't even know what it feels like to be genuinely nice to someone anymore. It all feels like a show or like it's fake. I cry to God almost everyday because I don't want to be unfeeling anymore. I want to be loving and warm and sweet. I believe that's who I really am. How does that person come out of me???
---Guess I had more time that I thought

 

[ceres]

What about counseling?

 

[enslow]

I heard this explained to me once. And your husband has to play along too, by the way. Have you noticed that actors tend to marry each other? Especially those that acted together in relationships?

Try just putting on a warm smile, giving him a big hug. If he can do the same, it might work.

I can't guarantee it's gonna work because, well, you know, I'm divorced. And you probably have to keep the acting going on for some weeks or months to give it a chance.

I'm sure that warm loving person inside of you exists. But she's been put into a long sleep because you've had a household to run which has you pre-occupied.

I think it's natural for couples to go through different phases. If you were my wife and I read what you just wrote, I'd probably want to come over and give you a BIG HUG! Then I'd probaly start apologizing for all the things I'd done to encourage such a thing.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth.

Enslow

 

[Warrior Poet]

Well almost dittioing what ens said. This is what my wife explained to me later after she left, almost exactly what you wrote momluvs. She told me about countless nights she lay there and cry alone in our bed, not even wanting to hold my hand, finding things to be mean to me about, the language we used toward each other relentless fighting......and on and on, I used to apologize then complain about it. I was her problem and from what I can tell and have experienced since she left, is that she is very happy now, iroincally I wanted to do whatever i could to make her happy then, but letting her go was never a thought, but its what had to be done. The thing is she apologized to me for being that way but she was sick and tired of being hurt.

Im not saying this is your case I am sure there are major differences but he has broken your spirit over and over each time he put...or tried to put it .....back together , but it happened so many times pieces just didnt fit anymore and those little pieces chiped away and destroyed the whole thing. Counseling sounds cliche but is a very good idea. Trust will be the biggest issue here, not about faithfulness, but more like allowing yourself to be dependent on him again, 1)emotionally to be there, and support your ideas/choices. 2)Pysically to be around pull his weight around the house, a shoulder to cry on literealy and his presence and attention.3) Last and most important spirtually he can help rebuild what it is he destroyed but YOU HAVE TO LET HIM. Trust is gained and built not given and its destroyed much quicker then attained, i know this. Once it is destroyed its that much harder to rebuild. When you were sweet and warm your heart and spirit were in a different place, you need to make a list of those things, the way you were, be very real and very honest, and very firm then let him read that. Make him do the same, this will hurt at first more then anything but it will put your feelings in the perspective he needs, there is a delicate balance that has been broken and God can help more then you may be realizing, Good luck to you my dear I will be praying for you and him.

PS: let him read what you just wrote to us.........IMO.

Warrior Poet

 

[sioleabha]

Ihave a sort of similar problem, only it's just about sex. I used to be very into sex, but now I never seem to want it. I have definitely found that when my husband comes on to me, if I pretend I want it, act like I want it, I end up enjoying myself a lot more than if I just get annoyed. I end up being really glad that I said yes.

Just start pretending you have a good marriage. Spend your time pretending that your husband just did something really sweet for you, and treat him that way. Eventually you'll start to feel it.

 

[LN]

I agree with Ceres - what about counseling.

Unfortuantely this is something that a forum can't help you with. You are having very serious problems with your husband (duh you already know that). This is something you need to see a counselor about. If you have read "his needs and her needs" or "the five love languages" you will see that your love bank is operating in the negative. I can only image the heartache you feel but at the same time my family was always pro-counseling so it saddens me to see that it has gotten to this point without professional help.

Laura

 

[momluvsjesus]

Thank you for all the wonderful feedback so far. I have thought about counseling for a while I just want to be sure it's what God wants me to do. I think if we started going to our monthly marriage meetings at church, that would help too. I know it would. Our marriage was the best it's ever been when we were going to those. It's just like pulling teeth to actually get him to go. And that's only once a month, can't imagine if it was a weekly counseling session. I don't have the strenghth to convince him anymore.
He's trying, but it's just like as soon as things get a little better he drops a bomb on me. For example we had a wonderful evening lastnight and then this morning we start talking and we get on the subject of being one flesh. He says that he doesn't feel that being one flesh means he should have to share everything with me. That just crushed me. It's not easy finding out that you have totally different views on marriage...AFTER you're married! I think this stems from neither of us being Saved before we got married.
I don't know...

 

[Salsa_1960]

I would agree on the counseling. My guess is that you have some issues that you need to work out (that you may not even be aware of). A good counselor can help you realize what these are.

 

[enslow]

For example we had a wonderful evening lastnight and then this morning we start talking and we get on the subject of being one flesh. He says that he doesn't feel that being one flesh means he should have to share everything with me. That just crushed me.

I'm not sure what you mean by sharing everything. Although I think that being one flesh means you share much more with your spouse, I do think there are things that one should keep between oneself and God. For example, if I were married and I had a dream about having an affair, that would really trouble me. However, I would pray to God, and keep that to myself. I think that to share something like that would only trouble my wife unnecessarily. Also, I don't think would be into sharing toothbrushes.

What sort of things was he talking about not sharing?

Enslow

 

[momluvsjesus]

I think posting to this thread has
made me realize that a lot of the problem is me not him, which is what I suspected in the first place. I guess I need to talk to a counselor or my pastor's wife. I'm not sure how to approach this. But I'll keep seeking God and I know it will get better. It has to. I'm not gonna post to this thread anymore because it's too tempting for posting to become a means of complaining for me. The last thing I need is another outlet for complaining
So, thanks to all who posted. God bless you.

 

[enslow]

I think posting to this thread has
made me realize that a lot of the problem is me not him, which is what I suspected in the first place.

The problem isn't 'you', nor is the problem 'him'. I really would encourage the both of you to go to counselling. It sounds as if both of you are talking at different levels and aren't understanding each other. Please keep us posted.

God bless you momlovsjesus.

Enslow

 

[sioleabha]

I'm not sure what you mean by sharing everything. Although I think that being one flesh means you share much more with your spouse, I do think there are things that one should keep between oneself and God. For example, if I were married and I had a dream about having an affair, that would really trouble me. However, I would pray to God, and keep that to myself. I think that to share something like that would only trouble my wife unnecessarily. Also, I don't think would be into sharing toothbrushes.

What sort of things was he talking about not sharing?

Enslow

If my husband had a dream like that, I'd want to know. It might signal some problem we need to work on. And even if it does not, his honesty would make me feel like I can trust him, and like he can trust me.

I think men often miss that last part. When you say you won't tell your wife about something for her own sake, it's like you don't trust her to be able to deal with it. My husband occasionally hides things for that reason (he onced didn't tell me about some money he borrowed), and it disappoints me. I want the chance to prove that I trust him.

 

[desi]

The other day I was listening to Dr. Laura on the way home when she said something which might apply. She said a boy was listening to his grandfather tell stories one day when the grandfather said...

"Two wolves live inside me and decide how I behave. One is happy and kind while the other is mean. These wolves are constantly fighting each other to see who will get to decide how I behave."

To which the boy replied, "Which one will win?"

The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."

 

[sioleabha]

Oh, yes, that's an Indian (as in India) proverb! I love that one.

 

[LN]

I have thought about counseling for a while I just want to be sure it's what God wants me to do.

Sweetie, I'm going to go out on a limb here. This is very much a theological persepective of mine, but I believe God wants you to use the resources and gifts that he has provided for you (i.e. church, a christian counselor, or pastor). Again, this is my theological perspective so take it as you will. I'm just *personally* a believer in that God wants you to be proactive and pursue the resources He has provided for you in your life whenever possible.

I'm not gonna post to this thread anymore because it's too tempting for posting to become a means of complaining for me. The last thing I need is another outlet for complaining

This is an incredibly wise statement. Wiser than I probably would be in your shoes!

 

[Yitzchak]

I think posting to this thread has
made me realize that a lot of the problem is me not him, which is what I suspected in the first place. I guess I need to talk to a counselor or my pastor's wife. I'm not sure how to approach this. But I'll keep seeking God and I know it will get better. It has to. I'm not gonna post to this thread anymore because it's too tempting for posting to become a means of complaining for me. The last thing I need is another outlet for complaining
So, thanks to all who posted. God bless you.

I hate to disagree when you are getting all humble and constructive here. I do agree with you having good attitudes like those, but what i disagree with is your thinking it is mostly you. My mother always said "it takes two to argue" and from your descriptions it is not just you.
My best advice for you is to seek God for a soft heart. You are in a tough situation. But no matter what the outcome in your situation, keeping a soft heart is essential. It does not come automatically in difficult emotional situations either. it sounds to me from your descriptions of your interactions with your husband that his heart is somewhat hardened at this point too. I will pray for him also concerning that.
I was in a marriage where my spouse was very abusive. Thankfully your's is not at that point. One of the things I realized after the divorce was that just like Jesus said when asked about allowing divorce "because of hard hearts it was allowed" my situation had hard hearts as the root of the problems. First my spouse was hard hearted towards me in being abusive and then I started to become hard hearted back.
I learned through my trials to treasure a soft heart and feel that a good marriage is impossible if both partners do not have a soft heart.
A soft heart is something only God can give us. But we need to ask Him for it and pursue it with perserverence because the natural course of life is to give us hard hearts. Now I am remarried to a wife who has a soft heart and our marriage is wonderful.
I am not sure exactly how you will get fropm point A to point B; but you must get there for the good of your marriage and your own spiritual groweth. The only suggestion I have is time in God's presence asking him to soften your heart. There is no short cut that I know of.