Where do I fit in?

[2Bhumble]

Hi-
My wife and I have been married 17 years. We have 2 elementary school aged kids. We’re very busy with their activities, homework, and general child raising. Now, I know how important it is to spend time with our kids but I also feel our marriage just kind of exists. We’re investing so much time into our kids and so little time into our marriage. We go on an actual date about 3-4 times per year and have “intimate” time about 10-12 times per year (quality not quantity I guess). My wife likes activities but they have to be “family” activities – never just her and I. Well, I’m the one who always brings up the subject after a couple of months go by from sheer frustration. I try not to sound whiny I just tell her I want to spend more time together. She’s usually “too tired” but never too tired for the kids. She even thinks my sister is ridiculous because her and my brother in law have set aside a weekly date night. People even notice how little we do together and offer babysitting but she always finds something that conflicts with the schedule. Once in a while my wife will give me a hug and say “I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you” but continues to live the same way. She also talks a lot on the phone to her girlfriends in a light hearted and enthusiastic manner. Sometimes I’ll come home from work and she tells me how she meant this girlfriend for coffee or this one for shopping or a walk at the park. She also talks to all her women friends at church and just kind of leaves me standing there. I try not to be jealous of her time but I really feel like I’ve taken a back seat on her schedule. One last “gripe”… If she has some idea that I disagree with, she’ll get mad and say “well, I’m going to do it anyway” BUT if one of her girlfriends or her Mom tell her the same exact thing after I tell her, she all of the sudden thinks it’s a good idea. She’ll just laugh and say “I just needed a second opinion”. I love my wife very much and I’m not trying to make her sound like a bad wife but I feel like my role in her life isn’t quiet what it used to be. Any thoughts?

 

[selune]

Praying for you both. I would love to have people offer to babysit to have free time with my husband. We do many family things due to $$ constraints, but we have together time after the kids are in bed. How old are the kids? Maybe cut back on their activities so you two have less "scheduled time" that keeps things busy? Best wishes. I hope she realizes what she's doing before it drives an unfixable wedge between you two.

 

[pegatha]

Have you told her everything you've told us? If not, how about giving her a copy of your post? If she still resists, maybe the two of you need to go visit your pastor for some counseling. Maybe she needs some serious mentoring by a godly woman who'll help her straighten out her priorities. Or maybe she needs some outside help to understand or admit why she's avoiding you. Most wives would love to be asked out on dates by their husbands, so something's obviously not right here.

 

[Jenna]

.....rut roh, stuck in 'mommy mode'......

Have you tried planning an evening out without giving her the option of making her excuses to bow out? I know, I know. Some women are probably going to throw tomatoes at me or something. Sometimes women get pretty self-centered and think only about what makes them happy. Some women really enjoy their role as mothers, and that is great. However, there is no better gift to give children than two parents who really love each other. This is something that children really need to see on a daily basis. She's not doing the best job that she can as a mother if she is giving the kids sports practice or dance lessons, and leaving out the lessons on how to be a loving spouse. It also goes a long way to helping children feel secure in a home, especially when so many of their peers come from families ravaged by divorce. Some mom's don't stop long enough to think about that though. They get in their 'mommy mode' and forget about their 'one flesh' relationship with their husband.

So, it might be an idea to just go ahead and arrange for a sitter once a week. You can do something exciting, or just spend some quiet time together at home, cooking dinner together or soaking in the tub together. Even if she thinks it is silly, she's probably not likely to call the sitter and go get the kids after you've already made the plans and set things in motion.

I've seen the cute little kitchen sign that says, " If Mama aint happy, aint nobody happy." While the language sends me into convulsions, I see the value in that kind of statement. I think that what some wives need to remember though is that it works the same way with men. If a husband isn't happy, it is going to affect everyone else. If either spouse is neglected for long enough, it will have serious and possibly devestating effects on a marriage.

 

[andiesmama]

.....rut roh, stuck in 'mommy mode'......

Have you tried planning an evening out without giving her the option of making her excuses to bow out? I know, I know. Some women are probably going to throw tomatoes at me or something. Sometimes women get pretty self-centered and think only about what makes them happy. Some women really enjoy their role as mothers, and that is great. However, there is no better gift to give children than two parents who really love each other. This is something that children really need to see on a daily basis. She's not doing the best job that she can as a mother if she is giving the kids sports practice or dance lessons, and leaving out the lessons on how to be a loving spouse. It also goes a long way to helping children feel secure in a home, especially when so many of their peers come from families ravaged by divorce. Some mom's don't stop long enough to think about that though. They get in their 'mommy mode' and forget about their 'one flesh' relationship with their husband.

So, it might be an idea to just go ahead and arrange for a sitter once a week. You can do something exciting, or just spend some quiet time together at home, cooking dinner together or soaking in the tub together. Even if she thinks it is silly, she's probably not likely to call the sitter and go get the kids after you've already made the plans and set things in motion.

I've seen the cute little kitchen sign that says, " If Mama aint happy, aint nobody happy." While the language sends me into convulsions, I see the value in that kind of statement. I think that what some wives need to remember though is that it works the same way with men. If a husband isn't happy, it is going to affect everyone else. If either spouse is neglected for long enough, it will have serious and possibly devestating effects on a marriage.

Jenna, I swear I haven't been on here for very long, but you always seem to read my mind!! lol Anyways, I totally agree with your ideas.

Even tho she may protest, I bet your wife would LOVE for you to take it upon yourself to finagle (sp?) a little time alone together. Can the kids go overnight someplace, friends or relatives? Maybe sign up for a cooking class that meets once a week, book group, or even a Bible Study at your church. Anyways, I know you may think, "Well, I'm tired of making the effort", I know that's probably what I would be thinking!! But maybe all it will take is a first little step made by you, then it'll start snowballing by itelf!! Anyways, good luck & let us know how it goes!!

 

[brokenbananas]

Something my husband and I do is that we each plan 1 date a month. That's not overly taxing, but it's pretty neat. We started doing this at the beginning of this year because we found having two children to be a huge drain on our marriage. We have to work really hard to spend time together. The kids do get a lot of us, but we try to be disciplined about this.

I know my husband felt somewhat like you. He sat me down and talked with me, telling me how important I am to him....how important our marriage is...how much he missed me. He said that we have to make time for us. We can't be good examples of a good marriage if we don't invest in our marriage. We needed to bring back the romance & fun into our marriage.

Life can get quite stressful, but we both pray a lot. I now look forward to our dates and planning them, surprising him. My husband helped me realize that we needed time to ourselves and the kids will survive. Sometimes it's hard for a mother to detach herself from her kids. I know it's hard, but it's only for a night or a few hours.

I wish we had volunteer babysitters. We can't find enough. So, be thankful. Take them up on their offer. Talk to your wife. Talk.

 

[2Bhumble]

Thanks for all the replies! It's do good to hear a woman's point of view! Jenna, you're wise beyond your years!

My wife and I have discussed our "rut" many times. We do talk and are very good friends. Yes, we bicker at times but nothing unusual. I have lost the desire to keep trying/asking as I'm growing accustomed to spending less time with her. That's what I'm trying to avoid. I need to keep "fighting" for her time but it gets old after while. She sees life for the kids as cramming as many activities into their young lives as possible. My argument is the kids just want our time. Our undivided attention - not a stressful "gotta be there" schedule. I just can't convince my wife of that. The whole family gets stressed out after so many soccer games. Her (many many) friends are constantly calling or coming over for short visits. I feel like telling all of them to get lost. We do have the opportunity to do the babysitting swap with my sister but then we have to return the favor usually soon after. She has more children than us and watching them turns into yet another busy (chaotic) activity in our schedule. So, we've opted to hire a babysitter when we go out. We're sure not spending much money on that My wife expressed an interest in a rec-center yoga class. I would be willing to "bend like a pretzel" if that means time together My oldest is 10 and we've been letting him stay home for 10-15 minutes at a time. This could mean some walks around the block with my wife on a regular basis. I'll keep praying and try to keep getting more creative with my strategies to win her over.

Thanks again all!!

 

[Donnabing]

I was just reading a very similar post by annother man who is having a similar problem. I just want to say that I will be praying for you! Jenna is right when she said "there is no better gift to give children than two parents who really love each other." My parents never showed affection to eachother, and I have had to re-learn those things from good Christian couples who love eachother and SHOW it. I have always admired couples who have been married many years, adn still have passion in their marriage for eachother. I pray that you will be able to talk to your wife about these things. How long has it been since you last brought it up with her? Maybe try again. I like the "suprise date" idea too. She might find out she actually likes the spontenaity (sp?)!

 

[karla]

It's easy to get stuck in the mommy/daddy only mode. You want your children to be happy, but what makes children the happiest is to see two parents who are in love with one another. We teach our children how to be husbands and wives, we teach them what relatioships are all about, by what we say, but more importantly by what we do. For us, we try to have a "go-out" date night once a month and an "at home date night" a couple times a month. The "at home" date night is a little easier to do with two small children and even smaller pocketbooks We usually feed the kids and put them to bed and then have a quiet dinner just the two of us followed by a movie or a game or just talking on the couch or front porch swing. It's wonderful thing. You don't only owe it to eachother to go out alone, you owe it to your kids. Praying for you and your wife and family.

 

[InTheFlame]

I saw this article recently -

What To Do When Your World Revolves Around Your Kids

Can you go to a Marriage Enrichment weekend, or course, or counselling? Counselling may sound extreme, but this is a relationship imbalance that needs to be addressed, in my opinion.

God bless, and I hope you work it out.

 

[mghalpern]

I would suggest getting and reading (with your wife) Ed Young's book "Kid CEO."...Michael


Ed would like for you to have his latest book Kid CEO for making a donation this month.

Kid CEO - How to keep your children from running your life.

Through a thought-provoking yet entertaining analysis of contemporary family dynamics, Ed Young challenges parents to reclaim their leadership role and explains why marriage must take first priority in the home."

 

[hygienemom]

As stupid as this may sound the more you do for your wife, the more she will do for you. (wink wink) Ease up some of the weight on her shoulders (housework, organizing the children's activities) and she will inevitably have more time for you. She needs to feel you appreciate all the things she has to do in a day and that she is THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD TO YOU. I have 3 kids and they are not the priority all the time...they do have needs to be met but your relationship is priority second to God.