WHEN will I learn???

[Sevensong]

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know what I was thinking - I was doing well - and then suddenly, the old reflexes just kicked in again. I felt that pressure to be a "good girl" and that I have to "be the bigger person" and not be mean - or letting anyone THINK I'm mean.

I actually tried being nice to this woman, who's been incredibly malicious in bullying me, AGAIN just now - thinking that she seemed to be trying to be more reasonable - and reached out to her. AGAIN all I got was nastiness. She completely threw it back in my face - and for me to reach out to her again after all that's happened...it really - and hopefully permanently - opened up my eyes and made me certain of her character. There is simply a malice animating her.

But it made me doubt myself, too, and that feels frankly horrible. I feel like there's this ugly, polluted storm of turmoil inside me. I also feel like I'm handling it much better this time than I might have before, since Jesus has brought me so close to Him, and I can feel His comforting, quieting Hand, and feel Him telling me He will make this all right and heal me. I hope I've woken up for good, and finally learned my lesson about this person, and people like this. THIS TIME! How many times have I said that? How could I go from doing so well today to suddenly taking a nosedive into self-destructive be-a-dormat-because-that's-what-it-means-to-be-a-good-Christian thing AGAIN?

I know - it's because I've been feeling better, and my natural state is benevolence. With that, the old reflexes have a fertile breeding ground. I still have to learn to protect my heart, and I've got a long way to go!

 

[parsley]

There's so much that goes around in the head, including good thoughts. Hoping to make an impact, not wanting to hurt, wanting to look hard-working and reliable, wanting to be honest while not insulting.

It seems like it could be helpful to practice a speech for yourself. Train yourself in the conclusion you want to have.

Otherwise if you're listening to all your thoughts, it an get entangling and slow your answer to them, giving the other person time to push further.

 

[Johnnz]

There are some people who are noxious. Unless they gave a radical change they will continue to cause harm. Best to accept no futhe obligation or effort from you towards them.

John
NZ

 

[Sevensong]

Thank you. Good points from both of you.

John, that's basically the conclusion I came to myself. Unfortunately I've just heard that our fourth roommate is moving out, and I'm so afraid this woman may move into her room and stay permanently. (She was supposed to leave this summer at the latest.)

I'm just praying she doesn't stay on, and that we find a nice person to move into the opening room...

 

[parsley]

Oh no! Lord, give her a place to stay that's far far away... with people who will help her be more sensitive and kind.