when your parents side with the ex

[Liselle]

I have an issue I'm really struggling with.

My mother said we needed to talk about Christmas. I said what about it? As you all know, I am divorced and my ex got remarried, had a kid, and my 2 youngest live with them. My mother said it's just so hard with all the different families. I said, there's nothing to talk about. Christmas is a time for families. That means your grandchildren and your daughter, NOT your ex son in law, his wife and kid. They are NOT family to you. (They didn't even like him when I was married to him, they like him now cos they feel sorry for him that I left him with the kids, plus they want to warm up to him so they get to stay involved with the kids) She said well, I'm not going to exclude them. I'll exclude them with you, but I guess I'll just have a christmas lunch and a dinner.

FINE. Make more work for yourself. I don't care.

The whole conversation started out by her asking me what I thought about not exchanging gifts for the adults this year, so we could concentrate on the kids. I told her I thought it was a stupid idea, that Christmas was about family and that I was still going to get my parents and sister something for Christmas. She said, well, Joe and Chaz just dont have much money this year, and I said, I REALLY DON'T CARE. (get that thru your head, I DONT CARE.) I couldn't care less if my ex and his fat wife don't have money. This is what happens when you knock up your girlfriend, and HAVE to get married.

Sorry. The whole relationship with my mother and my ex just infuriates me.

My mother also informed me that Christmas eve with all MY aunts and uncles, which we have celebrated every year the week or so before Christmas, this year my ex (and I'm sure his wife and kid) will be attending because of my children. I simply do NOT understand why he should be there. Christmas eve is with MY family, and he is no longer a part of it. To make matters worse, I'm sure Rob will have to work, and won't be able to attend with me. So I will be left feeling like an outsider in my own family. I'm very tempted to say, I love you guys, but you've chosen your family, and I'm not in it. I just don't understand why he should have to be included at a big family function.

Have any of you ever faced this situation? If so, how did/do you handle it??

 

[dayknee]

I don't mean to to sound rude..but why don't you have your children? You said you left him and left the kids with him. Is it maybe that your mom wants to see her grandchildren since you don't have them? Forgive me if I sound too forward. I was just wondering why she would be so bent on having your ex and his new wife for christmas, and the only thing I can come up with is that you said you didnt have the kids living with you and he does..I thought maybe this might be her way of wanting to see them. If that's the case I can understand her wanting them there if only to see her grandchildren. If I am wrong and your children live with you then I do not see why she would feel the need to invite your ex and his wife over.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I can see where you are coming from and I agree with how you feel. I'm not sure if its right to feel that way or not though.

You should go with your children to your family's Christmas get together. Him and his fat wife probably should not.

 

[Liselle]

Seriously, is trashing the new wife really something we need to do? Is it constructive? Is it truthful? Is it productive?

Is it Christian?

I'm not particularly "trashing" her, but I do realize how it sounds. It IS the truth, but the attitude definitely comes out.

I do have a tremendous amount of guilt and I am very angry that someone else is raising my children. So I can definitely see where that is a problem as well, however, I am thankful that she does appear to love my children and she does treat them well.

Someone had asked why I left them with the ex....I wasn't in a mental state of mind to care for them appropriately. I knew that he would and could continue to provide for them the way they had been, and that was something I couldn't do at the time. I know now that I made a mistake, and mentally, I'm able to care for them, but now my financial state is so bad, that I can't even afford a lawyer to even try to get them back.

So the best I can do is like you all said...pray about it.

Thanks for your opinions!

 

[dayknee]

Trashing her probably makes you feel a lot better though..
I know this must be a tough situation for you..but if this is the only way for your parents to see their grandchildren maybe you can try to understand their position.
Praying for you

 

[dayknee]

why would you ask her "is it christian"?

Christians say things out of anger..Christians are not perfect..

If she had your symbol Tropical, would you have asked her "is it Christian seeker, witch, catholic-wiccan, and etc" to say those things?

 

[dayknee]

Asking if the behavior is a posotive one or a negative one is completely acceptable..What you asked her (or those around you) if it is christian. And I am asking why you would ask that? Would it matter if it was "christian" or not? What matters is her attitude towards the new wife..not whether or not it is a christian attitude..
I do not see how what her symbol relfects has anything to do with what she said.
We certainly understand the term of "is it christian" to say this or that or do this or that..Christians use it all the time..What I am asking is would you have asked her if "it was budist" of her to say such things if her symbol relfected that of a budist? I just find it something that shouldn't be done..You're implying that her symbol should mean that she should not feel this way..and it seems like a dig on someone who is down..almost like..judging them and what they say when they are down..and to ask if it is christian..well..it seems a face throw to remind her of what she should be doing..We all should be doing things that are productive and moral..christian or not..but to ask that? just seems wrong..
only my opinion.

 

[TealTuesday]

I hope you find support from her.I do think with sincere prayer things can turn around. Be strong!

 

[Liselle]

I didn't find any offense at all in the post replies. So don't sweat it any of ya'll.

I apologize if anything in the post offended anyone. My post was reported. I posted this on several forums seeking advice, and simply copied and pasted. I didn't realize my words would offend someone, for that I'm sorry.

 

[Robinsegg]

Liselle,
I can see how your emotions would be very overwrought just now. Maybe I can ask you to consider a question that might help to clarify this situation for you:
Right now, whose feelings are more important to you: Your childrens', or yours?
Answering that question might help you sort out what you think maybe you'd like to do.
Rachel

 

[TealTuesday]

you did not offend me liselle. I logged in to find someone reported my post as well. *hhmmpph*,you can't say anything.

mine was in the self injury forum.i wont post my feelings there ever ever again.

 

[dayknee]

Liselle, I was not offended by your post at all..I compltetly understand why you said what you said about the new wife..it's a tough situation to be in especially since she is with your kids every day..In all honesty, I probably would have said worse..
I just think that you might have to put aside certain feelings in order to see your children and enjoy the precious time with them over the holidays..and your parents are probably doing the same..The probably do not want to be on your exes bad side due to wanting to see their grandchildren..Hang in there.

Tropical......<shakes her head>

 

[TealTuesday]

I agree day

 

[katautumn]

Even though you and your husband divorced, those children are still your parents' grandchildren. If one of the only ways they get to spend time with them is through your ex-husband and his wife, then that relationship needs to be preserved. Your parents are probably trying to be civil with your ex so that they can foster a positive relationship with their grandchildren. It may not be that they are necessarily siding with him over you, but he is the main tie between them and the children. And since he and his new wife have a child together and she has taken on the responsibility of step-parenting your children, she's a part of the family equation as well.

On the flip side, however, you have every right to feel bitter and angry. My husband has a child with his ex-wife and even though are situation is different, I have bitterness toward his ex. Sometimes this comes out in the form of me muttering very nasty things about her, just to vent. But try not to let that bitterness turn into a victim mentality on your behalf. Your parents are probably thinking along the lines of how the children are the innocent party in this and their needs should take priority, especially during the holidays. Yes, Christmas is usually fun for adults as well, but it's really special for the kids and grandparents love doting on their grandchildren. And since they live with their father, they're sort of a package deal.

 

[Liselle]

You guys are all so very right. I deal with selfishness in my own life. I had everything I wanted growing up, and if I didn't do something, (like clean my room) my mother would do it for me. I guess I still expect that. But it's time to grow up and realize the world doesn't revolve around me, isn't it? I still cannot stand to have to deal with this woman, and talking to either her or the ex makes me shake. I still feel that my parents should support me, but they have made it clear that due to the choices in my life, that won't be happening anytime soon. So I will go to my family party, for my children's sake and for their sake only.

 

[dayknee]

You guys are all so very right. I deal with selfishness in my own life. I had everything I wanted growing up, and if I didn't do something, (like clean my room) my mother would do it for me. I guess I still expect that. But it's time to grow up and realize the world doesn't revolve around me, isn't it? I still cannot stand to have to deal with this woman, and talking to either her or the ex makes me shake. I still feel that my parents should support me, but they have made it clear that due to the choices in my life, that won't be happening anytime soon. So I will go to my family party, for my children's sake and for their sake only.

Liselle I am so proud of you for making that very hard choice..I know this wont be easy but I believe you can do this with Gods help. You can pray pray pray before and during your time there. Even though, Liselle, you have made mistakes in the past..you no longer need to hold on to them. Our Savior doesn't. You shouldnt.
There are always consequences to deal with, but doing the right things always helps. even if it is hard..Your children are you FIRST priority and responsibility, even if you ex has them right now..You be the good mommy you are and you take advantage of the time you and your parents get to spend with them. Do not feel you need to speak to either your ex or his wife. and if you do..just try..to be polite..( and i KNOW thats asking alot..butyour Savior would ask it of you too) and in doing that , you children and your parents will see how mature you are and that you are willing to put aside differences for the betterment of your children..

Look I know that none of this is going to be easy...and I don't know how I would handle it. I understand how you feel about this situation..but try no to look at it as your parents not on your side..they are on the side of the grandchildren and they likely just want to be apart of their lives..and with that, unfortunately, comes the ex and his wife..
Hang in there and let us know how things go when it happens..I'll be praying for you.

 

[Adamantium]

I still feel that my parents should support me, but they have made it clear that due to the choices in my life, that won't be happening anytime soon.

I wonder if your parents think that forcing you to deal with this actually *is* supporting you?

 

[Liselle]

I wonder if your parents think that forcing you to deal with this actually *is* supporting you?

I believe they do think that.

What they don't realize is that it's pushing me further from them.

 

[Demi4God]

I really can't imagine not supporting my child if they were going through this.

 

[TexasSky]

You asked if anyone else has dealt with something like this. I guess I have, in a way - but my ex didn't marry the woman he slept with.

I've encouraged my family to include my ex in "family events" for the sake of my children. That has, until recently, been a good policy. Things have been peaceful, amicable, and I've always managed to avoid too much direct contact with him at these functions.

This year was the first year my family excluded him, and that was because they were angry with him. Just a few days before my daughter's wedding he announced to her that he met a woman 3 weeks prior and was going to marry her soon. He also asked that this be kept from me and from his own father. The whole timing of it, upsetting my daughter so close to her own wedding day, telling her to keep secrets from other relatives, etc., upset my family so much that they chose not to include him this year, and I have to admit, I felt relief.

I don't know if I could handle the other woman right there. I hear his soon to be is a "good Christian woman" who teaches the missions program for little girls at his new church, teaches first grade, and has two children of her own. I feel the same thing toward her as I do toward the woman he had an affair with even though I know the situation is different. I probably should just pity her.

I suspect your parents are only trying to do what they feel is easiest for your children. It seems a lot of conversation has gone on when you were not around this year, but next year, I think you should tell your parents that no matter how well meaning their intentions are, it is like a knife in your heart, and that you feel like you are losing their love to your ex and his wife. Ask them to please never do this again, and to instead, schedule a Christmas Eve with you and the kids, and if they feel they must have your ex and his wife over, the 26th for them.