Injured Soldier said:
I don't know what He wants. I was serving God with my whole heart and BAM, lost everything I've ever been able to do, my confidence, my job, my old friends, my family, my ministry, my church. I prayed to find God's new plan for me. Doesn't have one. I prayed for him to end my life. Doesn't want to. Everything I try to do I fail. Even failure I don't mind if there was another human being I could have contact with at the end of the day. But there isn't.
It's a sad and difficult fact that sometimes when we serve God wholeheartedly, he takes away the things that matter most to us, and asks us to trust him with them. Abraham had to be willing to give up his son, Job gave up ALL his children, wealth, and health, Jonah had to give up his hatred for the ninevites--whatever is closest to your heart, God will ask you to give it to him in order to show your devotion, and then he can take you to the next level in your discipleship. Jesus told us that we had to be willing to give up everything in order to be his disciples.
It hurts a lot at the time, but I promise it's worth it. He DOES have a new plan for your life... you just have to keep looking for it. Jesus promised that he would never leave us or forsake us, and we have to trust him in that.
As for failures, remember that it is in our weakness that God's strength is made perfect. Also remember that you are a child of the King and your life can never been in vain. He wants to do great and amazing things in and through you, but it takes time. Be easy on yourself--you are not perfect, and you don't have to be. Stop telling yourself that you are a failure. Instead, recognize your position in Christ as victorious, forgiven, and filled with the Holy Spirit. Find things in your life that you are good at, and remind yourself regularly. When you start to put yourself down, pray about it and instead think of things that you CAN do. Write them down and repeat them to yourself, so that you can untrain your mind from thinking defeatedly.
There's a song by Benjamin that I think you may appreciate... I don't normally do this because I think it's cheesy but here are the lyrics:
I always thought that the hurt inside would never go away
so lonely, I cried myself to sleep
everything I'd wanted most just passed me by
But standing on the shores looking back,
I'm thankful for the storms I survived, wouldn't change it for the world.
You're the reason my life is worth living
And I've realized I had to lose to gain
Now that you've brought me here it's clear to me,
everything happens for a reason,
you're the reason why I'd risk it all again.
I never dreamed that losing everything would bring so much to me
The winds of change have healing in their wings,
and the plan is always bigger than it seems.
All our lives are filled with moments, some are good and some are bad
Most of the time we don't know the difference.
You're the reason my life is worth living
And I've realized I had to lose to gain
Now that you've brought me here it's clear to me,
everything happens for a reason,
you're the reason why I'd risk it all again.
Now I know why I had to come so far--I never would have found this road of faith to where you are.
You're the reason my life is worth living
And I've realized I had to lose to gain
Now that you've brought me here it's clear to me,
everything happens for a reason,
you're the reason why I'd risk it all again.
